To The Gentlemen. | APOCALYPSTICK

Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.
— Dr. Emmett Brown

People often ask me, “What’s your blog about?” I usually say something like, “Oh it’s about being a girl in Los Angeles.”

I don’t know what this blog is about. But I do know that people read it. So on the off chance that one of the four people who read this is male, this is for you, buddy:

1. Zachary Braff, stop following me. This is the 2nd time in 6 days that you and I have been in the same place. Oh I know: you didn’t mean it, it’s an accident, you don’t know who I am, blah blah blah.

2. This one is important. Gentlemen:

If you are on facebook and you are in a relationship you need to put that shit on your profile.

If you have a girlfriend you need to click the little button that says “In a relationship.”

It takes two seconds and saves heartache.

I am talking to you, guy I vaguely alluded to in a post a month or two ago/guy who broke my heart about six months ago. Guy who I’ve kind of missed.

You don’t even need to put the name of the person you are in a relationship with. But you need to declare it. To not declare it is tacky. And weird. I’ve had guy friends who counter that with, “I don’t want people to know about my personal life on facebook.” Are you serious? Really? Really Charlie? Then don’t get on facebook. Get on linked-in or get your own website where you can put whatever the fuck you want.

3. If you have my number and are texting/calling me for the first time to see me, please suggest dinner. I am worthy of dinner. Drinks = please take off my skinny pants and do things to my genitals on my couch while “Who’s The Boss?” plays in the background. I don’t want to speak for all women, I really don’t, but I know that most of us appreciate being asked on a real date. And look, there are times when all I really want to do is get into your skinny pants with the TV on for background noise. But if you don’t invite me out to dinner then you will never find out. Now if you’re taking me out for drinks at a jazz club or something, that’s different. But if you ask me to meet you at the bar where they serve free hot dogs, then have fun with yourself and Tony Danza.

Even Patrick Bateman took his women on dates.

4. I always say that with a great number comes great responsibility. I’m not joking. I mean, I am kind of joking when I say it because to say that with a serious tone of voice would make me sound like a tool, but the sentiment behind it is real.

5. Be a gentleman.

I’m going to stop here because if I go any further then my head may explode. This is why my relationship with Sven is so good. Imaginary boyfriends are the best kind of boyfriend.

**Note: guys who have been gentlemen to me and are awesome, thank you. This is not directed towards you. Pizza party!**

To elaborate on #3, here’s the post that started it all: Does Anybody Date Anymore?

Let’s Talk About It — White Denim