Category Archives: patrick bateman

Patrick Bateman American Psycho Workout.

Apr

2013

Patrick Bateman of American Psycho is the ultimate workout champion. He prides himself on his physique. I get it, man. I am on a fitness kick and I am determined. The 30 Day Shred, a workout video by Jillian Michaels, is what I’ve been doing. It’s comprised of 3 levels; each level is for 10 days. Within those levels are 3 circuits,(warmup and cool-down not included). These circuits combine strength moves, cardio, and abs. You do 3 of those and then you’re done. The levels get progressively harder, as do the circuits.

I put on yoga pants or sweats, but not my favorite pair of sweats because I’m at a point in my life where I just consider those pants, and I put those on with a sporty crop top spandex thing and my Nufoot shoes (thanks, Nufoot!) and I get to work. Here’s what I’m thinking and feeling, before, after, and during my workout, presented to you in Patrick Bateman/American Psycho GIF form.

The moment I decide I want to work out.

Pumping myself up for the workout.

During the warm-up.

During and finishing circuit 1 and starting circuit 2.

Finishing circuit 2.

Starting circuit 3, realizing that I have this entire stupid workout video memorized and am sick of having to listen to Jillian Michaels say the same thing over and over.

During circuit 3.

The last 30 seconds of the workout.

Cool-down period.

When the workout is finished and I go look at myself in the mirror.

This is my process. This is my life. There is no comfort, there is only fear, and intensity that can only be matched by the darkest parts inside my myself. I am but a body, a concept, a tool, and I do not understand anything beyond simple actions. People do not understand that I don’t do anything for them, I do it for myself, I do it only for myself, other people do not matter, I care about no one, and most of the time, I am moments away from snapping someone’s neck and taking out their eyes with my brand new battery-powered Sharper Image letter opener. Yesterday on The Patty Winter’s Show, a woman ate her own face. I can feel everything inside me and this means that I cannot feeling anything at all, ever, and I have stopped trying. Do you like Lana Del Rey? I thought that her first album, Born To Die, was a visceral experience, her voice tinged with a deep longing and regret for a chance to do it all over again. I highly recommend it. I have to return some videotapes.

If you’d like to read my review of the film American Psycho as Patrick Bateman, click here.

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Minor annoyances: Starbucks edition.

Mar

2013

This is the face I have to put on when I go into Starbucks, otherwise they just FUCK YOU. (Not like that.)

Starbucks is full of minor annoyances that make my life really, really hard. It’s like, I have to return some videotapes and make my reservation at Dorsia and I don’t have time to deal with your fucking bullshit, Starbucks. There’s a Starbucks that knows me, and do you know what that feeling is like? It’s like being in the best relationship ever. There’s trust and understanding. And baristas, if you’re reading this, you’re going to want to throw a fucking hissy fit and talk about how I’m the worst customer ever, but listen up:

1. I am really, really polite. I never yell at anyone. I never lose my temper. I smile and say hi, and if shit goes wrong, I just put on my Michael Caine face. 2. I tip. 3. I worked in retail and wanted to kill everyone who walked into the store, so I get it, I really do.

THAT BEING SAID, FUCK OFF STARBUCKS, HERE’S WHY. (I’m taking the bullet of all of us here, I’m just saying what we all want to say, I’m like a hero right now, shine a pedestal and put me on it.)

It costs money. But, like, a lot. But I keep buying stuff. But l’m still going to complain in my head about it. No but shut up.

There’s no hot people. Again, nothing baristas can do about this one. Do hot people not go to Starbucks? I have never seen a hot person in Starbucks. This one time I was walking up to Starbucks and this chubby woman in stirrup tights in Tory Birch sandals with a Tory Birch handbag practically dove in front of me to get into the door first to get into line first…while I just casually strolled behind her. I’m not sure what her reasoning was there, for her to practically cut in front of me. It saved her maybe 12 seconds. This has nothing to do with the hot people thing by the way. I’m into guys. Guys who are so skinny it looks like maybe they have a drug problem or are severely anemic. And if it’s both? JACKPOT!

They get my name wrong, even when I spell it out for them. I know that my name is weird and different. Usually when I give my name I’m met with a blank stare. So to help everyone out, I just start spelling it (Almie. A-L-M-I-E.). I am very polite and patient throughout all of this because I used to work in retail and I understand how much it sucks to deal with people all day. And then I get a drink that says “Aelmie” “Elmie” “Elmy” “Almy “Almee” “Alli” “Alley” “Amy” “Ami” and even “Abby.” What the HELL? I’M SPELLING IT FOR YOU.

