Jul

21

2009

Nice Going, Asshole.

I get it. Sometimes you need to be an asshole. Like when your assistant, Todd, gets you an extra-foamy latte. Doesn’t he know that foam makes you all farty and bloated? To be the best asshole you can be, you must:

~~ Give everyone obnoxious nicknames. Erika is, “The Kay-ster, nice to see ya!” Nick becomes, “N-Man! How’s it going?” The more obscure, the more asshole it is. Make “Jay Jay”, a nickname in and of itself, “Jboat Overdrive” and you’re in business.

~~ Always, always, always answer your cell phone. First inform whoever you’re talking to in person that you “gotta take this” but never, never, never apologize for it. Then have a loud conversation, hold up one finger to the person you’re talking to (as in, “1 minute”) but continue to carry on for as long as you deem necessary.

~~ Ask people how they’re doing but before they can respond say, “Great!” and keep walking.

~~ Laugh really loudly, for no reason at all. Laughing shows everyone else what a good time you’re having in your own head. (See Tom Cruise for a perfect example of how to do this.)

~~ Talk about encounters you have with C to B list celebrities. If you don’t know any celebs, that’s ok. Make shit up. Pick up a Life & Style rag for ideas on who to talk about. Something like, “I was at Starbucks and Ashley Tisdale mistakenly took my drink. Such a sweetheart though. She offered to buy it for me. I was like, honey, please. Really tall girl.”

~~ It’s important to let people know what restaurants you frequent. Think of how much better off they’ll be knowing that the sea urchin ceviche at Dorsia is top notch. If someone mentions a restaurant that you haven’t been to, but they ask you if you have, wince and say, “Not since they got a new chef.” Trust me, it will work. And you’ll come off looking awesome.

~~ Randomly yell at people.

~~ You know that friend of yours who plays guitar for a hobby? Now he’s a band. An up-and-coming band. Talk about this band all the time and how they want you to help them, “rise to the top”. Mention that you’ve collaborated on a music video. If someone asks you the name of the band, think of a noun and add “explosion” to it. “Fruit Explosion”, “Werewolf Explosion”, “Explosion Explosion” all work well. When someone says that they’ve never heard of them, snort very quietly and say, “Yeah, they’re new.” Mumble something about Paste Magazine and Nylon and get the hell out of there.

Do this and you stand a chance of either having no friends or of being the most successful person ever. It’s really a toss-up.

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