Good news, everyone! I suck at everything! I want to cry and throw things and scream and laugh all at the same time, but I can’t. And you know why? Because I suck!
I usually talk about how even when things suck you have to find a way out because the more you say and believe they suck, the more they will.
SUCK SUCK SUCK EVERYTHING SUCKS I DON’T CARE, COME AT ME UNIVERSE. WITH YOUR MAGIC SUNSETS. I DARE YOU. Throw a sunset in my face, see if I give a fuck. I don’t. Spoiler alert GONE because I just said it. I DON’T GIVE A FUUUUU
How many times have I written that it’s okay to feel bad and it’s okay to suck as long as you realize it and then you can rise above it? So why can’t I? I am terrible at taking my own advice.
It’s so much easier to suck at everything than to try hard at anything.
The frightening truth is that I am not happy or okay with who I am, and I may never be. I was drifting along, like a plastic bag in the LA River, when I felt hate and loathing slowly pulse throughout my veins. For myself. People are like, “Shut up so many people would love to have your life” and I’m like, “So what who cares” and they’re like “You’re acting like a child” and I’m like “Nu uh I’m an adult” and then my mom hangs up the phone.
WILL SOMEONE HOLD ME?
I keep trying to work on my book. I take one step forward and two vodka shots back. It’s hard! It’s hard you guys! And what’s the point, anyway? Who cares? “I would rather watch somebody buy their underwear than read a book they wrote.” – Andy Warhol (true story).
There are so many people out there who are so much better than I am. And by better, I mean famous.
Guys life is hard. These are worse than White Girl Problems. These are Apocalypstick Problems. Or even Uncle Almie Problems.
Why do you suck?
hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. it’s tough enough with the universe nipping at your butt without yourself piling on and helping it! 🙂 seriously, though — I was hoping to give a pep talk, but I guess I suck at that.
If it’s any consolation, I think you’re pretty awesome and I suck at life too. I’m not sure how much help that can be but things went sour (job, love life) all in the span of a few months so I decided it was because I’m not destined to be happy…or most importantly, have a love life. But, what has that gotten me? A lot of tears and a strong tolerance towards makers mark. We’re all too hard on ourselves, it doesn’t do shit but make you feel bad – doesn’t make your situation any better, or change how others are towards you.
I don’t know you and such, but you seem like someone I’d be friends with if I lived in LA. You’re crazy, but I like that..not the crazy that tries to fuck my dad or cries for no reason. And your how to deal with a break up video is probably my most favorite thing on the internet and that says something considering how much time i spend on the internets.
Awesome advice Ghazal!!!!
“You’re crazy, but I like that..not the crazy that tries to fuck my dad or cries for no reason.” BEST LINE EVER.
Thank you so much for the love and compliments.
Okay, so this is part where all your loving fans tell you to “Buck up!” and “You can do it!” and “I believe in you!” and “You’re amazing!” and cheesey stuff like that.
So, I’m going to try to say, without being too cliché, that you need to stop that self-pity thing right now or you’re never going to get anything done. I know because I’ve been there. Hating yourself takes up a lot of time and energy that you could be using to create.
So, you’ve had your pout. Now, read all the nice comments you’re going to get, feel better and get back to work!
I don’t know what you’re book is about, but I can say that I will definitely want to read it because I like your writing style, your humor, and what you have to say.
Now, put on a smile and persevere!
Andy Warhol was a douchebag,
ugh, girl, im having one of those same days! i feel like i suck at everything too!!
GIRL. I feel you. A lot of people can relate to feelings of inadequacy, but that’s life. You are awesome, and I don’t even know you. So many people who don’t even know you love you! I don’t care if that’s creepy, internet hugs! My remedy for when situations like this arise is as follows:
1. Breathe.
2. Eat something that has chocolate in it. Chocolate works.
3. Music! Find a song that relates to your life. Or one that doesn’t. “Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes” by Beck just popped in my mind haha.
4. SLEEP! 🙂
p.s. Don’t worry about your book. Even though it hasn’t come out yet, I already bought it……….
