I really think I just hate everybody.
If you’re going to invite people to your housewarming and your housewarming is outside in 50 degree weather, you literally fail at having a housewarming, for your guests are neither in your house nor are they warm.
I mean that’s just simple logic.
That artichoke dip was good though, so thank you for that.
Can everyone just stop asking me what I do for a living? I know you’re not personally invested. No one is thinking, “Hi, nice to meet you, please tell me what it is you do, for upon meeting you I have decided to write your biography.” We ask to make a contest out of it. Oh, you make whistles for a nonprofit organization? I work for Sharon Fucking Stone. My anecdotes are better than yours. I win.
I don’t work for Sharon Stone. But I used to tell people that I was her personal assistant because it made for great small talk. No one actually gives a shit what you do for a living, so it’s not like I felt bad about lying. Especially because that’s a great lie that I could work with. I bet I know what being Sharon Stone’s assistant would be like. I would say, “I’m Sharon Stone’s personal assistant,” and give a smile that says something like, “Boy is she a handful, that Hollywood Legend, what are you gonna do, this town, right?” They would say something like, “Oh boy/really/wow” and I would say, “Yeah, today I had to pick up her favorite Diptyque candles down in Brentwood and they gave me the wrong ones. You can only imagine what that was like.” And they would chuckle and say, “Yeah, I bet.” Tell me that’s not an eerily accurate description of what Sharon Stone’s personal assistant does. I love Sharon Stone. I really do. No disrespect. She had to work with Michael Douglas. I think for that she should just automatically be given a Golden Globe. I think anyone who comes into personal contact with Michael Douglas should be at least nominated for a Golden Globe.
Perhaps I’m coming down too hard on people. Small talk is what we’re used to. We think we’re supposed to ask people what they do for a living. I would much rather know which member of The Babysitter’s Club was their favorite. Or if they’ve eaten at any good restaurants lately. Anything but what they do for a living. Because unless you’re about to tell me that you’re casting a film and you want to give me a line (and you’ll actually give me an imdb credit unlike that last film I was in that promised me one and then didn’t) then I don’t care. And you don’t care what I do. And that’s OK. That’s wonderful.
Are we really going to see each other again anyway? Actually the curse of living in LA, aside from Earthquakes (and getting mugged by Ludacris in Westwood Village because according to “Crash” that is very real and happens all the time) is that you are constantly running into the same people. And you have that heartstopping moment of, “Do I know this person? Do they know me? Do we pretend to know each other? Or do we actually know each other?”
And after you meet someone and hit it off, should you facebook them? Or did you simply mistake their beer buzz for a genuine interest in you? Once I met a friend of a friend and thought we would become best GFs. I thought we would be telling people at future parties, “When we met, we hit it off like a house on fire,” and laugh. I’ve always wanted to use that expression out loud. It hasn’t happened yet. And when it does happen, I really want it to mean something. My point is though that I didn’t become best GFs with that person; instead we are in facebook friend limbo. We know each other and we would probably, maybe recognize each other if we saw each other in person but beyond that there’s nothing there. And that’s a shame.
I’m pretty amazed that people still invite to places. Most of the time I have a good time and all of the time I keep my quiet hatred to myself. It’s just what people do.
Oh except for when I then go on my blog and complain. But come on. You’re going to have your housewarming outside? In January? Really? I know it’s Los Angeles but it actually gets chilly this time of year after sundown. I don’t care that you have a firepit. That doesn’t help at all. The goggles, they do nothing.
Really though please do continue to invite me to your parties, at heart I’m a nice person and I think that’s what’s important.
I am disappointed by some of that, Almie. I think it's really unfair to make generalizations about people in saying they just want to know what you do in order to make small talk and are being insincere. If someone genuinely wants to get to know you better, it's obviously going to be best to start with the less intrusive questions (we'll call them Level 1 questions) as sort of mini ice breakers.
Asking someone what they do is a very good example of just that. It can open up communication and allow for segue into more personal matters without just jumping straight into Level 2 questions.
With that said, if someone asks you what you (not you, Almie, but "you" in a general sense) do, I find you will probably get the best chance of a genuine interaction with the other person if you can somehow make light of your work by telling the other person what you do and following it up immediately with some short funny anecdote. Everyone loves a funny story and if you can make it sound like you get some sort of interest out of what you do (no matter how menial it seems to yourself), then you invite a much warmer connection with the person. Now, if you're wanting to shut someone down and not engage in communication, there are ways to do that as well, but that's for another time.
With that said, I agree there is an Official Party Etiquette Rule Book waiting to be authored. Or co-authored, by us. For example, people shouldn't invite you to a party and then tell everyone to BYOB. Parties are much better when the alcohol is provided. If you only have enough alcohol for 12 people, don't invite 100. Make use of what you have and a better time will be had by all. Outdoor parties in this weather will only cause people to bitch about you and your party for all time. No one wants to be remembered for a lackluster party, so people shouldn't throw them when they are destined to fail.
I, on the other hand, completely agree with you. I don't care what people do for a living because it is boring. Talking about work takes the life out of life. Talking about work is the ultimate acceptance of the mundane. And I shan't give in, dammit! Even if everyone in the room had awesome I'm-the-shit jobs it would still be the most boring conversation ever. I think society tells us we need to be defined by our jobs because if we didn't believe it, we wouldn't care about work, then people would stop working, and then there would be no more society. It's societal self-preservation manifesting itself at a shitty housewarming party. (I just fucking blew your mind, didn't I?) (Actually, I stole all that from Freud)
In my first year in university one of my tutors told us that asking people what they do for a living was a weird way of establishing if you were financially better or worse off than them, and that just about ruined social interaction for me forever. now i don't ask any questions, and if anyone asks me one, I just look in the other direction til they leave
girl, ignore the first comment. it was written by a man who probably actually has a "title" to use when answering the "so what do you DO?" question, instead of mumbling about a temp job you got from an agency (wait, are we talking about me here?)
