A few posts ago I talked about womens’ clothing trends and my opinions (I pretty much hate everything.) Let’s talk about men this time. Some men make the following looks work. Some. But I even urge those lucky few to switch it up.

Gentlemen. Please explain this to me. Why do you wear these things?

Skinny jeans. Yeah, I said it. Skinny jeans are played out. I cannot even handle them anymore. I used to be the biggest skinny jean supporter. But then everyone started wearing them. And now everyone looks stupid. Especially when you tuck your shirt into them. What the hell are you thinking. You are not Freddie Mercury. You are not one of the 1960s Rolling Stones. But God knows you’re trying. Stop it. Just stop it. You may want to have children one day.

Boat shoes. One day I looked down and realized that all guys my age were wearing my dad’s exact pair of shoes. Do you want to kill a lady boner? Wear her dad’s shoes.

Shorts at an awkward length. Are these capris? Are you going for an Audrey Hepurn Funny Face look? What the hell are you doing? Either wear shorts or pants but don’t wear pants that suddenly change their mind and become shorts. You look like a penguin.

Mustaches. I think you shouldn’t wear a mustache unless you’re over 40. Especially one that looks like a prop for your pirate costume. Again, stop ruining Freddie Mercury’s memory. He doesn’t deserve this.

V-neck shirts. Let me explain this one. Some V-neck shirts are fine. It’s when you get really, really low cut that I start to have problems. I don’t need to see all that. I feel like I walked in on you midway through getting dressed. Wear a dickie if you have to.

The Napoleon Dynamite look. You know what I mean? Comically large glasses, an ironic tee shirt, colorful slacks. There are people who actually dress this way because God love them they don’t know better. You know better. And when you know better, you do better. Stop fucking around.

Suspenders. The first few guys who did this were admired; the rest of you should be ashamed.

Bow ties with short sleeved shirts. My eyes.

Fedoras. I might be able to excuse this if you’re wearing a suit. Might be. Then I get the whole Frank Sinatra/Don Draper vibe. But never with jeans. Hot tip: once Justin Timberlake wears something you need to accept that it’s over.

Unkempt beards. Cat Stevens did it, you’re not Cat Stevens, trim that shit.

Cuffed jeans. Cuffed jeans are only acceptable if you are wading in the ocean. Otherwise, un-cuff your goddamn pants.

What style trends for men bother you? Do you agree or disagree with my choices? Holla at me.