I wonder who would go to my funeral if I died. Legit dead. Water skiing accident. I don’t know how to water ski, hence the death. It kind of bums me out that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband who would show up to mourn. I know, I know, this is lame-ass or even ass-lame. No one I’ve ever dated would show up either. I don’t even know how they would hear about it. I guess my friends know that if I’ve gone a few days without tweeting, something’s wrong. I think I need to fake my death and then right when everyone has shown up and is very sad, I would pop out of a cake. Are there cakes at funerals? I want a cake at mine. Just wheel out a big fake cake instead of a casket and I’ll just pop out smiling like Debbie Reynolds. And then I wonder, will people actually be relieved to see that I’m not dead? Or would someone think, “Damn, so close”? I need a mortal enemy. All good bloggers have a mortal enemy. There are people on YouTube who tell me I’m ugly, does that count? Then there are people on Vyou who insist that I am a man and that I should, “Punch myself in the dick.” Let me tell you, internets, if I had a dick first thing I would do is punch it, just for giggles. Just to see what happens.

So anyway, I’m dead and I wonder, how long would that novelty last? I think people are finally over Heath Ledger’s death and he was a legit celeb. My death would make people sad for…I don’t even know if I could wrangle a month. Sure, my family would be sad, but my family is sad anyway. I just want a boyfriend to cry in the rain, chasing a cat, tearing his shirt off, screaming for me. I think I deserve that much.

Wait this cute guy just sat down next to me at Starbucks. That’s encouraging. Should I ask him if he would pretend to be sad when I died? Like exchange numbers so that when I die he shows up and tells everyone that he’s my secret lover? Would that work? I need a fake secret lover pact. But only with someone hot.