Photo by David Pullum London wedding photographer
I have a feeling that what I am going to say is going to piss a few people off, so I may as well not mince words and just be blunt: if you do not give everyone invited to your wedding a plus one, you are a total fucking asshole.
Whoa, right! “How dare you, Apocalypstick, or whatever the fuck your name is! Fuck you! Do you have any idea how expensive weddings are?”
I do. I read wedding blogs like it’s my job, and it’s not my job, so it’s actually a little sad. A lot of people, rightfully appalled by how much weddings cost, especially in this economy, are doing a lot of DIY. If you don’t want to do that, then maybe try not buying a thousand dollar wedding dress. Seriously, what the fuck is that? By all means, I love fashion and expensive things, so if you want to spend your own money on that, that’s fine, but don’t get all surprised when you realize your wedding bill is adding up faster than the Sesame Street Count.
A wedding reception is a party. A wedding ceremony is something else, and if you want to keep that guest list limited, then I understand. But let’s not kid ourselves, your wedding reception is a big party for everyone to celebrate you and your husband/wife/partner. That’s totally cool, but how can you tell me I can’t bring a date? Because you’re paying for dinner? When I throw parties, I provide alcohol and food too, and if someone wants to bring a date I’m like, go for it, because that’s what you do when you want your friends to celebrate with you. If you don’t think more is merrier, then keep your reception to family only and your best friend.
Because here’s the thing: by not letting me bring someone, you are punishing me for being single. You may not see it that way. You may see it as trying to save money. I see it as you being a jerk. I’m not even going to talk to you much at your wedding anyway, and I may not know anyone there, and I don’t want to stand or sit awkwardly all by myself all night and think about how I’m alone. “That’s your problem,” you say. No, it’s yours too, because if you’re inviting me, it means I’m your friend and that you want me to be there. I’m showing up, I’m getting you a gift, and I’m happy about it, but it really bums me out when you tell me I have to come alone.
And you know what’s even worse than weddings that don’t let you bring a plus one? Weddings that dictate you can only bring a date if you’ve been together for ____ amount of years. Fuck. You. Is my relationship any less valid than anyone else’s because we haven’t been together for over a year? What are you, the social life police? Get the fuck over yourself. I don’t question your relationship based on how long you’ve been with your fiance, so cut it out with the draconian relationship rules.
“But why should I have strangers at my wedding?” you ask. So don’t. Keep it family only. But guess what, you’re not even going to spend much time with the people you know. It’s your wedding and you’re going to be mobbed. And it’s not like I’m going to bring Charlie Sheen. My date is not going to ruin your wedding because they’re a stranger. What are you, twelve? Is this a super special slumber party? If I’m bringing a date, they’re coming because they want to be there too. Their name is on our card to you. I’m not going to drag some knife-wielding asshole.
Let me get all of the obvious comments out of the way: “Bitter much?”, “I see why you’re single”, “You probably don’t get invited to many weddings” [I don’t, thank God, because my friends aren’t getting married yet], “I’d like to see you plan your wedding.”
Now let’s have some real conversation.
A-fucking-men. I was A BRIDESMAID in a wedding two years ago and wasn’t allowed to bring my boyfriend of a year that I was moving in with because “it wasn’t serious enough.” UM WHAT? So not only did I have to wear an ugly, expensive dress, I also had to sit alone and didn’t have anyone to dance with or say inappropriate things to as I got more drunk off the open bar. Serious bull shit.
That is cold.
But at least there was an open bar, don’t even get me started on people who have a cash bar.
PEOPLE SERIOUSLY DO THAT?!
Yup. Their reasoning is, “alcohol is expensive.” Yes, it can be. But it’s a party. You’re going to ask me to spend money at YOUR party? As if. Excuse me, I left my Cranberries CD in the quad.
-I thought it reeked.
-No, I believe that was your designer/impostor perfume (and cash bar).
OH MY BAD this wasn’t referring to the open bar thing. LOLCANTREADITNERNET
I’m in the same situations, except my boyfriend is the invited one and I’m just the gf of two years– that in my opinion, they should want to meet! Why the hell should I invite the bride and groom to MY wedding- just because they’re married- when they obviously don’t want me at theirs?
I’m so fucking over this idea that the wedding is about the bride and therefore anything she wants is sacred. I don’t care if it’s your wedding, a selfish douche is as a selfish douche does. You’re already getting married, you’re already getting gifts, everyone’s admiring how pretty you are and they showed up for you, and you won’t even talk to them for more than ten seconds, so yes, I agree, this totalitarian bullshit is rightfully annoying and offensive because it’s rude to the fucking guests who are putting time and money into showing up and looking nice and buying that gift just because you’re already having the best day ever. I kind of don’t care if that was a run-on sentence.
Challah!
HAH I GET IT
“Weddings that dictate you can only bring a date if you’ve been together for ____ amount of years.”
People do that??? Damn. The tackiest wedding trend I’ve seen lately: “We’re not registered anywhere except PayPal.”
