Tag Archives: friends

In Which “How I Met Your Mother” Nails Friendship

Mar

2014

friendship

How I Met Your Mother is so good at being “real life” sometimes. They’re wrapping up the series and in this particular episode, they show what happens to all of the minor and secondary characters, while The Kinks sing “Where Are They Now?” over an uninterrupted 3 minute shot of each character in their little setting with narration over it. Very Wes Anderson. And then the narrator finishes with this:

You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever.

And I went, “Oof.” Not out loud, but who knows, maybe it was out loud. I’m getting to that age where I’m less aware of what I say out loud. Which makes it sound like I’m getting to the age of 84. I am not.

But I am getting older, and I’m discovering some things about getting older that really suck. Things beyond having to use extra cash to buy boring shit like toothpaste. Things beyond worrying about paying bills, like some stupid country song you’d hear on the radio for 4 seconds because you changed the station too fast because it’s such a cliché. No, I mean things like that above quote from How I Met Your Mother.

It really is shockingly easy to part ways with people forever.

And I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Part of getting older is realizing that every relationship — even, if not especially, those you have with your friends — take work. You take your friendships for granted. You think they’ll always be there. Then somebody moves. Or goes to grad school. Or gets married. Or changes careers. And suddenly, no one has time for anyone anymore. And you become one of those thousands of people who say things like, “I’m sorry, I’m just swamped.” (Hint: do not EVER tell anyone you are “booked”. You are not a dentist’s office. You are a person. People cannot be booked. Got it? Good.)

You have no time for seeing your friends anymore, and they don’t have time to see you. You’ll go back and forth with calls and texts and emails and then one day you’ll finally catch up and it will be wonderful and you’ll say you have to do it again…and then you don’t. Ever. And then they move to New York or get married and maybe you’ll be invited and maybe you won’t, and that will be the end of it.

That’s just how it gets when you get older. And no one told me that. No one told me that when you get older, you have to work harder on your friendships. I don’t even know if I have a best friend anymore. I think those went the way of Lisa Frank stickers and Happy Meals — they faded into my youth. I’m just a boring adult who is struggling with work and money and being an adult.

So if I tell you I want to hang out with you, please, hold me to it. I’ll do my best, and I have anxiety about driving, but I’ll try real hard. Because the problem with forever is that it’s pretty damn permanent.

I miss you, Simone.

Photo by Nina Leen, 1950, via LIFE Photo Archives for Google.

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How to Make Friends After College

Dec

2013

Making friends in college isn’t hard compared to making them once you’re out of college (or are even just in your mid-late twenties.) I went to college with friends I went to high school with, so I thought we’d stay tight forever. Wow, was I wrong. But hey, these things happen. Friendships need work, just like any other relationship. And when you don’t put in the work, they wither, and yes, they can die.

So it was onto new friendships. But how would I make friends? It seemed impossible. And then I realized, the answer was in front of me the whole time.

The Internet!
Yes, the internet was more for just shopping for things I would never admit to buying on Etsy. It was for friend shopping, too. I’m going to tell you how to make friends with the help of the Internet. Here are your resources:

Your favorite blogs.

I made so many friends — real, actual friends — through blog networking. Some people commented that they loved my blog and I theirs, and we met up in person, and neither of us turned out to be crazy! Listen up though — I’m not suggesting that you send mass emails to all 50 of your favorite bloggers. I met up with lots of bloggers at a blogger conference. Yes, those exist! I went to the incredible Bloggers in Sin City, which sadly is no longer running. I almost didn’t go because the idea of meeting bloggers, people whose work I loved and read, to meet them, IRL, was scary! And what if they hated me? Or I hated them? I was stranded in Vegas! Wait, that sounds awesome. Thankfully, we all loved each other and now I have real friends, not just “internet friends.” (I even met some of my friends from — get ready for this — Livejournal. SSssshhhh.)

Facebook.

