Open Letter To Myself

Almie Rose

Dear Almie,

GET IT TOGETHER. This is the second day in a row you’ve worn sweatpants and I’m guessing tomorrow will be the third. Okay, so you gained some weight, and sweat pants are maybe the only thing that fit you comfortably right now. But you can’t keep doing this. It’s unseemly. You’re not a college student. You can’t roll out of bed in sweatpants and then wear the sweatpants with a hoodie up top. You just CAN’T.

And STOP DRINKING WINE AT 3-4 IN THE AFTERNOON. Yeah, you’re a freelance writer, you can do it, but can doesn’t mean should. And yeah, maybe it makes you a better writer, because you feel freer. And yeah, maybe it’s cheaper than going out. And yeah, okay, you know what, go ahead and keep drinking.

Look, it’s okay that you hate pants. We all hate pants. It’s okay. Pants are the enemy. If they don’t have an elastic waistband, they’re not worth wearing. But don’t use that as an excuse to wear sweatpants every day. You gained the weight, you can take it off. You’re being lazy.

AND YOU HATE LAZINESS. “Don’t be afraid to try again. Everyone goes south, every now and then.” Who said that, Almie? Who said that? That’s right, Billy Fucking Joel said that. What does that have to do with anything? Well, it’s playing right now. So…so there’s that. What was the point? Oh yeah, laziness. DON’T BE THAT WAY. Laziness is an abhorrent trait. You work really hard but you relax just as hard. I know that at the end of the day, the last thing you feel like doing is the dishes, but who’s going to them if you don’t? Yeah you could wait around for your boyfriend to do them for you, but do you really want to do that? I mean, yeah you kind of do. BUT DON’T DO THAT. HE AIN’T YO MAID, GIRL. Is he Robin Williams in a wig? No? Then are we to understand he’s not Mrs. Doubtfire? Correct. He is NOT Mrs. Doubtfire. You’ve been over this theory and it’s been debunked, as he looks NOTHING LIKE Mrs. Doubtfire.

Almie, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

Okay, let’s just sum this up: get it together, lose weight, wear less sweatpants, do the dishes.

Good talk.

Love,

Almie

If you could write an open letter to yourself, what would it say? Write your own in the comments.

Photo credit: Patrick Gookin.

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16 thoughts on “Open Letter To Myself

  1. Casey E. Palmer

    Dear Casey,

    You’re gonna make it happen this year, man. Don’t give up now! I know it feels like you’ve been stuck in the orbit of the Toronto Social Media scene since forever, but you’re making it. You’re making it! Keep working on that blog and mix in a little audio and video, and you just might make it work :)

    Also, draw a comic or two. It’ll do you good.

    You might want to sleep more. It does the body good, and you don’t want to die from sleep deprivation — that’s just not good for business.

    Good luck this year, man. Maybe you can strike it rich or something!

    Your bestie,

    –You

  2. Ryan

    Dear Mr. Gibeau,

    I assume you’re too busy to be reading this letter because of all the hard work you have ahead, but I actually happen to know for a fact that you slack off a little (a lot) more than you should at this stage in the game and so you should probably read this. A wise friend once wrote, “You work really hard but you relax just as hard” and you know what, right now your timing sucks, RYAN, because NOW is NOT the time to relax. Don’t get all short of breathe freaky talk fast and frantic…but also, don’t sit on your ass because the work is a bit heavy.

    Take a breathe, relax your shoulders, but engage your mind and open that creative flow – cause right now, you have a big opportunity and you CANNOT eff this one up! No pressure.

    I feel like I am confusing you right now, hell, I’m confusing myself…welp, do good work. I’m rooting for you.

    Love,
    Ryan

    Also, finish your album asshole, were all sick of waiting.

  3. Paulina Angel

    Dear Paulina,

    How are you doing doll? Feeling shitty again? Well don’t worry doll, its a whole new year, and so far it looks like its going to be way better than 2013. I guarantee you that by this years end, you will be back in San Francisco, you will be back in college and studying for a degree in Gender Studies, and you will be a few months into being a full-time woman and transitioning into the woman you were always meant to be.