Or they do this, they start to write my name and then suddenly stop. This is a new one.

They get my name wrong, even when it’s spelled correctly on the cup in front of them. Barista at the counter spells the name right on the cup. Barista 2 makes the drink, looks at it, puts it on the bar and announces, “…AMY.” NO. THERE IS AN “L” THERE. Sometimes okay, the handwriting is bad, but dude sometimes the cup clearly says “ALMIE” just say “ALMIE” just because you’ve never heard the name before doesn’t mean it isn’t correct, don’t just stare at the cup like, “What is this sorcery?” JUST SAY ALMIE, because the problem is that there ARE women named Amy and sometimes when you shout Amy when you mean Almie, shit gets confusing for all of us. And then we have to do the polite customer shuffle of, “Oh, I’m sorry, I think this is mine” “Oh I’m sorry” JUST SAY ALMIE, IT ISN’T AMY, IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THERE ARE WOMEN OUT THERE WHO ARE NAMED SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE AMY BUT ISN’T.

They don’t even try to pronounce my name. That’s just. Ugh. If they shout the order out correctly, then I get that it’s mine, but don’t just stare at the cup, set it down on the counter, and then try to disappear into the cappuccino machine.

Like this.

Children are allowed to go in there. Hey, protip, if your child is ill-behaved, don’t bring them into Starbucks. Starbucks is a place where people 1. Just want to get coffee so they aren’t cranky anymore and can then proceed to get the hell out of there 2. Go on awkward first dates. 3. Have awkward job interviews (which I NEVER understood). 4. Want to work on their laptops and leave each other alone. I could understand if there was a fucking ball pit or something in Starbucks, but there isn’t. Starbucks sells coffee, and coffee is not for children. “Oh but my children don’t have coffee, they drink that Frappuccino thing that has no coffee in it.” Holy fuck, do you have any idea how bad that is, nutritionally? It’s healthier to give them a milkshake from a diner than one of those bullshit things. “What am I supposed to do, leave my kid in the car?” Sure, I don’t give a fuck. Leave your goddamn kid in the car, tie it to a post, put it in a Sergeant Pepper costume and have it beg for change on the sidewalk — those are all better options than bringing it into the store, IF it isn’t well-behaved.

Anyway, an independent coffee shop opened up just near me and their coffee is delicious and their WiFi is fast and free, so I’ll probably just go there most of the time. Except that they don’t have those delicious sandwiches that are 5,000+ calories even though the whole thing could fit into the palms of my small, chubby, elf-like hands.. DAMN YOU STARBUCKS!

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I guess we’re friends?

Nov

2012

On TV there’s always a group of friends who spontaneously meet up, or someone will call Tyler, and they’ll say, “Tyler, meet me at [whatever bar or coffee shop here]” and they hang up and don’t even give a time, and Tyler always shows up. And let’s not forget the ole drop-by. This happens a lot on “Beverly Hills, 90210” (the original). EVERYONE drops by Dylan’s house. I understand why TV writers do this. To show characters calling each other, or texting each other, is a lot less interesting than having them speak in person. But this trope gave me false hopes about what being an “adult” would be like. And by “adult,” I mean any cool, awesome chick from 18 – 30. From Clarissa Darling to Carrie Bradshaw. I thought that once I turned that magical adult age, I would have a close group of friends who would always be available to meet at “our” place or drop by unexpectedly.

I don’t think this is a real thing.

If you and people you know live in NYC (like the village or somewhere stupid in Brooklyn) or Los Angeles (in somewhere like Silverlake or Los Feliz or maybe even Venice) you can experience the magic TV moments of running into your friends at a nearby restaurant or other local joint. That’s why I like where I live now, even though I use to ruthlessly make fun of it all the time. I like being able to walk everywhere. I used to live in Manhattan and that was one of my favorite things, ever. To just get out of your studio apartment and walk. And see people. And things. And get hammered and take a taxi back or walk. Or if you’re really desperate, the subway. Yes, I can be quite an elitist jerk, don’t even bother pointing that out. I think that jeans and beer are for poor people. And if that shocks or upsets you, then I’m sorry. I’m like Patrick Bateman, but a woman, and with a lot less money and murders.

