Walk walk fashion baby work it move that bitch crazy. See the whole thing here:
There is also implied sex between me and a robot. A CARTOON FEMALE ROBOT!
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Jan
26
2012
I’ll try it.
Jan
25
2012
I suck at everything.
Good news, everyone! I suck at everything! I want to cry and throw things and scream and laugh all at the same time, but I can’t. And you know why? Because I suck!
I usually talk about how even when things suck you have to find a way out because the more you say and believe they suck, the more they will.
SUCK SUCK SUCK EVERYTHING SUCKS I DON’T CARE, COME AT ME UNIVERSE. WITH YOUR MAGIC SUNSETS. I DARE YOU. Throw a sunset in my face, see if I give a fuck. I don’t. Spoiler alert GONE because I just said it. I DON’T GIVE A FUUUUU
How many times have I written that it’s okay to feel bad and it’s okay to suck as long as you realize it and then you can rise above it? So why can’t I? I am terrible at taking my own advice.
It’s so much easier to suck at everything than to try hard at anything.
The frightening truth is that I am not happy or okay with who I am, and I may never be. I was drifting along, like a plastic bag in the LA River, when I felt hate and loathing slowly pulse throughout my veins. For myself. People are like, “Shut up so many people would love to have your life” and I’m like, “So what who cares” and they’re like “You’re acting like a child” and I’m like “Nu uh I’m an adult” and then my mom hangs up the phone.
WILL SOMEONE HOLD ME?
I keep trying to work on my book. I take one step forward and two vodka shots back. It’s hard! It’s hard you guys! And what’s the point, anyway? Who cares? “I would rather watch somebody buy their underwear than read a book they wrote.” – Andy Warhol (true story).
There are so many people out there who are so much better than I am. And by better, I mean famous.
Guys life is hard. These are worse than White Girl Problems. These are Apocalypstick Problems. Or even Uncle Almie Problems.
Why do you suck?
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Jan
20
2012
Vicodin with apple juice and graham crackers.
Yesterday started out like the day before it and the day before that and the day before that. I was getting ready for work. I was buttoning my shirt when all of a sudden I heard a crack and pain shot through my neck. I couldn’t move my head, even the slightest. The pain was unbearable. I managed to get to my bed where I laid down for an hour and a half, because I couldn’t move. So of course my cat Obo decided to sit on my chest.
I was scared. I knew I needed help. I called my mom. I am so lucky that she lives here. I persuaded my mom to come over. By the time she got here I was surrounded by two cats and I dog who would not leave me alone. My mom tried to get me to move but the pain was so bad I started crying. Finally I realized that I had to go to the hospital, and this was terrible news.
This meant I had to waste a really cute outfit.
We get to the hospital and damn, what a nice hospital. UCLA hospital is like a really nice hotel. We had to wait about an hour but in that time the kindest nurse I have ever met (Hi Nadia!) saw me and said, “You look like you’re in a lot of pain. You’re so pale. Would you like a Vicodin and some juice and crackers?” JOKE’S ON HER I ALWAYS LOOK PALE. No but seriously. Then later we get into a room and wait some more. And I get more pain killers! The doctor comes in and examines me and determines that there are no broken bones and that I have torn a large muscle in my neck. Ew. They run some tests. They send me on my merry way. Merry because I was so high.
And here I am. In pain. In bed.
Now here’s the thing. There are people who look at a situation like this and think, “Bummer, that sucks.” Then there are people who see this and look for the meaning in it. Why did this happen? Karma? Or is it a message that I need to slow down?
My cynical side really wants to roll my eyes at my spiritual side. But lately I feel like it can’t hurt (pun not intended) to look at things from a view different from my own. Who was it who said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”? Probably Neil Patrick Harris.
Has something weird and/or traumatic happen to you that made you wonder if there was a deeper meaning behind it?
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Jan
17
2012
How to have fun at parties.
There’s the obvious answer: get drunk. But sometimes you don’t want to drink. Like…uh…when you already feel nauseous! Or you’re pregnant (ew). Or you’re allergic. Or someone is paying you not to. Yeah, those are pretty much the only situations where you wouldn’t drink at a party.
In this scenario you have fallen under one of those situations, you poor soul. So what do you do to keep things interesting? I have some ideas.
Make up things about your life. It’s not lying if you’re joking inside. Here are some answers I’ve used in the past to the dreaded question, “What do you do?”
– “I’m Sharon Stone’s personal assistant. I mostly get her dry cleaning and go with her parties. Helps her feel young again.”
– “I work at a zoo.” (“Doing what?”) “Animal stuff.”
– “I am the Internet.”
Feel free to adopt these!
Instagram the shit out of everything. I accidentally addicted to Instagram (follow me @apocalypstick.) By taking artsy bullshit photos you force yourself to have fun and force those following you to see how much fun you’re having. I promise you that you will not be the only swine on Instagram at that party. And who cares? You’re sassy.
Take control over the music. As a host, there is nothing more annoying than someone hijacking your ipod/record player/DJ/string quartet but as a guest, there is nothing more annoying than rubbish music. Here are some classic jams that everyone secretly loves to get the party swinging :
– “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal.
– “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. If you play the Glee version, just get the fuck out.
– anything Stevie Wonder.
– “Get What You Give” by New Radicals.
– “Save Tonight” by Eagle Eye Cherry.
Think, “would this make a good story?” and if the answer is yes, do it. Basically, standing awkwardly without speaking to anyone does not make a good story.
Try these and report back.
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Jan
12
2012
Well, how did I get here?
I am so sorry I haven’t updated in a while. A week ago I asked you to submit suggestions on what I should blog about next. Then based on those suggestions I asked you to vote on your favorite.
