So if you’re mad, get mad. — The Pretenders
We need to have a conversation. Here’s why. I just turned on Oprah and she’s interviewing Jenny McCarthy about her break-up with Jim Carrey. I don’t have anything against either of them, but are you fucking kidding me? This is your last year of your show and you’re interviewing a C/B-list celebrity about her break-up to some dude who tweeted about it some seven months ago? Are you fucking kidding me, Oprah? I’m not going to use the J-word (journalism) but how is this worth 5 minutes of airtime, let alone almost an entire hour? I just broke up with some dude, where’s my fucking interview? Is someone going to have me on their show so I can complain about how I thought we were “going to go the distance” (because unless you use that cliche you’re not sincere) and how I’ve learned so much about myself and can I make rousing statements like, “LADIES, MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY!” and have an audience cheer for me? Why don’t I get to dispense this pithy Skinny Bitch/”Single Ladies” babble to millions of women? And how did Jenny McCarthy make a career out of this? Oh right, she became Oprah’s friend. If you do that, you’re set for life.
Speaking of “Single Ladies”: no. No more of this song. It was a great song, a great video (“One of the best of all time. OF ALL TIME.“) but when Liza Minelli is limping her way through it in a sequel to an HBO movie it needs to stop. First of all, I am a single lady, but I do not want anyone to put a fucking ring on it. I am in no way ready or willing to get married to anyone, and the idea that all women are dating just so they can wind up with a ring on their finger is fucking insulting. Believe it or not we have other shit we would like to achieve in life. Secondly, I can buy my own fucking rings. Thirdly, if you liked it, you should have treated me with fucking respect. A ring has nothing to do with it. And I know that when Beyonce sings, “Put a ring on it” she’s referring to her hand and not to herself, but there’s only so many times I can hear this song and not associate the word “it” with something else. And what really pisses me off is that I really liked this stupid song! Remember “Crazy In Love”? That was a great fucking song! Beyonce has some great hits! But then it just kind of mushroomed into something else. It turned into something that “I’m-not-a-regular-mom-I’m-a-cool-mom”s claimed as their anthem, as they danced to it at weddings. To quote the great Christian Bale, “It’s fucking distracting.” It’s like the time I went to a Lady Gaga concert that was promptly ruined by the painfully “hip” mom dancing in front of my fucking face and blocking my fucking view for the entire fucking concert. Pull up your goddamn low rise jeans, sit down, and stop embarrassing your preteen daughter. I don’t need to see this. You can enjoy pithy pop songs as much as the rest of us, but you can’t relish it. I’m sorry. It just comes off as sad. Which is why when I see Jenny McCarthy babbling about how okay she is being single as she warms up Oprah’s audience by doing the whole “Single Ladies” dance routine I feel like I’m watching Michael Scott do something awkward on “The Office.” Stop. Please stop.
And Oprah, you need to put an end to this. All of this. “We’ve never broken up,” Oprah randomly announced, about her relationship with Steadman. Oprah, I cannot think of a single fucking person who actually gives a fuck about your boring fucking relationship. I also can’t think of a single person who actually buys that you are in a relationship with Steadman. And you keep talking about how you like to keep your personal life private, so why the hell do you keep bringing it up? If you’re going to let your guests make total fools of themselves by babbling about their break-ups like they’re having lunch with their girlfriends, then at least pull it together and stay out of it. Tom Cruise made a total jackass of himself on your show when he was in love, and you kept your mouth shut. Don’t try to do the girl talk. Maybe try to have topics that aren’t completely inane.
I’m still going to watch the rest of this episode though.
Yes, yes, and yes. The rest of the episode is just as awful. Terry McMillan (Terry McWho? Yeah.) talks about her plight with her gay ex-husband (AGAIN) and then he appears to confirm that the two are now besties.
Having been engaged and on the cusp of “putting a ring on it,” I can see the luster of having that proverbial person in the corner, cheering you on while you are busy “doing your thing” and also being able to switch roles and be that person for them.
