I Suck At Everything (And So Can You)!

“What’s the use in trying? All you get is pain.” — Super Emo band The Monkees
“If you’re going to do something, do it right.” — Charles Manson

My mom told me a story that when she was a teenager, her mother gave her a silver cigarette case for her birthday saying, “If you’re gonna smoke, smoke right.” My Oma (I think that’s Yiddish for Grandmother) was basically saying, “Look, you’re going to do something stupid, so suck at it really well.” Is there anything more pure than that?

I am sick of The Secret. I am sick of picturing me as a super successful actor with Paul McCartney as my boyfriend. We all know that Paul McCartney is probably not ever going to be my boyfriend. (I still can’t give up the probably DON’T YOU DARE ASK ME TO GIVE UP THE PROBABLY.) Good things are not happening to me no matter how hard I picture them.

Then I realized that I actually have to try. So I tried trying.

Trying sucks.

The more I try the more I think that I suck.

But don’t misunderstand me here. This feeling that I suck is not a sad feeling. It’s almost a relief. I’m good at something! I’m good at sucking!

I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have an agent, and I don’t look like Jayne Mansfield. BUT HOW AWESOME IS THAT CONSISTENCY??! Screw boyfriends, none of them are going to be anything like Paul McCartney anyway! So that’s one down! We’re almost there gang!!

If you can wake up in the mirror, smile, and say, “I suck!” THEN YOUR DAY CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM THERE. Thinking about the things that you don’t have makes you realize that, holy shit, look at all the room for stuff I can have! Cheerfully admit that you don’t have a job, and lo and behold, watch the world continue to go on! No weird “The Happening” shit here. No one around you is killing themselves! And they probably suck too! But they’re alive just like you are. SO SUCK HARDER THAN THEM, DON’T LET THEM BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING!!

And hey, no matter how hard you suck, you can’t suck harder than Tim Burton! That guy used up all his good ideas 4 films into his career! Did you guys see “Planet of the Apes”?? Holy shit that sucked! That was the suckiest suck to ever suck!! Imagine how must fun he must have had making such a suckfest! The whole time he was probably thinking, “Fuck this is gonna suck, how did I convince people to give me money for this? PIZZA PARTY!!”

Seriously, don’t lie awake at night thinking of how much you suck. The key is not to beat yourself up for sucking. Embrace it. Remember what the rich hobo said: “When you got nothing you got nothing to lose.”

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