Yeah, you know Facebook? How it was originally meant to be a way for college kids to get to know each other? You can still use it that way. I’ve gotten friends through Facebook. A friend of a friend contacted me, told me she thought I was great, and would I let her buy me a drink? You’re goddamn right I would. And now we’re friends. If you met someone at a party and you both said, “We should hang out sometime”, find them on Facebook and suggest you actually hang out.

Let’s get offline for a sec. Where else can you meet people?

A class.

I don’t mean a college class, I mean an activity class. For example, I used to be into acting. I met people through acting classes that are now my friends, and they’ve (mostly) stayed with me longer than the horrible memories of some daft acting teachers, like the one who asked me in front of the entire class how old I was when I got my period (and no, it really didn’t have to do with ANYTHING, and even if it did, so not appropriate, lady!). Have you always wanted to take a knitting class? Do it! If you’re worried that everyone will be there with a group or their bestie, keep in mind there’s stragglers in every class who have no one. And sometimes, groups are very friendly and if they see you alone and you smile and say “hi”, they’ll invite you to join them.

If you’re perpetually shy, the Internet is really the best way to meet people. I’ve met people through all forms of the Internet, even Twitter!

Some tips when meeting your Internet buddy:

— Tell at least one person exactly where and when you’ll be meeting this person. Even if the person you tell isn’t within driving distance of you, it’s still good for someone to know exactly where you’ll be.

— Meet in a very public place.

— To avoid any awkwardness, have a set time that your “date” has to end. If you have work to do, let them know that you’re going to have to leave at ___o’clock so you can finish up work. Or maybe arrange something before an appointment. This helps avoid awkward goodbyes and gives you an out if the person is creepy and/or boring.

You may not be in college anymore but that doesn’t mean your days of making new friends are over. Far from it! Go to Facebook events. Say hi to people. Meet friends of friends. Be a little less shy. Not pushy, not weird, not intense, just a little less shy. It’s the first step towards doing anything, really.

Photo: Kim Novak by Eliot Elisofon, 1958 for LIFE magazine.
Reposted from The Gaggle.

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Flaking out on plans.

Dec

2012

We’ve all done it. We’ve all flaked out on someone. And we have our reasons, and some of them are good, and some of them are fake because we don’t actually want to say, “I have diabolical diarrhea.” But at a certain point, we all hit our limits. We say, “I get it, I’m never inviting you to anything again.” So how do we determine when that limit is?

I have some ideas:

1. They cancel, but with plenty of notice, and they have a good reason: they’re sick, or have a family thing. No problem.

2. They cancel, last minute, but it’s because they got into some sort of urgent situation or emergency. No problem.

3. They cancel, because they forgot they had other plans. Uh, okay.

4. They cancel in the sense that they don’t even really let you know until and hour or less before, or they don’t respond until you text something like, “Hey, are you coming?” Dude, not cool.

5. They do all of the above repeatedly. Oh come on, seriously?

6. They say yes to all invitations, sometimes add something like, “I’m so excited!” or “I wouldn’t miss this” but then and do the above repeatedly. STOP SAYING YES TO THINGS, YOU SODDING JERK.

Even more annoying is when they never tell you if they’re coming or not. It’s totally easy, here are your options: yes or no. If you say maybe, I don’t really know what to do with that, unless you explain something like, I have something before and I don’t know when it will be over. It’s not that I’m trying to dictate your plans or be an asshole about the whole thing, I just want to know how much food or drink I should provide or when I should get ready, or if I need to put in a plus one.

You all know who you are. And I know some of you think I’m a flake. But please know that if I don’t go to something, it’s because I am genuinely not feeling well, because I am sick all the time, like a small child in a Dickens novel, or I really do have plans.

Here’s an exception: if that person let’s you know well in advance that they can’t come and is sincerely sorry and is totally honest about their reasons, I wouldn’t give up on them. Who knows the kind of guff they’re dealing with or going through? I once didn’t go to a party because my dress didn’t fit. And neither did the 5 other ones I tried on. True story. Rather than say something like, “Cough cough, I’m sick” I told the truth, as stupid as that truth was, because that’s what you do for your friends.

What do you think?

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I guess we’re friends?

