I Want The Wedding. Not The Marriage.

One husband. One wife. Whaddya got? Two people sentenced for life. – Nina Simone, “Marriage Is For Old Folks”

Oh Apocalypstick, what is your deal? Do you like weddings? Hate them? Do you want to get married or condemn those who do? Tell me your stories. Your dreams. Tell me everything. Okay, imaginary questioner. I love weddings, as long as you give me a plus one. I read wedding blogs like it’s my job. (IN NO WAY DOES THIS INTERFERE WITH MY REAL JOBS. JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT CLEAR. CLEAR WITH CAPS.)

I want a wedding. Why wouldn’t I? I LOVE PARTIES. The ceremony, not so much.

Here’s what I want. I want a Non Wedding Wedding. The invitations will say, “This is not a wedding. It is a celebration of me and whoever I tricked into being with me. There will be a party with an endless open bar. There will be a fantastic DJ, Sarah Jurassica Parker, and yes, that’s me.” I plan on DJing my own wedding. I’m really controlling about music. I got it from my cool Silverlake dwelling hip music industry bass playing cocktail aficionado uncle.

I just hate calling it a “marriage.” Some people get that, that you shouldn’t have to label it, and others say, well if it’s just a word why not use it and definite as you like? That’s a really cool idea in theory but our society (or at least the one I’m a part of) won’t let that fly. Our society is real uptight about marriage. Not just the “precious institution” thing but the little things, the things that you “should” or “shouldn’t” do. I’ve always wanted to wear my engagement ring as a necklace because I hate my stubby little childlike hands, and I don’t wear rings unless they’re huge cocktail rings, but that’s not important right now. But I know so many people who would not understand that. And that’s ok. But damn will it get tiring.

And I want an engagement ring but not a wedding ring. Again, yes, this is partly because of my little fatty elfin fingers, but I don’t want anything that says I’m married. An engagement ring is more like, I am with you and you are with me. It’s like a promise ring but with a diamond. Because I want a diamond. And I would wear it on my middle finger or my index finger, because those are the most flattering fingers for rings. Yes, I know I sound insane. I just really hate my hands. They’re freakishly small. I’m not exaggerating this, I’ll be conversing with someone and all of a sudden they’ll stop and say, “Oh my God, your hands are so small.”

It’s cliche but I have been planning my wedding for a while. Or not my wedding, but a wedding. Because I rarely have a groom I can picture. But my dress? Oh hells yes. I watch “Say Yes To The Dress” and “Girl Meets Gown” and I look up wedding dress collections online (how amazing are those Disney wedding gowns? They’re not really my style, but I love them.) My dress will be short, either a mini or tea length. That I know for sure. There will be cheeseburgers. That I also know for sure. There will be a signature drink. That I know for sure. Who am I marrying? Again, no fucking clue. Look how happy Mick and Bianca are. Sure, they’re probably high as fuck, but I want that candid wedding shot. I love reading about weddings. I am so into this Will & Kate thing. I once signed up for a free wedding magazine subscription labeling my cat as my fiance, because they wouldn’t give it to you for free unless you had a fiance which is just…I mean that’s a whole other post. So they addressed it to Almie and Mr. S. Ony. (My dear cat Sony passed away a little while ago. It still hurts. I have his ashes in a cedar box and last night I laid down with it and petted it. That is also a whole other post.)

So yeah, I want a wedding. Someday. I just don’t know what comes after.

That Thing You Do! – The Wonders


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45 thoughts on “I Want The Wedding. Not The Marriage.

  1. Sophia

    I just want to state that immediately before reading this, I was looking at wedding cake toppers on etsy. Why? No reason, I just think about weddings constantly for absolutely no reason at all. That is just my deal. My best friend is getting married, and she’s really excited for the “spending her whole life with the man she is in love with”, but she is not particularly psyched about the dresses/cake/party part of it, which I think is crazy because I am on your side in this debate. Have you ever read Another Damn Wedding (http://anotherdamnwedding.wordpress.com/)? It’s so charming! I have decided to read the entire archives this weekend because it’s like 90 degrees in Texas and I don’t want to move or do anything productive.

    1. Almie Rose Post author


      Oh man I am SO GLAD that someone else understand. Guys get nervous when they hear that I love wedding blogs, BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M PLANNING A WEDDING ANY TIME SOON, OR EVEN WITH YOU FOR THAT MATTER.

      Thank you Sophia.

      1. Sophia

        I TOTALLY HAVE YOUR BACK, ALMIE. Whenever I imagine my wedding in my head, the guy who I am marrying is basically just a curly-haired faceless entity in a nice suit who has nothing to do with any guys who I know/am dating. They have NOTHING to worry about.