This is the most well-kept secret of the universe: everyone sucks. Everyone is quirky and weird and thinks their boring and selfish thoughts and goes about their daily lives comparing their behind-the-scenes footage to everyone else’s highlights reel. You’re no more different or special than anyone else, and on that same note no one is more special than you. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you have a purpose, or that your book is going to change the world (even if it might). If writing this book means a lot to you, then writing it is the only thing that fucking matters. Make yourself happy, even if (and especially if) it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But your mom is right; the sooner you stop throwing tantrums, the sooner you can start doing something that means anything to you, and you will feel a whole lot better. Maybe this means hunkering down and writing this book, or maybe it doesn’t. Either way, you’re damned lucky you get to figure it out. Good luck. I think you’re great.
Gurl, you’re actually awesome and kind of my hero, your blog always brings me the lols when I need them. You need to start celebrating your awesomeness rather then focussing on things you don’t like about yourself!
Plus I’m pretty sure you’d feel a whole lot less like you sucked at everything if you had seen the last 24 hours of my life…its beyond embarassing, but I’m choosing to see it as new great anecdotes I can tell people about the series of awkward failings that is my life.
chin up girl! :]
also I find watching large amounts of 30 rock always makes me feel a lot better
I suck because I recently dropped off 100+ pounds of laundry at the laundry place. Who lets 100 pounds of laundry collect when you’re not even washing it yourself????
I suck because I have wayyy too many bills, including some I just don’t open.
I suck because I am more than 20 pounds overweight.
I suck because I can’t have ONE glass of wine.
On the other hand, I am awesome at lots of stuff. You are too. This is life, girl.
I suggest a trip to Facebook stat to look at people from high school and BAM – you’ll instantly feel better. 🙂
You’re so punk rock to say “I Suck at Everything.” You know you don’t… but goddamn you’re punk rock for saying you do.
You and I, we’ve emailed back and forth a few times. And when I say a few times… I mean maybe once and you probably don’t remember. Anyway, I live in a thrift store in Baltimore and I’m working on a book too about all the freaks I sell secondhand goods to. Fascinating stuff. I once told you that when it’s finished I’d love to send a copy your way and you said do it! Sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me working on it. Without you even knowing about it, I daydream about the two of us and a handful of rad young writers that I have yet to come across, growing up to be the Beat Generation of the 2000’s or for lack of a better term, the upcoming “Fempire” Queens. We just have to keep writing! Write, write, write even if it sucks.
Anyway, you already have “readers” and that’s a start. I’m just diving into this black hole blindly. When I get email updates from your blog I always read your entries: They help me know that someone out there feels like I do and has a quirky way of wording it.
Also… you can’t suck anymore than I do. I just realized that I haven’t changed my bed sheets in over 2 months and I never give money to those creepy Salvation Army bell-ringers…even though they are standing in the freezing cold…during the holidays…
I have been in the throes of classical singing audition season – which is the best time to feel like crap about yourself. You spend hours trying to look your best, traveling to the audition site, eating crappy food and drinking a ton of tea (more tea than anyone should ever drink unless they’re British), and you get to the audition and are forced to wait in the hallway with a handful of pretentious, self-conscious, nervous singers, your name is called and you sing for five minutes and you leave. (Holy run-on sentence Batman). So this past week of auditioning, I decided that no one else mattered to me because they were going through the same thing I was, and that all I could do was go in there and be the best me I could be that day and that was the end of it. This was all working very well until I had a nerve-wracking, hijinx-ridden audition yesterday. I left the audition site near tears, called one of my good friends, and complained for 10 minutes. She said, “I will allow you twenty more minutes to feel bad about this, and then you have to go on with your day and realize you are awesome.” And you know what, I AM awesome.
Which brings me to – YOU ARE THE MOST AWESOME PERSON EVER. I read your blog all the time, I force other people to read your blog, I post everything you say that is hilarious on my Facebook page, and I quote you regularly. I have been so happy to read that you’ve gotten this new job, you’ve got a new dude, and that you’ve been singing and making awesome music videos! As a generation of post-graduate, pre-real life 20-somethings, we are all prone to feel like we have everything figured out even less than anyone else. But it’s not true – no one has it figured out. All you can do is play the hand you’re dealt and enjoy the little things in life. If you work hard – you will move forward. I don’t believe in a random, karma-less universe. I think that things happen for a reason. And if you don’t get that job, or you don’t date that guy, or you don’t end up going out that one night, it’s because there is something better waiting for you.
