Jan

5

2011

The Time I Blew It With That Actor.

I’m in a fashion shoot!! Whaaaaat??!! Check out the latest issue of Genlux!

Recently I got the chance to meet That Actor from this popular cable TV show. And I completely blew it.

Here’s how: vodka gimlet + two Moscow mules + approximately three shots of vodka + talking to That Actor = my own personal Titanic.

I watched his show occasionally but I mostly remembered him from this wonderful little indie movie he did when I was in college. I thought it would be a great idea to talk to him, never mind the fact that I was drunker than Ulysses S. Grant when he won the Civil War.

Neither of us knew who the guy was who the guy was who introduced us. Basically I grabbed this guy who was flirting with me and said, “INTRODUCE ME TO [THAT ACTOR] OVER THERE.” And he did, but for all I know he could have said, “Hi, I’m with the FBI, this crazy girl wants to kill you, I’m just going to need you to pretend to engage her so we can stand by ready with our guns.”

What did we talk about? I have no idea. I can barely remember. I know that I talked about Arby’s. Why? I have no fucking idea. I’ve never been to Arby’s. Maybe I have a secret deep passion for Arby’s and I’m hoping that one day I tell this to the right person who exclaims, “ME TOO!” and all will be well. Who the fuck knows.

I remember he told me that he liked my necklace. I said, “I think it would look good with your outfit,” and promptly pulled it off of my head. I then went to put it around his head and said, I swear to god, “I think your head is too big for this.” I told him I wanted to burn down the decorative swimming pool in front of us. I may have made a “That’s what she said” joke. I said, a few times, “Wait, can we start over? I’m Almie” and shook his hand (on the bright side, he sure didn’t forget my name by the end of the night….if that’s a bright side.) I told him, I’m not crazy. (Which is really great, that’s how you really convince people you’re not crazy, you know, by putting that idea into their heads in the first place. That’s like if a cute little ten-year-old-girl came up to you and said, “I’m not evil.” You would think, “Holy shit, this girl is evil.”) He said I didn’t need to say that. Then, to officially claim my place as the biggest loser of all time, I told him my story about how my friend interviewed him in college and how that should have been me and how he owes me an interview. He asked what for. I said, “My blog!” and gave him my card. He asked what my blog was about. I think I said, “Dating, living in LA, and feeling awkward kind of like this.” I joked about my card, saying that the “actress” description under my name was “theoretical.” He was a complete gentleman this entire time. I don’t know why he didn’t immediately get up and say, “Excuse me…I have to go stand over there…now” and leave. Maybe he thought I was entertaining in an R2-D2 kind of way. Like, oh look at it beeping! Look at its lights! Look at it spinning! Neat!

At one point someone tore him away for a press photo and he told me it was his boss and he would be back. My friend swooped in, said we had to go because she was tired, and I said OK and then teetered off to the bathroom. When I came back, the glaring brightness of the bathroom lights clashed with the darkness of the club and I couldn’t see a fucking thing. I put on my glasses. I think black glasses work really well with a little black dress and vintage necklace, and fuck whoever disagrees, I’m awesome. I wanted to say goodbye to That Actor, and at least I knew this time I could see him, and who knows when I would see him again.

I found him and said goodbye. He told me he didn’t recognize me with my glasses on. I think I may have shouted, “YEAH, GLASSES!” and high-fived him, but I can’t be sure. However I’m pretty sure that once again, for the love of God, I talked about Arby’s. He told me to get in touch with his people regarding the interview and I said something like, “Pssshh, you have my card, you get in touch with me.”

First impressions are everything. When guys meet me, in any situation, they either think I’m a manic pixie dreamgirl, like Annie Hall meets Ellen Paige meets every girl who works at a vintage store in Brooklyn, or they think I’m the manic crazy sullen girl who stands outside of 7-11s shouting at some guy named Brian or Jimmy. I can’t control that. But I think everyone needs to know that I am never that drunk. Earlier in the night I was absolutely charming. We all go a little mad sometimes. Actually, quoting a line from “Psycho” is probably not my best defense. Putting this on the internet may not be my best defense. But I think it’s a pretty great story about how really all we need to be is ourselves. We don’t need to get drunk. We are good the way we are. We have nothing to prove.

