Hey buddy. Things aren’t looking so hot, are they?

Look, I get it, Chuck. This is a raw deal you’re being served. They may as well give you a platter of sashimi, that’s how raw this is. I mean you were expecting an award one minute and the next you’re in handcuffs. That has to be a little surprising and unexpected. Like when that young girl came to your place expecting to be photographed and instead wound up with you playing her like a pianist (great film btw, buddy. I mean I didn’t see it, but Adrien Brody looked really thin and unhappy, so I totally get what you were going for). You must have been like, “What the?????” like those freeze frames before the commercial breaks on “Charlie’s Angels.” So not rad.

And who was that girl anyway? I believe you, she did NOT look 13. You thought she was 18, Chuck, and 18 is legal. Still doesn’t really explain why you raped her, but hey, you thought you were raping a fully grown woman NOT a Bad News Bear. I get it, buddy. These young girls in Hollywood, with their hair and their lipstick, who can really say how old anyone is? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s younger sister? She looks like one of Demi Moore’s carpool buddies.

Where was her mom anyway? Who was her mom to send her daughter to a creepy little dude’s house? I don’t care how famous you are I sure as hell am not sending my starstruck daughter to your house. Not unless I am following her and I’m holding a dartgun. So as far as parenting goes, she was driving on the wrong side of the road, if you know what I mean, and no one can fault you for that.

HOWEVER…it’s kind of hard to get off of this whole rape thing. I know, I know, she wouldn’t say yes — what else could you do? I mean we’ve all been there where we just had to force quaaludes and champagne into someones’ mouth and say, “Get in the jacuzzi, I directed Rosemary’s Baby.” I mean I can’t even tell you how many times I have had to drug my dates. It sucks bro! Someone should do something about that. There’s got to be a solution for all of us.

You should get a better deal though, Chuck. I mean you directed The Tenant! And Frantic! And Macbeth! I mean these are classics!!!

In all seriousness though, I’m really sorry that your mom died in a concentration camp. That is awful. I cannot imagine the pain you had to go through. And then on top of that, your wife is slaughtered. Some days you probably thought to yourself, “Is this my life?” And you looked in the mirror, and you decided to focus on work, and you strove to be happy, and you made Jack Nicholson your best friend but then you fell apart. And the worst part is that when you fell apart, you took someone with you, someone who didn’t deserve it. I know that you must know what you did was wrong. But you’ve lived this insane life of limitless “Yes.” Everyone has said yes to you. But she didn’t. That’s the most important part in all of this. She didn’t say yes and she was a girl.

Sorry bro.

Time To Pretend — MGMT
Too Young — Phoenix
Watch That Man — David Bowie
Angela — Jarvis Cocker
Shine A Light — The Rolling Stones