One husband. One wife. Whaddya got? Two people sentenced for life. – Nina Simone, “Marriage Is For Old Folks”
Oh Apocalypstick, what is your deal? Do you like weddings? Hate them? Do you want to get married or condemn those who do? Tell me your stories. Your dreams. Tell me everything. Okay, imaginary questioner. I love weddings, as long as you give me a plus one. I read wedding blogs like it’s my job. (IN NO WAY DOES THIS INTERFERE WITH MY REAL JOBS. JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT CLEAR. CLEAR WITH CAPS.)
I want a wedding. Why wouldn’t I? I LOVE PARTIES. The ceremony, not so much.
Here’s what I want. I want a Non Wedding Wedding. The invitations will say, “This is not a wedding. It is a celebration of me and whoever I tricked into being with me. There will be a party with an endless open bar. There will be a fantastic DJ, Sarah Jurassica Parker, and yes, that’s me.” I plan on DJing my own wedding. I’m really controlling about music. I got it from my cool Silverlake dwelling hip music industry bass playing cocktail aficionado uncle.
I just hate calling it a “marriage.” Some people get that, that you shouldn’t have to label it, and others say, well if it’s just a word why not use it and definite as you like? That’s a really cool idea in theory but our society (or at least the one I’m a part of) won’t let that fly. Our society is real uptight about marriage. Not just the “precious institution” thing but the little things, the things that you “should” or “shouldn’t” do. I’ve always wanted to wear my engagement ring as a necklace because I hate my stubby little childlike hands, and I don’t wear rings unless they’re huge cocktail rings, but that’s not important right now. But I know so many people who would not understand that. And that’s ok. But damn will it get tiring.
And I want an engagement ring but not a wedding ring. Again, yes, this is partly because of my little fatty elfin fingers, but I don’t want anything that says I’m married. An engagement ring is more like, I am with you and you are with me. It’s like a promise ring but with a diamond. Because I want a diamond. And I would wear it on my middle finger or my index finger, because those are the most flattering fingers for rings. Yes, I know I sound insane. I just really hate my hands. They’re freakishly small. I’m not exaggerating this, I’ll be conversing with someone and all of a sudden they’ll stop and say, “Oh my God, your hands are so small.”
It’s cliche but I have been planning my wedding for a while. Or not my wedding, but a wedding. Because I rarely have a groom I can picture. But my dress? Oh hells yes. I watch “Say Yes To The Dress” and “Girl Meets Gown” and I look up wedding dress collections online (how amazing are those Disney wedding gowns? They’re not really my style, but I love them.) My dress will be short, either a mini or tea length. That I know for sure. There will be cheeseburgers. That I also know for sure. There will be a signature drink. That I know for sure. Who am I marrying? Again, no fucking clue. Look how happy Mick and Bianca are. Sure, they’re probably high as fuck, but I want that candid wedding shot. I love reading about weddings. I am so into this Will & Kate thing. I once signed up for a free wedding magazine subscription labeling my cat as my fiance, because they wouldn’t give it to you for free unless you had a fiance which is just…I mean that’s a whole other post. So they addressed it to Almie and Mr. S. Ony. (My dear cat Sony passed away a little while ago. It still hurts. I have his ashes in a cedar box and last night I laid down with it and petted it. That is also a whole other post.)
So yeah, I want a wedding. Someday. I just don’t know what comes after.