Everyone deserves to have a pity party, but you are awesome and tons of people think so. We will celebrate with you when you’re feeling back to 100% Almie!
EVERYONE goes through this…hell I’ve been going through it for the past 10 months. Up and down, back and forth. This is a GREAT thing because it means you care AND you WANT TO DO GREAT THINGS. The key is not to be so hard on yourself that you fall into a black abyss of despair that inhibits you from accomplishing anything.
You constantly have to control your mind and change your thought process. Tiresome but it is the only way to get out of it. You probably already know this.
You want to succeed, don’t give up. Be a mad woman in your quest and don’t let anything deter you. Be a fanatic. It is all about consistency. Trite advice….but it is the f*cking truth!!!!
Maybe you should punch yourself in the face to wake yourself up. I kid. Kind of.
Don’t stop writing!!! I love your blog!!! You’re funny and interesting, and just plain awesome!!!!
AH! I know just how you feel… I repeat the “I am an adult, I am an adult, I swear I’m an adult” like a freakin’ mantra but on the bright side, I just found your blog and I LOVE it and I bet your book is going to be fantastic, too. So from a total stranger who just found your blog: Don’t give up!!!
I suck at linking to photos. If you click on that instagram link it will take you to a photo of Brigitte Bardot. brb gonna fix it,
I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately, too. I’m pretty sure EVERYONE does, like EVERYONE. Even Natalie Portman, and she has an Oscar and a baby and still weighs less than the most anorexic Valedictorian.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is, this morning I was doing lots of math to figure out just how in debt I am and then I was yelling at a lady in South Carolina for raising my car insurance costs and then I was staring in the mirror wondering why I haven’t removed my mustache. And then I went to the mailbox and there was a check in it, not for a lot of money, but for enough so that I could pay that parking ticket before it doubles tomorrow, and my insurance payments before they cancel my coverage. Suddenly, the mustache didn’t look so dark. You can always call your mom and whine about it, what are moms for if not irrational tears and teenage behavior?
Things are never going to be perfect, but you can always get laser hair removal.
whoever you are, I love you for the mustache comment. Why DOES it seem darker on bad days????
next time you’re at home crying and watching Netflix (so right now, AMIRITE?!), watch “new york in the fifties”. it’s all a bunch of old writers talking about hanging out with kerouac and getting wasted all the time. self-loathing and alcoholism is all part of the romantic masochism of being a writer. when you hate yourself, consider it a career move. write off your vodka expenses, take that misery and syphon it into your book. when it translates into something creative it will look beautiful.
that said, i don’t totally believe that struggle is all we have to feed the creative beast. you can be well-balanced and still be clever, insightful, and interesting. i think half the struggle of undertaking an important creative project is just grappling with the insecurities of spending your time that way. all artists deal with this. i think the reason i stop and start projects so much is because i haven’t quite gotten over the insecurities that come with the privilege of DOING WHAT YOU WANT. why do we deserve what we want? why do we deserve to be happy, creatively fulfilled? are we being too self-absorbed? should we move to a remote village and feed starving children? i think what i’m looking for is balance. it helps to get out of yourself for a day — volunteer somewhere (this can be as easy as answering phones and moving sheets of paper around on clipboards for an hour or two), write a letter to a friend, mail a package, do a physical activity you aren’t used to. it will make you feel better. take a break from writing if you need to. it’s evident by this comment page that your readers aren’t going anywhere, and you’re a great success already. xo
I think we all feel this way at some points. It’s ok to feel bad for yourself and host a pity party for one sometimes, but I’ve found that the best ways of dealing with personal problems is to just ignore them completely. Find something to take your mind off of whatever’s bugging you and do that thing. Hang out with friends. Get schwasted. Watch a movie about people’s lives that are worse than your own.
Ignoring the problem may not take the problem away, but you’ll have a lot more fun than if you sit there and continually dwell on it. So far I haven’t had to do any psychotherapy, so this method gets the Cherie seal of approval.
