A few nights ago, I went to a house party with a dear redheaded friend. I love house parties. It’s the unexpected factor. Will there be good drinks? Will there be cute guys? Will this be the house party that you saw in the movies, the one where everyone had a good time and there’s fun indie music playing in the background and you all wound up jumping into a pool and then dancing in front of a huge fireplace? Who knows?!

This house party had none of those things. However, they did have food, which I will give them major, major props for. Then again, they also had minimal seating and a very loud band. Look, I’m an old person, I guess. I want to go to a party where I don’t have to drink cheap vodka out of a red plastic cup and where I don’t have to pretend to care about your stupid band that Pitchfork just loves. I want to have adult conversations and adult drinks. At least people are starting to dress better. Yikes, here I go. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I am an old gay man trapped in a young woman’s body.

But that’s not important right now.

Most of the party was spent with the two of us talking solely to each other. I wasn’t in the mood to socialize with others. I was just in the mood to look good and pose. Which is basically what I did. I admit, I could have been nicer. But when a drunk girl practically collapses into your lap exclaiming, “WHOA, I did NOT see those steps there!” and cackles like Bette Midler without the charm, am I supposed to smile and agree? Or am I just a huge bitch?

Here’s where it went from awkward to straight up uncomfortable. My friend and I wandered into the living room and I saw in front of me a very attractive man. He was tall, had the profile of Adrien Brody, and the glasses of Don Draper, if Don Draper wore glasses. Basically I’m saying he was a handsome, well-dressed man. He looked oddly familiar. I was pretty sure that he wasn’t actually Adrien Brody, so why did he look so familiar? And then, like a sharp hiccup, it came to me.

This was my Facebook crush.

A long time ago, I went “boy shopping” on Facebook. I scanned friends and friends of friends for cute boys. I found one and I messaged him saying, “I don’t know you, but I think you’re cute.” He added me back. I looked at his photos, came to the conclusion that he had a girlfriend, and that was that. Eventually I landed a relationship of my own (which recently exploded, like the rockets’ red glare) and never thought of him again.

Until I saw him, in person, at this party.

“Oh no,” I thought. “The internet is here.”

I didn’t introduce myself. I don’t think he noticed me. Probably because I tried my hardest to become one with the wall. But it was a shame. There he was, cuter in person, with a (most likely) girlfriend in tow, and I was doing my best to pretend like we didn’t have access to each others’ newsfeeds. Not like I’m assuming he even checked my Facebook profile. Which brings me to another “I am secretly an old person” eye roll: when did the Internet go from being a convenient way to meet people to a new way to make people feel awkward?

I whispered to my friend the whole messy scenario. We then escaped outside. Where I ran into ANOTHER guy I was friends with on Facebook but not in “real life.” We ignored each other. Or rather, I ignored him, while he probably took no notice of me and if he did, had no idea who I was. The Internet is here, and it’s a real thing, and it’s freaking me out. I do not like what this beast has unleashed upon my generation. Like we don’t have enough problems (hello, fucked up economy, nice to see you again).

As usual, I blame the internet for everything. Always.

We’ve Been Had — The Walkmen

{ 11 comments }

Posted in: dating,facebook,fear and loathing

Jul

26

2010

Thank you.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERYONE! Thank you for sending me your questions! I loved them! (Except for that one question and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I think I may know who you are too. And I don’t understand. Also you’re misinformed and rumors aren’t very nice.) Whatever! Yay! Now I just have to edit it together. Look for it by the end of the week! To thank you for your questions and your patience I present you with a weird — yet astounding in its ability to work — mash-up

Tik Stop (The Supremes Vs Ke$ha) — Chambaland Mashup

{ 4 comments }

Posted in: Uncategorized

HEY FRIENDS. We are friends aren’t we? Clap once for yes, twice for no. So here’s my plan. I’m going to do another Q&A video where you send me questions via my formspring and I’ll answer them, but this time with a twist: I’m not going to read the questions beforehand. I’ll turn on the camera, open up formspring, and just start answering. Does that sound fun to you?? Then ask me a question here. In five days I’ll be back and you’ll have answers.

