The wedding trap.

pattie boyd and george harrison

Oh look we're all happy and shit now but then I'm going to leave my amazing husband for his shitty friend Eric Clapton which is the stupidest decision because who leaves George Harrison but damn do I love your wedding outfits.

It’s happening, comrades. My friends are getting engaged. Dear diary. As of this point in my life, I’ve had friends of friends get engaged, and friends of yore get engaged, but one of my best friends, my friend since kindergarten (that’s like, 20 years) is engaged, and that’s real. That’s a direct friend. That’s not like, oh, Lula Mae from Facebook that I had two classes with in college and saw her last year at a Brooklyn party and we spoke for twenty minutes, no. This is real. This is life.

I’ve blogged about marriage before. Here I am going mad over Will & Kate’s wedding. Here I am going on about how I want a wedding but not a marriage. And here’s a controversial post where I explain why I think you’re a jerk if you don’t give your guests a +1 to your wedding. You don’t need to read those first but if you want to, they open in a new window for your enjoyment, so have at it. Oh, one more. In this post, I explain why the marriage system should be like renting a car. There.

I am so thrilled for my friend. I am deliriously excited for her. I, of the Pinterest board “Wedding Insanity.” Because I really, really do love weddings. And I love people who are in love and want to get married. I just fear it for myself. It’s a trap. And the trap is the party. The dress. The food. The attention. That party is to me what mousetraps are to mice. But there’s no cheese before my sudden end. Only marriage. That frightens me.

Things change after marriage, they do. Having not been married, I do not know exactly what changes, but I’ve heard the experiences from those wiser than I, and I have some common sense, so my idea is that after marriage, you’ve gone from Oz back to Kansas. You’re muted. You’re so happy to be home with your Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, but the days of munchkin lands and yellow brick roads and trippy poppy fields are behind you now. Your new life is in that farm, with a family. Even if you don’t have children, you’re still a unit.

Children. I do not want children. That is a different post.

I want to be in love. I want someone to be in love with me. I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said, “Do not fall in love with a man who doesn’t make you feel like the most awesome, incredible, baddest bitch on the block.” Those of course weren’t his exact words, but the sentiment was the same. If I had that, and if I had money (because I think it’s just stupid to get married if you’re poor, but that’s another post), then I could do it, I could go to Kansas.

But for now I’ll stay in Oz and screw around with brainless scarecrows and heartless tin men and cowardly lions while wearing fabulous shoes instead.

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40 thoughts on “The wedding trap.

  1. Jenny

    God, who DOES leave George Harrison? But then again, bitch inspired “Something” and “Bell Bottom Blues,” so…I guess Pattie Boyd was on a different level.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I think I hate her so much because of how jealous I am. Who the fuck meets a Beatle as an extra on the set of their movie, marries him, inspires his best work, then leaves him for another rock legend?

      Sigh.

    2. Anonymous

      Hang on!! George Harrison wasn’t an amazing husband at all! He was a drug-fuelled, chanting womaniser. The last straw for Pattie was when she caught him in THEIR bed with Ringo’s wife Maureen!!

  2. Annie

    I know comadre! But your time will come, or probably it is just a protocole that we follow unconsciously, getting married is not the goal, the goal is to be happy :)

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      “getting married is not the goal, the goal is to be happy” YES. I have been saying this for a long time. Perhaps this will be another post.

  3. Kaitlin

    damnit, i can’t even begin to write a comment about this post. this stuff consumes my thoughts. our generation will either not get married and get judged by our elders or conservative peers, or we will get married and FAIL and kick ourselves for sticking ourselves in the same ideals that our parents and grandparents did. this subject really stresses me out.

  4. Project 305

    Jeez, I hate marriage and weddings. I’m 31, single, and openly do not give a fuck. Yet, whenever I go to a wedding or birthday party some slick relative ALWAYS comments “So when is Proj getting married?”

    Go on and play in the poppy fields before you hop on the Wizard’s balloon back to Kansas, if there even is a Kansas worth living for.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Ughhhhh I’m not at that age yet I hadn’t even thought of that. Bad enough, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” “Do you have a steady job yet?” etc etc.