I know exactly what you’re going through. Sometimes your body is telling you to slow down, get some rest, eat better, maybe you’re getting sick. If you take care of yourself you will feel better.
Life is beautiful, and you don’t suck. I believe in you Almie.
so i dont know you but i’m in love with this blog. i feel exactly the same and i’m way less cool than you so imagine how much MY life sucks??
also i know it would be the healthy thing to say oh just feel better, but sometimes it’s much better to just hate everything for a bit.
LOLLLL. Thank you! How did you find me?
God, Almie, shut your whore mouth. You are awesome and I love you. We all suck sometimes. I suck a lot actually. Anyway. I will give you lots of hugs in Vegas and even maybe pet your head because whenever I am having sad times I like it when people pet my hair. I don’t know.
We are living the same goddamn life.
You don’t suck. But I know my saying so changes nothing. But really, you don’t.
Yo almie rose. girl you need to chilllllllllll. I know that raging feeling inside. Its cuz you want it. Whatever it is you want it. Thats good. You want to earn it yourself, which means you don’t suck. You aren’t a taker, “a taker” is this new concept i’ve been thinking about. You know when other people make you want to through up because they are sucking your energy because they don’t know themselves? When you are at a bad party and everyone is looking at you, yet no one is talking to you and you can’t fake it because everyone’s a faker, when you act like a crazy bitch to someone cuz they disrespected you, when you get in a pit because people around you aren’t chilling you out like you need at the moment because they always need you to be some way you are not. I was making up this song today when I was walking downtown today, if I can get a damn synthesizer and some balls people will hear it. something like times passing us by everything inside you hold tight. hold yourself girl, you’re the only one that can and you already do. but i’m sure you got some nice friends that will give you hugs and kisses on your cheeks if need be. and remember to BE STILL. you don’t have to like the sunset. but it will be ready for you when you want to like it again. its still there when you don’t give a fuckkkkk. thats nice to know.
O . O. i suck because i’m lazy and unconfident. and sometimes i’m mean to boys that are perfectly nice to me. and maybe I want a boyfriend to much?? probz. I have trouble getting going in the morning because I’D rather be sleepin… all the time. I like to dream to much? I want a boyfriend so he’ll be like “Yo ally, you’re awesome why don’t you like actually do some of those things in your head?” But why the hell can’t i just make myself do them. Ugh? do I really want to be famous. YES… nooooo… just semi ya know. I’m awesome because I’m a mutha fucking angel! <3 <3
I had that same problem most of my life. It still flares up once in a few weeks, but not as bad as before. Here’s my 95%-Fix. Before you start, you need to feel “safe.” To me, that meant having a few months of living expenses. I’ve learned that I stress everyday and for any reason if something happens to that safety net. This is probably because I was living off of $20/week food budget for the longest weeks of my life.
The only step of my fix is to do something you are passionate about. This is generic advice, but I haven’t seen advice on HOW to do it. So here’s how.
STEP ONE
Think of what has been interesting to you. Even though you may have given up pursuits of your secret passions/desires/dreams/whatever, you are still alive. And you clearly have internet access. Your age, location, marital status, $, college ed, etc mean nothing. For example, why shouldn’t a 60 yo electrical engineer be fascinated with creating dubstep remixes, or with high fashion? I think we sometimes forget that we are people and not labels or titles.
STEP TWO
Do it. This, again, is generic advice. The next part, however, may not be.
You will fail. The chances are greater that you will fail than succeed (however you define either of those words), but the only way for a person to really fail is to do nothing, since nothing is both a choice and an action.
And not being a natural at something is a good thing, especially if you have a lot of interests/dreams/things you hadn’t tried before. Failing lets you learn more about the thing you tried AND about yourself. By failing at teaching, you could learn that you enjoy writing lesson plans and tests more than lecturing AND that you’re a bad public speaker. So you now have more information on your map. And routes that weren’t there before. This process will continue until you realize accidentally one day that the knowledge, skills, and experience you’ve developed put you in a place most people don’t even know about. Good work, but you don’t need my praise.
So imagine taking this random person’s advice for all (dozens? 100s?) of the things you’re interested in. Now picture what sort of person you’d be just a few months from today, and it should be harder to sit still.
Welcome to infinity 😀