I think I have lots of friends. Maybe? It’s hard to tell. What’s a friend? Someone who goes to your bday party? Someone you don’t feel awkward having a one on one conversation with? Someone you know really well? I don’t really feel like I have a lot of close friends. But I have friends I can talk to. I wish I had a closely knit group, like the ones in “How I Met Your Mother” and “Friends.” But perhaps those don’t exist. At least not after college. But just once, I’d like to send out a mass text with, “MEET AT COOLBARWELIKEHERE at 9!” and everyone shows up, or at the very least, doesn’t ignore my text.

For more on friendship, read this old post: Friends.

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Weekly wrap-up: “I don’t think the future wants Tom Green.”

Apr

2012

Thanks again to Toki Doki for the killer tee!

Here are some things I did and wrote about this week, in case you missed it. And in case you care. If you don’t, no worries, it’s a beautiful day in LA go outside!

I list my top favorite bad songs of the ’90s on Hello Giggles. “Some say that Tom Green was before our time but I don’t think the future wants him. In this lyrical masterpiece, Mr. Green laments the misfortune of having “poo” on his ‘bum.’ ‘I gotta get the poo off my bum!’ he wails and I think we all understand that it’s clearly an allegory for world hunger.”

If Patrick Bateman reviewed the film “American Psycho” on A Bright Wall in a Dark Room. “There is a film based on me, my life, and it scrapes the line of frightening realism and imaginary hopes, dreams, wishes, that I can’t have, will never have, am not capable of having. The film is American Psycho and is directed by a woman named Mary Harron, who I can only assume is hideous based on how good her film is, which I’m reluctant to admit.” Continue reading →

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How to actually keep calm and carry on.

Nov

2011

By Cole Henley

The British are better at so many things. Throwing weddings, speaking in cool voices, and above all, keeping calm. They are really good at not losing it. Examples: Mary Poppins, Dr. House, Will and Kate, Giles from Buffy, Helen Mirren, and Angela Lansbury’s greatest role ever as Mrs. Potts from Beauty and the Beast.

I think Americans are known for being rushed, busy, and always wanting and needing things “on the go.” Or we’re thought of as being lazy. I guess it depends on who you’re asking.

As an American who always wanted to be British when she grew up, I’m trying to be more level-headed like our friends “across the pond.” It’s very hit or miss. In some situations I’m calmer than others. I’m able to stand back and assess the situation, realize how others are responding poorly to it, and not do what they’re doing. In other situations I act like the workers at Springfield’s nuclear power plant during a practice evacuation. In an effort to help myself, I’m going to help you too. Because I think when we give others advice help ourselves too.

— You’ve heard many times that you should take a deep breath. But do you actually do it? A legit deep breath? Here’s what you do. Before you go into a potentially stressful situation, like work on Monday morning, sit in your car (or boat or subway or whatever), close your eyes, inhale, hold it and exhale. When you inhale do it slowly and count in your head to three like you’re a robot, not like you’re a rushed person heading to work. Then let it go. That’s it. But it’s very important to be present when you do this. Don’t do it just to do it. Really think about it.

— Listen to Huey Lewis and the News. I’m serious, when something makes you nervous, listen to the first few seconds of this, and you’re set. Look at how successful Patrick Bateman is!

— Realize that at some point, the day is going to end. Time has to go by. What looks tough now is going to be a memory tomorrow, and that’s just a fact.

— Find the calmest, most put together person in the room, and copy them. If you can’t get it together, find someone who can, and do what they do.

— Think of an escape plan. If you’re the kind of person who thinks immediately of the worst case scenario maybe stop trying to fight it. Go ahead and think of the worst case scenario but instead of making it spooky, look at how you’ll rationally get over it. If you did something stupid at work, come up with your escape plan. “I’ll apologize, ask what I can do to make it better, and if I get fired I can use this as a learning experience and ask my friends if they know of any job leads and in the mean time sell my plasma for cash.” If you had a fight with your partner, think, “Okay if they break up with me, I’ll be all right, I’ll collect myself and talk to my friends and/or mom and take a personal day and learn from this experience and buy another cat and pick up a bottle of whiskey.” And so forth.

— Ask yourself, “Is this actually going to matter a week from now?” Think of other times in your life when it seemed like you were on the brink of disaster. Don’t you now realize, I can’t believe I freaked out over that?

Here’s what not to do:

— DO NOT post about it on the internet. It may bite you in your bum later. (See, British people say bum.)