Though I have to say I’ve been dating This Guy right now who finds my drunken shenanigans “hilarious/adorable” so maybe it’s all about finding the person who not only accepts your awkwardness, but gives it a high-five.

Now please tell me your personal tales of drunken destruction.

If You Want It — TV Girl

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Posted in: celebrities, dating, party

{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }

Nicole January 5, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Alcohol once gave me the determination to blow up an entire air mattress with my mouth. Then I passed out. Destructive or biblical?

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Allyson January 6, 2011 at 9:17 am

Biblical. I’m thoroughly impressed, air mattresses are tough!

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Linnie January 5, 2011 at 7:14 pm

My roommate and I had gotten so drunk that we hadn’t even realized we made asses of our selves and had to be told this through email by our downstairs neighbors who just so happen to be 5 attactive males. This was in the email he sent the next day.

“Special props to Sarah and Linnie for stumbling drunk into the
downstairs and having a conversation with me encompassing Red Dead
Redemption, McFadden’s, Sign of the Whale, their impending party, and
my ineptitude and having chosen Red Dead over Sign of the Whale.
Power moves as usual, girls ;)

We are classy people in D.C.

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Danee Liz January 5, 2011 at 7:25 pm

LOVE THIS POST! As for the drunken destruction, I once got this e-mail:

oh heyyy!!!
Im a little surprised to hear from you… but Im glad i did :)
I just got back from a massive two day party..
infact… i cant really see right now.. im having a little trouble typing! hahaha
i dont think i should be writing right now.. arg this is so hard
..im actually typing with one eye shut…
okay… im goin ro go and get some sleepc( you have no idea how long it;s taken to even type this) HAHA!
i hope you met upw wirh autie lou karth,,,
right,, have to go.. far too drunk to be messgaing you…
bye bye bye bye bye
mis mis mis you

p:s..
,,must try and stop using the word “snap”… no one gets it!! hahahha!

One day and seven hours later, I get another e-mail:

OMG!!!!?????!!!
I was browsing through my sent emails and was like ‘WHATTTT??..when did I email Danee????’
I’m not kidding… I have no recollection of emailing you AT ALL!! haha!
Jeeze… I’m must have been soooo drunk!
I emailed you at like 3:50am.. but I really don’t remember doing it! so weird!!! That entire period is a complete blank!
My god, I even typed like I was drunk.. hahaha!
dear oh dear (shake head)

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KitKat January 5, 2011 at 9:52 pm

This has nothing to do with anything, but I thought you would enjoy this:
http://img51.imageshack.us/img51/3194/fireflyandmadmencopy.jpg

Cheers!

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Allyson January 5, 2011 at 10:05 pm

One of my more recent disasters involved me waking up in a strange bed, in a strange room, completely naked — with no one else around me. The room was a complete mess and I could not find my clothes at all. So I wrapped the blanket around me like I was the Virgin Mary (clearly not virginal, though) and tip toed out in the hall. Didn’t recognize the apartment, saw no one. I was about to open one of the doors to see if anyone was in there when a guy (who I am friends with but who I really, really would have rather not slept with because he’s conceited enough as it is) came out of the bathroom from the shower and hissed, “What are you doing? That’s my brother’s room. Are you naked? Oh my god. Get back in bed.” Then we had morning sex because at that point, why not.

Also I apparently regularly throw temper tantrums demanding McDonald’s Crispy Chicken sandwiches when I’m drunk, but I feel that this is understandable because they are delicious.

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Tori January 6, 2011 at 7:44 am

Almie, I hate to be the one to say this, but THE ACTOR DIDN’T (quote) “immediately get up and say, “Excuse me…I have to go stand over there…now” and leave” BECAUSE YOU’RE HOT AND HE LOVES YOU.