Yup, people do that at pretty much every wedding I’ve heard of.
the first part, I’ve never heard of the paypal part.
OMG I HAD NEVER HEARD OF THIS EITHER! Does it literally have ___ years on the RSVP card? That is appallingly tacky. I completely agree, if you can’t afford to do it right, don’t do it at all. Have your wedding in a park instead of the Ritz. Or do the DIY thing. Or maybe don’t invite 100 guests. Honestly, most of your relatives are more likely to be strangers or crazy than your friends’ dates.
No, it’s not like that, the couple for themselves decides if they want to include “you and a guest” when they send their invites and they do that based on “well if mary and james have been in a relationship for a year that’s ok” or “todd and lauren just moved in together” etc.
We worked our butts off making sure that we kept our whole wedding under $4k AND to make sure that everyone had an awesome time. I gave everyone and anyone a plus one and it was the funnest party ever. We had about 150 people there, too. I totally agree – if you’re going to be stingy and omg judge the seriousness of someone else’s relationship, it won’t be that fun of a party anyway.
Awesome!! Good for you, seriously.
Every wedding I’ve ever been to that didn’t take place in front of Elvis has been some of the worst times of my life (in terms of enjoyment). I’ve been denied dates, cut off within the first five minutes at a CASH BAR, and lost lifetime friendships because apparently throwing a wedding, no matter the size, turns people into dickbags.
It’s seriously like they treat the wedding like it’s a fucking bank heist, and if even the tiniest thing goes wrong or doesn’t go to plan, they will NEVER be able to make it out of there with all the presents that they managed to Ocean’s 11 away from their guests. You’d think that asking if you can bring a date was like “Hey, I know this guy he’s really handy with a blow torch, can I bring him along on the job?” while your friends/crime bosses size up the situation as to whether or not they can trust this new person and whether or not they are going to fuck everything up, and will they want a cut of everything when all is said and done? Meanwhile, in your normal, rational, human brain you’re really just saying “Hey, can I bring a date?” (or possibly also “Hey, I’m dating this dude and I want to force him to dress up and tell me how pretty I look in a dress. Hook a bitch up?” ).
Meanwhile, all the Elvis weddings I’ve attended have been fucking awesome and everyone has gotten loaded and a good time was had by all because they treated like it should be treated: A party to celebrate two people’s love for eachother.
In conclusion, Elvis = Less dickbags.
AHAHAHA LOVE the Ocean’s 11 analogy!
It’s so true though! You’d think that a lifetime of prison were at stake!
Also, how fucking weird is it that I sent you that email about that thing on the same day that this was your topic of discussion? Or did I accidentally inspire you?
I completely agree with you! I’m the type of girl that has been planning her wedding since about age 12 and will probably be a total bridezilla, but I would never dream of telling anyone they couldn’t bring a date just so I could a certain centerpiece. As long as they RSVP with a plus one, they can bring anyone they want.
🙂
Uh… yeeaaaah. Actually I’ve never heard of that happening before but I’ve been chronically attached forever (not gloating, just saying) so I don’t really know what’s normal. But I think that’s totally messed up, to have to go alone and possibly not know anyone. I WILL say that it was a little weird meeting strangers at my wedding, but whatever, right? Strangers all dressed up to congratulate me, so, it was cool.
The most annoying wedding thing I’ve ever heard of/witnessed is the “No boxed gifts” thing. It means “give me money” and it’s so tacky. Not sure how common this is outside of the Indian/asian scene, but yuck, seriously. I sort of don’t even want to go when I see this. And once when we had to go because it was family and a BFD, we just gave money to charity “in their names” and then gave them the certificate showing it. Take that.
“But I think that’s totally messed up, to have to go alone and possibly not know anyone. I WILL say that it was a little weird meeting strangers at my wedding, but whatever, right? Strangers all dressed up to congratulate me, so, it was cool.”
Exactly!
I haven’t heard of the “no boxed gifts” thing.
I’m helping my bff plan her wedding right now (they’re not officially engaged yet, but she works 40+ hours a week, so when he actually proposes she wants to have as much of it done as she possibly can), and so far the only worrisome thing she’s said is that she is ambivalent on the subject of an open bar. Hopefully I will be able to talk her into that.
(‘m having a fucking blast helping her, though, because even though I am chronically single, I too read wedding blogs like it’s my job. What are your favorites? The amount of time I have spent reading the weddingplans community on livejournal is downright embarassing.)
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT WEDDING PLANS COMMUNITY ON LIVEJOURNAL IS, NONE AT ALL, I HAVE NEVER GONE THERE I NEVER GO THERE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT
oh other favorites include
http://offbeatbride.com/
http://www.stylemepretty.com/
http://greenweddingshoes.com/
http://www.jaggerphotographyblog.com/category/wedding/
http://www.100layercake.com/blog/
NOW SHARE YOURS. Please.