Nov

2012

On TV there’s always a group of friends who spontaneously meet up, or someone will call Tyler, and they’ll say, “Tyler, meet me at [whatever bar or coffee shop here]” and they hang up and don’t even give a time, and Tyler always shows up. And let’s not forget the ole drop-by. This happens a lot on “Beverly Hills, 90210” (the original). EVERYONE drops by Dylan’s house. I understand why TV writers do this. To show characters calling each other, or texting each other, is a lot less interesting than having them speak in person. But this trope gave me false hopes about what being an “adult” would be like. And by “adult,” I mean any cool, awesome chick from 18 – 30. From Clarissa Darling to Carrie Bradshaw. I thought that once I turned that magical adult age, I would have a close group of friends who would always be available to meet at “our” place or drop by unexpectedly.

I don’t think this is a real thing.

If you and people you know live in NYC (like the village or somewhere stupid in Brooklyn) or Los Angeles (in somewhere like Silverlake or Los Feliz or maybe even Venice) you can experience the magic TV moments of running into your friends at a nearby restaurant or other local joint. That’s why I like where I live now, even though I use to ruthlessly make fun of it all the time. I like being able to walk everywhere. I used to live in Manhattan and that was one of my favorite things, ever. To just get out of your studio apartment and walk. And see people. And things. And get hammered and take a taxi back or walk. Or if you’re really desperate, the subway. Yes, I can be quite an elitist jerk, don’t even bother pointing that out. I think that jeans and beer are for poor people. And if that shocks or upsets you, then I’m sorry. I’m like Patrick Bateman, but a woman, and with a lot less money and murders.

I think I have lots of friends. Maybe? It’s hard to tell. What’s a friend? Someone who goes to your bday party? Someone you don’t feel awkward having a one on one conversation with? Someone you know really well? I don’t really feel like I have a lot of close friends. But I have friends I can talk to. I wish I had a closely knit group, like the ones in “How I Met Your Mother” and “Friends.” But perhaps those don’t exist. At least not after college. But just once, I’d like to send out a mass text with, “MEET AT COOLBARWELIKEHERE at 9!” and everyone shows up, or at the very least, doesn’t ignore my text.

For more on friendship, read this old post: Friends.

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Gossip Girl?

Jun

2010

Sometimes I worry that I’m using my friends’ lives too much for my own material. And I couldn’t help but wonder (TM Carrie Bradshaw) how did Carrie blog when she was in a relationship? Wasn’t it easier when she was single?

“Definitely,” responded Molly. “It’s easier. That’s why people stay single. For comedy. Once I told a guy I couldn’t date him cause I had to be celibate to write good spec scripts.”

Then Molly pointed out that Carrie used her friends for her columns all the time. I always wondered about that. I wondered if Miranda or Charlotte ever phoned Carrie shouting, “What the hell were you thinking printing that my date always has to shower after having sex with me!” Maybe they just never read her column. Honestly, I don’t think they ever read her column.

And suddenly, I realized something (TM Carrie Bradshaw). I write as much about my friends’ dating lives as my own. Molly doesn’t mind. She says that’s just writing. That’s just how it works. But she’s also a writer so maybe she’s a little more tolerant. And I never name names. But where does one draw the line? Is there a line? I’m again going to take the opportunity to blame Facebook for something. But really, I think Facebook changed the way people think about sharing. Twitter, blogger, all of them contributed to this outpouring of feelings. We’re all sharing in some way.

What did Carrie’s boyfriends think of their appearances in her columns? I know that when Big read her book he felt terrible about how he treated her in the past. I bet Aiden read it and thought, “Whatever, Carrie” and threw it in his hand-carved fireplace. I should take this time to mention that I still haven’t seen the sequel so please don’t spoil SATC2 for me.

Speaking of Sex and the City it looks like I’m going to interview Jason Lewis, aka Smith Jarrod, tomorrow. Anyone got any questions they’d like me to ask him? Aside from, will you date me/marry me/etc me?

Summerboy — Lady Gaga

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A class.

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