      1. Project 305

        You’re 25-ish, right? That sounds exactly what I heard at that age. Trust me, once you break 30, the pressure really clamps on. Babies, bridal showers, bachelor parties…it’ll get so bad, you won’t be able to tell the difference between mimosas and orange juice.

        This post is golden, I’m gonna share it. It’s gonna be a sigh of relief for a few of my friends who are either rushing for the altar or avoiding it like the plague. You hit a homerun here, Almie. Bravo!

  5. Leah

    Welcome to my life ever since before I graduated college three years ago. I went to a small Christian college, where the running joke is that women go there to get their MRS Degree. (Get it?) Every summer brings a new wave of weddings and every holiday season brings a new wave of engagements. And I’m still single. IT’S SO DUMB.

    Not that I’m starting to get bitter about it or anything.

    Also, a million times yes about George Harrison. What a bitch. No one should leave George Harrison.

  6. B

    I have not been married. I lived with my (ex)boyfriend for three years though, which I think is kind of like being married, except without the fancy party, vows, and pretty ring. Based on information I’ve culled from personal experience, observation of others, and consumption of various forms of media, my idea of relationships is that if you are with the same person for long enough, things change. With or without marriage, eventually you leave Oz and end up in Kansas together. I know Oz is really fun and trippy and exciting, but Kansas has its own benefits.

    Marriage to me means life-long commitment, always having someone to rely on, stability, working together for the happiness of both parties, and always choosing your partner over anyone else. Divorce should not be an option. Unfortunately, I do not think many people are as serious about marriage as they should be. It seems as though very few people are actually on board with this whole life-long commitment thing. And why bother trying to work through issues in your relationship together when you could take the easier option of getting a divorce? If it were easy to stay together, people would stay together.

    I don’t see the point in getting married when it seems so few people actually value marriage. I don’t want to marry only to be divorced.

    My ex didn’t like being in Kansas with me. He wanted to fuck around in Oz forever. He cheated on me. In fact, he said that he doesn’t believe that “love” can last more than a couple of years. I said, “So what do you think you’re going to do, just get a new girlfriend every two years until you die? Good luck.”

  7. Greg

    One of my best friends from grade school got married on August 4th; the other one, whom I’ve known since I was six months old, is getting married September 14th, so I definitely know where you’re coming from. And I’m actually one of those people who *does* want to get married–I think it would be an adventure, just a different sort of adventure. But the other weddings start to hint at time ticking away…

  8. lindseyintechnicolour

    To be fair, George Harrison screwed around on Pattie A LOT when they were married. I advise reading her book “Wonderful Tonight”. There was a guitar battle for her love. But anyway, brilliant post.

      1. Anonymous

        Although not at a party. It was Ringo’s wife in Pattie & George’s bed. It was the last straw for Pattie :)

  9. SMR

    I would like to start by saying I read your blog all the time and never comment, but I really enjoy everything about it.

    This post really got me thinking, and having FB reposted it and watched it circulate quite a bit I can see that I’m not the only one who was intrigued.

    Likewise, this was a summer with a billion weddings for my group of friends, my wedding being one of them. For my single friends, this article seems to have really captured how they feel anxious about the prospect of getting married and growing bored. As my good friend put it “I have never met anyone I didn’t get bored of after a year”. Despite my being hitched and all, I can see how this is a horrific thought… to commit to something that ends up boring the hell out of you.

    On the other hand, and as I final comment, I like to believe that on rare occasion, you meet someone who can still make even tiresome old Kansas feel like Oz. Maybe not everyday of the week, but often enough that marriage ends up meaning something far deeper than just the wedding.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      First, this: “This post really got me thinking, and having FB reposted it and watched it circulate quite a bit I can see that I’m not the only one who was intrigued.”

      Really??? I had no idea it was going around.

      Secondly, that’s a big fear of mine: boredom as an inevitability. That’s scary. And I agree with your point that marriage really SHOULD be deeper than the wedding. But hopefully you get there before you get bored.

      Oh I don’t know.

        1. katrina

          Oh lord. you are so right. so when you meet someone who doesn’t bore you, marry the fuck out of them. I think for certain people love is not a “feeling” or a “decision” that some people say it is but a psychosis, the self sustaining kind. there is nothing that it wont feed on. that’s true love, the kind that lasts.

