Isn’t it weird when you get to know enough about someone that you could blackmail them for life? To me, this is how you define a successful relationship: you’ve been together long enough where you know every weird thing about the other person and could ruin them but you don’t.
Are you tempted to gossip after a break-up? About what he or she really liked? And odd things they did? Perhaps your ex liked to bite their finger nails and collect the clippings. It’s just a guess. If you have respect for that person then you never tell the really intimate stuff. And I never do. Tempting as it is. Because I am actually not a terrible person. Despite everything you may believe or may have heard, I care about people and I like to help my friends and certain episodes of “The Simpsons” make me cry.
And as much as I talk about my dating and relationship experiences, I would never reveal the private stuff. You know, sex. Dad and mom, if you’re still reading my blog these are the sort of explosions you’re going to run into. Prepare for shrapnel. Close the Internet.
Even now, as I drink tequila out of this bizarre Obama shot glass I got in Las Vegas (on one side is Obama’s head horribly photoshopped on a 1930’s gangster’s body and on the other side in Microsoft WordArt it says, “VEGAS MY KIND OF TOWN”) I’m still not going to reveal what went on in my most meaningful relationships. That is sacred.
But, yes, gentlemen: we do talk about you. Good things, bad things, and above all, weird things. If you try to give a girl oral sex through her jeans, we’re going to hear about it. It’s just a great story. Gentlemen, do you talk about us in that way? From what I gather the discussion is basically thus:
Chap #1: I spent an evening with Lady Heatherton.
Chap #2: Lady Heatherton, you say? Peradventure, dear chap, was she a gentle conquest?
Chap #1: Good sir. That would be uncouth of me to say. But I will say this: boobs.
Chap #2: Boobs! Splendid!
Chap #1: Indeed! Let us toast this occasion with a golden ale, tall as a mountain and twice as strong!
Chap #2: And to Teddy Roosevelt!
Chap #1: Surely. To Teddy Roosevelt. And boobies!
Chap #2: Boobies!
Am I close?
Speaking of which, this post was brought to you by the delectable Adam & Eve.
This post made me giggle. I spend a lot of time with guys. I hear about boobies all the time – but mostly from my boyfriend. Thanks for making me laugh!
You’re welcome! Boobs.
Breasteses.
I was in a relationship with a girl that liked to be slapped in the face and choked during sex. When the relationship ended, she started spreading rumors that I beat women. Six years later and I still hear those lies.
It works both ways, ladies.
(p.s. The same ex I mentioned listens to Nickelback)
That is so fucked up.
I can’t believe someone would listen to Nickelback.
No but seriously, I’m all for two consenting adults to beat the hell out of each other in bed but false accusations of abuse are so far beyond the realm of okay. You have my empathy.
Admit it, Almie. Somewhere a journal exists that details your meaningful relationships. Also, I just found out that my boyfriend of 9 years DOES NOT like peanut butter or red velvet cupcakes. WTF?! Do we really know who we’re dating? More importantly, will we ever really know them?
Dude…9 years and you just found this out?? Your boyfriend could be Batman and you would have no idea!
If I’m ever caught invading my girlfriend’s privacy, “You might be Batman” will almost definitely be my defense.
Hahaha…love it!
ugh, it’s so tempting isn’t it? I was so close to sending a pic of a (semi famous) ex to isanyoneup.com…. but I never did, beacuse I’m a good person like that.
I didn’t even know this site existed and I’m still confused about what it is.
This is such a funny article! It’s even worse when this happens with ex-friends…they really have the skinny on us!
Oh snipes, I didn’t even think of that!
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