NER NER NER NER. NER NER NER NER. *CLAP CLAP*

That, of course, is the phonetic spelling of the classic theme song for Beverly Hills 90210. Picture it: a sleepy little town where the prom girl was found dead, wrapped in plastic, and everyone is a suspect. Wait what the hell am I talking about? I have to stop drinking while writing these.

Oh yeah! Not Twin Peaks, but that other classic 90s show I wasn’t allowed to watch. The one with Dylan, Brenda, Kelly, Brandon, Steve, David, Donna and the annoying woman who was clearly in her early 40s but was supposed to be a teenager. And if you’re going to include that photo, then also the kid who died when he shot himself in the mouth and David was all bummed out but then they went to the Peach Pit and talked to a shaking midget who spoke backwards and they figured out who killed Laura Palmer. Wait, that’s still Twin Peaks. Well anyway, stuff happened.

Good stuff, clearly. My mom would not let me watch BH90210 because it was “too adult.” Never mind the fact that Stephanie Collier got to watch AND she had the BH90210 dolls. Do you remember those dolls? The Brandon and Dylan dolls were the best. No one wanted to play with the Steve Doll. We all just wanted the Dylan doll, with his badass leather jacket and his plastic cherry pie and damn fine cup of coffee playset (no, Twin Peaks again, but Dylan definitely rocked a leather jacket. He also rocked a duster, John Cusack style, in the episode where Brenda and Dylan first kissed.) She finally relented and let me buy the knock off Converse BH90210 shoes, where instead of the circle printed with “All Star Converse” it was the BH90210 logo. I was thrilled to wear these shoes, which made absolutely no sense considering that I had never even seen the show, but I knew what it mean to have seen the show. It meant you were cool.

Thus in my later years I netflixed the hell out of this classic series I never got to enjoy while it was still on the air. I’m on season 8, and the strain is showing. I love Vallerie, but my God do I miss Brenda. I miss them being in high school. And I miss Dylan. Dylan is the greatest television boyfriend of all time. I almost bought a t-shirt that had a print of Brenda and Dylan with the caption “I SLEPT WITH DYLAN FIRST” but then I realized that my brother’s name is also Dylan and that might send a weird message. Luke Perry, I love you. I know you’re not Dylan and I’m OK with that. I just love that you brought him to life. (Wait, normal people should stop reading now.) I love that even though by the time I started watching your show it was like 10 years too late and I STILL fell in love with you. I don’t know if you’re single now or what but I think we should date. This is based solely on the fact that you stood up to Bobby and got him thrown in jail. Wait, I think that’s Twin Peaks. Anyway, call me. I’m on imdb. But it’s just my photo without any credits. Because the indie film I was in promised to give me a credit but then they never did. Oh also I’m not blonde anymore. But I can be if you want me to. Actually, it’s kind of a hassle, so I would really prefer to stay brunette. We’ll talk, I’m on Twitter.

Brenda and Dylan forever. Brenda Walsh was the greatest. She had the best fashion. Look at that photo. Look at Brenda’s outfit. Look at how current it is! Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? You could wear that exact outfit today, hair and all, and look totally cool. Now look at Brandon’s nerd hair. And denim on denim? This is why everyone hated you, Brandon. That and your self righteousness that nearly killed everyone. No, really. Kelly was shot because of you. You’re like the worst parts of Jack and Kate (from Lost) combined. You have Jack’s need to be a hero and you have Kate’s abilities to ruin everything all the time. (How many times on Lost has someone said to Kate, “Don’t follow me” only to have Kate follow them and lead to disaster? My God, it’s as reliable as someone being frightened in the jungle by a noise only to have it be Locke or Vincent.) I’m sorry, that was Twin Peaks. No wait, that was Lost. I’m pretty sure that was Lost. What was I talking about?

My adulthood. BH90210 makes me feel more adult than getting drinks without being carded. It makes me feel like I finally get it. I am finally one of you, peers! I can be Team Brenda or Team Kelly because I now understand that reference! Now if someone could only explain to me why Nirvana was so popular. What?? I’m sorry! When they came out I was the dork who wasn’t allowed to do anything “adult” and therefore grew up on my parents’ music. Which is great now but when you’re the only 5th grader listening to The Beatles and not Coolio then it’s kind of terrifying.

To Be Continued…