I Love British Men

British men

I love British Men. I blame David Bowie. And Paul McCartney. And Jarvis Cocker. To me, British men are like Pokémon: gotta catch ’em all!

I’m on Tinder now (God help me) and I am seeing a lot of British men pop up. (Do they prefer English men? Englishmen? Someone help me out. Is British somehow offensive? I have no idea.) I know that they’re British because they say so; it’s not like I have really good British radar where I can see a photo of someone and tell. And by the way, when I say “a lot” of British men, I mean like 1 out of every 40 guys is British. Which seems like a lot when you’re bored and go through Tinder about as often as you blink. I am absolutely fascinated by Tinder. But that’s not important right now.

What’s important right now, and forever, is British men. Yes, I absolutely have a Brit fetish. I’m aware that this could be offensive, because few people really want to be someone else’s fetish. I’d be creeped out if someone boasted their love for Jewish-Italian girls and treated me like an object. But, come on. British men are amazing. You could take the most unattractive British guy and bam! Bob’s-your-uncle he’s 10x more attractive than an average American guy solely because of his accent. It’s true and I’m not sorry.

I’ve been chatting with one particular Englishman on Tinder. We’ll call him Bert, after the ever-delightful chimney sweep. Bert and I sent a few messages back and forth, and then my brash American brain decided I needed proof of Britness. I asked him to call me to, “prove you’re British.” And God save the Queen, he did. And I don’t care if the accent was fake, because it was incredible. Hearing a British man talk to you over the phone is like hearing your own private concert from your favorite musician. They could say anything and it would sound like a gorgeous symphony. Imagine your favorite English accent in your mind. Now imagine it saying, “I strangled six cats with an iPhone cord.” Fabulous.

Bert and I were going to meet last night, but we didn’t. I think we’re both too nervous to actually meet each other. And now, if he sees this, he’ll probably never want to meet me. And that’s okay. Such is life. Sometimes life is about what doesn’t happen, instead of what does.

I’m exchanging messages with another British dude on Tinder, too. Or at least I was, until he stopped responding. And I didn’t even say anything offensive, I swear.

I think men on Tinder are Googling my name and are finding my blog and going, “LOL hell no, k byyyeee.”

Oh, well. Mind the gap.

Let’s discuss British men and/or Tinder. I want to hear your stories about either. Or both!

 

Photo of David Bowie by me @apocalypstick.

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24 thoughts on “I Love British Men

  1. Anonymous

    you’re, like, overly obsessed with not being single. you should try it out for a while and stop pursuing so much

  2. Paulina Angel

    Growing up I always had a thing for british men, mainly through my love for The Beatles, I love Paul McCartney, and I love British Musicians.

  3. sara

    in my experience, having been engaged to a scotsman, and dated several other fellows from across the pond, there’s got to be a lot more going for them than the accent. godspeed though!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Oh, definitely. But if you live in America and you come here with a British (or Scottish!) accent, you’re golden. It’s not old hat to us. It’s like a ~~whole new world~~.

          1. mark from london

            While I completely understand your love for all British rockers, I should warn you that the average Male From Albion is more likely to manifest his musical inclinations thus:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGBdsJxxWn4

            In fact, for a primer on what the average British Male Who Hasn’t Got the Hell Out of Blighty is really like, you could do no worse than to watch the entire run of the show this is from: “Men Behaving Badly”.

  4. cantaloupe

    I’ve met some really awful British men here in Abu Dhabs. Also, there are some reeeaaally awful British accents. (British includes Scottish and Welsh, btw, English does not.) Although I secretly prefer a Manchester accent. Because I’m a chav like that.

  5. Pam

    I’ve always had a thing for British men, too. Even had this fantasy built up in my head that I would travel to England and come home with several cheeky suitors lined up. That everyone would be like The Beatles or Monty Python and have a wicked sense of humor, especially around an American woman.

    Then I actually did visit London a few years ago and the reality is that people don’t dare look at each other when they’re walking down the street. They avoid eye contact on the Tube. In shops and restaurants, the workers either glared at me, unsmiling, or ignored me altogether. I swear, I felt like I could have walked naked down the street and no male would have looked at me. I also saw some examples of teeth that could have been from “The Big Book of British Smiles” that was on The Simpsons. I wish I could say I am exaggerating.

    I asked my Switzerland-born friend, who was living there at the time and who I met up with, how anyone single could possibly meet anybody in that country? It was depressing. She said at night, everyone heads to the pubs, has a few drinks, and the flirting begins.

    Now, I don’t want to believe that all British people are that reserved and stuck-up. It seemed that the countryside residents were way more open and approachable compared to London’s citizens. I once worked with an older British guy who loved the fact that I was a Beatles/1960s fan. And I met a lovely Englishman in a meetup group once who had a great personality and really genuinely nice (he was also 30 years older than me; maybe the older gents are more approachable than the younger blokes.)

    Of course I still have this fantasy of meeting a young John Hurt type, living in this country…with a friendly, nice personality, wardrobe style and manners that put any American guy to shame. May we each attract good luck in love.