— DO NOT speak out of anger. That’s just going to lead to more anger.

— DO NOT cry in public. That’s what your car is for!

If this post helped you at all then read It’s Okay for more advice.

How do you keep calm and carry on?

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How To Appear Popular.

Jan

2010

Rename all of the contacts in your phone with celebrity names. Then leave your phone lying out for someone to find. Chuckle when you say, “Kiki Dunst just loves texting.”

Write inside jokes on your friends’ walls. It doesn’t matter if they’re actually in on the joke. I find Simpsons quotes work well. Just pick a friend’s facebook page and write on it, “I call the big one bitey.” Everyone will read this exchange and think that you and your friend really have something special going. Note: you can do this with someone who isn’t really your friend but you want people to think you’re friends. And voila: instant private joke.

Get as many twitter followers as you can, even if they’re spam robots. If you can’t get lots of followers on twitter then don’t even get a twitter. Tell people, “Once I hit over a thousand followers it just got too difficult to deal with.” Then give a half smile that says something like, “You know how it is” and take a sip of your mocha latte.

When you arrive somewhere crowded alone pretend that you’re waving to your friend across the room. Smile, wave, and shout something like, “Are you going to David’s later?” Then laugh and clap and shake your head like, “Oh, that guy.” Then get to the bar and start drinking.

Write everything that you’re going to do in your planner but spin it. For example, going to Starbucks becomes coffee date or morning meeting. It’s important to fill your planner on the off chance that someone sees it. You’re going to want to appear busy. Write names under these plans. Find out the name of your favorite barista and put his/her name under “meeting, 10:30.” You’ll know what it really means but other people won’t. Patrick Bateman did something like this when he told Detective Kimball that he had a meeting at The Four Seasons with Cliff Huxtable. It’s just what people do.

Photograph everything you do and then put it on Facebook and then tag everyone and yourself. People will think, “Marcy sure does have a lot of friends and exciting things that she’s doing.” Maybe don’t photograph everything but just the events in which you’re dressed nicely and out with others. Don’t photograph yourself with your cat and then tag your cat. Everyone knows that cats don’t have Facebook profiles. Cats still use MySpace.

If you do all of these things then you will either be the most popular kid in town or the least. Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

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Let It Die, Part Two.

Jul

2009

I don’t know if it’s a girl thing or what but I’ve been noticing that a lot of my female friends have a hard time letting it go. They lament over their mistakes, their roads not taken, their misfortunes.

CUT IT THE FUCK OUT.

I know, this is far easier said than done. Yesterday I spent the day wallowing in a sorry haze (this is why you should always take your meds on schedule, kids) and even though I wanted to emerge I just couldn’t. I felt like Patrick Bateman:

“…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cool gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours…I am simply not there…Myself is fabricated, an aberration. I am a noncontingent human being.”

(That’s quoted from the book, and not the movie, by the way. I love the movie but the book takes the edge of me, if only because of an awkward scene involving Bateman and Tom Cruise in an elevator.)

It’s not a good thing to feel like Patrick Bateman. I think it’s a defense mechanism, a way of trying to hide all of my anxious feelings. It’s still better than when I would revert to pretending I was Agent Dale Cooper, taking into a deck of cards like it was a tape recorder. Ha ha I’m just kidding, I would never do that…

If you were to lie in bed and think of all the faux-paus you’ve made in your life you would go crazy. If you were to list all of your missed opportunities and awkward moments and times where you just wanted to slap yourself, Chris Farley style, shouting “STUPID STUPID!” then you’re not going to get to sleep any time soon and you’re going to wake up feeling like a zombie.

Try this: when you start to think of all the ways in which you wish your life were different, think of the ways that you make it good. Think of something you did in the past that was awesome, even if it was just making a funny joke or getting a birthday gift for a friend that she really appreciated. Start small! Then think of the bigger things. There is no mistake you made that is too great to keep you from another opportunity. Unless you are:

— Phil Spector
— O.J.
— That woman who just ate her baby
— Tim Burton

(Aaahhh I kid, Tim Burton will probably be fine blah blah.) But really, you have to let it go. You know, I know it, Tim Burton knows it. The only way to ease the pain of past stupid decisions is to make good ones in the future. Again, to quote Oprah quoting Maya Angelou (shut up, it’s still good advice):

When you know better, you do better.

That’s it!

I’m Not Down — The Clash
Take Me As I Am — Au Revoir Simone
I’m Still Standing — Elton John