Starbucks is full of minor annoyances that make my life really, really hard. It’s like, I have to return some videotapes and make my reservation at Dorsia and I don’t have time to deal with your fucking bullshit, Starbucks. There’s a Starbucks that knows me, and do you know what that feeling is like? It’s like being in the best relationship ever. There’s trust and understanding. And baristas, if you’re reading this, you’re going to want to throw a fucking hissy fit and talk about how I’m the worst customer ever, but listen up:
1. I am really, really polite. I never yell at anyone. I never lose my temper. I smile and say hi, and if shit goes wrong, I just put on my Michael Caine face. 2. I tip. 3. I worked in retail and wanted to kill everyone who walked into the store, so I get it, I really do.
THAT BEING SAID, FUCK OFF STARBUCKS, HERE’S WHY. (I’m taking the bullet of all of us here, I’m just saying what we all want to say, I’m like a hero right now, shine a pedestal and put me on it.)
It costs money. But, like, a lot. But I keep buying stuff. But l’m still going to complain in my head about it. No but shut up.
There’s no hot people. Again, nothing baristas can do about this one. Do hot people not go to Starbucks? I have never seen a hot person in Starbucks. This one time I was walking up to Starbucks and this chubby woman in stirrup tights in Tory Birch sandals with a Tory Birch handbag practically dove in front of me to get into the door first to get into line first…while I just casually strolled behind her. I’m not sure what her reasoning was there, for her to practically cut in front of me. It saved her maybe 12 seconds. This has nothing to do with the hot people thing by the way. I’m into guys. Guys who are so skinny it looks like maybe they have a drug problem or are severely anemic. And if it’s both? JACKPOT!
They get my name wrong, even when I spell it out for them. I know that my name is weird and different. Usually when I give my name I’m met with a blank stare. So to help everyone out, I just start spelling it (Almie. A-L-M-I-E.). I am very polite and patient throughout all of this because I used to work in retail and I understand how much it sucks to deal with people all day. And then I get a drink that says “Aelmie” “Elmie” “Elmy” “Almy “Almee” “Alli” “Alley” “Amy” “Ami” and even “Abby.” What the HELL? I’M SPELLING IT FOR YOU.
They get my name wrong, even when it’s spelled correctly on the cup in front of them. Barista at the counter spells the name right on the cup. Barista 2 makes the drink, looks at it, puts it on the bar and announces, “…AMY.” NO. THERE IS AN “L” THERE. Sometimes okay, the handwriting is bad, but dude sometimes the cup clearly says “ALMIE” just say “ALMIE” just because you’ve never heard the name before doesn’t mean it isn’t correct, don’t just stare at the cup like, “What is this sorcery?” JUST SAY ALMIE, because the problem is that there ARE women named Amy and sometimes when you shout Amy when you mean Almie, shit gets confusing for all of us. And then we have to do the polite customer shuffle of, “Oh, I’m sorry, I think this is mine” “Oh I’m sorry” JUST SAY ALMIE, IT ISN’T AMY, IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THERE ARE WOMEN OUT THERE WHO ARE NAMED SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE AMY BUT ISN’T.
They don’t even try to pronounce my name. That’s just. Ugh. If they shout the order out correctly, then I get that it’s mine, but don’t just stare at the cup, set it down on the counter, and then try to disappear into the cappuccino machine.
Children are allowed to go in there. Hey, protip, if your child is ill-behaved, don’t bring them into Starbucks. Starbucks is a place where people 1. Just want to get coffee so they aren’t cranky anymore and can then proceed to get the hell out of there 2. Go on awkward first dates. 3. Have awkward job interviews (which I NEVER understood). 4. Want to work on their laptops and leave each other alone. I could understand if there was a fucking ball pit or something in Starbucks, but there isn’t. Starbucks sells coffee, and coffee is not for children. “Oh but my children don’t have coffee, they drink that Frappuccino thing that has no coffee in it.” Holy fuck, do you have any idea how bad that is, nutritionally? It’s healthier to give them a milkshake from a diner than one of those bullshit things. “What am I supposed to do, leave my kid in the car?” Sure, I don’t give a fuck. Leave your goddamn kid in the car, tie it to a post, put it in a Sergeant Pepper costume and have it beg for change on the sidewalk — those are all better options than bringing it into the store, IF it isn’t well-behaved.
Anyway, an independent coffee shop opened up just near me and their coffee is delicious and their WiFi is fast and free, so I’ll probably just go there most of the time. Except that they don’t have those delicious sandwiches that are 5,000+ calories even though the whole thing could fit into the palms of my small, chubby, elf-like hands.. DAMN YOU STARBUCKS!