I KNOW, THE TRUTH HURTS!!!

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 11:57 am

Bwuahahaa, somehow I don’t think this is the case.

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mookie January 6, 2011 at 11:55 am

try having punched bob barker in the head on your list of drunken antics. :/

(he was at my school hosting a campus event)

……..and thats just what i’m not too ashamed to own up to……

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 11:58 am

ADAM SANDLER I LOVE YOUR WORK!!!!

No wait though is this a real story?? If so I’m going to need more details.

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mookie January 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm

ugh, i wish the story was better, but basically i got drunk off my head at a campus event, and went to go puke over a storm drain (i’m a tidy drunk). he saw me and started laughing. i started shouting STOP LAUGHING AT ME….while throwing up. which made him laugh harder. i’m not sure exactly how it went down, but i managed to make it over to where he was and hit him in the head.

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 12:37 pm

OK not like this is a contest or anything BUT THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER.

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d January 6, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I was drunk as shit when I met James Iha standing in line behind me and my GF at the time. She insisted she introduce us, but I told her I was too drunk and nervous (this was during my Warner days so I never really got nervous about meeting celebs, but this was the guitarist from my favorite band of all-time and I was self-conscious). I met him and fumbled though a short conversation.

Later in the night he found his way to a bar stool next to me and the GF, I had sobered up considerably at this point and we managed to engage in lengthy and pleasant conversation about all kinds of subject matter.

The moral of the story is this: don’t worry about blowing it, if the universe wants it to happen then you can save face with a second encounter. If not, then you have a funny story like when Avril Lavigne threw many potato chips at me in a deli for fun and I told her I hated her music but she gave me an autograph for my little sister anyway.

d

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Eryca January 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm

So, on new years I was at the same party as my ex and I got really drunk really fast, and told him that with his new glasses, he looks like Stanley Tucci in the Lovely Bones……

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Rahul January 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm

This was the greatest episode of the Chris Farley show ever.

“Remember that one time you gave an interview and said all that stuff and that interviewer was supposed to be me?
“Yeah”
“THAT WAS AWESOME!”

Living in LA we all do this. One time I told Christina Ricci that she had nice fingertips. She said “nails?” I said, “Potato , Nail-tato! Am I right or am i right?”

Didn’t go as planned.

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 12:38 pm

“Remember that one time you gave an interview and said all that stuff and that interviewer was supposed to be me?
“Yeah”
“THAT WAS AWESOME!”

AHAHAHAHA BASICALLY.

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Jazzy Gazzy January 6, 2011 at 12:56 pm

This is sad because I wasn’t even drunk. I was at an SNL afterparty and had just walked into this bar/restaurant/lounge — whatever, it was some bourge-douche place on the UWS. I look up to try and find someone and across the room I see Amy Poehler and Will Arnett having giggles with Judd Fucking Apatow aka the Freaks and Geeks holy grail (along with Paul Feig). The rest of my evening was spent in a haze of ADD conversations with my peripheral vision wandering to see where Apatow was and if he was approachable. Except when I was talking to Seth Rogen, which is a conversation I basically stumbled into (still not drunk) and didn’t realize he was in until halfway through, and then my brain was all “Ken Miller high school crush KEEP IT TOGETHER DON’T SAY STUPID THINGS.” I’m pretty sure I did. Anyway, finally it’s like 2:30 in the morning and most people have already gone off to the after-after party. I see Apatow standing with this guy, and they’re in the middle of that awkward moment when you’ve been talking to someone at a party and your conversation is pretty much over but you haven’t found an excuse to bail yet. So they’re just sort of both facing the other end of the room, not even each other, and pretending to be fascinated by the sight of the the half-empty dark bar. And something in my brain goes off, like in cartoons when one character pokes the other in the ass with a pin and they lunge forward? And I go up to him and just tap him on the arm and introduce myself and he’s got this look on his face like “oh great, a new friend – not.” I proceed to complement him at length over Freaks and Geeks and its genius, and he actually seemed happy and excited (because who wouldn’t be, it’s Freaks and Geeks). I remember he said “you know, if you like F&G, you should check out Undeclared” and responding “OMG I LOVE UNDECLARED” like I was talking to some new friendcrush I met at the sock hop and we’ve found yet another commonality that reinforces the knowledge that we’re totes soulmates. I think he was just kind of confused because instead of pitching some brilliant script idea, all I wanted to talk about was that I thought he was awesome so finally he was like “well uh… thanks. I don’t really know what else to say.” I said “that’s all you have to say” in this super profound way, gave him a big smile, shook his hand, and went back to my friends’ table. I think the only thing more awkward than the conversation was my insistence on pretending there was no awkwardness at all. And the sentence “everything I’ve written has been inspired by you,” which I’m sure wasn’t creepy or stalkerish at all.

