Worst. Feminist. Ever.

This Royal Wedding frenzy has me thinking I would very much like to marry a prince right now. How fucking easy. What an awesome life you have when your biggest obstacle is that you’re too tired to go to another charity ball? Sometimes I just don’t want to work (but who doesn’t, right?). I want to be adored and appreciated. I just want to stand there in a chanel suit and wave. And not even wave strenously. 

I’m probably not supposed to admit this. But damn, I would really like someone to swoop in and take care of me right now. Someone to love me with reckless abandon. Someone who protects me and then announces to the world that I am theirs. Look. I love my life and I love writing and everything I do. But if a prince came up to me right now — hell, I’ll settle for a rich producer — with a gigantic ring I would take it and then immediately pose for the cover of People Magazine. I should not want this, right? I should want satisfaction to come from me. From my actions, my success. And yet…fuck. That. Shit.

Thus, I am the worst feminist ever. But goddamn, between my job and a Kennedy…I’m sorry. I am choosing the Kennedy. Oh, in this scenario my job is working in Ralph Lauren, which is what Carolyn Bessett did when he met her. So yeah, that’s not really a toss-up. (Unless you really like your job in retail! That’s ok! I’m not trying to hate on anyones’ life choices!)

I realize how fucking terrible that is. But I just want someone to point a finger at me and say, “YOU are FUCKING GREAT.” Like an Uncle Sam poster, but instead of Uncle Sam, it’s Jon Hamm. Why can’t it be you, Apocalypstick? Why can’t it be you pointing at yourself in a mirror? I don’t know, Grandmother Willow. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S AROUND THE RIVERBEND.

Can I still be a feminist if I really just want to marry a prince and peace the fuck out? If I want to do that, isn’t that my choice, and isn’t that just as valid as any choice a woman makes in her life? Or am I just the little girl who wanted to be a princess who never grew out of it (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, ARIEL AND BELLE. BUT NOT YOU, SNOW WHITE, YOUR MOVIE SCARED ME. I WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU AGAIN)? JFK Jr. was the closest thing we had to royalty, maybe this is why we’re going batshit for Wills & Kate. Who is American royalty to us now? Jon Hamm? Who would be the big “catch”? You are, Apocalypstick. You are! No, shut up. I am no one. I am a girl with a blog who wants to be a Princess. That ain’t right.

Actually, you know what really ain’t right? These bridesmaid dresses are rumored to be $30,000 something dollars.

I think I just snapped out of this princess shit.


Your Song – Elton John

The most unabashedly romantic song of all time. OF ALL TIME.


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28 thoughts on “Worst. Feminist. Ever.

  1. alonewithcats

    I’d drop my lesbian bullshit so fast for Elton John. I totally would have married him. I would also marry a prince. Or a Kennedy. I live in Massachusetts, for god’s sake. They grow on trees here. And yet.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Oh thank you!! I thought I was alone. And PS I used to have a big old crush on Sir Elton when I was in grade school.

  2. Heather

    Let us replace every Uncle Sam poster with Jon Hamm’s glorious visage. Every girl deserves to have Jon Hamm pointing to them and cockily saying “I want YOU.”
    In the wise words of Savage Garden, that would be “sweet like a chica cherry cola.”

  3. tori

    don’t apologize for feeling this way, THIS WAS ME AT 5 AM THIS MORNING WATCHING THE ROYAL WEDDING. i would drop everything for prince william or preferably harry (all the benefits but none of the pressure of the throne. HELLO.).

    1. allie

      dude, agreed. fucking all about the titles and none of the charity work. Dont get me wrong, I love the charities but how cool would it be to be a princess AND have your own life/job.

  4. KD

    Id totally give up my job for a prince, or guy with too much money. I’m kidding! I think… yea, ok, probably not kidding. Haha.

  5. Anna

    oh sister. I feel ya. 100%. I truly think EVERYONE wants that. but people, instead of admitting it, judge us for being straight up. Yup. They can’t handle the out of the straight out the ice tray cold hard truth.
    you might dig this
    cause dang, that girl hit the JACKPOT.

    p.s. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. Please don’t judge me.

