To Do List.

Today was my last day of filming in my “blink and you’ll miss it” feature film debut! But it was very fun. I play a bartender. I always want to be a bartender until I actually go to a bar and then I see how crowded it is and how I’m afraid of counting and I think, “Oh, right. This is why I’m not a bartender.”

Peter Dinklage is the star of the film. My favorite Peter Dinklage performances are his wedding planner in “The Baxter” and his “CALL ME ELF ONE MORE TIME” guy in “Elf”.

Can I say something about Peter Dinklage?

He’s sexy.

No, really.

He’s got a deep sexy voice, a cross between Don Draper and Mufasa. He’s got charisma. He walks around and he stares at you with that classic angry Peter Dinklage stare and you’re frightened that he’s going to kick you but you’re oddly turned on. We were shooting in a restaurant/bar and between takes he wandered over to a piano in the corner and with one hand played the theme from “Jaws”. He’ll keep you on your toes, that Peter Dinklage.

So this brings me to my Celebrity To Do List. Everyone has their list of top 5 celebrities they would get down with, if given the chance. But everyone’s list are always so predictable that I feel silly for sharing mine. The celebrities I want to do are either really old or really dead. But there must be people out there who have similar lists. So I’m going to give you mine. My real one. Not my “1. James Franco 2. James Franco 3. Adrien Brody 4. James Franco 5. James Franco” bullshit list.

5.) Michael Caine
To be honest I probably wouldn’t have sex with him today but I don’t think he’d have me. If I were to try it would probably go something like, “Hey Michael Caine, wanna put it in me?”

And he would say, “I beg your pardon?”

“You wanna do it?”

“Young lady, certainly not.”

“You sure?”

“Listen, I don’t know who you are but I don’t sleep with common prostitues such as yourself, though you have a lovely face. I suggest you spruce up and get a real job and don’t come sodding ’round these parts again.”

“OK, ALFRED.”

And I guess that would be it.

4.) Peter O’Toole


I once tried to write a song and here’s how it went:

“Oh Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
Look what you’ve done to my heart!

Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
I shoulda known from the start.

I (something something something
something something something) rule.
But I (something something something
something something) in love with Peter O’ Toole–

Oh Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
Look what you’ve done to my heart!”

The “(something somethings)” were subsitutes for unwritten lyrics. I sang this song to a musician friend of mine and he said, “Ha…” and then gave me a look that said, “I think my friend is autistic?”

3.) James Dean.


OK BEFORE YOU COMMENT, I KNOW THIS IS A FILM STILL OF JAMES FRANCO AS JAMES DEAN, okay? DO NOT COMMENT “THAT’S JAMES FRANCO, NOT JAMES DEAN” BECAUSE I KNOW THAT. To be honest everything I find sexy about James Dean is probably only because of James Franco’s portrayl and really I would probably rather do James Franco as James Dean rather than James Dean.

2.) Roger Daltrey


Sometimes I’ll be going merrily along through life and I’ll suddenly think, “Why am I not having sex with Roger Daltrey right now?” And I’ll realize just how unfair life is. True story.

1.) David Bowie


I would have sex with Bowie today, tomorrow, 10 years from now, 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, basically right on the day he became legal and every day after. When I was younger I had a big thing for 80s Bowie, with the bleach blonde hair but today I’d rather have late 70s Bowie, but not when he was too strung out because he’d probably impale me with one of his shoulder blades or ribs. But oh what a lovely death.

Honorable mention goes to Don Draper
and YES I KNOW HE’S NOT A REAL PERSON, THANK YOU. I would fuck Don Draper. But I would have a relationship with Roger Sterling.


DAMN I LOVE ME SOME ROGER STERLING. SILVER FOX GODDAMN.

He’d treat me real nice and we’d go to a supper club or Sardi’s back when it was really hip and he’d always light my cigarettes and give me jewelery and say things like, “My God you’re so gorgeous I’m going blind” and he’d give my ass a cute little pat. One dude on Mad Men I would not have sex with is Pete. Pete would probably have a mental breakdown during and then choke back tears and try to spoon with me after and I’d light a cigarette in a long holder and say, “Be a dear and leave, won’t you sweetie?” And he’d say, “I just want to hold you” and I’d say. “Aw, that’s cute. But really hon, you gotta get the hell out.”

BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

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  1. Pingback: To Do List Part 2. - APOCALYPSTICK — APOCALYPSTICK

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