  10. katrina

    I hear you. I’m nowhere near ready for a marriage, but I’d love a wedding. Not even the whole shebang, I just want to wear a frou-frou dress, get my hair done and photos taken. I’m pretty sure I’d enjoy a honeymoon too. I’m fortunate enough to have found a good guy and we are committed to flirt with each other for the rest of our lives. But you’re right, marriage is not for the poor.

    I love your blog. I’ve been a fan and a reader since your very first post! mwah!

  11. Ami

    Well, Almie, I think it’s perfectly OK if you dont want to be married, you have every right to. However, if the reason for that is fear that things won’t work out, maybe, I don’t know, you could overcome it.
    I’m not married, but I really don’t think that marriage is what makes relationships fall apart. If a relationship is good and functional, based on two people caring for each other, wishing to share things and prepared compromise when necessary, I don’t see why marriage would change that. Especially when it comes with family, with kids, that bond a couple on a whole new level. And in any case, every relationship is different, it works in different ways; there are different people and different feelings involved, so I wouldn’t give too much credit on friends’ experience.
    You speak of boredom. Is marriage itself the reason for it, like, the vows you took, or something? Or the long-term relationship, the many years you spend with someone? So what are we supposed to do, don’t stay very long in a relationship, because we might get bored of each other? Isn’t that sort of ridiculous?
    Anyway, this is not about defending marriage and I don’t reckon, of course, that getting married solves all problems or guarantees happiness. I just believe that the possibility of something going wrong, a possibility inevitable in life, should not be enough to stop us from doing what we want, whether it’s getting married or moving to a new city or following the career of our dreams or getting a radical haircut change, or whatever.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      THANKS! I like your video. And your songs. Your band reminds me of Girls. The band Girls. Not the Lena Dunham show.

  12. Kelly L

    This makes my brain hurt in a good way. I, too, have been sucked into the whole OMG I WANT A WEDDING (see also: Pinterest) but then I get terrified all over again of the whole being married forever and ever and moreso I’m worried about being boring, or if I will lose that spark of individuality that made me interesting in the first place. I don’t know. I know lots of married people that are still fun and interesting but I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid of it and yet intrigued by it at the same time. If that makes sense.

  13. Adam D. Oglesby

    Here’s the thing about marriage: You like your mate for what they are now and for what your relationship is now.

    As soon as you marry, many of the most desirable elements that made your relationship what it was—will change.

    Let’s say that during dating stage you see each other three days a week. When you’re apart he’s all you can think of. You find yourself staring stupidly off into space, visions of your few precious moments together buzzing through your head.

    If a little “him” is good, you reason, than a lot of “him” just has to be better.

    Girl, this is where you’re about to create a solution for a problem you don’t really even have.

    So you “fix” things and get married. Great! Now you see each other every day—and , of course, never get a chance to build up that eager yearning , that hot itch, that wild anticipation that would normally be triggered by his absence.

    Unfortunately, you soon discover that seeing your mate on special occasions and by mutual decision sure beats the crap out of seeing him everyday whether you want to or not.

    1. Kaitlin

      this is totally true. why does everyone want to not only be with their significant other, but also share a bedroom and sleep in the same bed? i have never in my entire life had to share a room with someone else or volunteered to share a bed with someone every night… and i don’t plan on starting next month when i move in with my boyfriend. separate rooms, baby!

      on the other hand, if you are both incapable of being alone at all and are already spending almost every waking moment together, then go for it?

      1. Almie Rose Post author

        I don’t like sharing a bed with anyone. I get all mountain lion about that shit like, “THIS IS MY AREA.” I honestly don’t like spooning. I’ll do it but I would rather just lie down by myself. So I guess if I were married I would like to have cuddles and then go into my bed to sleep.

        Also I talk a lot in my sleep. I don’t need to subject anyone to that.

    1. Anonymous

      Hang on!! George Harrison wasn’t an amazing husband at all! He was a drug-fuelled, chanting womaniser. The last straw for Pattie was when she caught him in THEIR bed with Ringo’s wife Maureen!!

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  15. CarynT

    Yes, George probably DID cheat on Pattie. I don’t believe she was as innocent as all that, though. She slept with Ron Wood before they broke up. George was the youngest Beatle and incredibly handsome, and he was only 21 when they met. And he WAS a Beatle! Partying and lots of women will get you in trouble!

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