OK everyone by now you know that I feel that no one really dates anymore so perhaps your question for me is, 1.) “So Almie, what sort of date WOULD you like to go on?” Or maybe your question is, 2.) “Why are you such a bitch?” I’m going to answer the first question because the second question is impossible to answer. That’s like asking why an apple is edible. Or why the moon is so big. Or why Jon Hamm is so perfectly engineered. And et cetera.
A few days ago a lovely fellow invited me to go for a hike. Because of point 2.) I said no. I don’t hike. What am I, Yogi Bear? But the point is that is a great idea for a date! It’s going outside of the box. It’s saying to the box, “Hey fucker, I’m going to step right outside of you and I’m not even going to look back, you fucking wanker.”
When it comes to dates, I like to go real old school. I like a guy to take me to a great restaurant. It doesn’t have to be expensive or trendy (and I would prefer if it wasn’t trendy; I want to be able to stuff my face without having to look at Ashley Tisdale or some shit, ugh) it just has to be a place that is great! Personally I haven’t found my favorite restaurant yet but if some dude saddled up and said, “Hey I know a great place” and then took me to the Pirates restaurant in Disneyland that would pretty much melt my heart. AWWW YOU GUYS.
But you don’t have to do dinner. Some other cool things to do include museums. Remember those? They’re like the internet but instead of hilarious Twilight GIFs they’re real, physical works that you can look at, but not touch, NEVER TOUCH. The great thing about going to museums is that you can both feel like you’re really accomplishing something and it’s great to drop at a party. “Oh I just got back from the new _____ show” and people want to sound equally cultured so they’ll say, “Wow, how was it?” and then you can say, “It was resplendant/dull/fascinating/preterable.” BTW that last word was made up DID YOU NOTICE? You better keep your fucking looking balls locked on what I write because you never know when I’m going to throw you a fucking curveball. I’m like Brandon Walsh: always trying to educate.
Now I know in this economy it’s hard to afford a decent date to which I say, TOO FUCKING BAD, MONEY UP! No No that’s harsh. Really, there are inexpensive things you can do. Like hike. Or barbeque. Or look at bugs or some shit. I am not being condescending! These are fine things to do! Or you could go to the Santa Monica Pier and for 2-4 bucks get real non-Mac photobooth photos and walk along the beach. Or if you were on the date that I was on, you have that beach stroll interrupted by a phone call from your date’s strung-out friend who is confused and is stranded at the top of Mulholland Drive without a ride or shoes. But whatever!
I hope this has given you something to think about and if it hasn’t then it’s your own fucking fault for not keeping your mind open and your looking balls locked.
