This is the face I have to put on when I go into Starbucks, otherwise they just FUCK YOU. (Not like that.)
Starbucks is full of minor annoyances that make my life really, really hard. It’s like, I have to return some videotapes and make my reservation at Dorsia and I don’t have time to deal with your fucking bullshit, Starbucks. There’s a Starbucks that knows me, and do you know what that feeling is like? It’s like being in the best relationship ever. There’s trust and understanding. And baristas, if you’re reading this, you’re going to want to throw a fucking hissy fit and talk about how I’m the worst customer ever, but listen up:
1. I am really, really polite. I never yell at anyone. I never lose my temper. I smile and say hi, and if shit goes wrong, I just put on my Michael Caine face. 2. I tip. 3. I worked in retail and wanted to kill everyone who walked into the store, so I get it, I really do.
THAT BEING SAID, FUCK OFF STARBUCKS, HERE’S WHY. (I’m taking the bullet of all of us here, I’m just saying what we all want to say, I’m like a hero right now, shine a pedestal and put me on it.)
It costs money. But, like, a lot. But I keep buying stuff. But l’m still going to complain in my head about it. No but shut up.
There’s no hot people. Again, nothing baristas can do about this one. Do hot people not go to Starbucks? I have never seen a hot person in Starbucks. This one time I was walking up to Starbucks and this chubby woman in stirrup tights in Tory Birch sandals with a Tory Birch handbag practically dove in front of me to get into the door first to get into line first…while I just casually strolled behind her. I’m not sure what her reasoning was there, for her to practically cut in front of me. It saved her maybe 12 seconds. This has nothing to do with the hot people thing by the way. I’m into guys. Guys who are so skinny it looks like maybe they have a drug problem or are severely anemic. And if it’s both? JACKPOT!
They get my name wrong, even when I spell it out for them. I know that my name is weird and different. Usually when I give my name I’m met with a blank stare. So to help everyone out, I just start spelling it (Almie. A-L-M-I-E.). I am very polite and patient throughout all of this because I used to work in retail and I understand how much it sucks to deal with people all day. And then I get a drink that says “Aelmie” “Elmie” “Elmy” “Almy “Almee” “Alli” “Alley” “Amy” “Ami” and even “Abby.” What the HELL? I’M SPELLING IT FOR YOU.
Or they do this, they start to write my name and then suddenly stop. This is a new one.
They get my name wrong, even when it’s spelled correctly on the cup in front of them. Barista at the counter spells the name right on the cup. Barista 2 makes the drink, looks at it, puts it on the bar and announces, “…AMY.” NO. THERE IS AN “L” THERE. Sometimes okay, the handwriting is bad, but dude sometimes the cup clearly says “ALMIE” just say “ALMIE” just because you’ve never heard the name before doesn’t mean it isn’t correct, don’t just stare at the cup like, “What is this sorcery?” JUST SAY ALMIE, because the problem is that there ARE women named Amy and sometimes when you shout Amy when you mean Almie, shit gets confusing for all of us. And then we have to do the polite customer shuffle of, “Oh, I’m sorry, I think this is mine” “Oh I’m sorry” JUST SAY ALMIE, IT ISN’T AMY, IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THERE ARE WOMEN OUT THERE WHO ARE NAMED SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE AMY BUT ISN’T.
They don’t even try to pronounce my name. That’s just. Ugh. If they shout the order out correctly, then I get that it’s mine, but don’t just stare at the cup, set it down on the counter, and then try to disappear into the cappuccino machine.
Like this.
Children are allowed to go in there. Hey, protip, if your child is ill-behaved, don’t bring them into Starbucks. Starbucks is a place where people 1. Just want to get coffee so they aren’t cranky anymore and can then proceed to get the hell out of there 2. Go on awkward first dates. 3. Have awkward job interviews (which I NEVER understood). 4. Want to work on their laptops and leave each other alone. I could understand if there was a fucking ball pit or something in Starbucks, but there isn’t. Starbucks sells coffee, and coffee is not for children. “Oh but my children don’t have coffee, they drink that Frappuccino thing that has no coffee in it.” Holy fuck, do you have any idea how bad that is, nutritionally? It’s healthier to give them a milkshake from a diner than one of those bullshit things. “What am I supposed to do, leave my kid in the car?” Sure, I don’t give a fuck. Leave your goddamn kid in the car, tie it to a post, put it in a Sergeant Pepper costume and have it beg for change on the sidewalk — those are all better options than bringing it into the store, IF it isn’t well-behaved.
Anyway, an independent coffee shop opened up just near me and their coffee is delicious and their WiFi is fast and free, so I’ll probably just go there most of the time. Except that they don’t have those delicious sandwiches that are 5,000+ calories even though the whole thing could fit into the palms of my small, chubby, elf-like hands.. DAMN YOU STARBUCKS!
I totally understand you. As both a Starbucks patron and barista I have experienced both sides of this. Except the hot people problem. I was continuously blessed with hotties.
Regarding the names, I really did try to get the names spelled right, but when it’s busy I just need the phonetics so the girls down the line can call it out right. I’d rather see the look of annoyance on someones face at a misspelled name than pure rage after a sip of the contents of a wrong cup.
My name is Kathy, and before I worked at SB I would be mad they didn’t get my name right. Cathy? Caty? Kathie? Cathee? WTF? But now I really don’t care. Just steam the milk right or you’re dead to me.
