Ryan Gosling

What is the big deal about Ryan Gosling? I don’t get it, and I never have.

The Internet (and “real life”) is freaking out because he’s having a baby with actress Eva Mendes. Um, did anyone think they had a chance with Ryan Gosling? Like his having a baby was the ultimate personal shutdown to you, Ryan Gosling fan. Sorry, but him having a baby doesn’t affect you in any way. You didn’t have a chance before, and you won’t have a chance ever. Sorry. He’s not even the guy you probably think he is. He’s just an actor. You don’t even know him. Let him live his life.

Anyway, here’s what I don’t get about Ryan Gosling.

The Notebook Sucks.

Yeah, I said it. I said it and I regret nothing about saying it. That movie was a pandering piece of baloney. (When I get real feisty about a topic, instead of cursing, I turn into a 1930′s newspaper reporter. Baloney, I tells ya!) Ryan Gosling played an insane stalker. That scene when he tries to woo Rachel McAdams’s character by HANGING OFF A FERRIS WHEEL was absolutely ridiculous. That man was a fucking maniac, hanging off a goddamn ferris wheel like a fool. (Okay, I lied, the cursing is coming back.) He manipulated her into being with him, and then continued the manipulation with all of his stupid letters and saying shit like, “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” Which is supposed to be a really romantic line, but sounds like some creep trying to possess a woman, like I could hear someone following me down a dark street cackling, “IF YOU’RE A BIRD, I’M A BIRD, MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. FLY FOR ME!!” Sorry, but I didn’t find that movie romantic, I found it bizarre. His character had some serious mental problems and didn’t understand the meaning of the word “no”. How is that romantic?

He looks like a farmer.

Ryan Gosling

“Time to plow the fields soon.”

Everyone says he’s so handsome, but I look at Ryan Gosling and I see a farmer, and I can’t really explain this. No offense to farmers, but I guess what I’m trying to say is he looks like a totally ordinary man to me. Like some dude who wandered into Hollywood from Iowa. No offense to people from Iowa. I’m just saying, he’s no big deal. But this is coming from someone who finds David Bowie to be the ultimate sex boat, so my tastes are decidedly different from most of America I guess. NO, I’m not saying I should get a medal for this, but if you want to send me one my address is:

1234 Fuck Ryan Gosling Way
Los Angeles, CA 90000

The memes stopped being funny ages ago.

The whole “Hey Girl” Ryan Gosling meme has been turned into a book, a coloring book, coffee mugs, Twitter/Instagram accounts, and T-shirts, and I’m sick of it. It wasn’t even that funny to begin with. What’s so funny about the idea of a man being sensitive and kind? “A man likes Pinterest? Hilarious!” No.

Anyway, I’m sorry if this comes off as very harsh, it’s just something that’s been building up inside of me for a long time. I will never understand the Ryan Gosling mania. People act like he’s the goddamn Beatles. He’s just a dude with a great job. But if you wanna continue to act like he’s sexy Jesus, go ahead, it’s your life. Just explain to me what the big deal is, because, like a cat trying to pin down his shadow, I’m not getting it.

The following men are more crushworthy than Ryan Gosling:

– Gregory Peck
– Paul McCartney
– Jarvis Cocker
– David Bowie
– Gaspard Ulliel

I mean, you can totally have a crush on all of these men and Ryan Gosling; that’s like saying just because you like Britney Spears means you can’t listen to indie rock. Not true. I’m just saying, in conclusion, I am terribly uncool and out of touch with my generation regarding this particular actor and his fandom, and I’m okay with that.

And seriously, fuck The Notebook.

Images via Zimbio.

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Posted in: celebrities, no i'm not drunk

nutshell

 In a nutshell…

  1. Disappointments are a part of life. Don’t let them stop you. Let them better you.
  2. Sometimes it’s only good on paper.
  3. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do what you want to do or to be who you want to be.
  4. Be fearless. If you can’t, think of your most fearless friend, and be her.
  5. “When I’m sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True Story.”  – Barney Stinson.
  6. Think of how you can be awesome. Use that.
  7. Always choose awesome above anything else.
  8. If you’re not sure what to say, don’t say anything.
  9. You’d be surprised by who in life can, and will, help you. All you have to do is ask, kindly.
  10. It’s okay to have feelings. It’s not okay to let those feelings rule your life.
  11. A cluttered room often leads to a cluttered mind. De-clutter your room, de-clutter your mind.
  12. Don’t be afraid to spring for a housekeeper every now and then. It’s a good gift to give yourself, better than Dominos even.
  13. Don’t freak out if you eat poorly, just work out harder the next day.
  14. Work out, because it frees tension.
  15. Instead of being afraid of the unknown, be excited by it.
  16. Try not to get overwhelmed. If you figure out how to do this, let me know how.
  17. Keep a childhood toy in your room. It will make you smile.
  18. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.
  19. Pet a dog.
  20. You can always read more.

Add your own nutshells!

In A Nutshell Part 3.

Image via Film-Grab.

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Jun

30

2014

My Writing Process

writing

The Gaggle asked me to participate in this blog roll about my writing process. And I said yes. So here are some questions about writing, along with my answers. I want you guys to answer them, too!