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Aahahahaa!! WAIT THOUGH WAS THIS THE SAME PARTY WHERE JON HAMM DRUNKENLY CAME UP TO YOU AND COMPLIMENTED YOUR NECKLACE/BOOBS? BECAUSE IF SO THAT MORE THAN MAKES UP FOR THIS.

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Jazzy Gazzy January 6, 2011 at 1:18 pm

No, that was another SNL after-party, which ended way way better because, like you said, Jon Hamm. Though he didn’t exactly come up to me. Whatever. The point is, JON HAMM

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Emma Aubry January 6, 2011 at 4:47 pm

So rather than becoming drunk besties with a celebrity (by the way, your refusal to name-drop is just mean), I got drunk with MY besties and BECAME a celebrity! AKA my friends and I were forever canonized as literary villains in Chicken Soup for the Soul as an evil clique who forced an innocent freshman to drink an appletini on a school night. Simultaneously horrifying and awesome. One MIGHT be able to find a copy of the story on BeliefNet (!) if they were to Google “Chicken Soup Wednesdays Hannah Greene.” I mean, maybe.

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes: I will sign your copy.

All I can say in my defense is that when I was young, it was considered an ACT OF KINDNESS when upperclassmen offered you alcohol, and GODDAMMIT, PEOPLE, VOLDEMORT JUST NEEDED TO BE LOVED, OKAY?

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Holy shit, I also star in a Chicken Soup for the Soul Story!! My mom wrote it about me and it appears in the 3rd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul. It’s titled “Almie Rose” !!!!!!

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Emma Aubry January 6, 2011 at 5:04 pm

WHAT. I die. So good. Except you get to be the saintly, altruistic child while I am the Gretchen Weiners of Northwestern University (I didn’t even get a code name…RUDE). Let’s co-write a Chicken Soup story about how hard it is to be the victim of a Chicken Soup story.

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 5:05 pm

YES. I am going to do a blog post on this sometime in the near future. Prepare for an email asking for your side of the story!!!!

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Emma Aubry January 6, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Love it.

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K January 6, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Once, I got drunk and had a threesome. It was awesome, and helped me discover my bisexuality.

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Tony Archer January 6, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Once, I was drunkenly chatting up this girl who was trying to get me to guess what she majored in (since making drunk people guess things is always way more fun than just telling them and continuing a normal conversation), so I proceeded to name every completely ridiculous major I could think of until I finally got a laugh out of her when I said “Oceanography?”. So things were going great and we were comparing our Saved By The Bell trivia knowledge (always a hit with the ladies) and then I drunkenly blurt out “You know, you look a lot like Winona Ryder except you don’t seem like a total bitch. That’s cool because Winona Ryder is hot. Whatchernameagain?”
She replies, with a very stern face “Winona”.
My eyes get wide as the realization of that had just transpired fully hits me, and all I can muster is “So you aren’t an oceanography major?”
And THAT is how to properly strike out with a childhood crush. Next up, Jennifer Connelly.

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Oh. My. God.

This might be the winner.