You assholes voted for me to discuss my thoughts on the movie Twins. I haven’t seen Twins and I haven’t gotten around to it yet. So this post will not be about the movie Twins.
P.S. Twins.
More P.S. I say “assholes” lovingly.
I haven’t gotten around to watching Twins or updating my blog because I have been busy and overwhelmed. It’s mostly great that I’m so busy but it’s also a little frightening. I’m trying to get used to an entirely new schedule and squeezing myself into it. By the time I get home from work (after sitting in traffic for two hours, no lies no fries) I am exhausted. I eat (poorly), exercise (sometimes) and basically go to bed. I want to do so much more! But my body and my brain check out. Sometimes I am able to cook dinner when I get home. Sometimes I shove a hot pocket into my mouth instead. But I do microwave it first, I am classy with limits.
I love my job. I love my blog. I love the other blogs and magazine I write for. I really do! But sometimes I just want to run away and don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back. I asked my boyfriend to come with me and he said he was too lazy. I asked my friend Josh and he said he couldn’t because his skin tight jeans were at the cleaner’s. Then I basically ran out of people to ask.
How do people do it? How do they balance everything? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. It’s more like, this is a shed and this is an ugly, ugly woman who wears leggings as pants. And I am letting the days go by. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same. As. It. Ever was. I guess what I’m trying to say, is, it’s the same as it ever was. But it also isn’t.
And why the hell do I have an ad for paper towels on my blog? (Anyone with a cute Etsy store want to advertise on my blog?)
Please. Help me. What do you do when you get overwhelmed?
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Jan
10
2012
Her & His.
Think of this as our homage to “She & Him” and you’ll get the idea. Enjoy!
Jan
4
2012
Readers talk back.
A long ass time ago I said I would interview the 1,000th person to “like” me on on Facebook and I did and then I forgot to post it because I’m an asshole. Congrats to Hillary for being my 1,000th like and to Matthew for being my superfan. I interviewed them both. They’re hilarious. Thank God. I mean, of course they are!!! Why wouldn’t they be??
1. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
M: Well, obviously. I also often feel like one that is drifting through the wind. Wanting to start again.
H: Totally. Actually, not totally. Partially. Actually, I feel kind of like a paper bag sometimes. Like, a paper bag can’t really drift through the wind, but it can definitely roll around on the ground while it tries to make it’s way to some new life experience. Also, “Paper Bag” is my fave Fiona Apple song. Yes, Fiona Apple is still relevant to me.
2. How did you find my blog?
M: Well you see, I know this poet person (she tweets like a tweet god @fartmaster5000, that’s not her real name. lol) and she posted a video of yours on her Tumblr, “How To Get Over A Break Up”, which is still my favorite video of yours. For a while, I only watched your videos and LOVED them. Then, I eventually found and read your blog religiously and told ALL my friends about you and your loveliness.
H: If I’m remembering correctly, I found your blog through Filleosophy. I believe it was when you gals did that advice formspring thingy. Then I proceeded to read every single one of your entries. You think I’m joking? Is Mick Jagger your real dad? Yes.
3. What do you order at Starbucks?
M: Tall Carmel Macchiato, because life is sweet!
H: Starbucks is so intimidating! It’s like going to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and the locals aren’t very friendly. I’ve only been once, and that was for a meeting with my boss. I didn’t order anything. Instead, I sat there clinging to my purse for dear life and making note of all the exits. What in the hell is a venti? Sounds like a type of car to me.
4. What is your dream job? (It doesn’t have to exist!)
M: At times, being homeless in New York seems like it would be my dream “job”. I actually plan on attending film school, so I guess my dream job would be a film directing job. Or, you know, being a bum on the street. I’ll take what I can get.
H: This is really tough because I think I’d be content with doing nothing my entire life. Literally. I could sit and do nothing forever. BUT that is no way to live, so I think my dream job would have to be a professional people watcher. Is that creepy? I don’t mean it to be. I just want to go all over the world and observe. I don’t need interaction, just observation. Is that creepy? I think it probably is. Whatever, this is my dream and you’re all living in it.
5. Someone is visiting your city/town. Tell them where to go and what to wear and what NOT to do.
M: Hahaha! Well, I live in this little town called Paulding, Ohio. I think the population is around 8,000. So, as you might expect, fashion and culture isn’t exactly busting from every corner. I guess I would tell them to go to the nearest exit, wear whatever you please, and to NEVER come back again??
H: Welcome to Raleigh, North Carolina! We have something for everyone in this fair city! Would you like to go to a place where all the dudes are named ‘Trip’ and wear Callaway visors? Natty Greene’s, it is. How bout a bar full of flannel-clad men with beards and Buddy Holly glasses? Raleigh Times, it is. Better yet, want to go somewhere where you can drink three Long Island Iced Teas and ask the D.J.(multiple times) to play “Diva” by Beyonce and can he turn the fog machine on pleazzzz? Downtown Sports Bar, baby. (Yeah, I did that once. I love Beyonce. And fog). What to wear? Stick to skinny jeans, a tank top, and heels (or black flats, if you’re me). If it’s cold, throw on a blazer. I’ve also seen lots of girls wearing fur vests lately. I used to want one until I saw that lots of girls are wearing them lately. What NOT to do? There’s nothing you can’t do! Just like NYC. I will say this, though: don’t be from any other state besides North Carolina. I’m pretty sure smuggling cocaine into the country is easier than getting into a bar with a Virginia license. You think this i.d. with the pretty dogwood flower background is a fake, man? OKAY. WHATEVER. This thing has RAISED PRINT, dude.
Follow Hillary here and read her blog here. Follow Matthew here.
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