Hi gang! I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to update. I’ve been busy. Those Tivo’d Oprah episodes aren’t going to watch themselves.
Last night I went out with some friends and a guy asked me what my background was. “Are you mixed?” Confused, I asked, “Like, biracial?” To which he said, “No, I meant, are you German?”
Huh. Apparently mixed can also mean part German, to some people. Or to one guy. GOOD TO KNOW.
I love going out but once I’m there it never quite lives up. I just sort of sit or stand in the corner looking at people, carrying on imaginary conversations with Andy Warhol in my head. Like, “Oh, look at her, those shoes are all wrong.” “Come on Andy, they’re not too bad.” “The thing about shoes is that if they’re not right they throw the whole outfit off. They’re like a misfit gang. I think she looks like a mess.” “Oh you!” I also like to dance. But I don’t think Andy would dance with me. He would probably take polaroids and then when I was done dancing he would say something like, “You looked fabulous, don’t bust a gut” and I would say, “Lou Reed” or make some other allusion to whatever cultural reference was popular at the time. Lou Reed is still popular but I don’t think people are mentioning him in nightclubs.
However if you see me at a nightclub just come up to me and say, “Lou Reed.” That will be our secret code. That’s how we’ll know each other in the real world and everyone else won’t.
Nightclubs are not where you go to meet men. Nightclubs are where you go to have fun with your friends. There are three types of guys who you will find at nightclubs in LA:
1.) European weirdos
2.) Mustached weirdos
3.) Actors
Then in the sub category of actors you have:
1.) Famous
2.) Not yet famous
3.) No longer famous
Nightclubs are for having fun with your friends!! If anyone has met any non weirdo/non actor men at clubs in this city then you may as well show me a Lisa Frank pegasus because they don’t exist either.
Whatever, I don’t want to date anyway. I’m in a difficult relationship right now. It’s with this guy named Ted. Ted is a blueberry pancake that I just ate. He turned my mouth blue. I think this is going to be difficult for us to move past.
But there is always good news. Tonight the good news is that my hair is shiny and soft. You could probably see your reflection in it. There is always a saving grace in your life, and even if it’s just a good hair day you take that and run with it like you’re playing capture the flag and you’re running to or from or with a flag, I never played sports in school so I don’t really know how that game works at all, but you’re running and it’s like a never-ending recess! Good times.
Ted is a blueberry pancake that I just ate. He turned my mouth blue. I think this is going to be difficult for us to move past.
LOLS
You should try dating a rock. That's my next course of action. Rocks are solid. They don't let you down. They always listen, and never judge. You can get fancy and say you're dating THE rock, and people will be really impressed because they'll thing you're banging Dwayne Johnson.
…And you can hit people with it if you really want to.
I'm having a difficult relationship with my hangover. Therefore, I'm swearing off men all together.
Lou Reed, baby. Lou Reed.
What the fuck? My comment doesn't even make sense.
I'm never drinking again.
It might come out more as "ROU LEED" when I'm drunk, but I'm down with the program.
You are dead on about the 3 types of guys in LA nightclubs. If you really want to have fun one night…tell members of the "Actor Category" that you are a casting director. Hellooooo free drinks!
HOLY SHIT ALICE THAT'S GENIUS. WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT?????
Lisa fucking Frank, what a thuuuuuug!
You know I've never played capture the flag either but it seems like a pretty good reference.
I'm pretty much in-freaking-love with your posts even though I just recently became a reader.
You come up with these ingenious observations that I can totally see myself having but never actually putting down. Keep it coming because I know for a fact people will keep reading.
Thank you Luba!!
the fact that you're single makes you cooler. it might have something to do with the fact i am also a single girl and sometimes feel completely rejected from the world but you are fucking awesome. i am absolutely in love with your blog and this makes me feel like maybe i am a version of you, cool and single. keep on writing almie, you make my day a little brighter.
Oh Almie, it works like a charm!!! It's even funnier to talk to a guy who is not interested in you at all until you tell them you are a casting director….the pupils dilate, the mouth starts foaming….hours of instant fun. Whenever you try it out on a Sucka, please report back.
Yes. I am flattered that you found my blog so awesome that you mentioned the same thing days before I did. Im a fan so this means a lot.
http://mayismell.blogspot.com/
this was brilliant! i'm sitting in bed after a long day at school where this unknown guy saw me walk to his car, jumped into his and followed me out to the red light where he started honking until i rolled down my window…and then asked "hey, can we grab lunch?"
so definitely laughing at this marvelous post. thanks!