To Do List Part 2.


In 2009, I made a “to do list” — male celebrities I’d like to do. It features some wildcards, like Peter Dinklage. And this was before Game of Thrones. I had worked with him on a film (which is a glorified way of saying I was an extra on his film in his scene), and I put him on the list.

But it’s 2015 now, and so, I feel I should update this list. The last list featured 5 celebs — this features 6. And if that bothers you, well, I’m sorry. There were some people I had to carry over. Some got left behind. But some remained forever glorious.

Here are 6 celebrity dudes on my To Do List.


6.) Pharrell Willams


I’ve made it clear how much I hate that damn song, “Happy.” I once tweeted, “Someone just cut someone else off while playing ‘Happy’, and it was the first time that song ever made me happy.” It was something like that; this was a while ago. I’ve also joked that the song is so silly, it should include the line, “Clap along if you feel like a shoe without a sock.” But I realize that Pharrell is more than “Happy.” Pharrell has been on my radar for a long time. Mainly for his personal style/fashion, TBH. His music was always secondary to that, for me. But this dude is 41 and looks like a damn giddy 20-something. I’ll clap along for you, Pharrell. My room? It needs a roof. Let’s fix that. Clap along, Pharrell, if you feel like giving me a roof. And uh, really get up there and secure it and, uh, shit, I don’t know much about roofing. All I know is that when Pharrell performs, he has the giddiness of a young man (as well as the face), and it makes me want to be happy. Like, I would even overlook the clusterfuck that is “Blurred Lines” for Pharrell. Because I’m happy. Clap along.


5.) Marc Maron


How the hell did this one happen? Well, I Netflix marathoned Maron, that’s how. We all know I love older men, and Marc Maron is that quintessential older man — the one who pretends to hate his life when really, he’s secretly loving life, balls-out. The problem here is that Maron is sober and I am not. My wine glass is only empty because I’m about to fill it. But man, I have a thing for cantankerous older men. Maron seems to have a problem with everything, and I find that insatiable. I’d put up with his bullshit, roll my eyes, and be his forever. I’d listen to all his bullshit records, from those bands that no one’s heard of but he somehow has, and he knows it. Shit.


4.) Blake Shelton.


I guess I’m on a The Voice kick — first Pharrell, now Blake. The Blake one shames me, deeply. I don’t know what it is, but once I saw him on Saturday Night Live, doing his “Wishing Boot”sketch, that’s when something clicked — sweet fancy Moses, I wanna do this man. We have absolutely nothing in common. He’s a country music star and the only country music I like is real old school, like Dolly Parton country. (BTW, I AM AWARE THAT  HE, AND PHARRELL ARE MARRIED. AND I REALIZE I HAVE NO CHANCE WITH THESE PEOPLE. CHILL OUT.) Discovering that I’m attracted to Blake Shelton is like someone telling me I can urinate through my eyeballs — what? How? And why? — that’s how it feels. I feel so…ashamed. Not that he’s not an attractive and talented man — he’s just so not my type. I’m confused. But I’m gonna roll with it.


3.) Jon Hamm

Four Seasons Hotel

So on the previous list, I included Don Draper, but not Jon Hamm, and yes, I am aware that Don Draper is fictional, thank you. But this time around, I am including Jon Hamm, the man. Because he’s proved himself to be more than Don Draper. He has a wicked sense of humor and always kills it on SNL. I’ve come to the point where I am able to separate him from Don, and I like what I see. Funny story: I once saw Jon Hamm in person and made an ass of myself, but that’s a story for another time. If you’ve read this far, let me know if you ever want to hear it. Anyway, my point is, he’s come so far. He’s no longer just “Don Draper” to me, and thus, deserves a spot on this list, even though I heard rumors that he picks up random girls and fingers them in his car. What? WHAT??? I’m just being honest. Just being honest.