Offbeat Bride is awesome! Their intern Becca just married one of my oldest friends last year! You can see their wedding on the site! It’s all blue and red and crazy!
And I completely understand what Sophia is saying about planning ahead despite not even being engaged. I’m a straight male and I still find myself doing this (partly because it helps occupy my OCD of making lists), because what better way to help avoid a Bridezilla than to actually fucking participate and plan as many details as possible ahead of time so when the time comes you’re not like one of those idiots on “Say Yes To The Dress” who just shows the sales people a huge wad of money and has no clue what they want and insist that they will just know it when they see it. In this modern digital age, there is no reason that anyone should overspend for anything, including weddings. If you do, you’re just fucking lazy.
In fact, I’m usually most annoyed when any sort of vendor DOESN’T have some sort of online pricing or instant quotes for their services and they require me to either email them for a quote or, God forbid, actually CALL them. Bleh.
Anyway, I think if more people actually preplanned this stuff in a realistic way, there would be a lot less people stressing about having to feed a plus one at their wedding.
Whoa, small internet!
I used to love Say Yes To The Dress but at this point I am sick of seeing the same dresses over and over!
BUTTING IN BECAUSE THIS SIT MAKES ME WANT TO HAVE A WEEDING! SO! BAD!
http://www.designspongeonline.com/category/weddings
oh YES, am adding this to the list of wedding blogs that i totally don’t even read ever.
inviting someone to a wedding should be an automatic seive for weirdos. “you’re close enough to have at THE BIGGEST FUCKING DEAL OF MY LIFE, so whoever you come with will probably be okay”.
just tell yourself they just read your blog and are ascared you’ll bring Landis as your +1.
Bwuahahahahaa. The sad thing is I don’t even HAVE a plus one to bring to this imaginary wedding.
Not with that attitude, you don’t!
When I got married, we sent out rather ambiguous invites that didn’t specify if you could bring a plus one or not – some people interpreted that as bring someone, others didn’t. Some actually preferred to leave their spouse at home and were very well pleased that we didn’t specify that they could/should be brought. 😉 For those who asked, though, we told them that you can bring a plus one, but for goodness’ sake DO NOT BRING YOUR KIDS.
WTF is with people bringing their children?! To the daytime-ceremony? Maybe. But to the reception that lasts till the wee hours? Specifically when they are tiny toddlers?! THIS IS MADNESS!
Just cause they’re small, doesn’t mean they’re travel sized, specifically when they’re humans. I hate people who tote their children to functions that are clearly for adults only.
That’s what I’m saying.
Yes, the kids thing should be a given. Do not bring your kids unless the couple says on the invite, there is a bouncy castle so bring your kids. God.
What the shit, right? You’d think the bride would want as many people as possible around to stand in awe of her ON!HER!DAY!
Yeah what’s with the brides thinking it’s only their day? Is it not also a day for your groom/bride to be?
WHO THE HELL specifies that you can only bring someone if you’ve been together for ___ years?!? IS THAT REAL LIFE? WHAT? please tell me you’re not going to that wedding.
oh oh, in that case, i’ll bring my husband of 25 years who’s having an affair with my best friend. we’re both absolutely miserable and loathe each other so much that i’ve started poisoning his morning coffee, but just a drop each time so that the coroner won’t be able to detect it! tee-hee! i hope our vibe of deception, infidelity, and general gloom brings you and the groom YEARS of good luck.
Yes to all of this.
Exactly. “Well our friend Gertrude has been in a long term relationship so of course she’s invited but Muriel has only been seeing her ‘boyfriend’ for about two weeks, so that’s not a real thing at all. Never mind that Gertrude is absolutely miserable in her relationship and she and her boyfriend fight all the time, IT’S THE YEARS THAT COUNT.”
This is so, so true. I was recently a bridesmaid and my friend thought that if she invited a person’s family, she didn’t need to give him/her a plus-one. Um, in what universe are PARENTS an acceptable replacement to a date? That is not fun. So, she invited my brother (with whom she’s friends) and my parents, but my brother “wasn’t allowed” to bring his girlfriend, because she hadn’t met her and they’d only been together three months. But she gave invitees a plus-one if they “didn’t know anybody else there.” She ultimately felt bad and caved, and everyone had an amazing time. SHOCKER!
While partying with your parents CAN be fun in some circumstances, everyone wants a freaking date to a wedding.
““wasn’t allowed” to bring his girlfriend, because she hadn’t met her and they’d only been together three months. ”
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. This is such bullshit. I don’t understand the reasoning behind this at all.
If I ever get a woman conscious enough after the ether has worn off from the rag to marry me, I’m only inviting single people to my wedding. That’s right. Singles club. It’ll be like Singles (mainly because that fits the theme of this comment), but with less Seattle grime and more Kyra Sedgewick. Unless she’s still with Kevin Bacon, then it’s a disinvite.
That way everyone can get drunk and hook up and have fun. Maybe I’ll have some foam too. Foam seems like it multiplies fun by about 500 percent. I’ve seen “Wild On”.
