Max Landis Interview Is Coming Soon
Oct
10
2013
Tag Archives: dating advice
Ten Dating Mistakes People Make
Aug
14
2013
Dating kind of sucks sometimes, especially when you do that thing when you think, “Wow, I’ve just ruined everything.” Here are 10 Dating Mistakes People Make. Most of these I have done. No one is alone here.
10. Forcing conversation.
It’s so easy to do this one. I think all of us want to avoid awkward silences, but we all know that trying to make something less awkward only makes it more awkward. So many times I tell myself, “Don’t be awkward. You’re fine. Just be breezy.” But that usually makes it worse.
9. Analyzing every text.
Some people don’t have their phone glued to them like you do. Some people don’t text as often as you do. Some people don’t like to text as much as you do. Thus, some people do not put in a lot of thought into their texts, other than to get pertinent information across. Do not break down 300 characters into a 5 paragraph essay.
Young man, are you listening to me?
Jul
31
2012
You know that awkward moment when the line you gave someone else is now the line that’s being given to you? Ouch, that smarts! Maybe it’s not an exact line, but a routine. That thing you do where instead of saying that you really want to say, you say something far, far more neutral. And you’ve done it, so you know what it looks like, and thus when someone does it to you, it’s a special sort of mindfuck.
It’s so hard, you know? It’s so hard to just “be yourself” but without being your fully realized annoying self. If I was really being myself I would say exactly what was on my mind and what I wanted to happen and how I really feel about Wes Anderson, or whatever is supposed to matter. In the beginning of anything, a new job, a new relationship — friendship or otherwise — don’t you just want to sit that person down and say, “Okay, here is where I want this to go and here’s what I think and feel about you, so let’s not waste each others’ youth here”? I know I do. But that kills the fun of it, apparently.
So we don’t do that. We do what we’re supposed to do. If we’re not interested, we’re nice anyway. If we are interested, we mute our interest. So because of this, it’s hard to tell who is sincere anymore and who isn’t. Especially since the majority of our interaction comes from texting. Women are stellar at taking apart text messages, like we’re excavating a tomb, trying to find the hidden meaning in everything, leaving nothing undiscovered. For example: “Me too” — I could take that apart in six different ways. Logically, I know that that’s insane. I know that the only thing to read there is two words, and anything else is something I’m making up. Pure fiction.
I don’t want to do this. I really don’t. So let’s not, okay? We’re all in this together. Can we all agree to drop the pretense or is that too frightening? Let’s figure something out.
How To Get Over Another Break-Up
Jul
09
2012
RED FLAGS.
Nov
17
2011
See that guy back there? That’s a red flag.Those posters? Red flag. My friend Sara? Not a red flag.
Someone, I think it was a gentleman named Robin, wanted to know if I could write about spotting those elusive red flags that eventually destroy a relationship.
Some of these are obvious to everyone but you. Like maybe your new boyfriends eats live lizards and calls everyone “Mommy.” That’s a red flag. Sometimes you notice this behavior but you justify it. “Lizards have LOTS of protein you guys.” Suuuure.
Let’s talk about the subtle ones.
Is your new partner forthcoming with you? When you ask them about their job history or their family, do they suddenly get quiet and stare off into the distance and say, “Sometimes the lone star is the one that shines brightest.”? Or maybe they’ll say something like, “Yeah I did stuff and my family exists.” Both of those answers suck. You don’t need their work resume or their family tree, but something like, “I used to work in fashion and have a brother named Jeff and my parents are dead” is just fine.
Do they freak out if you ask to use their computer or phone? Some people don’t like other people to touch their things, fine. But do they try to hide these objects from you? When you’re out in public and their phone rings, do they give it a worried look and then when you ask them, “What’s wrong?” they say, “Oh nothing, it’s just my parents” and you’re like, “Your parents are dead” and they’re like, “Yeah, iPhones suck, right?” What is it that they don’t want you to see? If it’s their laptop it’s probably porn, and that’s okay. Just because someone looks at porn doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or don’t want to be with you. It’s nothing to freak out about, unless it gets to the point where it interferes with your daily routine lives.
They mention their ex constantly. If you ask them about their last relationship, you’re going to want to hear something like, “My last relationship was a year ago. Great guy, no bitterness, it just didn’t work out because of long distance/wanting different things/they got really ugly” or whatever. What you don’t want to hear is this story when you didn’t even ask. What you don’t want to hear is, “Hey, what do you want on your pizza?” and the response is, “My ex Rachel loved pepperoni so no pepperoni because Rachel would eat it all the time and I don’t like Rachel, I mean pepperoni.” If they mention their ex more than, say, 3 times in your first week of dating, they’re probably not ready to date.
