Fuck you, guitar man. Fuck you for looking beautiful as you got on stage with your guitar. Sure, you were dressed like a bartender and before you got on stage I thought you worked here, but now it’s all different. Fuck you for singing and playing the guitar so well. I don’t even know if you’re playing it well or if your general attractiveness is just translating through everything, but fuck you anyway.
Fuck you for looking like a more grown-up version of my ex, who I hope has been attacked by bears and after the bears attacked him they left him for vultures and the vultures did what they could and then a shark joined in, it actually got up out of the ocean and hobbled over, and then the bears came back because they decided they weren’t done (you know how bears are). Fuck you for looking like him and doing a really great cover of a great classic rock song mixed with another great classic new wave song. Bitch.
Fuck you for that glimpse of wedding ring that I didn’t catch until your very last song. Fuck you for being married. Fuck everyone for being married.
Fuck everyone who has ever let me down. You will never make your way back. You’re on my list. There is no getting off of this list. All of the pizza parties in the world will never get you off of this list. Oh, you don’t care? You don’t care that you’re on this list, guitar man? Too bad. Because I am an amazing friend. Once you’re my friend I will remain loyal to you with a ferociousness that is both admirable and a little scary. I am generally a good person. I am kind, generous with money, will show up to your Facebook events, and I fuck like a champion. So fuck you, guitar man. Fuck all of the guitar men of the world. And fuck you, Prince. I don’t even have a reason, but fuck you.
How Dark Is Your Dark Side — His Name Is Alive
apocalypstick
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{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m always up for a post with gratuitous usage of the word fuck.
The whole bit with the various animal attacks was brilliant.
But seriously. Fuck guys who play the guitar. AND MARRIED GUYS. WHY IS EVERYONE MARRIED? WHAT THE FUCK?
The shark, I think, was a bit gratuitous.
Not if you knew!
Then a wolverine, perhaps?
I’ve definitely been there, Almie. Guitar men aren’t worth shit. Also included in this list are theatre people (please don’t be offended;I used to be one), poets, artists, photographers, men with soulful eyes, and awkward, hipster DJs from local public radio stations, Don’t even bother with them. Go find one who watches football, every Sunday, yet cries every time he goes to the theatre to see Les Miserables. That’s what I did, and I haven’t punched him in the face – yet.
Theatre people are the WORST. (Example, “Glee”)
Oooh…spill?
Oh I just mean the types of people who are in Glee are the types of people I went to college with, before I transferred schools. I just can’t handle drama kids.
totally matt costa, huh… i know. i know.
Fuck you, guitar-man haters!
I know I am not within the proverbial range of an Almie jab so these words don’t eviscerate me; maybe paper-cut a little, though. Sniffles two blog entries in a row for me, now.
If you ever get tired of the mild-mannered, polite, well-dressed, guitar-playing gentlemen all being spoken for, make a trip down to Austin and take a walk-and-a-talk under some lights and over some tex-mex with me.
Dude this has nothing to do with you, I promise.
Hahaha, I know. I’m trying to be cute. I failed. Now it have everything to do with me.
*has, not have. And I saw you mention “Catfish” down below. Worth a watch? It’s on my list between “Never Let Me Go” and “You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger.”
On a related note, might one day be funny to write a blog on my experiences in meeting women from the net. Nothing scary or worthy of a cinematic telling, but they are all rife with some bizarre and/or dark-humored stories (such as how one Winona Ryder look-a-like had me entered as a judge in a panel judging a Best Booty contest in a club where I was literally the only white brother in the room – no lie).
Sorry to clutter up the comments page.
OK, just wanted to assure you!
fellow Austinite!
Indeed. Best city on the planet. How did you become acquainted with Apocalypstick?
I don’t quite remember, I think a friend linked me to a post and i started following the blog sometime last year. are you a student?
among other things, yes. not at UT, though.
Go after the bassists; they’re less likely to be crazy and more likely to pay attention to all of the subtleties, in general.
Sorry to hear about the residual anger. I just moved to L.A., so if you need a good cup of hot cocoa and a friendly listening ear, let me know.
I would really like that!!!… except after seeing Catfish I’m worried about meeting people from the Internet. I won’t go any further in case you haven’t seen the movie but, ….yikes.
I have yet to see Catfish, but I hear you on the crazy people from the internet…for examples, read the talent gigs section of Craig’s List. (As there is no more adult section, the lonely hearts club has migrated to the talent gigs section…and as I am an actor, I read the really vague posts all of the time, but I digress.)
I don’t know how to make you think I’m not crazy, but if you ever change your mind, let me know. I too am an amazing friend…and a really great cook.
Oh snap. Are you on Facebook?
I am; this should (I hope) work: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=801820572&v=box_3#!/profile.php?id=801820572 if not, send me an e-mail.
sorry to change the subject but I am going to fuck my man for the 1st time any advice for me please
Well hi there!
O.K., that blatantly didn’t work… I think i made my profile searchable; I had it on private.
I concur about the bassists. I was in an “it’s complicated” with one for a long time, but he’d was in love with someone else for a million years and I knew this, So I really had no right to complain [much] about any of his douchebaggery.
absolutely agreed!!
I’ve been following you for quite some time, and lady, and this entry IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. Made me want to climb to the top of a mountain (except not really) and scream at the top of my lungs. Screw you, cute guitar men. WE DON’T LIKE YOU.
everyone above is so right about the bassists! the secret of bassists is subtle and rare: they’re not douchebags. i hate guitar men. preach it gurl.
This post made my day!
Favorite. Post. EVER.
is anyone a lesbien here?
It’s very possible.
if you are let me know because i am and you could get the chance to have the chance to have sex with me
This is kind, thank you.
almie rose are you a lesbien?
I am not a lesbian, sorry to disappoint!
can someone please answer me :｜
i really want to know more about you tell me about yourself
please answer me
hey almie rose do you know any hottie lesbiens to have sex with me
i’m going to bed i’ll talk to you in the morning i’m fed up waiting for you too answer my questions no afence almie rose but you do sort of take forever to answer my questions well i’ll talk to you i the morning if i get chance to goodnight:) ♪
hi i’m awake you can chat to me now
FOR FUCK SAKE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO ANSWER ME FOR 2 FUCKING BASTARD DAYS
JUST ANSWER ME FOR FUCK SAKE
Hey, you seem cool.
thanks so do you so can you tell me about yourself also do you want to meet up somewhere and have a gab\talk
i’m going to bed goodnight i’ll let you know when i’m up so u can talk to me k
There should be a club that meets weekly for the sole purpose of bashing guitar men.
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