  2. Ana

    Im so glad im not alone in my wedding obsession! I have a ton of bookmarked pages for things I want for my or whoever’s wedding. I thought I was the only one that did this since I have 3 sisters and not one could give a crap about weddings. And I also use a fake groom to get free wedding stuff, its either Ryan Gosling or Damien Rice most of the time. And i love the blogs http://jacinandpat.blogspot.com/ and http://www.stylemepretty.com/ I spend many a work days looking through them instead of working too.

  3. GirlfromHK

    I’m not a wedding nut but I was JUST looking at Anthropologie’s bridal collection today with a friend and seriously started comparing and considering prices…yup, I can see that one easily turning into an obsessions. By the way so much yes to short dresses.

  4. Ameena

    Ah, I’m always so relieved to hear I’m not the only one who obsesses over wedding blogs and “say yes to the dress” (which is totally instant streaming on netflix). I’ve been saying for years that all I really want is a wedding, not the marriage. I’ve even freaked out past boyfriends with my obsession…they just….they don’t understand. Oh and I am officially googling “Disney wedding dresses” I can’t believe I didn’t think of that before!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      That is how I originally got hooked on SYTTD. Netflix streaming is dangerous!!!

  5. Erin

    Ugh. Weddings. I’m getting married in a courthouse and not telling my family for two years.

    The thing is, my parents eloped and had their reception six months after the fact. I guess it’s in my blood to despise traditional marriage ceremonies.

    But I see I am alone in this. :)

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      You’re not alone! I know a lot of people who feel this way.

      Marilyn Monroe married DiMaggio in a courthouse. She wore a lovely little suit. I was going to post a photo of it. I’ll save it for my next wedding post, whenever that is.

  6. marissa

    i’m definitely with you on being the dj! i have had the playlist in my head since 9th grade basically. there will be boyzIImen. there will be dolly parton.
    and i want a non-wedding even though i’ll most likely be marrying an italian with very catholic parents and grandparents. they will just have to deal with the fact that our ceremony will consist of frank o’hara poems and my dad singing.

  7. Tony Archer

    I am a total chick when it comes to wedding stuff. I like planning that stuff and piecing things together because that’s just how my brain works. I like hypotheticals and I like working with budgets and (as weird as it sounds for a straight dude to say) I like pretty things, dammmit! So weddings are the perfect way to work out all of my OCD eccentricities. But that’s not important right now! (BTW, my favorite part of this posting was that you used this phrase again. It feels like it’s been way too long since you’ve said it and it made me smile.)

    I totally understand all of your feelings on weddings and I echo most of them. I’ve always said that my wedding ceremony will likely hold very little resemblance to what most people consider a “wedding”. My two biggest caveats being: 1) I want no mention of the law or any legal jargon incorporated in the ceremony at all. No “Lawfully wedded” this or “By the great state of” that. In my opinion, a wedding should be about love and shouldn’t be made to sound like a contract. Have a 500 page pre-nup if you want, but keep the law out of my wedding. ; and 2) No religious mumbo jumbo involved. I am not a religious person, and I doubt I would ever marry a religious person. I wasn’t invited to God’s wedding, so I’m pretty sure it’s cool that God isn’t invited to mine.

    Also, Almie, sometimes it frightens me how much we share a brain. The Disney Wedding Dresses are all AWESOME! Plus, now that the new Alfred Angelo line has come out, the old Disney line designed by Kirstie Kelley are going for like $300-400! That’s like almost a rational price to pay for a wedding dress (unlike what those psychos on SYTTD pay. You could buy a brand new, fully loaded Kia for what some of those people pay!)! Yes, I watch SYTTD. My friend was mocking me the other day for being the only guy on the face of the planet who watches SYTTD and then switches to the Stanley Cup Playoffs during the commercial breaks.

    I lost my train of thought. I need to stop coming to the coffee shop that serves wine when I’m trying to get work done.

      1. Tony Archer

        You know what I love about you, Almie? You’re always so specific. I think you should change your middle name from “Rose” to “Pinpoint Accuracy”.

        1. Tony Archer

          Okay, so I might have also had some whiskey and might be mildly antagonistic at the moment. I tease out of love. We’ll hug it out later. COACH!

          1. Almie Rose Post author

            I ain’t mad! I’m just super busy right now so I’m keeping my replies short and sweet just to let y’all know that I appreciate and love your comments!

            1. Tony Archer

              I didn’t think you were mad, I just sometimes worry that my dry humor and snark don’t translate online and I feel bad thinking about how I may have hurt someone that I care about’s feelings. Anyway, I know that you’re just saying that you’re not mad to get out of us hugging it out, but it’s cool. I’ll trick you someday! You win this round, A-Bomb. You win this round.

              1. Almie Rose Post author

                At this point it takes a lot to hurt my feelings. I have been called all kinds of mean things on the Internet.

