Jun

19

2013

Hpnotiq says Bling It On! Enter to win a year’s worth of getting your nails done. Seriously.

bling it on hpnotiq

Full disclaimer right here, holla. This post is sponsored by Hpnotiq, some very pretty liquor. All thoughts and opinions are mine. Come at me.

Nail art is not something I’m very good at. I love having nice looking nails. A bright color, or a red so dark it’s almost black, or shimmering white — those are glam nails to me. Because most of the time, I am biting them. I want to be like those nail wizards who can paint things on their nails like The Last Supper or Billy Joel’s entire discography. One, I got zebra striped nails. Proof. Here is a photo of me holding a cup of coffee in a hotel room in Vegas. Because why else would I have zebra stripes? I was honoring the fine city of Las Vegas. And you can tell those are my hands because of how stubby and childlike they are.

zebra striped nail art

There’s got to be a way to make money off of having a 10 year-old’s hands. And I don’t mean in a jar. That’s just terrible.

And here’s my confession: I didn’t do those myself. I would put a sad emoticon here, but it’s more powerful if I hang my head in shame. So picture that. Picture me doing that. Got it? Good.

So for those of you who can do nail art on your own, this is your time to get NAILED (I’m sorry, that was terrible. Not as terrible as jarring 10 year-olds hands) because Hpnotiq is giving you a chance to win some dizzying prizes. Or maybe makeup is more your thing. Maybe you could win with your GLAM MAKEUP!

bmakeup

This probably isn’t what they mean though. I would lose.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

DO THIS:

    • Love glam things? From now until July 28th 2013, Hpnotiq wants you to show them how you GLAM LOUDER to win fab prizes! During each 2-week challenge you can submit photos in different categories to win – including the glammest nails, makeup and overall look. Entries can be pictures you snap yourself or images you find online.
    • Ready to Bling It On!? Here are the glamorous prizes that are up for grabs: One year of manis/pedis worth up to $1,200, a $1,000 gift card to Sephora or Ulta, AND a chance to win the grand prize trip for you and three friends to go shopping with a celebrity in Los Angeles! Even better – the grand prize winner will star in a professional photo shoot for the chance to be in a real Hpnotiq Ad!
    • Want to enter? Hpnotiq’s Glammest Nails Challenge is going on RIGHT NOW – but hurry – the entry period for the glammest nails ends at 11:59:59 a.m. EST on June 30th! For this challenge Hpnotiq wants you to show them the glammest nails, nail art or nail finish that you’ve ever seen or done. Think you can nail it? You can enter as many times as you want! Snap a pic of your own, or find a pic online.  For this round, they’re choosing 4 lucky winners to receive free mani/pedis for a year valued up to $1,200!!!

GO FORTH. And then drink some of this:

blue bottle hpnotiq

Posted in: contest/giveaway, lighten up it's just fashion

Jun

10

2013

I don’t want kids and I have my reasons.

young woman surrounded by kittens

I’m at that point in my 20′s where, even though I think it’s too soon to think about, I’m having to answer hypothetical questions like, “So, do you want to have kids?” or even worse, “When do you plan on having kids?”

I plan on having kids right around the time I plan on having tea with Michael Caine in a gumdrop palace on the moon. So, never. Never is when all of these things are planned.

But “I’m not having kids” is not a good response. Because when I say that, people take it as a challenge. Like I personally offended them or am asking them to convince me. “You’ll change your mind” or “You will” or, my favorite, “That’s what you think now, but you’re still so young.” Then why did you even ask me?

I don’t want kids and I have my reasons. Here they are. Note: none of them are, “Because I’m too selfish” because that isn’t a reason; it is in no way selfish to not want children.

10. Because this is how I would deal when my children misbehaved.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind gif

[click to continue…]

{ 21 comments }

Posted in: Kiss On My List, let's just talk from our hearts, Minor annoyances

May

28

2013

my future self.

exercise class

Okay so I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round and ’round but there’s really no wheels aside from the ones in my head and they are spinning. I cannot focus on anything except the wrong things, like how loud this typing sounds and how annoying those goddamn children are next door and how I don’t know if I’m hungry and I think that logically I must be as I haven’t eaten since 11:30 AM and it’s 6 PM now and that I’m not sure if I’m hungry really concerns me. I am completely overwhelmed to the point of just being stuck and unable to move, though clearly I am able to type and get this all out there. Every sound is way too present. They are talking upstairs too. Why are they doing this. Why are they walking around. Just stop and stay in one place. I was walking around too and it was making things worse.