(Just please don’t be mean. Don’t ask me anything gross. Don’t make me cry. I’m fragile right now.)

Back To Cali Gurls (Katy Perry and Notorious B.I.G.) — IDK who to credit this to but I got it from salacioussound.com

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Posted in: Uncategorized

Tonight we’re going to delve into a new thing on Apocalypstick, a little something called “Advice From Dudes In A Band.” The band in question is A Crowd Electric and they’re so fucking cool that looking at their photo made you a little cooler. (You’re welcome.) The duo (Sparrow Hall and David Crabb) hail from New York and just released their new EP, which is great to blast in your Mini Cooper with the top down as you drive down Sunset and is also great for when you’re just sick of hearing “Bulletproof.” They were kind enough to answer my inane questions.

APOCALYPSTICK: If you had to describe your music as a cross between a few different bands or artists, how would you describe it?

A CROWD ELECTRIC: Pet Shop Boys, Depeche Mode, Presets, and Bette Midler.

A: Pitch me “A Crowd Electric: The Movie.”

ACE: Two fabulous drag queens from late 80s Manchester time travel into the bodies of two white men in 2010 NYC. Beats ensue.

A: What should one wear to one of your shows?

ACE: Something that would work in a crowd scene in Blade Runner and a party scene in Less Than Zero.

A: What’s the worst thing someone can do on a date?

ACE: Say they like the Dave Matthews Band. Or under-tip.

A: What are your favorite places to go in Brooklyn?

DAVID: Bakeri, Five Leaves, CUP and Manhattan Inn in Williamsburg/Greenpoint. The Cobble Hill movie theatre where they STILL show real discount matinees in the afternoon.

SPARROW: DuMont, Brooklyn Label, HUGS, Blackbird Café, Le Grenier Antiques, Word Bookstore.

A: What’s the best compliment you’ve gotten on your music?

ACE: It drives them crazy.

A: What’s the worst thing someone’s said about your music?

ACE: It drives them crazy.

A: I’ve got eighty bucks and I want to have a fun night out. What should I do?

DAVID: Find someone to love and love you so intensely it hurts. If you already have that person, hurray! You’re halfway there. Then fuck, eat and watch a movie. Repeat as necessary.

SPARROW: Friday night in the East Village: A burger at The Smith, cheap drinks and a game of pool at Blue & Gold, then a night thrashing around a dance floor at Trash! Party at The Studio at Webster Hall if you want to look cool around people in pointy boots. Or Beauty Bar if you want to make out with someone to Justin Timberlake.

A: This last question is kind of intense. Do you like cats? And if so, do you like cats dressed as humans?

DAVID: I always enjoy animals dressed as humans, but I especially enjoy monkeys dressed as humans. Particularly if they’re acting out scenes from classic Hollywood films. That being said, I wouldn’t go to a circus if you paid me. The situation with animals there always depresses me. More importantly, I think Britney has (hopefully) put a moratorium on any more circus-themed pop for at least ten years.

SPARROW: Funny you should ask this. My first date ever involved me taking a girl to see the Broadway tour of Cats. Which is pretty baller when it comes to high school nerds. And the fact that she wasn’t even my girlfriend. That’s right, ladies. Hit me up on the A Crowd Electric website if you know how you want to be treated.

To put their music to the ultimate test (blasting it as you drive around at night) download “Reckless” here:

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Posted in: advice from dudes in a band,music,name-dropping

How To Get Over A Break-Up from Almie Rose on Vimeo.

