You’re in a new town.

empire state building nyc

Photo by me.

I am now certain that I miss New York city, though it’s sweaty as monkeys in a suitcase out here. Before I can even make it outside I’m all balmy and my hair is limp. I love this city, but jeez New York, calm your tits.

Here’s where my inner Patrick Bateman comes out: you’ll know I’ve given up on life if I move to Brooklyn. I do not adore Brooklyn. It’s far and empty and spooky at night and nothing is open and there’s no cabs. And hark, nature’s cruel joke — all of my friends, save one (love you Kelly) have moved to Brooklyn since I was last here. Which was only a year ago. All of them. Just the whole lot, off to Brooklyn. My dad lives in Manhattan. Do you not understand my unyielding pain here? I’m faced with a long subway ride or a $20 cab fare. This is debilitating and even thinking about it makes me want to place one of my childlike chubby fingers to my temple and let a single tear fall from my sweaty cheek.

I get it — Brooklyn is cheaper than Manhattan. At least that’s what you’re all telling me. Though I’m not convinced. But some of you insist that you live in Brooklyn because Brooklyn is better, which is hilarious. That’s like insisting that “Home Alone 3” is the best of all of the “Home Alone” films. Don’t insult me, comrade.

Yes, I am an asshole. I totally get that. But Oh My Kanye I hate having to haul ass to Brooklyn. You’re all worth it, I’m not saying that. But there’s nothing nearly as awesome where you live that we couldn’t do here in Real New York. Trust me, we can find your beloved independent vegan coffee guitar store here in the city. Your homemade soda shop/tattoo parlor. Your 80’s themed organic whiskey bar. We have those here too. I swear. And we have more. And we have transportation that will take you there.

Again, I’m an asshole.

And I live in Silver Lake/Los Feliz so I get it. I get wanting to live in a cool area where you can walk everywhere, where all your friends live, and where rent is cheaper than somewhere else more glamorous. I’m being a dick and a half, because where I live I can rent a one bedroom for half of what you rent in NYC for a studio. New York rent is crazy. So we all do what we can, and we’re all lucky to live in any of these places.

It’s really hot here.

I’m all not all cynical snobbery though. I’ve had some very lovely evenings in Brooklyn since I’ve been here. Very wonderful. Magical, even. Like Truman Capote shit. I love all of you BK friends. I just wished you lived closer. So, literally and figuratively, come at me.


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9 thoughts on “You’re in a new town.

  1. ashley

    I like you blog generally but this is a really weird post! I can’t imagine where in Brooklyn you were that was creepy empty at night and had no cabs. I have lived here six years and have yet to stumble into that particular part of the borough. Brooklyn is a really, really, really big place and it sounds like you were in some weird southern neighborhood? Also “far” from what? Where could you have been hanging out where you needed to “haul ass” to Brooklyn? It takes me 11 minutes by subway, and I do it every single day.
    Also, just cause taste always informs opinions like these, I’m curious, where do you think is “cool” in Manhattan, neighborhood/venue wise?

  2. ???

    There is this sort of weird “I hate it here” vibe that reminds me of Transmetropolitan. Good writing.

  3. allie

    I’ve only ever spent a week in NY and Brooklyn each but I love Brooklyn. It was exactly like where I live in Sydney but, y’know, in America.
    NY is too flashy for my like… I relish being a dirty hipster

  4. Matt

    …man I wish I lived in America; the UK sucks! I don’t think you’re an asshole for voicing your opinion..I know it’s probably half-jokingly done, but still – if you dislike/hate the trip then you hate it!

    lol @ Oh My Kanye.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I want to live in the UK. Or at least just go back there. I was last there in the summer of 2001. I love London. Love Paris. Italy is okay…SORRY, DAD’S SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

      1. Almie Rose Post author

        Oh, and by Italy I mean only the places in it I’ve been, which were Florence and Venice. And Pisa, for like, a few hours to see the tower of.

        1. Matt

          I like that you’ve replied, and in so much detail too!

          Unfortunately I’ve never been abroad, and my experience of the UK itself is somewhat limited, but I can assure it isn’t great. It likes to think it’s a (and give the illusion of) forward moving country, but it really isn’t. Perhaps it’s just my distorted view of various places within America through film and television, but it truly looks promising. I don’t know.

          Rural Italy looks nice, as well as the other places you have mentioned :)

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