my future self.

exercise class

Okay so I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round and ’round but there’s really no wheels aside from the ones in my head and they are spinning. I cannot focus on anything except the wrong things, like how loud this typing sounds and how annoying those goddamn children are next door and how I don’t know if I’m hungry and I think that logically I must be as I haven’t eaten since 11:30 AM and it’s 6 PM now and that I’m not sure if I’m hungry really concerns me. I am completely overwhelmed to the point of just being stuck and unable to move, though clearly I am able to type and get this all out there. Every sound is way too present. They are talking upstairs too. Why are they doing this. Why are they walking around. Just stop and stay in one place. I was walking around too and it was making things worse.

Really, on the outside, everything looks fine and probably is fine. I love to take the fine in life and stretch and contort it into “kind of fine” and then “not very fine” and then “fuck, I’ve ruined my life.” That’s fun. I am getting better at not doing this but on days like these when you see the work piled up, it’s piled in your mind, on your computer, when you see it, you think there is no way I am going to catch up with my future self. I know she’ll be there, because that’s how time works, it is inevitable that at some point I will have made these deadlines and I will come out on the other end and try to use this panic as I reminder to myself that things are never as bad as they seem and that I always pull through but

 

THESE. GODDAMN. CHILDREN. NEXT. DOOR. Fuck this, I’m done, I can’t write anymore.

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9 thoughts on “my future self.

  1. D

    I’m about to hit that middle-of-the-year funk myself. 2013 is almost halfway done, and the only thing I really have to show for myself is a new fancy apartment. It’s amazing how much I acquire, yet still feel kind of hollow. All my projects are currently on a brief hold as I freak out about how much focusing and effort I would need to place on projects which might leave me feeling the same when all is said and done.

  2. Ronja

    OMG…I just love the way you write, it always make me laugh so hard. I´s like you´re stealing the thought from my brain or something. 😀

  3. Simone

    Whenever I feel this way (which is actually quite often), I’ve learned the best thing to do is to pause and “reset.” I say “fuck you deadlines!” for an hour or two, and take a nap. When I get up I have a cup of coffee and keep going. Not tired? Just step away from the computer and try doing something else – go for a walk, get out of the house, whatever. If anyone asks you what you’re doing, tell them “Simone’s therapist said this is OK!”

  4. Gene

    I’m housesitting. My bed is single. I haven’t had a single bed since I was five years old and every night I roll into the wall. I’ve heard more neighbourhood domestics in the last three weeks than in my entire life… I feel your pain.

  5. Pingback: I don't want kids and I have my reasons. - A P O C A L Y P S T I C K — A P O C A L Y P S T I C K

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