Serious Adult Life Goals.

My birthday is rapidly approaching. Time to make some fucking goals. Life goals. Adult goals. Some of them are serious, and some of them are really serious. Others are less serious. Try to guess which ones; I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Here they are, in no particular order:

— Star in a Jeff Golblum-inspired fashion photo shoot. Dude had amazing style in “Jurassic Park” that I need to emulate.

— Do a shot-for-shot remake of Mick Jagger and David Bowie’s “Dancing in the Street” music video. I could play Jagger or Bowie, I have no preference.

— Eat a taco with Kanye West.

— Sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at karaoke without it being cliche.

— Become Hollywood’s biggest producer, so that I can fuck with all of the people who fucked with me.

— Win an eating contest. But a real one, not the kind that I have crying while stuffing my face with take-out at 11:00 PM.

— Buy a house and throw a house party with the theme “House.”

— Learn how to play the guitar from watching videos of Paul McCartney. Sure, that means I’ll have to learn it left-handed, but then I can honestly say to people, “Oh, you noticed I play the guitar left-handed but I’m actually right-handed? Yeah, that’s because Paul McCartney taught me how to play.”

— Sell my fucking book.

— Remake “The Big Chill” in 8 minutes for youtube with me in the Jeff Goldblum role.

— Approach someone at a party, with a head wound and a drink in hand, with the line, “Great party, isn’t it?” delivered just like the ghost from The Shining. The first person to understand is the person I know is my soulmate. If I have to do this at every party I go to, then so be it.

— Not give a shit if I gain 6 pounds.

— Care less what people think of me and more what I think of me.

— Wake my parents at 4 AM with a surprise birthday cake on a day in which it is definitely not either of their birthdays.

— Meet Morrissey so that I can ask him, “What’s wrong, Morrissey? GIRLFRIEND IN A COMA???!!???”

— Get my friend/s to learn a dance with me so that we can “spontaneously” bust it out at parties.

— Learn as much French and German as necessary to be able to put “speaks French and German” on my resume.

— When my dad was in advertising he had an office that had a button in it that opened and closed his door. I want that. If I have that, I’ll know I’m okay, that everything is okay.

— Have less goals involving Jeff Goldblum.

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19 thoughts on “Serious Adult Life Goals.

  1. d

    “that t-rex will fucking bite you in half” serious
    “ostentatiously” serious
    “less” serious
    “does it get any less” serious
    “vindictively” serious
    “texas” serious (throwing down the eating contest gauntlet here is the modern-day wild west shootout)
    “does hugh laurie ever not look” serious
    “elderly people aren’t to be joked about” serious
    “i am so sick of this same old small apartment i might explode” serious
    “chris crocker” serious
    “recognizing semi-obscure pop culture references are the key to all true romances” serious
    “sexy” serious
    “even sexier” serious
    “bam margera” serious
    “ironically” serious
    “planned spontaneity still takes balls” serious
    “holy shit someone who doesn’t just speak english and/or spanish” serious
    “better hope that never shorts out so you’re stuck in your office unless you have an ax” serious
    “you can’t be fucking” serious

    1. d

      Also, I understand getting locked in your office for a few hours might not be so bad if you happen to be sharing the room with your hot assistant at that particular moment.

  2. Leyla H.

    My best friend and I did the “Dancing In The Street” video re-enactment in high school. It was amazing. We alternated the roles though because we both wanted to be both men.

      1. Leyla H.

        Somewhere, there’s a VHS tape with it on it. As well as our reenactment of the Leonardo DiCaprio movie, “The Beach,” with Barbies in the lead roles. It was for a school project.

  3. deromanticize

    Awesome goals. Except if I ate with Kanye, he would be buying me the most extravagant meal of my life. New goal: learn how to take full advantage of rich people.

  4. Marco Sparks

    What if you had a button that summoned Jeff Goldblum whenever you pushed it? There’s some real possibilities there. Some of them are very cool and all of them are terrifying.

  5. kc

    “Learn as much French and German as necessary to be able to put “speaks French and German” on my resume.”
    -Ditto!

    I won a banana eating contest once and got a hundred dollars for it! I definitely recommend joining an eating contest.

    I’ve been a fan of your blog since the early days and so I promise to buy your book.

  6. Jennifer Yonina

    Awesome goals!! I’m totally with you regarding that whole remake of “Dancing in the Streets”. Also totally down with busting out a spontaneous choreographed dance at parties. My “adult” birthday (30!) is coming up soon. I think you may have just inspired me to set some goals 🙂

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