                1. Tony Archer

                  Well hopefully all of my ranting emails about how awesome I think you are and how we are total BFF soulmates should let you know that I don’t think you’re a jerk or anything. Also, point me in the direction of the people that have said mean things. I’ll show ’em whatfor!

  8. G

    >>My dear cat Sony passed away a little while ago. It still hurts. I have his ashes in a
    >>cedar box and last night I laid down with it and petted it. That is also a whole
    >>other post.

    This made me cry in the worst possible way.

    Thank you.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      And I have three cats right now that I love to death and they love me and Sony lived a very good life!

  9. Drea

    I don’t give two shits about getting married, but I know I want to throw a party. Everyday, my wedding is slightly different. I suck at making decisions. I should avoid the whole wedding thing entirely, but I can’t stop reading wedding blogs. I feel sorry for whatever poor bastard wants to marry me.

  10. clairedammit

    Is that Rick Astley in the bow tie in the first photo? Did Bridget Bardot just rickroll us from the past?

    I’m actually the opposite. I love being married, but after the wedding, I said I never wanted to do that again. I understand wanting to have a wedding once, though. It was an experience!

  11. Theresa

    i tottallyyy feel for you and understand the wedding non wedding. also…i have a confession..i am not even in a relationship- i have an account on theknot.com with my engagement ring, possible wedding dresses and such picked out. i tell my friends its for all 2 million of them who have gotten married in the past 3 years and I have been a bridesmaid in their wedding-so i can help with ideas…but secretly..i could get married in a month…just fill in the spot with a man!!

  12. Adria

    Okay, so first of all, THANK YOU for your comment. And second of all, I’ve just become obsessed with wedding blogs/wedding photography websites, et cetera. A friend emailed me the link to the Anthropologie wedding website a few months ago and I don’t think I did ANYTHING else the rest of the day.

    Sometimes I wonder how I’d deal with food at my wedding, because I don’t want caterers (because, I mean, been there DONE that) but I also don’t want a buffet of cold cuts.

  13. S.

    I was actually reading this post thinking… “Did I write this?….. Have I gotten funnier?”

    BECAUSE HERE’S WHY: I agree with everything. To the smallest detail. INCLUDING MY HANDS. People have actually ALSO stopped me mid-conversation to marvel at how small my hands are. I get made fun of constantly. I don’t wear rings. I feel that they mock my tiny stature. The rest of me is totally proportioned properly (save for my huge ass). But to this day… I have never met another adult with smaller hands than me.

    You know what this means, don’t you? We must compare hands.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      We should each take a photo of us holding the same object. from the same distance. then we can compare. right?


      1. S.


        Pretty sure the object we most have in common is a bottle of booze. Small (and drunk) hand high fives!

  14. alonewithcats

    I want a wedding ring, but not an engagement ring. I like the idea of wearing a little band on my left ring finger that lets everyone know that SOMEONE LOVES ME DAMN IT. Maybe because no one loves me right now. Unless you count cats. Then two someones love me.

    Then again, I don’t have Elfin hands. I actually get a lot of compliments on my hands. A few people have told me I should have been a hand model. I don’t know why I’m single, either.

    Now, I won’t refuse my mom’s diamond if she wants to give it to me someday. I’ll probably inherit it. The odds are in my favor. I may be single, but my brother dates boys, so at least it would fit me. And it’ll come in handy, because my cats are going to propose any. day. now.

    1. Tony Archer

      I love everything about this. Although, the preferred term is “Narnian-American”, not “Elfin”. No wonder you’re alone, people must think you’re racist!

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  16. Brian

    Cheeseburgers? I’ve always threatene-I MEAN TOLD my parents that in the event I find someone who I can trick into marrying me, there will be pizza at the wedding, but I think I could stretch the menu to include cheeseburgers, too, and I’m a little jealous I didn’t think of it first.

  17. Sara

    Ugh, I have small hands too! I’ve actually gotten really depressed over them because I feel like a freak, like why couldn’t I just have normal hands? :( I’m only 5’1 but they’re even small for my height… (about 6 inches, yes I actually measured them HAHA). Ugh. I actually found this blog by Googling “I hate my freakishly small hands”, hahaha. Pathetic.

    At least for the most part you don’t seem to give a shit… It’s inspiring. I love your blog and your videos are even funnier. And really, your hands don’t look that small. Just a little. I’ll bet mine are smaller, which means I’m the one with freakish hands :( Just curious, how tall are you?

  18. Sara

    Oh by the way, I have seen your hands by now after looking at some of your videos (which I LOVE) as well as a couple pictures on Facebook, and they look completely fine! They are small, but not freakishly so! They’re dainty and pretty, and I’m not just saying that. I wonder if it’s mostly in our heads :p (I hope I don’t sound like a total creeper/stalker right now, haha).

    Love your blog, new favorite (nothing to do with hands either!).

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