If you’ve been keeping up with my blog or if you are even a vaguely observant person, you may have come to the conclusion that I am vapid, insecure, and a raging egomaniac.

I just want to assure you that you are indeed correct.

I absolutely need to be the center of attention at all times. It’s always been this way. When I was a little kid I once burst into tears and threw a tantrum at a birthday party because the other kids didn’t like “Home Alone 2”. Enjoy your goddamn ice cream cake and My Little Pony now, bitch.

However I’m not totally psychotic; I realize that not everyone wants to lavish me with attention. I’m not sure why though because I am easily always one of the most interesting people in the room. It’s just a fact. (ONTD? Anyone?). In between beating myself up and wondering why every man I meet doesn’t fall in love with me, it’s actually amazing I’m able to function at all.

And, to be honest, because honesty is the word of the day, it is actually hard for me to function when a guy I fancy is hitting on a friend of mine and not me. To quote Pat Benatar and not Jordin Sparks, I don’t know who that goddamn bitch is fooling with her “new” song, “Love is a battlefield.” And I fight like those people fought over Oprah’s free KFC coupons. Those brave souls.

Ladies, we need to be nice to each other. If you like a guy and you know I like him, don’t be a dick and pretend that you don’t notice that he’s hitting on you. Hint: if he threw you into the pool, he’s hitting on you. Guys are sometimes very easy to understand. And women are the mindfucks.

Does the previous paragraph make no sense? That doesn’t matter at all really, because my point is this, and I’ve said this from (almost) day one of my blog:

Would Brigitte Bardot put up with this bullshit?

Fuck no you dumb bitch. I need one of those memes, those, “Look at this goddamn president” memes made up for Bardot. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. Remember what BB said: “I don’t get left. I leave. I decide.”

I was at a party and everyone else had left, and it was down to 7 of us, and everyone is coupled off except for me. Did I feel like an ignored loser? Fuck no, I grabbed my shit and left, without saying goodbye because 1.)I doubt they’d notice, as I mentioned there were 2 couples on the deck and the couple in the goddamn pool who are practically in love with each other but won’t admit it and 2.) Because I need all the attention and drama. Home Alone 2. Home. Alone. 2.

Ladies; if you’re at a party and you’re not being paid attention to, and the guy/girl you like is hitting on your friend, then 1.) hit on someone else at the party, preferably hotter or 2.) just leave. Because you don’t get left. You leave. You decide.