I swear there’s something about the “al” sound that people just don’t get.
The always gets my name wrong too and it’s not even that hard or different. But I always get “ellie”, “Sally”, or for some reason – and this one happens way too often – “allae”…
I agree with Kathy that just needing the phonetics is good but anytime someone writes “ali” it inevitably gets pronounced like Prince Ali.
If anywhere else had gingerbread flavoring I swear I’d never go to Starbucks.
when i was visiting LA, i had the best coffee of my life. at a place called Intellegentsia in Silver Lake. do you live in Silver Lake? if you do i’m here to tell you that you have been making a huge mistake all this time. this is the place you should be going to… at least once a week! you should be doing this for me. in fact, if you go there please take your cup of coffee and make a little toast in my honor in the middle of the shop.
If I lived within walking distance of Intelligentsia I would go there a lot!
The thing about the children….well let’s just say I almost piddled my pants!!! And BTW’s all those reading this blog….the same thing applies to your children and bridal salons!!!!!
I always tell the barista “Bea” and they never get it right. I say it slowly, I spell it. Once the barista wrote “Pa” and then bellowed “PA” like it was motherfucking Little House on the Prairie. So, yes, ugh.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA
Ha! Just make up a name when you’re not at your normal stop. I have to disagree about hot people too but I live in a college town 😉 Agree about misbehaved kids, mine is super good and sits quietly and listens to me and only 5.
The people who bring their ill-behaved children into Starbucks are THE WORST PEOPLE. Like the other day, I was sitting in a Starbucks with a latte, on my laptop, & this young dad sits down next to me with his kid, who’s probably five years old. And the kid is on an iPad, playing some game at top volume, with no headphones, & every so often, the dad says, “Hey, bud, turn that down a little,” but more often, he says, “Hey, get that one! Over there! Kill it!” about whatever fucking iPad game villain the kid is trying to go after. And I’m trying to do some WORK, like people sitting in Starbucks DO, but can you give a five-year-old the stink-eye? And on top of that, when I tweeted my annoyance with such situations, I got a bunch of responses about how KIDS WITH CERTAIN DISABILITIES NEED STIMULATION AND CAN’T HANDLE EARPLUGS, YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE. Which, frankly, only makes me angrier.
The barista probably has a degree and is still having to listen someone spell their name to put on a $5 cup of coffee while they get paid barely above minimum wage. They’re listening to fifteen things other than you spelling your name, which is also the thing they care least about in that moment.
YOUR NAME ON A CUP IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT. GET OVER IT.
That’s easy for you to say, LAUREN. Life must be so great for someone named LAUREN. YOUR LIFE MUST BE PERFECT, LAUREN.
Okay but on a serious note, since you didn’t seem to get that my post wasn’t serious, Starbucks employees make far above minimum wage, have full health benefits, have 401k options, and Starbucks is always listed in Fortune 500’s top companies to work for.
Why do people with no sense of humor go to humor blogs? WHY WHY WHY I DON’T GET IT WHY.
Bringing ill-behaved children anywhere is pretty obnoxious. The mall, sit down restaurants, even Wal-Mart (because I swear if another stupid kid runs in front of my cart while I’m minding my own business, that little shit WILL get run down).. Parents should just raise better children.
Also, as someone with an uncommon name, I feel ya. There have been times that I didn’t want to deal with the bullshit and just told them my name was “Jane” or “Ann” or something. Because otherwise I’ll get Sherry, Cherry, Shelly, Sheree, and a thousand other combinations that AREN’T my name.
I’m not having kids but if I were to have a daughter I would name her Jayne and watch her go through a miserable lifetime of having to explain, “Jane with a Y.”
Hahahaha! This post is genius! You’ve pretty much summed up everything about these rip-off merchants in a far more eloquent and hilarious way than I would have thought possible. Especially great was the point about the children. Why do parents insist on trundling them everywhere with them? I used to work in a (mercifully independent) coffee shop with small walkways between the tables. I would carry very heavy trays full of used cups and plates, and my vision was often obscured. Nevertheless, some oxygen-wasters still think it’s a really great idea to let their kids run riot. One time I dropped a cup on one of their heads when they smashed full pelt into my ankles. Obvs, it was my fault.
Basically the logical conclusion here is that someone needs to make Starbucks illegal.
waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaa!!!
i focus on the negative…
waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaa!!!
complaining rules….
waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaa!!!
Man, in my town all the hot people WORK at Starbucks. I guess because they’re such a minority it’s the only place they feel is safe to congregate.
Also when they ask me how my name is spelled, I respond ,”However you like, suga.” Because spelling is boring.
-V
My Starbucks cups say “SIMON” or “SAMONE”, so I totally feel your pain my friend.
Does that cup say “Aloy”? It kind of looks like it says Aloy.
Our Starbucks has a drive through. Which could completely circumvent the having to bring your kids thing.
Also our Starbucks has like all of five tables which is really annoying and it’s really cramped and my friend and I tried to meet there and hang out but it felt like we were super close to everyone and that they were totally going to eavesdrop on us and it was uncomfortable.
This is my first time stumbling upon your blog and I would like you to know that we would be best friends for real if we met because you are the funniest, realest chick ever.
Word.
As someone who has a name that no-one outside of Wales has any idea how to pronounce, I totally feel you on that one.
The point you made about kids is exactly how I feel about every public setting. Just keep your child away from me at all times.
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