men and women | APOCALYPSTICK

I asked my friend Tony, “Hey Tony. I know this is a big question, but what do guys really want? I know every man is different. But think broadly. What do guys want from a woman? For her to do or not do? You know?”

He said, “It really depends on the guy. And unfortunately, I’m so far off from most guys that I don’t know how well I can answer that.” And then, he asked me, “What do you want out of a boy? For him to do and not do?”

Here’s what I want.

“I want a boy to be honest, but there’s a difference from being honest and being blunt. To be honest is having your actions align with your words.

I like when boys don’t play games. By which I mean this: If you say something, you should mean it. Don’t say something and then do something else. Don’t act one way and then another. That’s a game to me.

I want men to be unafraid of doing new things or of looking silly.

I want men to understand that for you, it’s just a text, but for most women (NOT ALL, MOST, NOT ALL, MOST, UNDERSTAND?) we dissect texts and take them apart and over-interpret them. Similarly, we worry when you don’t text at all. We think, “What have I done wrong?” I guess my point is that, keep in mind that communcation via any medium is important.

I want men to know that we’re way less complicated than you think we are. We just want to know that we’re valued and that we mean something to you. We’re not asking you to marry us, or commit to us immediately, or try to trap you into a relationship. That’s not what I’m saying. We just want to know that you like us. That you recognize we’re people with feelings like yours. It’s always nice to feel appreciated. We know we can go a little overboard with reading into things and seeing signs that aren’t there. But we do it because we feel like you’re not giving us enough. Maybe that’s because men aren’t trained to show emotion. But we like a little emotion.

I want men to know that we hate games too. We really do!!! We don’t want to have to play them. But when we text you and you don’t text back, we suddenly think, oh, now I have to do the whole, let me just disappear thing so he’ll want me again. It doesn’t even matter that it isn’t logical, and in most cases, isn’t even correct (people are busy! people don’t think texting is as important as you do! And so on!) I think that in the same way men are trained not to show emotion, women are trained to try to trap a man. I don’t feel this way. None of my friends do. This is of an older generation. But we’re still faced with books like, “Why Men Love Bitches” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” and suddenly we panic and think, “Well wait, why ISN’T he into me? HOW DO I CHANGE IT??” That’s why there’s an entire industry based on relationship books.

It all comes down to one thing, and it’s one thing that works for both men and women: be kind, be honest, and don’t be a dick.”

(And be hot and good in bed. If not hot, then at least good.)

Men: what do you want from women?

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You know that awkward moment when the line you gave someone else is now the line that’s being given to you? Ouch, that smarts! Maybe it’s not an exact line, but a routine. That thing you do where instead of saying that you really want to say, you say something far, far more neutral. And you’ve done it, so you know what it looks like, and thus when someone does it to you, it’s a special sort of mindfuck.

It’s so hard, you know? It’s so hard to just “be yourself” but without being your fully realized annoying self. If I was really being myself I would say exactly what was on my mind and what I wanted to happen and how I really feel about Wes Anderson, or whatever is supposed to matter. In the beginning of anything, a new job, a new relationship — friendship or otherwise — don’t you just want to sit that person down and say, “Okay, here is where I want this to go and here’s what I think and feel about you, so let’s not waste each others’ youth here”? I know I do. But that kills the fun of it, apparently.

So we don’t do that. We do what we’re supposed to do. If we’re not interested, we’re nice anyway. If we are interested, we mute our interest. So because of this, it’s hard to tell who is sincere anymore and who isn’t. Especially since the majority of our interaction comes from texting. Women are stellar at taking apart text messages, like we’re excavating a tomb, trying to find the hidden meaning in everything, leaving nothing undiscovered. For example: “Me too” — I could take that apart in six different ways. Logically, I know that that’s insane. I know that the only thing to read there is two words, and anything else is something I’m making up. Pure fiction.

I don’t want to do this. I really don’t. So let’s not, okay? We’re all in this together. Can we all agree to drop the pretense or is that too frightening? Let’s figure something out.

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What I want from men.

Young man, are you listening to me?

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