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Posted in: video

I’ve given you tips on what to wear to your greatest summer ever and how to have the greatest summer parties ever but now I’m going to a final hint on how to conquer this summer: it’s all in your mind. “Having the greatest anything” is all a state of mind. You have to realize that you can do anything you want. It’s like our greatest childhood heroes LeVar Burton and Yoda told us. Well, LeVar didn’t actually sing, “I can be anything” but he did host Reading Rainbow. Yoda actually did say, “Do or not; there is no try.” Do you see how these two comments are related? Are you going to say something cynical like, “Yeah they’re both written by Hollywood writers who got stupidly rich off of children’s dreams”? You could say that, sure. Or you could look at it a different way and say, “Yes, I see. They both say that if I apply myself and believe in myself, and work hard, I can do anything!” Or something. You can connect the dots however you like. That’s the beauty of it! I’m not going to tell you how to do things or how to look at things. But I’m going to help you realize that you can have it all. Anything you want, you can make it yours. Anything you want it the world. Yes, I quoted a pop song just now, but Shakira and “Weezy” were really onto something powerful.

You can go anywhere or do anything already thinking that it’s going to be awesome and it will be. That’s how you have the best anything ever. Sure, there are times when you feel like taking 3 vicodin and calling it an evening while crying into your pillow but these times will pass. Go out, stay in, do what you feel is going to give you the best time out of your life. What are you doing with those cigarettes you picked up? Give those away. People love free cigarettes! If you hand them out at parties you will become the most popular person there. Then take whatever’s leftover, dump water on them, and throw them away. They will only make you look ugly. Maybe not now. Maybe now you look cool. But no one has ever smoked cigarettes long term and looked better than before they started.

You want to have the best summer ever? Do it. Do it now. Do whatever makes you feel good. Don’t workout because “you’re supposed to” do it because of the high you get when you’re finished. Do it because it makes you feel powerful. If you want to eat Egg McMuffins a few times a week instead of a “proper breakfast” then do that too. This is your summer. There is no shame in enjoying the small pleasures life has to offer. Because life can really fuck with you if you let it. But life can also offer you friends to talk to and places to go dancing. I know it might hurt now. I know you may not believe me that you really can have the best time of your life. Let me believe it for you. Then maybe you can believe it for me. Now go out and have fun.

California Gurls vs. Tik Tok (Does anyone know who I can credit this mash-up to?)

{ 14 comments }

Posted in: HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!

In Part 1 we talked about attending summer parties. Now let’s talk about how we’re going to dress this summer. This summer is all about dressing for success. You want to wear what’s comfortable or you want to wear what’s ridiculous. There is no in-between. You’re either going to wear that oversized Garfield t-shirt you’ve had since fifth grade or you’re going to wear your new vintage cocktail dress with fishnet tights and 90s Nine West boots. Don’t get stuck in the middle. The middle is nowhere. The middle is American Apparel, head-to-toe Urban Outfitters, or an uninspired outfit from the mall. AND THAT’S NOT HOW WE HAVE A GREAT SUMMER. No, no, we want to dress like Oberon or Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream meets Kylie Minogue. French 1960s cinema with a Kanye twist. Sexy George Washington. These are looks we should be going for.

Because it’s about more than what you wear. It’s about how brave you are. Or how creative. Or how fun. Or how strong. It’s about taking what’s inside you at this very moment and putting it on your body and face. (Don’t forget the makeup! Or sunscreen!) Don’t forget to dress for you, for how you really want. What was it Queen said? They said, “SHOW MUST GO ON.” Maybe you’re dying on the inside. Maybe you’re filled with rage. Or maybe you’re just filled with too much Chipotle. SHOW MUST GO ON. Good music and good summer fun can turn it all around. New clothes, vintage clothes, thrifted clothes, mall clothes, any clothes can make you feel better. Now say it with me, what did Queen say? I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE, I WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE.

“But Apocalypstick, I’m not going to any summer parties!” Hey, you + one other person + this current month = summer party! A party isn’t about how many people are there (though at least three is best) it’s about your attitude. You could dress up and walk into a Costco and make that a summer party. What not? Free samples are like appetizers! Go up to your fellow shoppers and thank them for coming! You’ve got the magic in you!

It’s great to buy things. The right clothing purchase can save your life.

Heartless — Kanye West

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Posted in: HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!