summer fling

I’ve never had a summer fling. Those kids from Grease make it sound like such fun! If I had a summer fling, I imagine his name would be Jacques and his hair would be as dark as a David Lynch film. We’d meet in a hilarious and adorable way, like perhaps he accidentally took my drink at Starbucks, and I would tease him for thinking my name was anything like his, and he’d have a fiery French temper but an English wit, and he’d say something like, “I deeply apologize for the horror I caused; let me make it up to you.”

And he’d make it up to me by picking me up at my hotel (yes, I’m suddenly on vacation, it’s summer, where else would I be) on his Vespa, and I’d be very nervous at the prospect of riding on a Vespa, and he would say, “Shhh, I steer her well.” And I’d trust him, because that’s what you do when you’re on vacation in a fantasyland. You trust the guy with the Vespa.

I’d cling to him as we’d zip throughout the city, all the way out to the beach, where he’d procure wine and cheese from his Vespa. Oh, and there’s a blanket, somehow. Somehow he fit a blanket, because he’s magical Jacques. We’d sit on the blanket and drink wine and he wouldn’t ask me even once, “So what do you do for a living” because he knows such questions are mundane and boring and make me fret about my future. We’d exchange rapid-fire banter like we were in a Nora Ephron film, or hell, an episode of Gilmore Girls. It would be the exact mental stimulation I’d need. He’d keep me on my pedicured toes and then we’d dive in to the water, together, and I wouldn’t feel self conscious about my “bikini body” because he’s already make it clear that he thinks I am the most beautiful woman on Earth. I’d point out that Charlize Theron is also on planet Earth, and he’d say, “Shhhh” and then blow confetti out of his palm.

Because whimsy.

After the beach he’d drop me off at my hotel, always the gentleman, so that I could change for dinner. We’d go somewhere where men are required to wear a jacket and tie — that’s how you know this is a fantasy, as such places don’t exist anymore. But we’d find it and we’d go there, and I would eat and eat and drink and drink and dinner would feel like our own little Disneyland; a place where we can have fun and be indulgent and no one can judge us. He would insist on ordering one dessert with two forks, and the most magical thing about this meal is that at no point during the meal do we ever check our phones, not even once.

I suppose we’d make love that night, and I say “make love” because that’s what he would say, and the best part is, it wouldn’t sound cheesy or creepy or weird. He’d have that uncanny ability to utter the phrase, “shall we make love” and have it sound as though it were a brilliant and novel idea.

And we’d repeat this every day, sometimes changing it up and going to wine tastings, sometimes just spending the whole day in bed, sometimes just wandering around whatever made up city we’re in, and I would never have to plan anything and he’d insist on paying for almost everything, because he’s old school. He’s so old school he’d drape his jacket over a puddle and insist I walk upon it, and I wouldn’t at first, but he’d beg, and I’d say, “C’est la vie” and he’d roll his eyes and call me a “typical American” and we’d bicker but there’s so much passion there that we’d probably wind up eloping by the end of my vacation and we’d realize it was a very very bad mistake but neither of us would want to admit it, so we’d stayed married for 10 years while he had numerous affairs and I pretended not to notice.

Ah, don’t you just love summer flings?!

 

Originally posted on The Gaggle, by me. Photo by Gordon Parks via LIFE photo archives for Google.

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Posted in: dating, HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!, i don't even know, let's just talk from our hearts

Time for another RELATIONSHIP VIDEO!

IMG_1341

L to R: Me, Kaity, Jordan. Don’t I look just precious??

My roommate, actress Jordan Hinson, and our fabulous friend Kaity, are doing a relationship advice video. I’ve done them before, here, with Max Landis. Now I’m relying on my gal pals to help me out.

Got a question about relationships? Dating? Sex? We’re here to help. There are three ways to send us your question:

  1. Tweet me @apocalypstick.
  2. Send it to me at my formspring.
  3. Comment here.

We will do our best to answer. We will probably be drunk, so get ready for some realness.

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Posted in: apocalypstick answers, let's just talk from our hearts, relationships

almie rose book cover i forgot to be famous

So I wrote an eBook, published by Thought Catalog titled, I Forgot To Be Famous. And I thought I’d provide some reasons as to why you should buy my book now. Hear me (read me?) out.

