Previously on Sitting Awkwardly On The Couch I went to a party and tried to hit on Edward Scissorhands guy. He wasn’t interested and left me on the couch when I noticed The Cute Guy With Hair In His Face. We talked a lot and then I left. I didn’t think I would hear from him again. Jack tells Kate that they have to go back.

I was getting Starbucks the next afternoon when he texted, “Yawn. (This is _________ by the way).” I thought that was cute so I asked him what he was up to. I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for and to be honest I still was not totally over Edward Scissorhands guy. I thought that The Cute Boy With Hair In His Face would be a fun diversion. I had no idea what was in store for me but this is what I thought at the time. We made plans to see each other that evening. He asked what I wanted to do and I asked him if he had MarioKart. What? WHAT? I don’t have a Wii. My friend Laura did and I was getting good at it. No, I know what you’re thinking. “Apocalypstick,” you’re asking, which is adorable because that’s not my real name but that’s OK, “I thought you said you never go to someone’s apartment on the first date unless you’re looking to just make out?” That’s very true. I will stress again that I had no idea what I was feeling emotionally and feelings blah blah Carrie Bradshaw. And yes, fine, I kind of wanted to just make out with the guy. But only after MarioKart. MarioKart was paramount.

Once again, I put on my big girl heels and sped off in my mini cooper. It wasn’t until half a second after I knocked on his door that I realized I didn’t really know what I was doing. He opened the door and smiled at me and his hair was still in his face and I didn’t know if I should hug him or high five him or what so I just sort of fell into him and hoped he would take care of it. He did.

I bet you can guess what happened next.

MARIOKART! But for some reason I sucked. Probably because I was nervous. But I really, really sucked. He asked if I was hungry. I wasn’t but I needed to do something else with my hands other than suck at MarioKart. We ordered pizza online, which blew my mind, because up until then I was ordering pizza over the telephone like Thomas Jefferson or some ancient shit.

Then we sat awkwardly on the couch for a little while.

We kissed, ate pizza, kissed again and a few hours later I was on my way home. He asked me to text him when I got home to ensure my safety, which I did. He responded with, “We never ate the ‘cinnastix.'” (A few months later, out of insane curiosity, I ordered some cinnastix to see what I was missing. It tasted like someone dipped a pair of Keds into cake frosting. So for Dominoes, it wasn’t too bad.)

We saw each other a couple more times and I think it was clear that neither of us knew what we were really doing with the other one. I asked him to take me on a “real date” and he told me to pick a restaurant. It wasn’t a Beyonce-style DISTASTAH but it was no Mary Poppins tea party on the ceiling either. We both liked each other but we didn’t know what to say. I made a lot of dumb jokes and he didn’t say much. But then something weird happened after that date. I realized that I actually really liked the guy. Unfortunately, he realized that he didn’t really like me. His texts trickled off and I soon stopped hearing from him completely. I agonized over what I did wrong. Was it one particular dumb joke? Was it the restaurant? I didn’t know and I hated that I cared. I hated that during our brief period of dating I was probably projecting this entire attitude of, “Whatever, dude.” And now it was too late.

Soon I forgot about his smile, the hair in his face, the way he made me feel happy, and the way he referred to my acting class as “zombie class” for reasons that I can’t remember but that I can guarantee were funny. Six months later I was meeting new people life was good. I never heard from him again.

OR DID I?

To be continued…

United States Of Whatever — Liam Lynch