living alone | APOCALYPSTICK

Dear comrades, it’s me, Uncle Almie, live in my apartment, and it looks like the Lion King spooky graveyard in here with just a touch of Hoarders. I fully admit that I completely suck at living alone, in the sense that I could be neater, I could be cleaner, I could be a lot more better to do good for me adult. I’m capable of being organized for other people. But for myself, I’m a mess. Let me break it down for you:

— Dishes. In the sink. On the counter. Everywhere. This is why I hate to cook. Because then I have to clean everything. I’m sure this is why lots of people hate to cook. I will let this shit sit for days. Then finally, I rationalize, “Look, you didn’t exercise today, and washing dishes burns calories, so just do it.” And yes, I have calculated how many calories I burn washing dishes. (It’s 53 calories for 26 minutes.)

— Laundry. At this point, I am giving away clothes because I can’t deal with having to put them in places and having to keep washing them. Oh, such problems, I know. I would rather throw everything away and just start over with 3 tee shirts, 5 dresses, and 1 pair of pants. I’m selling stuff. Mostly because I am stone cold broke, like a delicious milkshake, but the benefit is that it’s less clothes for me to wash.

— The fucking bathtub I hate you bathtub so much I can’t even, why don’t you drain, I’ve done everything for you, and why do you get dirty so quickly, why are you doing this to me, just drain, why won’t you just drain???

Really though the biggest issue is feeding myself. Some nights I completely surrender to Eat24, my favorite website in the world, and order in food. And I love them because we both hate having to wear pants. They make it their mission to keep you from having to put on pants in order to eat. I respect the hell out of that. My favorite thing to do is to eat a lot and then lie down. And they get that. Yes, I am a fangirl for a food delivery website. And I have no shame.

In fact, this post is brought to you by Eat24 and because we are all up in each others’ delicious love, they offering all Apocalypstick readers a coupon for a free appetizer or $5.00 off whatever you want! Just enter the code lypstick at checkout. For more info on coupons, click here. *some strings attached. The code is one use per account and expires on 9/30 at midnight.

I’m cooking a lot more than I used to, but sometimes it’s nice to just go home, order in, and watch the original Law & Order series, back when Rob Lowe and Vanilla Ice were just it. Do you guys cook more or order out/eat out more?

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Decorated by David Lynch.

I moved into my new apartment and started being a badass adult. Or maybe I’m just a bad ass. I am trying to figure this all out. There are still boxes everywhere and certain things remained unpacked and some walls are bare and it makes me anxious. And there are cords and wires everywhere from connecting various electronic necessities like Internet and television. I know, the horror. The struggle. The sleepless nights.

I don’t have a dining room table. I am okay with this. Do you have a dining room table? I don’t really dine. I eat. I haven’t started cooking yet. I keep threatening to do it, but I don’t. Do you cook? Does anyone out there lead a responsible life and can you tell me how I can do that too?

For now I am living alone and it’s good and it’s bad. I lived alone in college in NYC in a lovely little studio. I loved it, mostly. The great thing about New York is that you walk out of your building and there’s people and there’s people you know and you’re okay, everything is fine. Unless you hate people. Then you’re fucked, little sir. This is what I like about my new neighborhood. On Saturday I ran into the same guy twice. Once in the afternoon and once at night. At night it was in a restaurant (after my performance with Hello Giggles at UCB which I don’t really want to talk about because I am a perfectionist and wished I had done better. But that’s not important right now.) He was on a date and his mom was there. I think maybe it was not the best time to say hi. But I did. I am fearless. His mom and girlfriend are very nice. It’s nice when people are nice. It’s unpleasant when people are fake nice. But sometimes fake nice is better than being outright hostile.

My friend and new manager (yay!) says that my apartment is haunted. That would explain why the rent is good and why my landlord is so nice to me. I haven’t experienced any hauntings aside from when the record player started making noises like an alien spaceship in 1950s movies. I knew there was a logical explanation but I turned it off anyway.

Do you live alone and do you like it? And what does your apartment look like? Be honest with me. If it’s a mess I want to hear about every last beer can and pizza box.

This post was sponsored by U Move Free. Moving soon? UMoveFree complaints are few and far between. So, challenge accepted. Kidding.