This is one of the more embarrassing things I’m going to admit. That says a lot considering this and this (and you can read more about that second incident in my new book, I Forgot To Be Famous).
I blog about weddings a lot, but I do not want to get married anytime soon. I just like weddings. I like to party. I like the trends. I like the blogs. I like looking at dresses and looking at rings. I’m a wedding girl. These things happen.
A few years ago, I was in the middle of wedding fever, and the only prescription was more cowbell more wedding fodder. The blogs just weren’t enough. I needed something harder. I needed a magazine.
Shit was getting real.
But I didn’t actually want to pay for the magazine. I hadn’t completely lost my mind. So I searched the internet for “free wedding magazine subscription.” (I know, I know. I just, I know.) I found a lot of leads. Some were dead ends. Finally I found something. A new wedding magazine was offering to send the first issue, free. Zero payment.
But there was a catch. You needed to provide the date of your wedding, the location (just the city) and the name of the groom. Which is really fucking weird, why the hell do they need to know the name of the groom? What if you are the groom? What if you’re a lady marrying a lady? I still don’t get it. But whatever. I made up a date, put my city, and as for the groom…I glanced around my room, looking for inspiration, the way Robin Williams did to come up with the name Mrs. Doubtfire.
And then I saw it. My cat.
Yes. My cat.
I’m not proud of this.
I used the name of my cat.
My cat’s name was Sony (may he rest in peace.) So I put my fiance as “Mr. S. Ony.”
“Haha!” I thought. “I beat you, wedding industry! I beat your system! I’m not even ENGAGED. My fiance is my CAT . Who’s stupid now???”
Oh, Almie. You.
Because now, I get all these invites for bridal shows:
I did this. I DID THIS.
It was ONE time, years ago, and I STILL GET THESE. It was one time. ONE TIME! Yes, I got the magazine. It was enjoyable. But ever since, I’ve been getting an endless stream of postcards inviting me to bridal showplaces. (Sometimes the invites come in a nice envelope, leading me to believe that I was invited to an actual party or wedding. And then I open it and feel like an idiot.)
These showplaces are events one goes to when they’re actually engaged to be married. Some things you can do at these events:
- Attend seminars. About…who the fuck knows.
- Get makeovers.
- Find free (sure) or discounted wedding planners.
- Sample cakes, hours d’oeuvres, chocolate desserts, and candy buffets.
- Win prizes.
- Get free stuff, like personalized t-shirts.
- See a bridal fashion show and the latest wedding gowns.
Even after I moved, they still found me. I don’t know how, but they found me. Run for it, Marty!
And I get emails too. So many emails soliciting me for wedding and bridal stuff.
This is my fault. I know it. To quote a sobbing Wadsworth (Clue), “We all make mistakes.” And to quote Mr. Green, “Mrs. Peacock was a man?” And to quote Wadsworth again, “Why should the police come? Nobody’s called them.” Those last two don’t have anything to do with this, but once I start quoting Clue, it’s very hard for me to stop.
Anyone else here have some embarrassing wedding stories? Please share.
PHOTO CREDIT: Daryl Westbrook, 1970, Nantucket Historical Association via Flickr.
this isn’t embarrassing- it’s just hilarious and adorable! I only wish the postcards came addressed to you and your groom “Mr. S. Ony”. I think you were VERY clever for making your cat your fiance.
OH I SO WISH IT WAS ADDRESS TO “MR. AND MRS. ONY”!
Communism is just a red herring!
Now I’m gonna go home and sleep with my wife!
Flames… Flames, on the side of my face…
Breathing…heaving breaths…so…so…breathing…breaths…
PS This is hilarious and I love you for it
I’ve never signed up for things but I am a wedding blog BANDIT.
And in the same boat as you. Not engaged, don’t want to get married. I don’t even have a boyfriend. Hell – I don’t even have a cat!
And yet, I’m about to click the ad on the sidebar of this blog offering 15% off wedding stationary because I just want to look around, and get ideas, and maybe order a sample to store away…
This is hilarious. Kind of reminds me of how when I was in high school I sent away for information on joining the military so I could get a free pair of socks that said “Navy” on them. I had no intention of joining, I just wanted the socks. They sent me lots of stuff for awhile.
Also, I was married once and never intend to do it again, but I love all the wedding shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” and “I Found the Gown.”
Dude, don’t worry – I definitely did this once too. I got so many letters/emails counting down to my fake wedding and urging me to get my preparations in order!!! Never again.
I watch “Say Yes To The Dress” religiously, and have been subscribed to the Vera Wang wedding newsletter since I was 18.. because you never know! When Pinterest came out with their secret boards, my first thought was “YES I CAN FINALLY CREATE A WEDDING BOARD WITHOUT SEEMING CRAZY!”. It’s the little things in life.
So don’t worry, we’re all a little wedding crazy! 🙂
Almie Ony really has a ring to it.
At least you got the magazine. It would have been really depressing if you’d never gotten the magazine, just the bridal show invites.
Almie! I went to a bridal fair two years ago to get a discount on MAC makeup and they asked me for a groom’s name too. I wrote Jakob Yillenhool. Now I get spammed with invitations to bridal shows and exhibits. And also a countdown to the date of my wedding.
…that was brilliant of you. Was it worth the discount?
What I find incredibly weird and not very smart on their part, is that now that your (fake) wedding date has come and gone, should’nt you be out of their mailing lists?
Also, I really love your writing, know you have a fan from France 🙂
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I’m totally commenting on this post many, many months too late. Oh well.
Just wanted to say that I’m more embarrassing than you. About a year ago, I was in my senior year of college and had a rare quiet Saturday to kill. I randomly came across an ad for a wedding fair going on nearby (so basically, what you’ve been getting invites for), and catering samples/freebies/etc. sounded pretty good to me. So my friend and I went, and pretended we were engaged to each other. All in all? Amazing day. Fancy cake and appetizers, photo booth sessions, tote bags, pens, etc., lots of congratulations offered my way… Maybe I’m a bad person, but I paid my $5 entry fee and it was a lot of fun. A+, would recommend.
I took a lot of hilarious photos too, but can never show anyone because they might think I was obsessed with getting married, instead of the real truth, which is just that I like weddings and cake.
I THINK THAT IS INCREDIBLE AND I TOTALLY WANT TO DO THAT. NO LIES, NO FRIES.