2.) David Bowie


I mean, this one is a given, if you even know me at all. David Bowie is one of my true loves. But the thing about Bowie, and the reason why he’s not number one, is that I believe you should never meet your heroes, even just for one day. (HA! SEE WHAT I DID THERE?). He just means too much to me. So much that I don’t even think I can say anymore. Just know that I love him, and will forever, but hope to never actually be anywhere near him. I saw him in concert twice, and bawled both times. So any interaction between me and Bowie would be bad news. But I can’t not include him on the list. So here he is. Ziggy played guitar…


1.) Paul McCartney


Paul McCartney is my EVERYTHING. You know, I have a boyfriend, so this list is all fun and games — except for Paul McCartney. My boyfriend understands that if I were offered an evening with Sir Paul, I would take it (to the limit) (one more time). And he accepts that. We both know it’s never going to happen, but so help me God, if it does, I am IN IT to WIN IT. I don’t fucking care that he’s old. People are like, “Oh ew, imagine his 72-year-old body on you” and I’m like, “I am, and it’s FANTASTIC.” I will want Paul McCartney forever and always. He is the one for me. He just doesn’t realize it. Try to see it my way, Paul. We can work it out. We can work it out! P.S. I love you. You, you, you!


Who is on YOUR “To Do” list? DON’T BE SHY!

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7 thoughts on “To Do List Part 2.

  1. Lisa

    David Bowie would definitely be on my list too! I love him, so much so that I named my cat Bowie.

  2. Alley

    -Paul Newman (at any age tbh, but especially during the 50s-60s. I can’t lie, though, I was still really attracted to him in The Sting, when he was about 45. He is my shining star. Besides being incredibly charming and lovely he was a really cool person too. I also love older men.

    -after watching the classic 1934 film “It Happened One Night,” I have developed a new found love for Clark Gable. I don’t know how I’ve come this far without noticing him. I never saw “Gone With The Wind,” but there was just something about him in that earlier movie. I like the snarky sense of humor a lot of those men had (at least in their films) Why I wasn’t born in this era, I will never understand.

    As for more modern men:

    -Brandon Boyd from Incubus (this is a somewhat residual crush that withstood the test of time. He is almost 40 now and I still would.)

    -Colin Farrell (I don’t care what anyone says! I hold no shame. This is another long-standing fancy that I can’t even explain to myself. Even before I saw the tape, I knew he was worthy. Bless this man. )

    -Edward Sharpe (The Magnetic Zeros). He’s a new discovery, and quite a delight, I must say. I have thing for musicians. The death of me. He may very well be Jesus, I’m slightly convinced. No, but have you seen him? You’ll see what I mean. You may think, as the Cheshire cat I am not all there, and this may be true.

    -Juanes. Another musician. Foreign? Even better. Also, he’s fucking awesome.

    -Alex O’ Loughlin (but a few years ago.. yeah, the ship has sailed. I still like to remember people in their prime, for some cruel reason. Damn photographs/footage. Fucking torture devices!)

    -Alan Palomo from Neon Indian. The only slight deal breaker is that he reminds me of my ex…. like a lot. This isn’t the reason I like him, though. At least I try to convince myself of that. Oh fuck it, who wouldn’t fuck some of their exes, am I right?

    Alex Vargas- he’s another cool, foreign musician. A man who can use his voice as an instrument is tops. This is the second guy on the list who shares my name.. which brings up a question: calling out each others names would be really confusing and… hilarious? weird? slightly disturbing? I can’t decide.

    -Ben Feldman (Ginsberg from Mad Men. But before the ‘stache and insanity kicked in. Actually, the sex would probably be better after that. Never mind).

    Okay, so I realize this turned into a small novel (sorry, self-indulgent post!) but I have to include one shameful pick- are you ready?

    -Steve Buscemi as Mr. Pink from “Reservoir Dogs”. I know, but I genuinely find him attractive in that role and it blows my mind that it’s actually him.

  3. Jade A.

    Drake, Robert Pattinson (lol ya world but fuck Twilight because messy Pattz is the best kind thank you), a young Cat Stevens, Jude Law but only from Cold Mountain, Clive Owen, but only from Closer, Gob from Arrested Development, and Billy Bibbit from Cuckoo’s Nest.

  4. Ceri

    A lot of people on my to-do list are unlikely: Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, George Harrison ,,,

    And then there’s Sir Paul, Ringo Starr (Don’t judge me – he’s still a Beatle), Diego Luna, Bruno Mars, Samira Wiley, …

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