amazing photoshop art by me.

Let’s say you know that you’re going to run into your ex at a party. We’re going to say this because my friend wanted me to write about what you would do in that situation. I don’t know why she thinks I would be the person to ask; if I ran into my ex at a party I would stand really, really still and hope that like the t-rex in Jurassic Park his sight was based solely on movement. Or I would take the Jeff Golblum approach and wave fire in his face. Either way, it’s not a healthy reaction. But OK.

Firstly, ask yourself if it’s really necessary to see your ex at this party. Does he owe you four dollars? Is that why you’re going? If so, I would stay home. Kiss that four dollars goodbye. It’s gone, forever. I know in these difficult economic times, four dollars sounds like a lot of money. But it’s just not worth it. If, however, your ex is still in possession of your priceless Picasso drawing, then yeah, maybe you should head over there. Once a guy invited me to his apartment to see his Warhol. But I don’t think it was a euphemism. He’s the kind of person who would have an original Warhol hanging in his apartment but no toilet paper.

I just want you to know that you’re a human being and as a human being you likely have enough stress in your life without adding a reunion with your ex to it. If, however, you feel that by avoiding him you’re only proving to yourself that you’re weak, then I’m not going to be able to talk you out of seeing him. So put on your best outfit and go! You’re going to want to wear what makes you feel the best. Who cares if that’s a black figure-hugging cocktail dress and it’s a pool party? If it’s something you can wear and rock the fuck out of, then everyone is going to think, “Damnit, why didn’t I think to wear a cocktail dress to this pool party? I look like a MORON in these board shorts!” It’s all about confidence.

But let’s say you don’t have any confidence. HERE’S HOW YOU FAKE IT:

Get really, really drunk. Get so drunk that you forget what day it is. Get so drunk that you would swear that that bald guy in the corner is Matthew Perry. Get so drunk that you have to google “walking” for a quick reminder of how it’s done.

Am I right or am I right?? WRONG. I’M NOT RIGHT. You shouldn’t have to get flaming drunk to handle this. If you do, then you’re not ready. If, however, you want to take half a glass of wine with you so you don’t do something weird with your hands, then go ahead. Now get into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths. I’m talking real deep breaths, like how they tell you to do in yoga. The kind I don’t do because I’m thinking, “This is boring, I just want abs.” But when you do that, and only focus on that, your heart rate will slow down. This is good. Then look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re fine. This is just life. This is nothing you can’t handle. You’re going to be home soon with that box of girl scout cookies that is probably expired but who cares, you’re eating it for the children. Don’t say this out loud though, because if someone walks by, they might hear you talking to yourself, and shit will get awkward real fast.

Now what you’re going to want to do is get some positive reinforcement from your friends. Go up to your friend and make them laugh. If your friend isn’t around, call or text them. It helps to hear a friendly voice. It helps to hear encouragement and a laugh is the quickest way to that. If you say something that isn’t funny, tell them to laugh anyway. If they stare at you oddly, remind them of that time in San Diego when you helped them. That should shut them up.

Still not feeling confident? Think about Faye Dunaway. Bitch was always in control, even when she was working on a project that was doomed to fail (I’m talking Mommy Dearest of course.) But did The Dunaway slink off into the corner and cry about it? Fuck no! She straightened her shoulders and said, “Don’t fuck with me fellas — this isn’t my first time at the rodeo.” I always like to think about that when I need confidence. Mostly because it’s such a stupid thing to say that it makes me smile. It helps to have a sense of humor about yourself. And now, a completely out-of-context quote from Faye Dunaway’s autbiography, Looking For Gatsby:

Jack Nicholson is staring at me, his face in a barely contained rage. When Jack is angry, he gets very quiet. He is very quiet now, the words barely able to escape his lips as he tells me he doesn’t want to hear another lie. I’m shaken by the sense of menace that is in the air. I stumble over my words as I try to explain. Smack. My left cheek is stinging and there is a faint red mark left by his fingers. Smack. The force of the blow across my right cheek wrenches my neck. It has caught me off guard. I lose my footing and raise my arms to ward off the other blows I know will follow. Smack. Again and again he hits me. Within minutes I’m in a crying, crumpled heap on the couch.

This has been a completely-out-of-context quote from Faye Dunaway. You just have to remind yourself that there is no winning or losing. So many people want to play that game, where they can say, “Well his new girlfriend looks like Rodney Dangerfield so I clearly won!” But I think that by even playing that game you lose. You have to think that you’re above it. You automatically win just by seeing him and appearing in control and cool. I don’t mean cool like calm, I mean cool like, the Rat Pack or whoever the kids admire these days. You want to walk away with people thinking, “Wow, Evelyn is such a cool girl, I just love her.”

Above all, the easiest way to fake confidence is by keeping it brief. Don’t interact with him more than necessary. Realize how cool you are. Tell yourself that this moment will be over soon and that you can laugh about it later with your friends. And remind yourself why you’re not with this dork anymore. Then get the fuck out of there, because you’ve got important shit to do.

Difficult — Uffie