Remember all of that stuff I say about “letting it go” or something? Sometimes you just want to drink and eat McDonalds and feel sorry for yourself. Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t care, it’s my blog, I’ll write whatever I want. Anyway. Here you go, self (and possibly others), for when you want to drown in your swimming pool of self pity:

~~ You failed. You failed and you should feel bad.

~~ Everyone is lying to you. It’s not going to be OK. It’s going to be terrible. How naive are you? What are you, a Disney princess? Even worse, you’re a Disney animal. You’ve got big eyes and you talk even though you shouldn’t because you’re only a raccoon or some shit. Even worse, you’re a flower. You’re a talking flower. What the fuck.

~~ Oh you think that life is skipping down a yellow brick road, looking at puffy white clouds, while it rains gold and honey. Well guess what? Gold is heavy and honey is sticky. And if that shocks or upsets you, then I’m sorry.

~~ Have fun working at your day job for the rest of your life. You’ll get auditions, you’ll get called back, you’ll meet the producers, and then you’ll blow it. Because you suck. Everybody knows it. But nobody knows it enough to care, or tell each other. That’s how small you are. There’s not even one website that hates you.

~~ Why don’t you just keep eating? Oh, I see that not only are you eating, but you’re drinking too. Why not? No one thinks you’re attractive anyway.

~~ You’re not even rich enough or famous enough to be this short.

~~ There’s a reason why all the boys hit on your friends and not you: they’re better looking.

~~ You think that life is a journey, not a destination. Well get off the fucking bus, because you’re here.

~~ Just keep eating, really. No one likes thin people. It’s not like thin people get benefits or anything. It’s not like thin people are better than you are. Oh no wait IT’S EXACTLY LIKE THAT. But go ahead and have that 3rd glass of Sofia sparkling wine.

~~ YOU ARE BAD AT EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO. You don’t even breathe correctly; you always breathe through your mouth. What are you, a barnyard animal? Even barnyard animals get benefits; fairs, parades, petting zoos. Have you ever been a prize pig? Fuck no you haven’t. You haven’t been a prize anything. This means that even pigs have a better chance of winning something than you do.

~~ And fuck you, Beck. You are not a loser and you are not allowed to sing a song about how you are one. Just go back to your Scientology castle and hang out with Giovanni Ribisi. No one is buying your bullshit. You are not a loser. Goddamn you and your lies. You sit on a throne of lies.

~~ What don’t you fucking understand?

~~ Oh Oh Oh I get it, you’re going to be really hard on yourself, oh that’s so hilarious, oh how you dazzle me. Great scott! Oh here we go with the Back to the Future references.

~~ I think I might be Marty McFly for Halloween, what do we think about this?

~~ GET OVER YOURSELF. WHAT THE HELL. You’re acting stupid. You ARE stupid. You don’t even know how to tie your shoes the real way! You just make two bunny ears and tie those together. That’s idiotic.

~~ The failboat has no room for you, it cannot contain your failure. Everyone on the Titanic is laughing at you, as the ship is sinking. That is how much you fail. The captain’s like, “LOL” and Leo DiCaprio is like, “OMG” and Billy Zane is all, “SRSLY U GUISE.”

~~ How is “Titanic” over a decade old?? You are OLD.

~~ Welcome to your life. There’s no turning back.

~~ You stole that from Tears for Fears. How sad is that?

~~ That’s not sad, that’s a great line.

~~ From a new wave 80s band.

~~ So?

~~ So you don’t find that lame?

~~ It’s not my fault that Tears for Fears said it best! Fuck you!

~~ What? Fuck YOU.

~~ Fine!

~~ FINE.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World — Tears For Fears
I’m A Loser — The Beatles
The Decline And Fall Of Me — Sparks
Take The Long Way Home — Supertramp
Sad Songs (Say So Much) — Elton John
Torn — Natalie Imbruglia
Even The Losers — Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Everybody Wants To Rule The World — Patti Smith