Really, on the outside, everything looks fine and probably is fine. I love to take the fine in life and stretch and contort it into “kind of fine” and then “not very fine” and then “fuck, I’ve ruined my life.” That’s fun. I am getting better at not doing this but on days like these when you see the work piled up, it’s piled in your mind, on your computer, when you see it, you think there is no way I am going to catch up with my future self. I know she’ll be there, because that’s how time works, it is inevitable that at some point I will have made these deadlines and I will come out on the other end and try to use this panic as I reminder to myself that things are never as bad as they seem and that I always pull through but

 

THESE. GODDAMN. CHILDREN. NEXT. DOOR. Fuck this, I’m done, I can’t write anymore.

{ 9 comments }

Posted in: fear and loathing, i don't even know, no i'm not drunk, no seriously I'm not drunk, Oh that's dark

May

13

2013

What’s in My Bedside Drawer.

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Bedsider.org. But all thoughts and opinions are my own, so come at me. old nyc metrocard

Bedside drawers can be very personal spaces. You could have ANYTHING in there. Like a baby. You could have a living baby in your drawer. And that’s your business. Or, if you don’t want babies like me, you can go to Bedsider.org and figure out which method is right for you to prevent babies from suddenly occurring.

Because when people think about what’s usually in beside drawers, they think about super secret sexy stuff. We all know what I’m talking about. To quote Bea Arthur’s Dorothy Zbornak, “Condoms, Rose! Condoms! Condoms! CONDOMS!”

And thanks to Lucky Bloke, I have all the condoms I could ever need. And honestly, I do not need this many condoms. But one day they sent me a huge package (that’s what she said!!!!!!) and I was left with no choice but to stare in awe at this wide variety of condomocity.

drawer full of condoms

Wow! It’s like pop art! So fun to look at. So colorful! So kind of anyone to think I would need all of these! (But if you’re one of those people who’s “not into condoms” — which is basically 90% of people — I really do recommend checking out Bedsider for other options. Lots of fun stuff to click over there.)

But there are more things in my drawer. Things that are in no way sex related. Like this:

marty katherine gallagher snl character

It’s an action figure of the vaguely popular Saturday Night Live character, Mary Katherine Gallagher! This has been in my drawer for about 8 years now. I dressed as her one year for Halloween because I was REALLY COOL! And what’s this?

two dollar bill

A TWO dollar bill??? I probably got this from the tooth fairy several years ago, or maybe yesterday, and I still don’t know what to do with it. Dare I spend it? DARE I?

orlando keychain

This is a keychain I had custom made for me when my family and I went to Orlando about 20 years ago. My parents made up the name “Almie” so no one ever has Almie merchandise at theme parks. Truly a Bort situation. Thus, I insisted that for once in my life I would have a key chain with my name on it. So my entire family waited for me to get a stupid dinky keychain personalized with my name. We were heroes. Just for one day.

My bedside drawer has become something of a memory book. There is nothing useful in there at all. It’s just things that I don’t want to get rid of because it’s not like they’re taking up a huge amount of space and it’s not like I would get lots of money by selling them, so instead I will just keep them forever, because we know how nostalgia is one hell of a drug.

You can see even more crap from my bedside drawer on my Pinterest board (there’s even something Paul McCartney related, because of COURSE there is.) And you can enter Bedsider’s “What’s In My Bedside Drawer?” Pinterest contest to win $200 cards for Apple, Bloomingdale’s, Amazon, Etsy, and more. You don’t even have to upload your own ridiculous stuff like I did. Here’s what you need you to do:

 

I’m really interested to see what kind of rubbish you guys REALLY have in your drawers. I know at least one of you has to have an action figure, and it probably isn’t as cool as mine, but that’s okay. You’ll get there. You’ll get there.

 

Every girl has that bedside drawer that holds the bedroom essentials: their Kindle, a pair of reading glasses, sexy lingerie. – whatever fits their personality. No matter what your drawer says about you, there’s birth control that will fit right in. Find the best method for your routine and style at Bedsider.org.

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Bedsider.org.

{ 7 comments }

Posted in: memories of my youth, nostalgia, photos, sex

May

1

2013

I Hit It First: A Love Song.

jayne mansfield wedding 50s

Ray J made a sex tape with Kim Kardashian and wrote a song about it, titled “I Hit It First.” I do not think Ray J knows that the word first is not the same as the word before. But, okay Ray J. You hit it first. Yeah. Sure. And Dick Sargent was the first Derrin.