That’s awesome Rahul! My SO and I are inviting all our single friends to the fiesta. Secretly, we think that unless we have at least 4 hookups, we haven’t thrown a good party.
Singles only at a Wedding is a fuckin rad idea. NOW YOU GET TO SEE WHAT IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU CAN’T BRING SOMEONE. capital letters!
I love you for every single letter you typed that makes up this post. That is all.
Thank you!
I think I recently just woke up and somehow turned the magic age where everyone is getting married. You know what’s expensive? Going to a fucking wedding. Flying there from out of town and buying a gift and getting something appropriate to wear. EXPENSIVE. Why would I do that if I couldn’t bring someone?!
Whores. “What are you, the social life police?”
GOLD.
“Flying there from out of town and buying a gift and getting something appropriate to wear. EXPENSIVE. Why would I do that if I couldn’t bring someone?!”
Yes. And it’s not like it’s a this for that kind of thing, it’s more of a I care about you and want to be there, do you care about me being there and happy? thing. Or something.
I loled at the social life police too. It’s just so accurate for some people.
I just Tumblred this because I’m right there with you. I hate going to weddings alone. Like, if you don’t like me enough to want me to have someone to talk to during your wedding, don’t invite me.
Thank you!!
AGREE. If it was my wedding I wouldn’t want to have people there who were lonely/feeling totally awkward/not having fun AT ALL just for the sake of saving a few bucks. If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it…. or just elope.
I totally agree with you! I’m in the midst of planning my may wedding and it is very small but I would never tell one of my guests they couldnt have a plus one. The only downer to our wedding is that since the redeption is IN someones house and at 9p.m. we could not accommodate children. Only a couple of our friends have kids and were not planning to bring them anyway, but we did make it a point if someone asked to just let them know that as much as we love their kids (ok, in some cases that is a total lie), we just did not have the space or the means to provide for their children that night.
Thank you! I won’t even get into the children thing again. But yay for you!
“Weddings that dictate you can only bring a date if you’ve been together for ____ amount of years.”
That just FLOORED me. I’ve never seen that, but that’s APPALLING.
Cosign on the whole thing, and your writing is awesome.
Thank you! Hope you’ll stick around.
Actually, the last wedding I went to back in November, before the wedding invites got sent out my friends asked me if I was going to bring anyone. I told them I was not, so they took the option away from my invite in regards to a plus one. They were considerate at least with it, and who wouldn’t appreciate that? They did want to try and keep it fairly controlled, but had the decency to make sure I didn’t have somebody in mind to bring with me. I do think its stupid if you are going all out for a wedding with lots of guests, and you are not allowed to have somebody with you. Especially if you do not know 90% of the people even attending. Or, like my friends did a good 10 years ago was a great idea. They had their wedding in hawaii, it was just Bride and Groom with family and whatnot. Then 2 weeks later there was a HUGE reception for everyone else that wasnt present in Hawaii. Everyone wins, and nobody gets hurt. But we do not seem to exist in a time where people are that considerate. It’s all ”ME ME ME”.
“Then 2 weeks later there was a HUGE reception for everyone else that wasnt present in Hawaii. Everyone wins, and nobody gets hurt.”
That is a great idea!
My own relatives would do a great job in ruining a wedding. Never mind “strangers.”. If you ask me, weddings are a fucking joke, what with the divorce rate being 50%. Have a damned party when you’ve been able to put up with each other for at least five years!
That’s what I mean by having a Non Wedding Wedding. Why not have a damned party to celebrate your damned selves?
Nicole tweeted you blog post and I have to say THANK YOU for it! This is exactly how I felt when I went to my close friends wedding in September, I was all alone, single and bored out of my f’ing mind all night! It is bad enough to be single at a wedding but to not even be allowed to bring someone so I could at least know 1 other person besides the bride & groom. Who does this to their friends! And on top of it all it was a dry wedding…. so I couldn’t even drink to ease the loneliness :/
Holy shit, big fat sad face to all of that! You’re welcome. Yikes.
I know I am not the norm, but I really can’t stand weddings. I think they’re such a waste of money. Everything is so overpriced and families always end up arguing over the stupidest things instead of just letting the people getting married decide what they want to do. I’d much rather just elope and have a big, casual party a few months down the road.
It looks like from these comments you may not be as far from the norm as you think!
Yup, I went to a no-plus-one wedding by myself once, thinking there would be other people from college there. As it turned out, there weren’t. Then I came home and made a little video about it. http://diaryofwhy.blogspot.com/2009/08/why-i-need-wingman.html
“Friends don’t let friends attend weddings alone.” love it!
also, “I just really like salmon” ahahahhaa
We sent out our wedding invites without an “and Guest” for single people, because my fiance shrugged and said: “Oh, it’s just assumed that plus-ones are invited!” WRONG! Last time I listen to him when it comes to etiquette. Two days later everyone at my office was confused and asking me if plus ones are invited. I was mortified, because we’re totally open and encouraging for plus-ones for everyone, and I felt like we made a major faux-pas. I updated our website to say in multiple places that plus-ones were okay, so hopefully people didn’t think that we were douchebags.