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Tony Archer January 6, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Fun Fact: This is also the only time in the history of all dating that I’ve ever gotten a laugh out of that “oceanography” joke. But at least it worked on Winona Ryder, right?

In retrospect, that bitch made me waste 117 minutes of my life on a movie about a quilt, so it’s probably better that we aren’t together with me holding a lifetime grudge against her.

Also, I’ve never eaten at Arby’s either, but I’ve been strangely fascinated with them ever since the day when I realized that “Arby’s” is a stylized way of saying “R.B.’s” or “Roast Beefs”. I think the day that I realized that was the day that I became a man.

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tawniethetiger January 7, 2011 at 2:39 am

oh my god i love you.

hahahahahahaaaaaaa.

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Tony Archer January 7, 2011 at 2:44 am

Clearly you are drunk, madam. Fortunately, I like that in a woman.

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Jefferson Robbins January 6, 2011 at 9:32 pm

“I think your head is too big for this.”

I’m gonna take a wild stab … Van Der Beek?

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Almie Rose January 6, 2011 at 9:34 pm

LOL no but good guess!!

I actually saw James Van Der Beek at a club once. His head seemed totally proportional.

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tawniethetiger January 7, 2011 at 2:43 am

im thinking that even if i guess correctly…that youre not going to confirm that im right.

my guess is jason schwartzman…only because i met him once after a phantom planet show (shut up almie!! i can hear you laughing at me now. ooh well… i used to love them! and at one point in time they were the awesome-est!) and he was just the sweetest thing ever. the kinda guy who shakes your hand with both of his hands and remembers your name long enough to say “well it was a pleasure meeting you, tawnie.” soooooooo sweet!! thats my guess.

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Almie Rose January 7, 2011 at 11:02 am

Based on my scant clues, that’s a really good guess!! It’s not him though.

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tawniethetiger January 8, 2011 at 3:07 am

well ill pat myself on the back for at least a good guess.

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me January 17, 2011 at 3:12 pm

It’s soo him!

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Ahnis January 7, 2011 at 7:56 am

While a friend of a friend was ordering a drink I told him he was a jerk. He said, “No I’m not” without looking at me (and in what I perceived to be a mocking tone) so I grabbed his face, turned it towards me and demanded he look at me. When I had his attention I repeated , “YES YOU ARE, YOU’RE A JERK. YOU’RE SUCH A JERK.” Then I released his face and went back to my drink.

Leave it to me to get physical with an acquaintance.

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MJ January 8, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Adrian Grenier.

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Almie Rose January 8, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Nope!

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MJ January 9, 2011 at 10:12 am

Dammit

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Emilia January 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

0mg was it Justin Bieber?!?!???!?!?!?!? L0L

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Almie Rose January 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Oh baby, baby, baby, no!

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Jazzy Gazzy January 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Scarlet Johanson!

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Almie Rose January 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

YES. YES IT WAS SCARLETT JOHANSSON. DESPITE ALL THE CLUES, IT’S HER. GOOD JOB!

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Jazzy Gazzy January 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Sweet. Do I get a gold star?

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Almie Rose January 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

You get a gold PLANET.

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Gabriella January 10, 2011 at 11:12 pm

I have no idea why I keep thinking Danny Masterson hahah. Is the show still running? I NEED TO GUESS.

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Almie Rose January 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm

It’s not him!

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GirlfromHK January 11, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Offtopic: Almie, did you see “Somewhere” and what did you think of it? I just saw it tonight and really wanted to like it more than I did…sigh

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Almie Rose January 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm

I haven’t! Is that the one with Carey Mulligan?

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GirlfromHK January 12, 2011 at 8:05 pm

nope it’s the new sofia coppola one with stephen dorff and elle fanning http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3cPbxCBGVo

though i would almost advise against watching the trailer because it raises expectations….