We’re all busy and trying to get somewhere, but I hardly think that you would tell the man (or woman for the few of us BROS here) of your dreams that he’s gonna have to catch another bus because you’re simply too full to take on another passenger. I mean, am I right or am I right?
Still, I’m doing the “dodge the arrows” dance over here because I feel like being a guy automatically makes me a target of remote control throwing from you 😉
I promise, though, that I am not missing the point of this entire entry and I hear ya. Jenny only got this opportunity because it is Jm Carrey and not Rick Hyble* that she broke up with, so that’s the irony of it all: people want to hear the dish on what it’s like to break up with Jim, not what it’s like to be Jenny.
All you can do is sit back and say “Well … FUCK.”
Rest assured, though, we’re all here because we do want to know what it’s like to be Jenny, or Almie in your case. You’ve got one up on Jenny there. Own it.
*Fictitious name used as a token for any average Joe.
Uh oh, I used my full name on my comment. Oh, snafu.
“hat’s the irony of it all: people want to hear the dish on what it’s like to break up with Jim, not what it’s like to be Jenny.” YES! SO YES! I AM SO WITH YOU ON THIS ONE!
“but I hardly think that you would tell the man (or woman for the few of us BROS here) of your dreams that he’s gonna have to catch another bus because you’re simply too full to take on another passenger. ” But you totally lost me here. By which I mean I literally don’t understand what you’re saying.
I apologize for jumping around. I was fielding a number of texts and phone calls while trying to reply so I lost my train of thought a few times.
I guess I was just commenting on where you said “Believe it or not we have other shit we would like to achieve in life.” It just appeared, with that statement, that you are inferring one would have to “put other shit we would like to achieve” on hold in the name of romance or entering a marital situation when I personally believe this doesn’t have to be the case when the marriage is a partnership which enhances your life and the other person only helps you make your dreams and goals come to fruition.
Again, that’s just what you appeared to be saying from that one statement. I hope I didn’t misconstrue what you were saying and completely deviate from the overall subject matter at hand.
d
Ah, ok, I think I get where you’re coming from.
It’s okay if you believe that marriage enhances your life. But what I’m saying is that, there are other things out there that enhance your life and I’m looking for those. I’m looking for an amazing career. I’m looking for happiness in being comfortable with myself. I am not looking for a ring. I can date and experience love but to me, that’s something that would be wonderful to come along, but not the endgame, not the final goal.
I think there are other things in life than finding someone to “put a ring on it.”
Ok, I feel we are on the same page now (I take responsibility for being aloof) with this comment and completely agree with you. You were making a point about LOOKING for a ring or LOOKING for marriage, and I went off on some tangent about “marriage works when blah blah blah.” I guess my eyes are full of small hearts and twinkling stars these days (not because I am currently in love or anything, just happy about life and excited to see where it leads), and I went off on some hopeless romantic trail.
Anyway, what you look for and what you find while looking for it make all the difference in the world, and you have your focus in the right place for certain. A lot of people make finding a relationship or that special someone much more of a priority than they should, I feel. My stance (and it seems yours as well) is to simply keep your eyes open while focusing on what is best for you and within your control: happiness with one’s self, education, career, friendships, community involvement, hobbies, etc. The person for you will come along with those focuses and choices. But, you obviously already know that and I am preaching to the choir, so to speak.
Anyway, sorry signals got crossed, that’s the internet for ya.
d
“I cannot think of a single fucking person who actually gives a fuck about your boring fucking relationship. ”
I want to get that tattooed somewhere. Maybe next to the tattoo of your face I’m planning to get. Oh, hi, I’m just a creepy fan who reads your blog and laughs loudly to myself the whole way through and tells my best friend she’s been replaced by you every time you post an entry.
That’s not creepy, that’s just happy!
You’re damn freaking right!
