If I had a time machine.

david bowie and john lennon

Considering that I spend most of my time sighing girlishly over photos of young David Bowie, Paul McCartney, and Jarvis Cocker, it makes sense that my friend Tony made this observation:

“God help us all if you ever get your hands on a time machine and some roofies.” – Tony Archer
Oh ha ha Tony. No. I would use it for great things like saving John Lennon and Kennedy.

But first I would have so much Bowie sex. No, sorry, Paul sex first. Then time machine. Then Bowie sex. Then time machine. Then save John Lennon. Then time machine. Then Jarvis Cocker. Then back home for a nice cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Oh crap, I forgot to save JFK.

Whatever, worth it. But if I did remember to save JFK, and I don’t believe it’s a conspiracy, I think Oswald acted alone, I think I could have stopped him if I went up to him that day, punched him in the balls and said, “Stop being a dick” then handcuffed him to a streetlamp, called the police anonymously, then time traveled my sexy ass back to 2012. This is also the same thing I would do with Mark David Chapman. Or maybe I would instead try to be their friends, because friends don’t let friends assassinate presidents and musical geniuses.

“I guess I just wasn’t made for these times.” – Brian Wilson


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6 thoughts on “If I had a time machine.

  1. Madeleine N.

    Instead of stopping both Oswald and Chapman, you could save yourself a trip and just stop The Catcher in the Rye from being published.

    “But why destroy one of the best and most influential books ever when I could just go to each psychopath individually?” you say. More time for McCartney/Bowie/Cocker sex, naturally.

  2. G.

    Come on, Almie. If you save JFK, we get the earthquakes, nuclear war, and President George Wallace.

    And, conversely, if you save John Lennon, we get an entire planet controlled by killer whales. They rise up out of the ocean and attack us with their laser eyes, or something. YOU KNOW THIS IN YOUR HEART.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Also, we get a Beatles reunion concert!…in which Paul McCartney is blinded in a sudden riot. Fuck Stephen King for doing that.


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