Some background: I’ve been blogging on my blog, Apocalypstick, since 2009. I also write for HelloGiggles, The Gaggle (obviously), Thought Catalog, XoJane, and We Love Dates. My work has also appeared on The FriskyThis Recording, and in Genlux magazine. I’ve been published in Indie Chick magazine and in the books The Jewish Daughter Diaries and my own book, I Forgot To Be Famous. I tend to write about dating/relationships, living in Los Angeles, and pop culture.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the questions, shall we?

 1. What am I working on? 

In addition to my regular columns and articles for HelloGiggles, The Gaggle, Thought Catalog, etc, I just started writing regularly for We Love Dates and No Strings Dating blogs. But I’m also working on a pilot. It’s like Girls but set in Los Angeles. (Someone had to do it, right?) It’s a little zanier than Girls and there’s also more dudes. It’s in its very early stages and I’m almost paranoid even talking about it, but I feel I gotta put good vibes out there, right?

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Man, I’m just hoping it does. I guess it’s different because of its (I’ve been told) “ballsy” approach. I’m very honest in my writing. I hold nothing back, for better or for worse. Also, it’s hard for me to go one blog post without dropping a Simpsons reference. So there’s that.

3. Why do I write what I do?

Everyone says “write what you know.” I do that and believe that, but I also believe in “write what you love.” I love Los Angeles and stories of dates gone awry. I love obscure pop culture references. I love 1960′s dieting and beauty tips. So really, I take all of that and churn it out into what I hope is honest and fearless writing. I’m a very anxious person but I think in writing, it works to my advantage; it seems like the more anxieties I have, the stronger the writing.

4. How does my writing process work?

It often involves a lot of false starts. I’ll think I’ll have something only to scrap it. Or I’ll have an idea and then take my sweet time actually getting on it. Once I have the idea though and feel confident about it, I just attack it. I don’t outline or anything. Sometimes I’ll have some notes to work on, but generally, I dive in headfirst, hoping the proverbial water is deep enough and I don’t hit my head on the bottom like a jackass. With my pilot, I had some lines in mind and some characters, so I just started writing, and thankfully, it all came out. That’s generally how I write. I just attack the damn thing, like it’s one big cookie and I’m the Cookie Monster.

5. And the other part of this question, how does my writing process not work?

I don’t know how to answer this, because if it doesn’t work, I make it work. I guess though, my biggest problems with writing are in structure. I have great lines and great flow, but sometimes my structure, especially for TV writing, is a little off. I guess that’s because of my “screw it, we’ll do it live” approach to writing. But really, if something isn’t working, I’ll ask my writer friends or editors to take a look at it and give me their thoughts. I don’t give up. I know it’s gonna happen. Dental plan! (There’s that damn Simpsons reference.)

Now I want my friend Simone of Skinny Dip to answer these questions on her blog! I absolutely adore her writing. This post on “Blurred Lines” is one of my favorite posts from her.

How do you guys write? Let’s talk about writing!

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Posted in: writing

Jun

25

2014

In A Nutshell Part 3

nutshell

In a nutshell…

  1. If you’re really upset, try eating something. Maybe you’re just hungry.
  2. “Don’t leave your sweater on a chair at starbucks.” — My friend Katie.
  3. When you’re nervous about something, project the successful, stress-free end result in your mind. Visualization can be powerful.
  4. Cook more often.
  5. Instead of being jealous of your friends, try being happy for them instead.
  6. Having jealousy is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else.
  7. Remember: Facebook is not real life. It’s a projection of life.
  8. Let your friends know you care about them, even if it’s just via a silly text.
  9. When it comes to your emotions, you’re the one in charge here. Decide how you want to feel.
  10. Do little favors for people. You may need a little favor one day.
  11. Let yourself be surprised by the world.
  12. Don’t be upset if other people don’t notice your weight loss. As long as you notice it, that’s what counts.
  13. And don’t get discouraged if you’re not losing weight as fast as you’d hoped. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll see a change.
  14. You can find a solution, or you can find an excuse. An excuse is easier; a solution is rewarding.
  15. Buy a new perfume (or cologne) just for the hell of it.
  16. Find little adventures to go on during the week. Maybe it’s just switching up your supermarket. Who cares, it’s new to you — boom, instant adventure.
  17. Don’t ask for help unless you really need it. Someone who asks for help all the time isn’t fun to be around.
  18. But if you really need it, definitely ask.
  19. Stop biting your nails. It’s time.
  20. Let someone else worry for you.

In a nutshell part 2.

Photo of Bill and Hillary on their wedding day via Daily Mail.

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Posted in: i guess this is advice, In A Nutshell, let's just talk from our hearts

Jun

20

2014

Summer Goals

summer goals

So, you wanna have the greatest summer ever? Why not set some summer goals? You know, little (or big) things (or thing) you want to accomplish over the summer. It will make your summer that much more rewarding, like a Hufflepuff getting house points!