1. It’s cheap.

If you hate it, it will be the cheapest mistake you’ve made in your life. It’s only $5.99 on Amazon, Kobo, and iBooks$5.49 on Barnes and Noble, and only $4.61 on Google Play. That’s cheaper than a martini.

2. It’s short.

I’ve vomited longer than it takes to read this book. You can read it while lounging by the pool, or while you’re sitting in a waiting room. It’s an estimated 53 pages. You can totally knock this off and then brag to people that you read an entire book in an hour. You’re welcome.

3. It’s got good reviews.

It’s got 4.5 stars out of 5 on Amazon, and I swear, not one of those reviews is me pretending to be someone else. You can tell because none of the reviews say “What a rollicking good yarn! — Marge Simpson.” It was also an Item of the Day on HelloGiggles, and a Frisky book recommendation.

4. You’ll feel better about yourself.

The book is a series of essays, most of which are about how I embarrass myself (like the time I got hammered and went up to the actor I had a crush on and told him he had a big head) or get heartbroken (like the time my ex left me for his now A-list actress ex who wound up not taking him back). You’ll read this and think, “Wow! At least I didn’t do THAT.” And somewhere in the world I’ll nod and stroke my chin thoughtfully.

5. It can be your good deed of the day/week/month/year.

Yes, I’m saying if you want good karma, buy my book. Support a struggling writer. Make her mom happy. Be young and free.

6. I can stop acting like this:

Nobody wants this.

7. You don’t have to put on pants to buy it.

You can download this puppy right here, right now, and not even have to put on pants. It will download instantly. Think of all that time you saved not having to put on pants and all that joy you gained not having to interact with real people.

8. You don’t need Kindle to read it.

You can read it on any tablet device or even on your phone or computer with this handy free Kindle app download. I promise. Up until recently, I didn’t even have a Kindle. Now I do and I use it mostly to play Words With Friends. And by “play Words With Friends” I mean “getting beaten, badly, by everyone, at Words With Friends.”

9. It’s a great way to waste time at work.

Don’t you just love wasting time at work? Why not waste it in a more creative, original way, by swapping Reddit or Buzzfeed for my book? If your boss catches you, just tell them, “I’m doing research for our next project.” That line will work for anything.

10. You can find out what When Harry Met Sally… would look like in 2013, or what Mad Men would look like in the 1990′s.

The book contains the essays “When Harry Met Sally… In 2013″ and “Mad Men in the 1990′s”. I tried to capture the tone of the movie and the show, respectively, and I think I did a good job. Plus, you have Don Draper talking about The Mighty Ducks. How could you lose?

Convinced? Click here.

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Ryan Gosling

What is the big deal about Ryan Gosling? I don’t get it, and I never have.

The Internet (and “real life”) is freaking out because he’s having a baby with actress Eva Mendes. Um, did anyone think they had a chance with Ryan Gosling? Like his having a baby was the ultimate personal shutdown to you, Ryan Gosling fan. Sorry, but him having a baby doesn’t affect you in any way. You didn’t have a chance before, and you won’t have a chance ever. Sorry. He’s not even the guy you probably think he is. He’s just an actor. You don’t even know him. Let him live his life.

Anyway, here’s what I don’t get about Ryan Gosling.

The Notebook Sucks.

Yeah, I said it. I said it and I regret nothing about saying it. That movie was a pandering piece of baloney. (When I get real feisty about a topic, instead of cursing, I turn into a 1930′s newspaper reporter. Baloney, I tells ya!) Ryan Gosling played an insane stalker. That scene when he tries to woo Rachel McAdams’s character by HANGING OFF A FERRIS WHEEL was absolutely ridiculous. That man was a fucking maniac, hanging off a goddamn ferris wheel like a fool. (Okay, I lied, the cursing is coming back.) He manipulated her into being with him, and then continued the manipulation with all of his stupid letters and saying shit like, “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” Which is supposed to be a really romantic line, but sounds like some creep trying to possess a woman, like I could hear someone following me down a dark street cackling, “IF YOU’RE A BIRD, I’M A BIRD, MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. FLY FOR ME!!” Sorry, but I didn’t find that movie romantic, I found it bizarre. His character had some serious mental problems and didn’t understand the meaning of the word “no”. How is that romantic?