  6. Kelly L.

    You ARE fucking awesome. But that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with wanting someone to take care of you. Shit, I know how you feel. I am woman, hear me roar, etc etc but first maybe let’s snuggle and you can do all the heavy lifting, kthnx.

  7. Kate

    YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN BE A FEMINIST AND STILL WANT TO BE A PRINCESS! Hell, I still want to be a princess. And I’d like to let myself believe that I want it in a different way than most other girls do, that I understand it better, but of course I don’t, WE ALL WANT IT BAD. Also, Snow White is an absolutely terrifying movie. What is with Snow White’s voice? I thought my ears wear going to shatter and her little birds would have to come clean up the pieces.

  8. Emily

    my god snow white terrified me too and i don’t mean the film, i mean HER! that is one abnormally high pitched voice.

    but don’t worry about the wanting to be a princess stuff – kate middleton took ‘obey’ out of her vows, so even princesses can still be a little bit feminist. girl power!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      IM WIIIIISHING. IM WIIIIISHING. FOR THE OOOOOONE! it’s like david lynch shit.

      thank you!

  9. Rahul

    How come there is no word for the male version of feminist? I would like to be a maminest. Um, Meninest? Bonerinest? I’m dizzy from typing those words out and looking at them.

    Every girl wants to marry a Prince, but no one wants to marry the Prince. Maybe if he was taller than 5’4 people would take a prenup from him. I feel like Prince has gotten the short end of the stick lately. I apologize for that pun. It was unintentional. And good day.

  10. Skinny Dip

    I don’t think occasionally having a princess fantasy makes you a bad feminist. Life is freaking hard and there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to take care of you sometimes even though you know you can do it all on your own. To me, Feminism is all about sticking up for yourself & the people around you. I actually get really uncomfortable with the word because I feel like as soon as I admit I am a feminist then I have to spend an inordinate amount of time explaining why (&feeling guilty) that I like stuff like rap videos, Lil Wayne and the odd strip club. This stuff is totally confusing. Its not just you.

  11. The Reason You Come

    I hope feminists won’t hate me for an observation I’ve made. I’m all about women empowerment, after all. But I’ve observed that no matter how successful a woman gets in her career, it’s her personal relationships that she chooses to define her. It’s not true for all women, but it is for most, it seems. That’s probably why, even though we’re strong women, we wouldn’t mind being swept off our feet by a prince.

    Or maybe it’s the Chanel suits and not having to work our asses off to earn enough.

  12. Jenn

    I mean, yes. Just yes. Obviously I just want to be all “Screw societal norms, I got this on my own guys” but then I look ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE and see adorable happy couples where the guy is all protector-like and then I try to justify my life by remembering that one time that my cat killed a wasp for me and how romantic that was.

    I’ve also found it helps to make up horrible stories about them, like I’m sure she has a horrible case of halitosis and he puts up with it because she puts up with his foot fungus and his bed wetting.

  13. Stan

    You’re not horrible for wanting a prince to sweep you off your feet. You are experiencing biological desires. Feminism cannot change what you have been naturally programmed to want from a mate. Although a prince might be unrealistic, you will still naturally desire men who are higher in status.

    I noticed that as feminists reach their late 20’s, they being their hunt, eliminating men who have incomes smaller than their own. In a way, feminists do believe in gender roles, whether they admit it or not. Even though they outnumber men in college, and are now financially capable of caring for themselves, they still want someone who is above them, financially. Whether it be $500 or $500,000. They will marry up most of the time, as will most of you. So no worries, you will have someone sweep you off your feet. He might not be a prince, but he will earn more than you, which will take some of the financial worries off your life.

    Unfortunately for women, the more they become economically and academically empowered, the less likely they will be able to find a man who is equally educated and financially secure.

    I wonder why feminism, which preaches equality, doesn’t teach women to marry down as often as men? Methinks women get to have their cake and eat it, too. While men can only stare at their slice of cake and salivate.

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