We’re of the opinion that our wedding is just as much about our guests as it is about us, since it’s just one big party after all.
Aw you guys didn’t sound like douchebags at all! On the contrary. I love your attitude and your thoughts!
Let’s just talk finances. I have to invite your spouse to my future wedding. I can’t *not* invite someone’s husband. So that’s 2 people. Let’s even it out – since I have to invite both of you? I definitely get to bring a date to your wedding. Simple business transaction.
Yes. And isn’t legal marriage a business transaction anyway?
Exactly- my bf and I (together 2 years) are basically just waiting for me to graduate from college to get married; I think that his “friends” should want to meet me, since they’re going to be at MY wedding in a couple years. But no.
I had a friend invite me to her wedding – not only was my invite not a plus one, I had been in a very serious relationship with my guy for 8 years at that point whom she knew very well and she didn’t think that was enough reason to include him on the invitation. The kicker was, it was kind of a destination wedding since we all live in or around New York and for some reason she was getting married in western Massachusetts instead of her native New Jersey. So she was too cheap to pay for one more plate (never mind completely lacking any class for not including my fella) but I was suppose to buy a gift, pay for transportation and a hotel room to attend her wedding without my boyfriend. So I politely declined the invite and she stopped talking to me altogether. I’m still with my guy though
What the what??? Who behaves like that? Who has that line of thinking? I just don’t get it!
I LOVE YOU FOR WRITING THIS. Seriously, you should get this published somewhere like as an op/ed piece for the Huffington Post or better yet, some Southern bridal magazine. I am literally going to be single until the day I die (because I am anti-marriage for myself, not for others, if others want to get married that’s cool so long as they respect my singleness). People, we all start off single! Just because you found your other half before someone else doesn’t mean you have to rub it in their faces with the whole “no plus one” rule.
Fuck all of that noise. I’m going to start having “singlings”, aka the single person’s wedding. We can drink all night long, have a fantastic DJ, badass guest list of your nearest and dearest single friends, and applaud our general awesomeness and the fact that we don’t have to set up a joint banking account.
Oh hells yes YOU HEAR THAT, HUFFINGTON POST? I gotta get up in there, how do I get up in there with this? holla
SINGLINGS, YES. Or a This Is Not A Wedding wedding. Celebrate me, I’m in a relationship, I did it!!!!
I’M SENSING A GREAT TWITTER MOVEMENT HERE, WHY NOT TWEET THIS @ariannahuff ?
I LOVE INTERNET.
This happened a few years ago when one of my childhood friends got married. We had not been as close in our college years, but we (and our families) kept in touch. She had met my long-time boyfriend on a number of occasions, but when she got married, they ran out of room at their venue and said no +1s for unmarried couples. Silly me, I didn’t complain and went anyway, only to see several dating couples together in attendance! It was embarrassing that 1) I had to attend with my parents and 2) someone asked where my BF was. My mom was VERY pissed, as was I.
I had dinner with the bride a couple of weeks after she got back from her honeymoon. She was talking about all 10 stores she had registered at (not exaggerating). She said she got so many gift cards to one store she had not registered at, she returned several items to one of her stores and bought clothes instead! I had bought her one of those items from said store! I don’t mind of she needs to swap something out, but for CLOTHES?!?
I forgot to mention that, before the wedding, I was invited to a honeymoon shower so we could give them $$ to pay for their ‘moon. And do you know who that invitation was addressed to? Me “& Guest.” SERIOUSLY?!?
“She had met my long-time boyfriend on a number of occasions, but when she got married, they ran out of room at their venue and said no +1s for unmarried couples. Silly me, I didn’t complain and went anyway, only to see several dating couples together in attendance! It was embarrassing that 1) I had to attend with my parents and 2) someone asked where my BF was. My mom was VERY pissed, as was I.”
I AM FUMING ON YOUR BEHALF. WTF, “no room for unmarried couples”?? it’s like they’re saying you’re lesser than anyone who is married.
From your lips to God’s ears, as we Jews like to say. This post is golden. The idea that people don’t care enough to ensure that the people they love have a good time at the most important event of their life is downright offensive. I’m paying to fly across the country, buy you a gift (for the wedding AND the shower), I’m buying a new outfit & making an effort to not look homeless… and you don’t give a shit if I’m miserable or not?
Furthermore, I was just invited to a wedding where I’m the only one of my friends whose significant WAS invited. And now I have to bring my boyfriend along awkwardly, with my friends secretly seething because theirs weren’t invited, & it’ll intrude on my friend-time, but I can’t ask him NOT to come, as it’ll be his first opportunity in nine months to even meet my friends… JUST BE CONSISTENT, ASSHOLES.
Thank you!