    By the way, Tinder has gained a reputation for being a hook-up app, not so much for finding guys that want a relationship, unless that’s what you want. But you never know. At least you’re giving it a try.

    Love your site and posts, by the way!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I’ve been to London once, and I was 14/15 with my family, so I wasn’t really cruising for English dudes. I do remember that everyone was really polite, from cab drivers to homeless people.

      I like that your fantasy is a young John Hurt type :)

      And I’m aware that Tinder is for hookups — and I’m not opposed 😉

      Thank you!

  6. Maria

    I am British, live in Britain and date British guys… Believe me… They aren’t all that…
    LOVE your blog btw :) I especially enjoy your ‘how to get over a break up’ videos… which possibly gives more insight into my disregard for British guys than necessary. Bitter-angry-me aside (ha), the videos are hilarious :)

  7. emma

    After Pam’s point, I’m just going to point out some stuff about her experience of Brits not talking to each other…

    Firstly, London culture is quite different from the rest of Britain. Londoners are renowned for not speaking to other people – on the tube being a famous example. But when you live in a city of over 8 million people (just the city, not the surrounding areas) and add on the thousands to millions of daily tourists – that’s a lot of people.

    According to sciency people, us modern humans still have a stone-age social brain, meaning we can only really sustain knowing a couple of hundred people across our lives. We are village people, mostly living in vast cities. (NB People who live in villages, not the popular 70s band.) Along with the hundreds of people down in your phone as ‘guy from the pub with the flicky hair’ or ‘girl on the red bicycle’, the ex-coworkers on your social media that you never even really spoke to when you had to see them every day, the friends of friends from dinner parties, the networking contacts and your actual family and friends, why on earth would we also want to start up conversations with strangers on the train.

    We are a city of people who even resort to emailing in to the Metro newspaper about people on the train we thought we hot but didn’t speak to, because we know that tomorrow we’ll have to go to Susie’s birthday drinks and speak to all her friends from university that even SHE doesn’t really speak to anymore, she just invited them because she wanted her Facebook event to show lots of people attending. So who wants to INTENTIONALLY add another person to the christmas card list.

    The rest of the UK is quite different, partly because it is much more sparsely populated, but also because particularly in the countryside, most people are of a very similar socio-economic background, with no language and little cultural barriers from each other.

    With London being a multicultural city of migrants from all over the world and the rest of the country, people identifying with different parts of the class structure, speaking many different languages and having varying incomes of desperately poor to the ludicrously rich, it’s not so hard to see why Londoners can often shut down in public. We come into contact with a lot of interesting people every single day and really care about that person’s life story or creative project or heritage. And sustaining a comparably hectic lifestyle to most peoples around the country, I think we deserve a moment of quiet on the train to read our papers, pretend we didn’t see the drunk guy throwing up on the platform or the girl dripping her breakfast on her top, and to cram in like a sardine into a tube carriage up against some hungover guy’s armpit in peace.

    Also to show I’m not biased, I grew up in a Yorkshire, which is quite different from London. In a Yorkshire village, EVERY body speaks to you. I found it claustrophobic how everybody knew each others business and I especially didn’t appreciate incidences such as Enid from the next street asking me how my urinary infection was doing as a teenager. Hence why I moved away the week after turning 18. That and it being very cold.

    It’s not really friendliness, anyway, but a façade. When we say “hello, how are you?” we don’t really care and we certainly don’t want to do a stop-and-chat. We just want you to say “I’m fine” and walk the fuck on so we can feel better for upholding our polite obligations in public, before getting back to busy days of speculating whether Dave and Lucy at work are shagging and which volumising shampoo/conditioner Boris Johnson uses.

    Almie, as someone with a English musician partner, I can say that yes, it is in fact wonderful. As a musician who only knows other musicians/artists, I can also let you in on the secret that we all met our partners at university. I think the way for you to woo who you want would be to come to London and take some kind of short course. Or fake it and go to a student bar where they serve neon shots. Or I’ll do a real life Tindr and introduce you to one of the guitar playing, swishy haired young men that I know.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Emma, what an interesting comment! Thank you for going into detail, I love learning new things and seeing things from a different perspective.

      “Or I’ll do a real life Tindr and introduce you to one of the guitar playing, swishy haired young men that I know.” UM YES PLZ do these men ever come to Los Angeles?

      1. emma

        I thought that as an American woman with a penchant for quirky Brits, you’d like to know a bit more about the British mindset to prepare you for being Paul McCartney’s next wife. (This isn’t true; I just had too much wine and couldn’t stop typing.)

        I don’t think any of the guys have stepped foot out of Europe, actually, but the moment they do, I’ll send them to Los Feliz.

    2. Pam

      Hi Emma – thanks for your comments. I’ve since heard the same thing about London and other parts of England, and actually have been thinking lately I’d love to take another trip over there, but to see Northern England and the Lakes district.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Wow, he’s popular! God I love his voice. You can have him, I’m still holding out for Jarvis or McCartney, when he’s ready for his next marriage. It’ll happen.

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