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Emmy January 20, 2011 at 8:15 am

Uh…this really hurts my heart BUT….I had once spent months engaged in a witty email love affair with a dreamy prolific journalist. We’re both Europe/US based and after um, 8 months or so of composing outrageously funny and charming emails, finally we arranged to meet up in Paris – both taking a friend along as an airbag. Clearly I have exceptionally poor taste in friends as we got blindingly drunk before they arrived. The night went from horror to horror…I rambled incessantly, went to the bathroom and fell over (pulling the hand-dryer off the wall in the process and banging my head), etc. The night I spent 8 damn months on, ended with him taking me back to my apartment, making me drink water, while I bellowed about wanting a sandwich.

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Casey January 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I’m going to guess that “The Actor” was Zach Braff… What do I win?!?

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Almie Rose January 31, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I wouldn’t hit on Zach Braff unless there was a stick involved.

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hill January 31, 2011 at 7:59 pm

last week my friend from work and i went to get drinks after our shift. earlier that week i told him that gin and tonic makes me angry and that no one in my family is allowed to drink it because it makes us destructive/terrible people. of course he thought it was funny to buy me gin and tonic after i was highly intoxicated. i woke up with a veggie burger on my pillow, a shoe next to my head and no memory of ANYTHING from the night before. i went outside to my car to drive to work and noticed the side was scraped and the mirror was bent back…anyway i go to work and my friend said i got kicked out of the bar for throwing oranges at the bartender..came back in and asked for “a shot of jack before i have to drive home” and well, they didnt give me the shot of jack.

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hill January 31, 2011 at 8:01 pm

ryan gosling?

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Almie Rose January 31, 2011 at 9:23 pm

This guess is really far off, but I appreciate the participation!

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Kyle February 1, 2011 at 6:39 am

Shawn Hatosy? TV Show = Southland; Indie Movie = Outside Providence.

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Apocalypstick February 1, 2011 at 6:53 am

I don’t know who that is, but it def a good train of thought.

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hill February 1, 2011 at 6:05 pm

balllss why do i wanna know so badly?

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Almie Rose February 2, 2011 at 4:27 pm

It’s really not worth it, it’s not some HUGE celeb like Dave Amato.

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chill February 2, 2011 at 11:59 am

Adam Scott

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Almie Rose February 2, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Nope. I know he’s married.

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me February 2, 2011 at 4:51 pm

was it me?

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Almie Rose February 2, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Where did we meet and what did my necklace look like?

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Me February 2, 2011 at 6:17 pm

we met at Arbys and your necklace was a curly fry. You were drunk.

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Almie Rose February 2, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Wrong. I was looking for the name of the venue where I drunkenly went up to the dude.

I know you’re kidding.

But still. I’ve never been to Arby’s I thought I made that clear in this post.

GOSH

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Jason February 23, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Was it Topher Grace?

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aggressivelyawkward December 9, 2011 at 11:28 am

“Maybe it’s all about finding the person who not only accepts your awkwardness, but gives it a high-five.”

Somehow stumbled upon your blog after a break up last night and read that and couldn’t agree more. I refuse to refrain from being awkward, or occasionally drunk, or awkward and simulatenously drunk. Though, I don’t think I could prevent such moments if I tried. But that being said I think I’ll keep my drunk girl antics and awkward moments.

Hopefully someone high-fives me for it one day. Til then, I will continue to read Apocalypstick and laugh controllably, drink Stoli and keep being awesomely awkward.

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Almie Rose December 12, 2011 at 5:09 pm

hey, thank you so much! I’ll toast to that. Cheers!

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Rubi August 11, 2013 at 2:29 pm

I had creepy/ nice encounter with my dream celeb man two weeks ago. I was creepy and didn’t know what to say or how to act. Lucky for me he was a doll and could not have been any nicer or sweeter. (Seriously I need to have a root canal now because of his sweetness). I even tweeted him the next day apologizing for my creepy dumb-founded-ness and he was even nice about that! Geeze! I seriously felt bad about my encounter until I read this, now I feel like I need to have this encounter for myself. You need to be drunk like this for when we meet at a bar or something. Come on Almie!

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