They ask to borrow money/things and never pay them/give them back. People forget, that happens. But if you gently remind them and they say you’ll get it in __ amount of days and you don’t and they never bring it up again, that is not cool. Money ruins relationships of all kinds. Maybe you guys do a thing where one of you pays for drinks and then the next time the other one does, or whatever kind of casual thing, and that’s okay. That’s very different from, “Hey babe can I borrow three hundred dollars?” and then they disappear for a month and never bring it up again. That’s spooky. Often this starts out innocently enough with, “Can you buy this gum for me, is that cool?” but it can end with, “Baby I sold your Lexus, is that cool?” It is not cool, Charles. Not cool.
They only call you late at night to “hang out.” They don’t call you to hang out during the day, or invite you to public places, or to meet their friends. Unless they are a vampire, one of those “True Blood” vampires not the “Twilight” vampires, then this basically means that they want you for sex and nothing else. Nothing is going to come from this. I’m sure you heard stories about how, “My friend Chelsea’s friend Sarah started seeing this guy Zach and his brother Franco started seeing her and it was strictly a friends with benefits thing but now they’re married and living in Milan!” No. No. Sit down. Stop giving us hope that this will ever happen. This might happen if you start out as friends. Because at least there is something to build on. But the chances of this turning into something real, of this person actually caring about you when you’re not in their apartment at 3 Am, is about 3%.
I’m sure there are plenty more. What are your red flags?
Blind Dates (Apparently Still Exist).
Oct
04
2011
photo taken by me of my friend Laura.
I got a special request to do a post about blind dates. I always take special requests into consideration, btw. Just email me or internet me in some other form.
Is it still politically correct to use the term “blind date”? The more I think about it the more uncomfortable it makes me.
Right, so I’ve been on one blind date in my life. And here’s the thing: in this world we now live in, with so much information on the internet about everyone, there really is no such thing as a true blind date anymore. I guarantee you that your blind date has combed through your Facebook. If your settings are very private, then they’ve found something else on the Internet about you, somewhere. The most awkward thing is when you’re on your first date and you pretend not to know what that person is telling you right at that moment because you’ve already seen it on Facebook.
So that’s the first thing, no blind date is without sight.
Ha.
Secondly, how does one handle a blind date? Remember the show “Blind Date?” If you don’t, the show was about filming people going on blind dates, complete with commentary that was hilaritrocious. I would pretend that you’re on that show. Pretend you’re being filmed and remember, you want to look good on camera. Your grandma could watch this. Don’t do anything on this date that you wouldn’t want your grandma to see. If your grandma is dead, then these rules don’t apply, because she’s always watching you anyway.
So it’s fun to pretend you’re on a TV show because it makes the whole situation just silly. Silly as a toad in a top hat.
Like all those jerks say, be yourself. If you can’t be yourself, be Faye Dunaway. Try to avoid being Kanye West. Few can pull that off. But if you’re nervous, just say you’re nervous. Don’t say it more than once (twice at most) because then you’ll make the other person nervous and/or annoyed. Because the person is probably a little nervous too. After all, you’re strangers. As children we’ve been taught to avoid them but then the Internet happened and that pretty much went out the window.
My best advice for blind dates? Show up. There is nothing crueler than standing up a blind date. At least get to know the person before you dislike them.
Have you ever been on a blind date? How did it go?
If you want some other dating tips/advice, there’s this post about running into my Facebook crush at a party and this post about the time I was stood up. (Though it was more like being blown off than stood up. Such a fine line.)
Thoughts from New York.
Jun
14
2011
GUYS: If a girl thinks you’re gay, it means she thinks, “That man dresses well, has exceptional taste and style, looks like he showers, and is actually trying to talk to me instead of grabbing at my boobs.” It’s a compliment.
GIRLS: If you’re with a guy (or girl or anyone), stop getting insecure about their ex-girlfriends. They’re with you know. Sure, there’s curiosity and then there’s angst. I NEED TO GET BETTER AT THIS ONE.
EVERYONE: Can we just be kinder to each other? Being cynical is tired. Try something else.
BEN STILLER: I saw you on Broadway in “House of Blue Leaves” and you are an astonishingly good actor. Can you please cut it the fuck out with this Meet The Parent shit? Do you not have enough money at this point? Do you really need more cars? Boats? Cashmere underwear? I don’t know. Just stop it. This is why no one likes you. Stop it. Be good. Let yourself be good. I believe in you, Ben Stiller. I believe in you.
CAB DRIVER WHO DROVE LIKE THE COPS WERE CHASING US: I undertipped you on PURPOSE. THAT WAS THE SCARIEST RIDE OF MY LIFE. AND WHEN I SAID I’LL GET OUT HERE, YOU KEPT DRIVING. BETWEEN THAT AND YOUR MR. TOAD’S WILD RIDE DRIVING ABILITIES, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. WE ALMOST HIT 3 DIFFERENT CARS. THIS WAS NOT AN AVERAGE CAB RIDE, WHERE ONE HITS ALMOST 2 CARS. 3 IS 1 TOO MANY. 3 IS INSANE.
Bonus: Can we not wear backpacks and capris to the theater?