Yikes, that is one awkward situation. I don’t think people really plan the logistics of the reception. More like the decorations, the venue, the food, the flowers, etc but not the part about what really makes a party a party.
Wow, I’m amazed that I haven’t gotten cursed out by an angry bride or groom yet. I thought this opinion of mine was in the minority! Going to read and respond to your comments now.
Wow ! I can’t believe people actually do that at weddings. At my wedding (and most other weddings in India), the buffet was catered based on the # of invites + another 200 – 300 more people. To us, it was just a big reason to a party and frankly with the number of people there, it would just be way too much stress to try and police who could bring a +1 (or a +6 in many cases).
Wow indeed! It’s a very different wedding culture.
FUCK YOU, WHO ARE YOU, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!
Jokes! I am not an angry bride cursing you out. The last wedding I went to, I had to go alone – well, along with my parents I guess, but that really doesn’t count in my books. In fact, isn’t that even worse? Also, we were stuck in the middle of a NATIONAL PARK and so there wasn’t even anywhere to escape to. Except the woods. Where we probably would have been eaten by something.
I really don’t buy the whole “oh, we’re on a budget so we can’t invite too many people” bullshit – if you’re on a budget, please for the love of GOD do not get married in a very expensive lodge in a national park. The end.
Haha!
Oh God. That sounds diabolical. “if you’re on a budget, please for the love of GOD do not get married in a very expensive lodge in a national park. The end.” Yup.
Open Bar. Guest Allowed. Really, that’s the only way to do it.
However, I should mention – a few years ago I went to an open bar wedding where guests were allowed and it was still totally questionable. The reception was outdoors in someone’s large backyard and the bride/groom made it clear that none of the guests were allowed to use the bathrooms in the house. Everyone had to use the portable toilets that they’d set up behind the wedding tent thing. It was the middle of July. The porta-potties had no sinks or hand sanitizer AND the menu was almost 100% finger food. Every time a relative went to shake my hand I threw up in my mouth a tiny bit. So yes, there are sometimes weddings that even an open bar can’t save!
…oh my sainted aunt.
WAIT WAIT!! I’ve got one, too!!
I was invited to an across-the-damn-country wedding of someone I was friends with in college (read: “please come and bring us presents”). When I RSVP’d my plus-one, I got this via text:
“Hey. You RSVP’d a woman. Guess you’re still on that lesbian thing. Our wedding is in a church & she may be uncomfortable. Please come alone. If you bring a guy he’s obviously not your sig-o. Thanks!”
So, basically, not only was my plus-one taken away, but I was told that she was either a guilt-ridden whore or Satan. AND… if I brought a guy… he’d be unwelcome ’cause I already ratted out my gayness.
I didn’t go to the wedding, but my girlfriend and a drag queen joined me in a cross-country drive anyway. It was a relief, though. She’d registered for a $110 toaster.
That is appalling. Especially the $110 toaster. No, her actions are way worse. I’m glad you Priscilla, Queen of The Desert-ed your way out of there.
Wow… that is SO unbelievable rude of your “friend.”
My man and I are getting married in April. we’re paying for the wedding ourselves and are in the middle of all the planning. Because we’re on a tight budget we’re having to be very careful with our guest list. It’s not going to be a princess wedding with a meringue dress, but it’s still really expensive to invite people we don’t even know.
So this is how we’re doing it: family and friends. If you’re married, or dating someone and we know about them, then they’ll be invited too, of course. There’s no way we’d even consider inviting just one half of a couple. But we’re not adding “and guest” to any invitations. If you have a boyfriend and we’re really close friends (you and me) then I know about him and I know his name and he’ll be included on the invite.
But I’m not keen to have my single friends scrambling to find random people to bring with. I was single for many many years and I went to loads of parties and weddings on my own. And it WAS NOT A BIG DEAL. Really. It was a few hours of my life. I was happy for my friends who were getting married and wanted to celebrate with them.
So what, for one evening I had to *shock horror* make new friends! Seriously. If it bugs you so much that you can’t bring a plus one, then politely decline.
We’re going to be perusing the list over the next month or so and will seat people so they’re with others we know they’ll hit it off with. And we’ve even started having groups of mixed friends around to our place for barbeques so that by the time the wedding swings around there’ll be no one there who’s a complete stranger.
I think people get far too offended far too easily. Weddings can cost a lot of money and we’re already doing ours as cheaply as we can. I’d like to think that our friends get that and understand. And obviously if one of my single friends finds a boyfriend/girlfriend in the next few months, even after we’ve sent out the invites, then we’ll make a plan.
But for a few hours on a Saturday I think most people can suck it up and make the decision to go, have fun, meet new people and have a good time without needing to invite someone they’re not even in a relationship with.
I can sort of understand this, but what about this scenario- I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, we’ve planned out about the next 10 together, we’re moving in together next month, and we’re basically waiting until I graduate from college to get married. He was invited to a wedding for an old friend, and I was not. I think it’s rude that this couple obviously does not want to include me in their lives, or even meet me, when I am such a huge part of their friend’s life!
