Oh No. The Internet Is Here.

A few nights ago, I went to a house party with a dear redheaded friend. I love house parties. It’s the unexpected factor. Will there be good drinks? Will there be cute guys? Will this be the house party that you saw in the movies, the one where everyone had a good time and there’s fun indie music playing in the background and you all wound up jumping into a pool and then dancing in front of a huge fireplace? Who knows?!

This house party had none of those things. However, they did have food, which I will give them major, major props for. Then again, they also had minimal seating and a very loud band. Look, I’m an old person, I guess. I want to go to a party where I don’t have to drink cheap vodka out of a red plastic cup and where I don’t have to pretend to care about your stupid band that Pitchfork just loves. I want to have adult conversations and adult drinks. At least people are starting to dress better. Yikes, here I go. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I am an old gay man trapped in a young woman’s body.

But that’s not important right now.

Most of the party was spent with the two of us talking solely to each other. I wasn’t in the mood to socialize with others. I was just in the mood to look good and pose. Which is basically what I did. I admit, I could have been nicer. But when a drunk girl practically collapses into your lap exclaiming, “WHOA, I did NOT see those steps there!” and cackles like Bette Midler without the charm, am I supposed to smile and agree? Or am I just a huge bitch?

Here’s where it went from awkward to straight up uncomfortable. My friend and I wandered into the living room and I saw in front of me a very attractive man. He was tall, had the profile of Adrien Brody, and the glasses of Don Draper, if Don Draper wore glasses. Basically I’m saying he was a handsome, well-dressed man. He looked oddly familiar. I was pretty sure that he wasn’t actually Adrien Brody, so why did he look so familiar? And then, like a sharp hiccup, it came to me.

This was my Facebook crush.

A long time ago, I went “boy shopping” on Facebook. I scanned friends and friends of friends for cute boys. I found one and I messaged him saying, “I don’t know you, but I think you’re cute.” He added me back. I looked at his photos, came to the conclusion that he had a girlfriend, and that was that. Eventually I landed a relationship of my own (which recently exploded, like the rockets’ red glare) and never thought of him again.

Until I saw him, in person, at this party.

“Oh no,” I thought. “The internet is here.”

I didn’t introduce myself. I don’t think he noticed me. Probably because I tried my hardest to become one with the wall. But it was a shame. There he was, cuter in person, with a (most likely) girlfriend in tow, and I was doing my best to pretend like we didn’t have access to each others’ newsfeeds. Not like I’m assuming he even checked my Facebook profile. Which brings me to another “I am secretly an old person” eye roll: when did the Internet go from being a convenient way to meet people to a new way to make people feel awkward?

I whispered to my friend the whole messy scenario. We then escaped outside. Where I ran into ANOTHER guy I was friends with on Facebook but not in “real life.” We ignored each other. Or rather, I ignored him, while he probably took no notice of me and if he did, had no idea who I was. The Internet is here, and it’s a real thing, and it’s freaking me out. I do not like what this beast has unleashed upon my generation. Like we don’t have enough problems (hello, fucked up economy, nice to see you again).

As usual, I blame the internet for everything. Always.

We’ve Been Had — The Walkmen


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21 thoughts on “Oh No. The Internet Is Here.

  1. cézanne

    Back when I was really into actually networking on Facebook/logging in more than once a week, I would accept every single friend request from every single person who went to my college who wanted to befriend me, which made me feel social and popular even though I stayed home every weekend and watched my Gilmore Girls DVDs.

    It’s also worth mentioning that I have this curse in which I almost never forget a face.

    Anyway, I accumulated quite a few friends — mostly male — who never talked to me. Ever. Which was fine. But then I started seeing them on campus. They were everywhere. At first, I just recognized one, but pretty soon I couldn’t get through a day without seeing at least two.

    But the thing is, they never talked to me. They never even acknowledged that I existed, at least not in any active way. So this either means that a) I’m prettier online or b) they mass-friended every girl they could find and they had no idea who I was. Neither of these things really do wonders for the self-esteem. But it’s not like it really matters anyway, because once I recognized them, I kept my head down and was like ohshitohshitohshitoshitpleasedontseemeandtrytomakesmalltalk. So I guess that also brings about option c) — that they recognized me, but then also quickly picked up on the crazy and did a 180.

    So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s never a good thing when the Internet and reality make an unplanned collision. I feel you.

  2. Tori

    SO TRUE. i see the internet everywhere–on the bus, while crossing the street, ON THE BUS, on the train…unfortunately, i never see cute guys, just guys who awkwardly friended me because we had a class together, and girls who once freshman year i begged to let my underage friend borrow their fake ID. sometimes i just want to creep really hardcore and go, “why hello, Amanda. i notice you got engaged in Costa Rica this summer.”

    THX FB.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      It cracks me up that the first place you see the internet is on the bus. It’s really giving me the giggles for some reason.

  3. SG

    hahahahahahahahahahahahah, what an AWKWARD party! thats why you should only accept people who you ALREADY talk to.

  4. d

    i think we’re a little far apart to run into one another, but if we did i think it’d be zany fun, just as long as you weren’t in boy-hunting mode; i don’t think i’d gel as a romantic interest. but, i’d hope we’d have a blast with some friend time.

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    1. Beatrice

      It is ridiculous how many times I have done this only to reactivate it later because I’m afraid people will forget I exist. Because I’m the worst.

      What the fuck has Mark Zuckerberg done to us? Fuck Facebook!

      1. Isabella

        Yeah, me too, but this time, I think it’s for good… at least until I’m 40+ and class reunions are in order. Even then, maybe not. Facebook and internet are totally changing relationships and communications and social norms. I’m already socially awkward as it is D:
        Oh, Almie… (gah, it’s so weird calling you by name because I don’t know you!) I know you liked the 60s, and I thought you might like this song. Burt Bacharach is something else.


  6. Erika

    Something worse? I just went to a picnic and a boy who had I had been talking to on OKCupid was sitting across from me. I didn’t even recognize him till he PULLED OUT HIS PHONE AND SHOWED MY PROFILE TO HIS FRIENDS. Their surreptitious glances caught my attention, I realized who he was, and it devolved into an extremely awkward picnic with both of us trying to look nonchalant. Neither of us said hi and he awkwardly messaged me later asking if I had been to a picnic in the park. Oy. Internets.

  7. ryan rose

    dear god. this was already spot on (do you think that MOST of the strong womenz of our generation would say they are like old gay men trapped in women’s bodies?). but then you also had to throw “we’ve been had” on there. perfect. (“modern world” by wolf parade would also fit the bill. as in, internetz, i’m not pleased to see you. you just bring me down.)

  8. Bo

    This freaks me out. I’m pretty sure the internet has been following me around lately.

    But then I realize that there’s no way these people stalk me as much as I stalk them. I mean, right?

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      “But then I realize that there’s no way these people stalk me as much as I stalk them. I mean, right?” I think this is what everyone says about themselves.


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  10. Rebecca

    I am so glad I’m not the only person who goes boy shopping. You’ve made it seem real cool, instead of sad and lonely. My self esteem thanks you!

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