    Don’t worry about your family? Once they see the girl that you were always born to be as, then they’ll see that you are still the same person that they’ve known to love all of these years. And don’t forget, you still have friends out there ready to be a second family for you, that will love you during your successes and your failures.

    Don’t stop working on your music, California Baby is destined to be a big hit for you, it has more potential than your first single. The CALIFORNIA album is going to be so good, its going to make ANGEL stink. Also, don’t stop working towards getting Rainbow Alliance for California Colleges started, its going to be an awesome project and its going to be fabulous because its your brain-child and all that you do is golden.

    Well, I better stop writing this letter, don’t want to give you too much of an ego boost, just keep being the girl you are inside, stay positive, confide in your friends when you are feeling down, but continue to being what you always are: HELLA FABULOUS!!

    Amour Et Bonheur,

    Paulina Angel

  4. Alley G.

    Dear Alley,
    Get over it and move on. There’s a whole world out there waiting to be seen and experienced. I mean, there are men out there waiting to be experienced.

    Just kidding, we both know you’re no slut.. so it might be time to become one.

    Love, me.

  5. Maitri

    Dear Maitri:

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your mom is doing enough of that for you. You could stand to be better but you’re doing your best. If anything, read more and eat less salt.

  6. Rubi

    Dear Rubi,

    This is the year you really get you shit together. You are graduating from college (Woohoo!) and this is the first year losing weight is not a resolution. So what if you have been in a terrible dry spell for the past three years? That doesn’t mean you have failed at life. Your wanna-be blog is getting a good response (even if it is just your friends). So work on you flirting game, and stop pining over Hottie McCrush who will never like you the way you like him. Although if you have the chance, do have sex with him. And drink more with friends! That’s the best part of the week!

  7. Anna

    Anna

    C’mon, girl, have some respect for yourself! Stop refusing to shower in the name of “training your hair to be less greasy”. You tried that in middle school. You know it’ll never work. Just clean yourself! Showers aren’t that hard.
    I know it’s 5 am and you’ve been up all night with a migraine, and that some potatoes are sounding really good right now, but remember your goal to look exactly like Susan Sullivan does on her role in Castle. How will you ever be that classy, dramatic, super hot old lady that wears silk robes and says words like “beverage” if you’re already spiraling into the pit of late night cargo-loading? Have hashbrowns for breakfast. After you’ve slept. And actually sleep.

    Tomorrow, wake up, and go walk outside and remember that you… actually like this shit? Take your ipod. Kiss your dogs on the mouth and go. Outside. Walk or run, I don’t care. Let’s be honest, either is really an improvement at this point. Come home, do your school work. Take your time. When you’re done, relax and hate-watch Girls.

    xoxoxoxoxo
    You can do this, bitch!!!
    Love, you

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Oh man, I feel your shower struggles. Why are showers so hard?

      YOU CAN DO IT, BITCH!!

  8. Johanna

    Dear Johanna,

    stop all this productive procrastination. Great, so you’re shower is now a gleaming, shiny beacon of hygiene, but you still won’t use it anymore than you have been (seriously, WHY are showers so hard?!). And yes, you repotted your plant, so it will probably do you the favor of not dying, but guess what?! YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING. This is grad school, and we both know the end results need to be much, MUCH better than that first degree, because this is the one people will care about.

    Also, don’t get so upset about Harry Styles dating a Kardashian – you and he are not meant to be, men who wear tighter, smaller pants than you are just.. no. Although, she is a Kardashian, if not by choice, so maybe do get a liiittle bit upset. But definitely stop spiraling down those Youtube and Tumblr holes, because guess what?! Yup, you guessed it: study!

    But I am happy that you have relaxed about your eternal single-tude (single-ness?). It’ll happen when it happens, and if not, so what? You don’t need a man to have children some day. Well, not physically present, anyway.

    NOW BACK TO YOUR STUDIES!
    Love,
    Me

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