He looks like a farmer.

Ryan Gosling

“Time to plow the fields soon.”

Everyone says he’s so handsome, but I look at Ryan Gosling and I see a farmer, and I can’t really explain this. No offense to farmers, but I guess what I’m trying to say is he looks like a totally ordinary man to me. Like some dude who wandered into Hollywood from Iowa. No offense to people from Iowa. I’m just saying, he’s no big deal. But this is coming from someone who finds David Bowie to be the ultimate sex boat, so my tastes are decidedly different from most of America I guess. NO, I’m not saying I should get a medal for this, but if you want to send me one my address is:

1234 Fuck Ryan Gosling Way
Los Angeles, CA 90000

The memes stopped being funny ages ago.

The whole “Hey Girl” Ryan Gosling meme has been turned into a book, a coloring book, coffee mugs, Twitter/Instagram accounts, and T-shirts, and I’m sick of it. It wasn’t even that funny to begin with. What’s so funny about the idea of a man being sensitive and kind? “A man likes Pinterest? Hilarious!” No.

Anyway, I’m sorry if this comes off as very harsh, it’s just something that’s been building up inside of me for a long time. I will never understand the Ryan Gosling mania. People act like he’s the goddamn Beatles. He’s just a dude with a great job. But if you wanna continue to act like he’s sexy Jesus, go ahead, it’s your life. Just explain to me what the big deal is, because, like a cat trying to pin down his shadow, I’m not getting it.

The following men are more crushworthy than Ryan Gosling:

– Gregory Peck
– Paul McCartney
– Jarvis Cocker
– David Bowie
– Gaspard Ulliel

I mean, you can totally have a crush on all of these men and Ryan Gosling; that’s like saying just because you like Britney Spears means you can’t listen to indie rock. Not true. I’m just saying, in conclusion, I am terribly uncool and out of touch with my generation regarding this particular actor and his fandom, and I’m okay with that.

And seriously, fuck The Notebook.

Images via Zimbio.

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Posted in: celebrities, no i'm not drunk

nutshell

 In a nutshell…

  1. Disappointments are a part of life. Don’t let them stop you. Let them better you.
  2. Sometimes it’s only good on paper.
  3. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do what you want to do or to be who you want to be.
  4. Be fearless. If you can’t, think of your most fearless friend, and be her.
  5. “When I’m sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True Story.”  – Barney Stinson.
  6. Think of how you can be awesome. Use that.
  7. Always choose awesome above anything else.
  8. If you’re not sure what to say, don’t say anything.
  9. You’d be surprised by who in life can, and will, help you. All you have to do is ask, kindly.
  10. It’s okay to have feelings. It’s not okay to let those feelings rule your life.
  11. A cluttered room often leads to a cluttered mind. De-clutter your room, de-clutter your mind.
  12. Don’t be afraid to spring for a housekeeper every now and then. It’s a good gift to give yourself, better than Dominos even.
  13. Don’t freak out if you eat poorly, just work out harder the next day.
  14. Work out, because it frees tension.
  15. Instead of being afraid of the unknown, be excited by it.
  16. Try not to get overwhelmed. If you figure out how to do this, let me know how.
  17. Keep a childhood toy in your room. It will make you smile.
  18. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.
  19. Pet a dog.
  20. You can always read more.

Add your own nutshells!

In A Nutshell Part 3.

Image via Film-Grab.

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Posted in: In A Nutshell

Jun

30

2014

My Writing Process

writing

The Gaggle asked me to participate in this blog roll about my writing process. And I said yes. So here are some questions about writing, along with my answers. I want you guys to answer them, too!

Some background: I’ve been blogging on my blog, Apocalypstick, since 2009. I also write for HelloGiggles, The Gaggle (obviously), Thought Catalog, XoJane, and We Love Dates. My work has also appeared on The FriskyThis Recording, and in Genlux magazine. I’ve been published in Indie Chick magazine and in the books The Jewish Daughter Diaries and my own book, I Forgot To Be Famous. I tend to write about dating/relationships, living in Los Angeles, and pop culture.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the questions, shall we?

