I’ve finally crawled out from under the rock I’ve been living and watched “Twilight” last night. First of all I had almost no idea what it was about other than a teen vampire falling for a normal teen. So I guess my first question is, was the film supposed to be hilarious? Because I think I laughed too much. My second question is why the fuck was 90% of the film tinted blue-green? Was someone unable to read the light meter? And I guess my most pressing question is…

Why the fuck was the vampire in high school? Homeboy looked straight-up 25.

Look, I get that if the vampire wasn’t in high school then there would be no book/movie. But dude had Luke Perry syndrome. This occurs when a lead actor, who is supposed to be in high school, looks 30 by the second season. It’s like, “Why is Benjamin Button hanging out with those teens?”

Zac Efron — looks like a teenager.
Dude from Twilight — looks like my dad.

OK OK I’m kidding, he doesn’t look like my dad. But he could easily pass for a college kid. So why go to high school? Or why not cast a dude who actually looks 17? When Kristin Stewart asked him, “How old are you?” and he said, “Seventeen” I laughed. Then when the sun hit him and suddenly his shirt was unbuttoned, Desmond in “Lost”-style, I laughed again and then even more when in the next scene his shirt was suddenly buttoned. I GUESS VAMPIRES ARE TOO SEXY FOR THEIR SHIRTS, TOO SEXY FOR THEIR SHIRTS, SO SEXY THEY SPARKLE AND SHINE LIKE BENEFIT BODY LOTION.

I have no problem with Twilight really. I found it amusing. But holy fuck they better check the white balance for the sequel.