Plus, when my boyfriend and I do get married, I’ll still have to invite this couple- even though I don’t know either of them, and my boyfriend doesn’t know the bride. So don’t tell me that weddings are expensive- they’ll be eating and drinking at MY wedding, why can’t I eat and drink at theirs?
Wow. Is it THAT awful to go to a party where you don’t know anyone? Grow some balls. Think of it as an opportunity to get to know some new people. After all, aren’t weddings supposed to be a great place to meet potential partners?
I was not invited to a wedding, and my boyfriend of 2 years was– I guess this means that the couple does not approve of me, since they want him to meet other “potential partners.”
I do see everyone’s point here, but on the flip side (that of a couple that’s planning one of the most intimately special days of their lives on a budget that barely allows it to happen at all): I don’t see the point in going into debt or sacrificing food my fiance and I might actually like ourselves, or having music played live as I walk down the aisle like I’ve dreamed of, or a real photographer that has actually done it before, so that 50 of my single guests (that I hang out with plenty at “parties” without them feeling compelled to bring dates) can scrape together 50 more people I don’t know to my private party where my entire family is going to be. It is a party. Yes. But it is an invite only private party. Not a college kegger with flyers all over town (as much fun as that would be, guess what: I can do that next weekend with the entire town if I want to. They’re called bars and everyone’s invited).
Sometimes when you’re planning a wedding you don’t have much of a choice. Our venue (the only option we like in the town we live in that still has our date available) only allows 125 people for our price point (they count and if we go one over they’ll charge us the next price point up which is way out of budget). When you’re paying for a wedding yourself and you don’t grow money in your backyard, the budget is the budget i.e.. all the money you can possibly spend without saying “eff it, Vegas it is!”. With that budget often comes a guest limit. Some towns are also quite a bit pricier than others. You can’t judge my wedding just bc you know so & so that pulled off an amazing wedding with 150 peeps for $4,000. I’m sure there are places where that’s possible but it’s not an option for all.
After our respective family’s are added up, which – I’m sorry – come first for us, there isn’t enough room for every one to bring a guest. And get this – NOONE is complaining. My single friends are fairly comfortable with the fact that they’re single and can handle not feeling obligated to “couple off” for a few hours. I think a lot of folks prefer it (for the most part they aren’t self conscience about being single, they’re single because they’ve chosen to be… not everyone is afraid of attending events alone – it’s 2012 people, no one is gossiping about you dancing alone). Why the hell do people feel like because it’s a wedding you have to have a date? I’m not even single and that offends me. It’s not about having even numbers! It’s not about who’s holding your hand – This event is about sharing in the joy of my choice to get married. If you don’t care enough to respect my wishes and financial restraints, then please don’t come. It won’t offend me at all.
I’ve vowed to offer the option of a plus one to any and all guests that really want it, IF we don’t get 125 RSVP’s back. I’m paying for that many people regardless of who shows up, so if some invitees can’t make it (which almost always happens), goodie gumdrops – more room for friends of other friends!
NOTE: I would never presume to ask a couple how long they’ve been together to gauge whether or not they get their name on an invite! That’s gross. If you’re invited to my wedding, one of us knows you. We also know if you have a significant other or are seeing someone special and we probably at least know their name. That of course could totally change in the next year, and is a different conundrum all together. But I digress…
ALSO, if they haven’t even met us yet, why do they want to come to our wedding? That’s kind of creepy to me. One more addition: TO EACH HIS OWN. This is how we’re doing it because it’s how we roll. It’s not for everyone. When you work your ass off to scrape together thousands of your own dollars over the years to plan the wedding you want, you do whatever the hell you want with what you have and if your friends are worth a damn they’ll support your choices without bitching. Just sayin. Happy planning!
I fall into your “Note” category. It upsets me that someone who has been in a relationship for 2 years isn’t allowed to bring their significant other.
Hey, I know I’m like SUPER behind the times on this, but I found this while Googling some combination of “wedding guest etiquette unmarried couple living together” and thought I’d pitch in my 2 cents and ask for some more opinions on a specific situation…
First of all, thank you. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
So I live with my boyfriend, and we are serious. This girl we’ve both known for at least 10 years is getting married in August. My boyfriend finally RSVP’d to this wedding and received a prompt response from her saying that unfortunately, they can’t accommodate his guest. She knows perfectly well that I’m his guest, and she also knows my bloody name. Nowhere on anything did it say “this is a private intimate affair, please no guests” or anything of the sort. She claims they have no space. LIES. I’ve been to the church they’re getting married at and it’s HUUUUUUUGE. I’ve been to their reception hall and it’s not HUGE but it’s sizable, for sure. The bride and I have never been best friends, we just didn’t run with the same crowd, but we always got along… We’re checking with other guests to see if they were told to un-invite their +1 after RSVPing and so far, we’re the only ones.