 1. What am I working on? 

In addition to my regular columns and articles for HelloGiggles, The Gaggle, Thought Catalog, etc, I just started writing regularly for We Love Dates and No Strings Dating blogs. But I’m also working on a pilot. It’s like Girls but set in Los Angeles. (Someone had to do it, right?) It’s a little zanier than Girls and there’s also more dudes. It’s in its very early stages and I’m almost paranoid even talking about it, but I feel I gotta put good vibes out there, right?

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Man, I’m just hoping it does. I guess it’s different because of its (I’ve been told) “ballsy” approach. I’m very honest in my writing. I hold nothing back, for better or for worse. Also, it’s hard for me to go one blog post without dropping a Simpsons reference. So there’s that.

3. Why do I write what I do?

Everyone says “write what you know.” I do that and believe that, but I also believe in “write what you love.” I love Los Angeles and stories of dates gone awry. I love obscure pop culture references. I love 1960′s dieting and beauty tips. So really, I take all of that and churn it out into what I hope is honest and fearless writing. I’m a very anxious person but I think in writing, it works to my advantage; it seems like the more anxieties I have, the stronger the writing.

4. How does my writing process work?

It often involves a lot of false starts. I’ll think I’ll have something only to scrap it. Or I’ll have an idea and then take my sweet time actually getting on it. Once I have the idea though and feel confident about it, I just attack it. I don’t outline or anything. Sometimes I’ll have some notes to work on, but generally, I dive in headfirst, hoping the proverbial water is deep enough and I don’t hit my head on the bottom like a jackass. With my pilot, I had some lines in mind and some characters, so I just started writing, and thankfully, it all came out. That’s generally how I write. I just attack the damn thing, like it’s one big cookie and I’m the Cookie Monster.

5. And the other part of this question, how does my writing process not work?

I don’t know how to answer this, because if it doesn’t work, I make it work. I guess though, my biggest problems with writing are in structure. I have great lines and great flow, but sometimes my structure, especially for TV writing, is a little off. I guess that’s because of my “screw it, we’ll do it live” approach to writing. But really, if something isn’t working, I’ll ask my writer friends or editors to take a look at it and give me their thoughts. I don’t give up. I know it’s gonna happen. Dental plan! (There’s that damn Simpsons reference.)

Now I want my friend Simone of Skinny Dip to answer these questions on her blog! I absolutely adore her writing. This post on “Blurred Lines” is one of my favorite posts from her.

How do you guys write? Let’s talk about writing!

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Posted in: writing

Jun

25

2014

In A Nutshell Part 3

nutshell

In a nutshell…

  1. If you’re really upset, try eating something. Maybe you’re just hungry.
  2. “Don’t leave your sweater on a chair at starbucks.” — My friend Katie.
  3. When you’re nervous about something, project the successful, stress-free end result in your mind. Visualization can be powerful.
  4. Cook more often.
  5. Instead of being jealous of your friends, try being happy for them instead.
  6. Having jealousy is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else.
  7. Remember: Facebook is not real life. It’s a projection of life.
  8. Let your friends know you care about them, even if it’s just via a silly text.
  9. When it comes to your emotions, you’re the one in charge here. Decide how you want to feel.
  10. Do little favors for people. You may need a little favor one day.
  11. Let yourself be surprised by the world.
  12. Don’t be upset if other people don’t notice your weight loss. As long as you notice it, that’s what counts.
  13. And don’t get discouraged if you’re not losing weight as fast as you’d hoped. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll see a change.
  14. You can find a solution, or you can find an excuse. An excuse is easier; a solution is rewarding.
  15. Buy a new perfume (or cologne) just for the hell of it.
  16. Find little adventures to go on during the week. Maybe it’s just switching up your supermarket. Who cares, it’s new to you — boom, instant adventure.
  17. Don’t ask for help unless you really need it. Someone who asks for help all the time isn’t fun to be around.
  18. But if you really need it, definitely ask.
  19. Stop biting your nails. It’s time.
  20. Let someone else worry for you.

In a nutshell part 2.

Photo of Bill and Hillary on their wedding day via Daily Mail.

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Posted in: i guess this is advice, In A Nutshell, let's just talk from our hearts