Sometimes I feel like the last girl in the world who wants to get married… or I guess has it as a priority. As much as I love women focusing on their goals- both career and personal ambition- I still believe that having someone to share all of that with is just as important. Most of my friends, including some who have been dating the same guy for over 4 years, say that they don’t feel ready to get married because they need to have their career 100% set up first. This baffles my mind. Why would being married stop you from your career? If anything, it should help because you have someone there supporting you and your dreams. And if you feel that the guy you have been with for years and years would hold you back and make things more difficult, why are you still with him? When I tell my friends that I want to be married 2-3 years it’s like I just revealed that I am going to be on Hoarders, despite the fact that I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years already.
Somewhere in all of the talk about power girls and saying “screw him, guys suck” it’s like we turned marriage into some sort of prison that will take away your options and force you to be a 1950s housewife.
Yes, Single Ladies has gone from being catchy and sort of true to being so ubiquitous that it becomes laughable, but I get Beyonce’s point. I read in some super reliable source like Cosmo or Allure that a lot of guys will move in with someone with absolutely no intention of ever getting married just because it’s easy to have a woman living with you who cares about crap like having a clean apartment and eating good food, not to mention half of the rent being taken care of. The point, to me, is don’t stay with a guy who is just screwing around because you deserve better. Guys continuously take a good thing for granted, or string a girl along knowing she’s not the one because it’s easier that way. And guys these days seem just as afraid of marriage as women. They think it means sitting at home being absolutely miserable, never seeing their friends again, and just being nagged about things like doing the dishes or how they maybe glanced at some girl’s boobs 5 days ago.
Why does the media want our generation to think that marriage is evil and ruins your life? Why is it working? Why has everyone forgotten what marriage really is: having the person who makes you feel happy and loved right there with you every single day?
Sorry, that sort of came off as if I was attacking you. Obviously this has been building for a while since all of my friends are of the opinion that marriage is something scary that we are too young for (we’re all done with college and in graduate school or have stable jobs) and will only fetter you, and I definitely feel judged for thinking otherwise. I get dating for fun- the excitement of someone new, going out to new places, getting to know interesting people- but I don’t get why marriage has to be bad in order for being a successful woman to be good. I just looked at the women who are at the top of Forbe’s list of the 100 most powerful women in the world; they’re all married with kids. We’re the generation that can benefit the most from previous generations of women striving to “have it all” in that we have watched their successes and failures, others have started to pave the way for us, we’re the generation of more women than men entering college, and we’re equipped with all of the tools to become successful in any field we choose. With all of that on our side, what makes marriage the thing that will hold us back?
First of all, no worries, I don’t feel attacked! I love your passion!! I love that you care enough to write this awesome response!
Hey, I have nothing against marriage or the institution of marriage. I love wedding blogs.
Some women make marriage a goal. That’s fine. Some don’t. That’s also fine. I’m one of those who don’t. I would much rather have a great career than a husband. But that’s me. I don’t shun anyone who wants a husband. But I resent anyone who makes me feel like being a single lady is more about looking for a ring than looking for your own life.
Does this make sense?
I applaud what you said, but wanted to make two minor adjustments to what you said:
“SOME Guys continuously take a good thing for granted, or string a girl along knowing she’s not the one because it’s easier that way. And SOME guys these days seem just as afraid of marriage as women.”
But I hear ya and think you have many valid points, it just doesn’t apply to all of us, just some or most guys.
“d,” we’re totally on the same page. Let’s get married.
Almie, it makes perfect sense. Everyone (well, ok, everyone who is basically a decent person and not a scumbag) deserves to have a fulfilling life, whether that be through career, relationship, charity work, etc. I just believe that marriage is part of that life, and not something that prevents it, which is what a lot of young women seem to think these days. I agree that people need to go after whatever is going to personally make them happy.
That’s exactly it.
no one GIVES A SHIT that you just got dumped
(except me, who also just got dumped and enjoys thinking vicariously through your blog)
so thank you Almie, and when your book comes out, I’m going to buy a copy of it for me, and one copy for each of my two best friends.
because really, we’re all just as angry as you, you’re just ballsy enough to publish it.
“so thank you Almie, and when your book comes out, I’m going to buy a copy of it for me, and one copy for each of my two best friends.”
ARE MY AGENTS LOOKING AT THIS???
Thank you Eryca. xoxoxo.