My summer goal was to be a circus bear. Then I was told that is impossible, so I have revised my summer goal. My new summer goal is to be able to fit back into my “Betty Draper dress”, as seen here, a few years ago:

summer

SOON.

In 2005, my friend Kelly and I made summer goals. Her goal was to eat an entire pizza. Mine was to make out with the lead singer of Louis XIV. Remember them? They had that big song, “Finding Out True Love Is Blind.” The lead singer sounded like Mick Jagger, but didn’t look like him, so I assumed it would be an easy summer goal. Guess who completed their summer goal???? It was Kelly, obviously. The good thing about Kelly is she knew not to fly too close to the sun.

That’s important to keep in mind when making your summer goal. You want your goal to be attainable, otherwise, you’re going to be a very sad non-circus bear. Think about which category you want your goal to sit in: health, career, love, or personal growth. Maybe your summer goal is to read a new book every week. Maybe it’s to gather the courage to wear a bathing suit in public. Maybe it’s to tell your boss to go fuck himself. Hey, I don’t know, and I’m not going to judge. I want to help you reach your summer goal!

Every day do something that helps you get to your goal. If, like me, your goal is to fit into something you can’t wear anymore because YOU LACK DISCIPLINE, YOU STODGY JERK, then work out every day. If the goal is to tell the boss to fuck himself, then every day write down 5 creative ways to tell your boss to fuck himself. It’s actually very easy when you break it down!

What’s YOUR summer goal? Tell me in the comments, and I’ll try to help you achieve it!

XOXO,

EVERYONE AT APOCALYPSTICK! (Me.)

Photo: Gordon Parks via LIFE Photo Archive for Google.

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Posted in: HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!, i guess this is advice, no i'm not drunk

Jun

18

2014

In A Nutshell Part 2

nutshell

In a nutshell…

  1. We’re put on this Earth to see what happens tomorrow, because you never know.
  2. It is never too late to quit a bad habit.
  3. One email can change your life.
  4. If you believe in your work, other people will, too.
  5. To quote Journey, “Don’t stop believin’”.
  6. Eating healthy is not as difficult as it seems. Buy some frozen fish fillets in a bag and get some couscous and you’re golden.
  7. Season 5 of The Simpsons is a natural treasure.
  8. If you’re feeling sad or down, watch The Simpsons. The old, good ones. It’s impossible to feel sad while watching The Simpsons. Unless it’s a sad episode (“DO IT FOR HER” omg.)
  9. The guy who doesn’t text you back is exactly the guy who isn’t worth it.
  10. People who sincerely like and want to help you are the best kinds of people. Don’t screw it up.
  11. “Don’t NOT do something just because you are embarrassed.” — my friend Katie. She’s right. Don’t miss out on opportunities because you’re worried about embarrassing yourself. Just dive in.
  12. Respond to those emails.
  13. Never underestimate what an iced coffee can do for you. It could change your whole day.
  14. Take a walk. Clear your mind. Feel good.
  15. Don’t rush things.
  16. Hang out with your cousins.
  17. Stop resisting. Unless you’re in a knife fight.
  18. Don’t take Twitter too seriously.
  19. The $6 bottle of Chardonnay is fine.
  20. Be happy for your friends and they’ll be happy for you. Don’t breed jealousy.

In A Nutshell Part 1.

Photo by Joseph Szabo.

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Posted in: In A Nutshell

How young is too young?

I got this question sent to me, so I thought I’d answer it here, and ask for your opinions.

I have a dating-website related question that I suspect many people are wondering about. I recently turned 27, and now I sort of feel creepy having 18 as the lower end of my age limit. I started getting into online dating when I was 25, and it seemed reasonable at the time to just leave it as the default. Now I’m wondering how one goes about deciding what your lower limit is, because let’s be honest here, if JFK was 18 and online looking for a match, you’d be wishing your lower limit was 18. (If it’s not right now.) — Brian.

I get what you’re saying, but 18 is still waaaay too low for me, buddy. As much as I love JFK, I wouldn’t want to fool around with an 18-year-old JFK. (For JFK I’ll go as low as 21, but to be clear, that’s only because it’s JFK.) It’s all about personal preference, though I would have you ask yourself, what do you really have in common, as a 27-year-old man with an 18-year-old girl? Not a lot. She can’t even legally order drinks on your date (in America)! And we all know I love the dranks, so that’s important to me. It’s not just the booze factor, it’s an indicator of how big the gap is. Just something to keep in mind.

Personally, I keep my age range at least  year older than my younger brother (we’re both in our 20′s). I made the mistake once of dating someone 3 years younger, and those 3 years when you’re in your 20′s are bigger than you’d think. It’s kind of awkward when you’re on a date and only one of you can legally drink. I know, I know, I keep going back to drinking, and again, it’s not about the drinking, it’s about what it stands for.

Now I’ve got “Young Girl” stuck in my head.

What do you guys think? How young is too young? What’s your dating age range limit?

 

Got a question? Send me an email and I’ll post it on my blog. Indicate if you want to use your name, a fake name, or go anon. I’m here to help!

Photo: School girls, 1956. By Nina Leen via LIFE photo archives for Google.

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Posted in: apocalypstick answers