Welcome to a second edition of “What You Need To Do”, this time starring the cast of “The Edge of Love”, and by cast I am referring to Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley. Kiera? Hold on, let me google this shit. OK, it’s E-I. Good to know.
You need to stop smoking because you could look like this. And by “this”, I mean a velociraptor. If someone snaps a photo at exactly the wrong time, and you’re a smoker, you have a 87% chance of looking like a velociraptor. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jurassic Park. I mean, I really, really love it. I don’t want to freak anybody out but Jurassic Park is almost 20 years old. Oh My God. My brother has a friend who likes to go to the galleria, get on the top floor, and shout, “WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK!” I think it’s nice to have hobbies.
You need to have a dark and twisty side to your personality. Every chick has a little bit of Marla Singer in them. Why am I referencing another film character when showing a still from an entirely different film? I don’t know, maybe I should read more books. I finished Norwegian Wood last night, by Murakami. Read that shit now, if not yesterday, ok? So here’s what you need to do: you need to have a dark side, just for kicks, just because it will help you be strong, and you need to read Norwegian Wood. It doesn’t have to be in that order.
You need to have a hobby and/or talent. It can be singing, like K-e-i-ra. But make it specific, i.e. maybe you only sing songs written during WWII. Or maybe you sing Bob Dylan songs but in German. Figure it out. You don’t have to sing. You could be a juggler. Or maybe you’re the chick who can drink anyone under the table. Or maybe you can make your eyeballs roll around crazy in your head, like that chick in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the one with Donald Sutherland. Anyone have any idea what I’m talking about? OK here’s what you need to do, you need to rent Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the one starring Donald Sutherland. Halloween will be here sooner than you think, so netflix it now. Then find a hobby. Everyone needs a hobby. Even if it’s going to a mall and shouting, “WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK!” Joan can play the accordion. Joan from Mad Men. I’m on close enough terms with the characters to refer to them like they’re my real friends. That’s not sad, right?
You need to wear red lipstick. I like Russian Red by MAC. Red lipstick is great for making you feel/look put together. Just put on some red lipstick, curl your lashes, apply mascara and you’re done. But if you have any blemishes/redness on your face, you need to cover that, or the red lipstick will only play it up. Also if your lips are flaky you should rub them with a damp washcloth because red lipstick really makes the flakes stand out. And try to avoid pairing red/pink blush with red lipstick, because it’s a little too intense. That aside, red lipstick is fantastic. It wakes you up. It says, “HEY WORLD I’M READY TO DO SHIT.” But it also says, “I’M KIND OF NOT READY TO KISS YOU OR EAT ANYTHING OR DRINK FROM A GLASS.” But if you want to kiss people or eat anything or drink from a glass then go to the drug store and get one of those long lasting lipsticks. Those are magic. I swear to God, you can apply it, then rub your face on a door, and your lipstick won’t smudge! I don’t know why you would rub your face against a door. That was a weird thing to say.
What you need to do is, you need to set aside one weekend where you and a friend decide that you’re going to behave like children. Run in the ocean with your clothes on. Have a food fight. Fingerpaint. Throw tantrums in grocery stores. I don’t know. Just go ape. Note: it helps if you have a beach house. I don’t know why, but it just does. I don’t think there’s ever been a situation in which having a beach house has been a downside. No one has ever said, “Man that guy Dave would be so cool if he didn’t have a beach house.” What was I saying? Oh yeah, eat candy and smear it on your face. And then laugh and then eat some more candy, and then take a nap.