It's just a pissing contest. A who's-dick-is-bigger contest. When meeting people, I'd sooner ask them what part of the city they live in or where they are originally from. Now THAT is sure to bring up some funny anecdotes. Any stories I have about my JOB usually will start with "I hate…"
sidenote – sorry, as I blue-blooded Chicagoan, if it was 50 degrees, the party would be inside and outside and we'd be having a BBQ and standing around that firepit without jackets on. I'm coming to L.A. in 3 weeks to visit a friend who moved out there so after that perhaps I will understand "winter" without snow. 🙂 still love ya!
The cynicism in the comments succeeding mine is a bit disheartening.
Not everyone asks what you do so they can then compare themselves to you in terms of social status or financial comparison, and I doubt people are trying to carry out a "my dick is bigger than yours" game when asking a member of the opposite sex what they do. Sometimes a person just wants to know how you spend a lot of your time and what your attitude about it is, or they just need a lazy way to initiate conversation. I really think it only becomes an issue if the entire conversation becomes a wank fest about said job.
But, hey, maybe I'm the only guy out there who genuinely finds it interesting to know what people do.
And for the record, I am also a temp.
I completely agree with your dislike of small talk. I always get the question "so what's your story?" to which I feel like I need to respond with something incredibly concise and witty, which of course is never the case.
cynicism is why the internet exists.
🙂
True, and I'm not trying to get into some internet argument, I hope I am not coming across that way at all since I tend to be an easy-going and optimistic kind of guy.
I guess when it comes down to it and we are talking brass tacks we're really reducing a much bigger issue down to to a singular question and answer that could take all of 20 seconds to address. The overall picture here and what Almie was getting at is that she hates small talk and I think we all can agree with that. I guess when being civil to other people, however, and trying to engage in at least a polite hello it is hard to really avoid talk that is of a miniscule variety.
But I look at it this way, out of 100 instances of polite yet shallow instances of small talk, there might be that one spark which leads to a deeper connection. And, in the long run, you might just tell yourself that it is all worth it if it can segue into something bigger and better.
You're full of hope, Almie. I get that from reading your blog. Don't let that hope die and keep the cynical edge you have, because it can keep your wits sharp, but don't let it stop you from interacting with every person that you can. One of those people just might change your life.
: )
I find that a nice way to circumvent the "what-do-you-do" question is to ask more generally "what are you into?" or "what do you do with yourself?". This can be asked/switched up many ways, but essentially it's changing the question from "how do you spend your time professionally" to just "how do you spend your time" which leaves it pretty open-ended to encompass hobbies, obligations, obsessions, and even (yes) jobs/careers.
If I had face-time with you at a party I'd be totally into hearing you talk about your blogs/writing (from here and TR) rather than your attempts at—or a lie about—a "real" profession.
Talk about what you're passionate about and people will respect you for it (and probably retain an interest in you). Especially if you're not financially profiting from said passion. Odds are that the person you're talking to is doing something professionally that they hate at the expense of whatever THEIR passion is.
Interests don't make you interesting. But what does makes you interesting is your excitement towards and passion for your interests (however unprofessional they may be).
I strongly believe in disposing with all the standard crutches of small talk. "What do you do" is the most most vapid and banal question possible. The answer will come out naturally and more elegantly about three minutes in anyway, so why rush it. I'll ask "what are you excited about", and when they say "nothing" I'm excused in handing them my hall pass. That question may suck, but at least it's different. If there is one great thing about facebook it's that it keeps us perpetually caught up in the horribly mundane aspects of each others lives so that for the few hours a months that we actually spend together we can skip straight to more interesting topics. Of course if I had some sick job at Apple maybe I would feel differently, but I also refuse the crutch of asking girls names at bars too so I'm probably just weird…
Almie, WTF!! Get out of facebook limbo with this girl, srsly, about a year ago I was in the exact same spot with my now #1 or 2 best friend I until I messaged him "dude thought we were going to hang when you got back in the country, are you backing out?" We then awkwardly arranged a Thai lunch, and it's been Woody Allen awesome ever since.
In a bid to grow even more tiresome; check out these guys talking about making post college "adult friends".
http://bangpotential.com/2009/07/hamish-andy.html
dear bang potential,
if a person i have not met before would ask me what I was excited about, I would probably punch them in the face. Just sayin
xoxo
Agreed, small talk needs a makeover. I haven't eaten out lately but I just made nutella/strawberry french toast which was delicious.
And your Facebook comment is so true. Who should friend who first or does it matter? What does being Facebook friends really mean anyways?
Good luck with Facebook friend limbo and stay warm! 🙂
hello!
sunny greeting from BALI island 0_0
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=460
this pretty much sums it up, i think.
Claudia was my favorite character in the Babysitter's Club. Of course. She was by far the coolest one.
This is a very relevant & relatable post.
Also, “Or did you simply mistake their beer buzz for a genuine interest in you?”
^This must be some kind of rite of passage or something.. it is one of the most uncomfortable things to wonder. It’s fucking scary.
Kristy was possibly my favorite, due to her leadership skills and tomboy nature… though I equally related to the sensitive and shy Mary-Anne. I think it’s safe to say Claudia was the coolest, she didn’t give a single fuck and was fabulous. #TeamBabysittersClub