My boyfriend has dated the entire bridal party (don’t get me started), so we are kind of thinking that she told him not to bring me to avoid drama. It’s really causing more drama now than it would if I were to actually GO to the stupid thing. One of the bridesmaids is really pushy and still wants my boyfriend’s nuts, so I’m kind of wondering if she asked the bride to tell Charlie not to bring me so that she could get drunk with him and try and coerce him into being unfaithful. Either way, drama drama drama.
Any advice? Proclamations of outrage?
I love that most of the comments about cash bars and being denied to bring a date are being made by people who are SINGLE, NEVER MARRIED. Just wait until its your wedding day and maybe you’ll understand why someone didn’t plus one you…cause whomever you bring doesn’t care to be there anyway and it by the sound of your post you don’t really care to share in that moment anyway – just going on a free date. It has nothing to do with the cost of a dress or anything else (that is really none of your business anyway) its about sharing that very special moment in your life with your most loved ones – not loved ones and their plus ones.
Goodness, it’s shocking how many people forget what it’s like to be single or just alone at a wedding or any major event… I mean, it’s different if you know the person is friends with at least a few other folks who will be there solo too, since then they will have someone to chat with and hang out with since obviously the bride and groom wont have much time to spend with them.
And I also get when financials get in the way, my mom was invited to a coworkers wedding and told they didn’t have space for her to bring my dad, the wedding was on a boat and there was a fire-law limit, and obviously as a coworker my mom not only wasn’t one of the closest friends, and would also have other coworkers there to hang out with.
How to say this nicely, to not be a douche-couple, wedding invites should be sent in waves with rsvp dates. First the “must-haves” like close family and best friends (that buddy you had in college and talk to on facebook once a year doesn’t count here), then the friends and less-close family you would like to be there assuming they may have a +1, as you get declines on the invites or declines of +1s you start to get a better picture of how many more spots you have open, and can start inviting the buddy from college since you know you have space for them to come and bring a date if they wish (or a friend, because no this doesn’t have to be a romantic thing for them, just a buffer so they don’t get stuck awkwardly trying to talk to other people you’ve made uncomfortable, and having that buffer makes meeting new people easier) if you don’t have space for the person to bring a +1, because you were understanding about accommodating other people who care about you by caring about them, then unless you know they are a majorly outgoing person who wouldn’t mind being solo, just don’t invite them (I, and plenty people I know, would prefer to not get invited to an acquaintances wedding than go there alone).
If you DIY your invites you can even make a note to rsvp asap and let you know if their +1 isn’t needed since it could mean someone else can come, also it lets your more outgoing friends know it’s okay if they want to attend solo(or if their S.O. really hates weddings), because doing so might let someone else attend
My parents got married in my grandmas back yard, my mom sewed her own dress (which I plan to do too) and made and froze the food herself with my grandma over the week prior (of course costco is a nice cheap way to do food now) and my mom’s family didn’t get to come, because the one major expense they worked around was my mom moving to the USA from the UK, and plane flights were too expensive for them at the time (they made sure to have an engagement party in the UK first, and my dad couldn’t afford to be there). They even had a friend who was a decent photographer help out (though I love the disposable camera at every table idea) which is a great gift for a friend to give!
Best wedding I’ve ever been to was done on a dime, in a park, the bride got her dress at a davids bridal sale for less than $100, she’s 6′ tall and the dress was floor length so she wore sneakers (my favorite photo of the day is her lifting up her dress to show her converse) =p we all stayed at their place the night before to help people get ready, and to help dye the brides hair back and weave extensions in, since her job as a hair model resulted in it being chopped off and bleached a day before her wedding, I tied the ties (since most of the guys had no clue how), we had a friend who was a makeup artist do her makeup, a friend was ordained online and performed the ceremony, and another had sound equipment that he brought out for the event. The reception was at another friends music venue, and the grooms band played… It was absolutely beautiful, especially when she cried reading her self-written vows, 6 years later they are the happiest couple I know.
They and my parents understood the most important rule everyone forgets about wedding planning, the wedding day is NOT for the couple, it’s most definitely not for the gifts, it’s for the family and friends to celebrate with you, the start of your lives together… Too many people focus so much on making the wedding day perfect that they forget the effort should be on making a perfect marriage.
Worst wedding faux paus I’ve been part of was a friend having a destination wedding in Spain, I was invited which was very sweet, but since the wedding was scheduled for January 2nd, would have meant the plane ticket was the highest of the year, at $1600 6 months in advance not including hotel and other associated costs, which I could not afford, and because of non-flight travel to get to the small town, going would have meant I would miss Christmas with my family and be on a bus over new years. I declined politely and regretfully and with more than plenty notice, made sure to attend the bridal shower and brought my gifts (right from her registry) and she stopped talking to me.
Hi,
I would appreciate yourf eedback on the following:
Myboyfriend’s son is getting married in Mexico – my boyfriend asked me to attend – should he be paying for me since he invited me?