My birthday is rapidly approaching. Time to make some fucking goals. Life goals. Adult goals. Some of them are serious, and some of them are really serious. Others are less serious. Try to guess which ones; I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Here they are, in no particular order:
– Star in a Jeff Golblum-inspired fashion photo shoot. Dude had amazing style in “Jurassic Park” that I need to emulate.
– Do a shot-for-shot remake of Mick Jagger and David Bowie’s “Dancing in the Street” music video. I could play Jagger or Bowie, I have no preference.
– Eat a taco with Kanye West.
– Sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at karaoke without it being cliche.
– Become Hollywood’s biggest producer, so that I can fuck with all of the people who fucked with me.
– Win an eating contest. But a real one, not the kind that I have crying while stuffing my face with take-out at 11:00 PM.
– Buy a house and throw a house party with the theme “House.”
– Learn how to play the guitar from watching videos of Paul McCartney. Sure, that means I’ll have to learn it left-handed, but then I can honestly say to people, “Oh, you noticed I play the guitar left-handed but I’m actually right-handed? Yeah, that’s because Paul McCartney taught me how to play.”
– Sell my fucking book.
– Remake “The Big Chill” in 8 minutes for youtube with me in the Jeff Goldblum role.
– Approach someone at a party, with a head wound and a drink in hand, with the line, “Great party, isn’t it?” delivered just like the ghost from The Shining. The first person to understand is the person I know is my soulmate. If I have to do this at every party I go to, then so be it.
– Not give a shit if I gain 6 pounds.
– Care less what people think of me and more what I think of me.
– Wake my parents at 4 AM with a surprise birthday cake on a day in which it is definitely not either of their birthdays.
– Meet Morrissey so that I can ask him, “What’s wrong, Morrissey? GIRLFRIEND IN A COMA???!!???”
– Get my friend/s to learn a dance with me so that we can “spontaneously” bust it out at parties.
– Learn as much French and German as necessary to be able to put “speaks French and German” on my resume.
– When my dad was in advertising he had an office that had a button in it that opened and closed his door. I want that. If I have that, I’ll know I’m okay, that everything is okay.
– Have less goals involving Jeff Goldblum.