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I want to start singing GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN and dance around wearing sweatpants and drinking wine, you are so spot on.
PREACH
Since when is Oprah a journalist? She has a daytime talk show. She is not a journalist. This is obvious. So writing about how Oprah’s interview with Jenny McCarthy isn’t journalism seems like a waste of time.
And I think the reason that Jenny McCarthy is even still relevant in the celebrity world is not because of her relationship with Jim Carey but the fact that she has a son with autism and has been involved in a lot of autism-awareness-activism. This makes her seem more “grounded” and intriguing than other B-List celebrities Her relationship with Jim Carey has only made Jim Carey a more interesting celebrity since he has been a part of caring for a child with special needs.
And I think you have really gone out on a limb with Beyonce’s song. The message is not ‘You need to get married to validate your relationship’. The message is ‘Stop whining about how I am with someone else now when you had your chance to stop being a loser who doesn’t pay enough attention to me and drinks to much, etc’. You should have put a ring on it just sounds a little more catchy than ‘you should have paid attention to me’.
Did you even watch the interview? The entire thing was about her break-up and her pubic hair.
Hello, your blog was mentioned on someone else’s I follow and this is weird but I thought it was odd that your name was Almie and that you liked Bowie because I remember being a wee freshman in college in Boston and talking to some girl with that name about that very subject. I never forget conversations about the love of my life and also remember weird stuff like this all the time so don’t feel bad if you’re like, “Who the fuck are you?”. So I did some stalking and I guess you’re that person. Weird! Anyway, I’m a creeper yes but I really like your writing and I think speaking up and introducing myself makes me less creepy, no? I’m Leyla.
Oh, and if you’re someone completely different well then pardon me, I’m a moron and you have a twin.
OMG THAT WAS TOTALLY ME!!! AWESOME! How are you?
YEAH! I’m good! Ish! You know, doing the whole, “Wah wah I am such a creative, why am I not published and horribly well-known yet?” bit. I’ve skimmed through your old entries and I love the blog, one of my new favorites. Keep it up miss!
um, yes. interviewing jenny about her breakup and nether regions was not oprah’s proudest moment.
I for one, totally agree with you. That episode has not been on Australian tv yet but as soon as I see Jenny McCarthy I am going to throw socks at the tv set. I personally don’t give a shit. I have to say I laughed bigtime when you mentioned about Oprah’s relationship with Steadman. The rumours she is gay with her best gal pal Gayle seems more believeable these days …
And when I got to reading about Tom Cruise, I was thinking exactly that. What a tosspot Cruise is. I always thought he was a freaktard, now I know for sure after that show!
I stopped watching Oprah after she had that “how to pick the right bra” show. It seems nothing much has changed, she still has run out of relevant things to talk about.
I LOVE THIS MEAN GIRLS REFERENCE. My mom always hated “cool moms” because they interfered with her shit.
I am so happy I found this post (from a tweet by a “cool mom” nonetheless)! Your complaint about what you witnessed at the Lady Gaga concert is exactly what I meant by my personal “Laney Berlin” moment: I caught myself (trying to) doing something “cool” and immediately felt self-conscious of seeming desperate. Pathetic even. So happy to know that I was not crazy! That it is true! (Please believe me that the above was not said with any trace of sarcasm. I am truly happy to be proven right!) Btw, I also agree with you: Marriage is overrated.
Ugh, I really want that dress.
Actresses are worth much more if they’re tapping another celebrity. Hell, any woman is worth much more if she’s tapping a celebrity. Models are worth much more if they’re tapping… well, you get the picture. “Winning” a famous guy is a sign of true greatness. This is really just the celebrity version of a profile on a dating website. We need to be there for Jenny in this inbetween phase… soon, she’ll get another famous guy, or at the very least, a property mogul, because rich is ALMOST as good as famous (but not quite). We love you Jen, and we know you are a strong, independent woman, and because you’re so strong and independent, you’re sure to catch another famous guy soon. Maybe come back on Oprah then, and we can all celebrate your achievement together.
Chist, we need a sarcasm font online.