Some lyrics from “I Hit It First”:

I hit it I hit it I hit it I hit it I hit it I hit it first
I hit it I hit it I hit it I hit it I hit it I hit it first

Really. No exaggeration. That is the chorus.

This song made me realize what love is.

Really. No exaggeration. Here’s why.

I would like to get married one day. I would like to marry someone I am in love with and actually really like as a person. And he feels the same way about me. And beyond loving each other, we’re friends. We have something. There’s a “we” and it’s not the eye rolling nauseating “we” that is the basis of so many godawful romantic comedies. It’s the “we” of David Bowie’s “Heroes”, the:

And you, you can be mean.
And I, I’ll drink all the time.
‘Cause we’re lovers. And that is a fact.
Yes we’re lovers. And that is that.

I want to marry someone (again, far into into the future) who actually likes who I am, all the weird bits and pieces that create this stubborn, bizarre, sensitive, silly personality of mine. I want them to be silly sort as well. And I want them to have their own weird bits and pieces. And we look at our pieces and we say, “You know, these don’t have to fit. We don’t have to complete each other. We just have to be with each other. Because if we don’t, our lives will be unhappy. And that is that.”

This person, this wonderful weird handsome man, will love me and understand me. He will want to make me happy. I will also love and understand him and want to make him happy. We’ll have this mutual appreciation between us of the others’ quirks and we’ll want to make each other better by the end of every day, and not worse. He will be the man who finds joy in stupid fun things.

And so when I tearfully accept (I know I’ll cry) his marriage proposal, and we plan our wedding, and I won’t insist on anything but ask if I can choose our wedding song, and he says yes, and I say I choose, “I Hit It First” he will laugh and say yes. He’ll expect me to back down. And I won’t back down because I don’t want him to know I’m mostly kidding. So neither of us backs down and it all culminates in that moment where we’re about to dance our first dance to a song the DJ (or iTunes Robot) has to introduce as, “Uh, a song that came out in…like…2013? About…some guy, who, ah, he…he slept with this…there was this…do you guys remember reality TV? And Kim Kardashian? Kanye West’s ex wife? Yeah, this song is about a guy who banged her. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. And Mrs. ______!” and we’ll dance and we’ll laugh and laugh.

And that’s love.

 

Photo of Jayne Mansfield by Ralph Crane, 1958.

{ 9 comments }

Posted in: David Bowie, let's just talk from our hearts, weddings

Apr

15

2013

Patrick Bateman American Psycho Workout.

patrick bateman american psycho workout

Patrick Bateman of American Psycho is the ultimate workout champion. He prides himself on his physique. I get it, man. I am on a fitness kick and I am determined. The 30 Day Shred, a workout video by Jillian Michaels, is what I’ve been doing. It’s comprised of 3 levels; each level is for 10 days. Within those levels are 3 circuits,(warmup and cool-down not included). These circuits combine strength moves, cardio, and abs. You do 3 of those and then you’re done. The levels get progressively harder, as do the circuits.

I put on yoga pants or sweats, but not my favorite pair of sweats because I’m at a point in my life where I just consider those pants, and I put those on with a sporty crop top spandex thing and my Nufoot shoes (thanks, Nufoot!) and I get to work. Here’s what I’m thinking and feeling, before, after, and during my workout, presented to you in Patrick Bateman/American Psycho GIF form.

 

The moment I decide I want to work out.
patrick bateman gif

Pumping myself up for the workout.
patrick bateman raincoat

During the warm-up.
patrick bateman gif business cards

During and finishing circuit 1 and starting circuit 2.
patrick bateman music raincoat gif

Finishing circuit 2. 
patrick bateman american psycho gif

Starting circuit 3, realizing that I have this entire stupid workout video memorized and am sick of having to listen to Jillian Michaels say the same thing over and over.
patrick bateman psycho gif

During circuit 3.
patrick bateman pain psycho gif

The last 30 seconds of the workout.
patrick bateman american psycho axe raincoat gif

Cool-down period.
patrick bateman facepeel gif

When the workout is finished and I go look at myself in the mirror.
patrick bateman gif

This is my process. This is my life. There is no comfort, there is only fear, and intensity that can only be matched by the darkest parts inside my myself. I am but a body, a concept, a tool, and I do not understand anything beyond simple actions. People do not understand that I don’t do anything for them, I do it for myself, I do it only for myself, other people do not matter, I care about no one, and most of the time, I am moments away from snapping someone’s neck and taking out their eyes with my brand new battery-powered Sharper Image letter opener. Yesterday on The Patty Winter’s Show, a woman ate her own face. I can feel everything inside me and this means that I cannot feeling anything at all, ever, and I have stopped trying. Do you like Lana Del Rey? I thought that her first album, Born To Die, was a visceral experience, her voice tinged with a deep longing and regret for a chance to do it all over again. I highly recommend it. I have to return some videotapes.

