‘Tis the season of breaking up, it seems. A couple of my friends just broke up with their dudes while others contemplate breaking up. These are trying times. (For the record, I am NOT breaking up, so there is nothing to read into here! Face value only. Fun fact: I originally typed “face value” as “face failure.” I say we coin “face failure” as a new saying. Any ideas of what it could mean?)

If you’re currently going through a break-up, I offer my condolences and the following that may or may not help you. I’m not going to say, “Everything’s going to be okay” because you’ve probably heard that phrase a lot lately and it may not mean anything to you anymore.

First, I think you’re going to need to say “yes” a lot. Your friends want to take you out for a comforting drink? Say yes. You got invited to a party? Say yes. You got an offer to work on a project? Yes. That dude you used to hang out with asked you out? Say yes! You need to be as busy as possible right now. You need other things to focus on aside from your own misery. Unless you can turn your misery into something productive like “500 Days of Summer” or any Smiths song.

Now about that date. Some dude (or lady) might call you up and ask you if you want to go for a drink. Unless this person is an awful, awful person you have nothing to lose by going out. You don’t have to fall in love with this person or promise them anything. However if they’ve been in love with you since second grade, now might not be the time to go on this date and break their heart. But have a little fun. Remember flirting? Try doing that again. Be flirted with. Fun fact: asking a girl if you can take a picture of her boobs for your “art book” is NOT flirting. Don’t do that!!

Now, you’re getting out there, going out, seeing that band, going to that play, getting drinks, writing, selling coffee, whatever the kids are doing. Usually around this point, the point where you’re finally ready to face the world by yourself, acknowledging how much that sucks but no longer crying over it, this is the moment where the ex comes back into the picture. It’s like they have radar for knowing the exact moment when you’ve forgotten about them, or at least started to get over them, when they barge right in, like the Kimmy Gibbler of your full house.

It’s going to be very, very tempting to accept their offer for “coffee” or “hanging out” or whatever seemingly innocent activity they offer you. Here’s what you need to do, when they call you and tell you about their lives and how great they are, and how you guys should meet up: smile and nod. Not literally, because you’re on a telephone, and they can’t see you unless you’re on a videophone like Beyonce raves about. You need to figuratively smile and nod. Play it cool. It’s like when Homer called the police about an alien sighting and Chief Wiggum answered:

HOMER: The alien has a sweet heavenly voice. Like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night. Like Urkel.

WIGGUM: Wow, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

That’s what you need to do. You need to take his information in, and type it up on your invisible typewriter. Who cares if you still love him? Who cares if he still loves you? He’s got to fight for your love. Nod and smile.

Remember that your ex is like that Into The Wild kid. He wants to go into the wilderness, but he left without a map, and he’ll probably starve to death. If he wants to figure shit out, he can buy a map. He’s probably in a place right now where even if you gave him a map, he wouldn’t use it.

Note: not all relationships are like this, of course. I’m not suggesting that the man is always at fault. Maybe you screwed up epically and there is nothing you can do to fix it. In which case, now you know better, so you can do better.

Waiting For Bulletproof At First Sight (Deep /Blk vs Marc Johnce Mashup) — La Roux + Kylie Minogue + Gwen Stefani