If you’d like to read my review of the film American Psycho as Patrick Bateman, click here.

{ 10 comments }

Posted in: bret easton ellis, Health & Fitness, patrick bateman

Apr

8

2013

Missing Holden Caulfield.

new york city pop art billboard ad underwear

Holden Caulfield, via J.D. Salinger once said,

Don’t ever tell anybody anything.  If you do, you start missing everybody.

This has always stuck with me.

You know how certain songs cause you to time travel? You hear a song and your mind takes you back to where you were where you heard it and what you felt and who was there. When I hear “Thirteen” by Big Star I remember this incredible date this sweet guy took me on in New York. I didn’t have a lot of time and I warned him, trying to convince him that we couldn’t go out because even though I wanted to, I knew it wouldn’t work out. I was just too busy. But he was persistent, and not in a creepy way. In a way that was so sincere that I let my smile take up my entire face. I told him I had, “like, two minutes” — and he took it to heart. He hailed a cab and we went to an Italian restaurant…down the street. We went through three courses in about one minute. Literally. He planned this ahead. We took our leftovers over to a movie…on the sidewalk. He set up a TV to play Manos: Hands Of Fate, the best of the worst films ever made. It’s such a bad film that he was able to condense the entire thing into twenty seconds. Then he asked if we had time for coffee. Well, we had about thirty seconds. We went back to the Italian place that suddenly had coffee and desert set up on the table. It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. And somewhere, “Thirteen” by Big Star was playing. And I will forever tie that song to that incredible memory. It didn’t work out between us. I eventually went back to my ex.

Also, none of this happened to me, this happened on How I Met Your Mother.

Ha ha. Got you.

Sorry. I don’t know why I did that.

I got terribly astray from what I was saying, which was that if you let it, anything can remind you of everything. As humans we try to find connections in our lives, where there are none. For example, you’ll tell your friend over lunch about someone you went to high school with, and hours later, you’ll run into that very person on the street. And you’ll say, “My God, what are the odds?!” But if you really thought about it, you’d realize that the odds weren’t that extreme; maybe you were in an area where your former classmate lived, or you only noticed your classmate walking down the street because you had just mentioned them, or your classmate mentioned on Facebook a place they went to for lunch and that’s why you went there; you simply disassociated your classmate from the entire experience because it’s more meaningful to believe that it all happened by some delightful wink of the universe.

don draper wink

Okay, look, I’ll finally get what I’ve been trying to get to. And that is, it’s nearly impossible to forget anybody or anything you’ve ever done that ever meant something, even if it was only slightly. I’ll see a girl wearing fingerless gloves and I’ll think of 14th street in NYC. I’ll hear a Bob Dylan song and have a sudden and brief fervent passion for a boy I had a crush on in college. I’ll smell a certain shampoo and remember my staying with my ex-boyfriend at his house in Rochester. And I do these things — we all do these things — because we want to. Even though it hurts. Because unless you’re a psychopath, you can’t but feel emotion, even if it’s people you think you don’t give a monkey about. It creeps in, but you don’t notice it. To you, it’s like, “Why the hell am I missing Stephanie from elementary school? I haven’t thought about her in years.” It rains and I think about my apartment in New York City. And I think about what a hassel it was — but a great hassel — to move in. I thought about how it would be a ragtag group of me and my friends dragging a couch up a staircase like in Friends. Asking them, hey, can you move for free? I’ll treat you guys to coffee. And then I’m nostalgic for a moment that never even happened.

And that’s why I understand Holden Caulfield, that beloved outcast, so beloved by our generation it’s become cliche. Because nostalgia will fucking kill you if you let it. It’s like alcohol or drugs. Some people can enjoy nostalgia recreationally. Others let it ruin them. The worst thing is that sometimes you don’t even need to talk to someone from your past. All you have to do is see their photo or time travel via a song or memory and you’re right there and by the time you come back, you’re completely hungover with nostalgia.

God, imagine how i’m going to feel when I’m forty.

{ 8 comments }

Posted in: i don't even know, memories of my youth, nostalgia, this might be a stupid post

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