Why 2007 was the Best Year Ever

Oh, hello secret blog! Yes, this was my plan all along: start a blog, make it successful, make money off of it, suddenly decide to ignore it, get a “real writing job,” abandon blog.

no reactions nope smh chewbacca

OKAY, you caught me — I didn’t purposefully make a decision to do these things, but now that my blog is no longer popular, I feel I can really spill my heart, soul, guts, and metabolism here. So it works out for everyone, really.

But that’s not important right now.

Look: I am (mostly) happy where my life is right now. I have a boyfriend I live with, and he is a wonderful person and not one of those boys I agonized over on this very blog.

Election 2016 laughing laugh hillary clinton al smith dinner

I also have something of a career, meaning, I have a full time job writing. I also have been signed with managers.

The downside?

Since this blog was popular I have lost about 20 friends and gained about 20 pounds.

However, I believe this is just something that happens with age, though I am trying to fight it. Especially the gaining weight part.

OK, OK, whatever — why was 2007 “the best year ever”?

I’m so glad you asked, dear reader. (I daren’t assume “dear readers” as I am pretty sure this blog as been abandoned in expert form, as I have so done.)

2007 was The Best Year Ever because…

  • I was young. And not in a way where if I suddenly died, people would say generously, “and she was too young!” I mean in a real, I am constantly carded and constantly irresponsible young sort of way.
  • Celebrity gossip blogs were at their motherfucking peak. Perez Hilton was still fairly new, and wasn’t annoying AF. Crazy Days and Nights debuted (I think. I’m honestly way too lazy to fact-check. This isn’t The Washington Post.)
  • Fashion blogging was also at its motherfucking peak. (Susie Bubble. Keiko Lynn. Man Repeller — brand new. Others, whose names have been lost to the years and Google is unable to unearth with my meager recollections.)
  • Let’s be honest: ALL blogging was at its motherfucking peak. Why would anyone blog in 2016 when there is Snapchat and Instagram and etc?
  • Lindsay Lohan could not be stopped.

Okay wait so now that I’m actually thinking about this, I’m going to say that it was either 2006 or 2009 that was The Best Year Ever, and this is based on me not being able to find any photos of me from 2007.

But here’s one of me (blonde and skinny) from 2006:

Blonde Almie Rose

“I was so thin!” she says, showing her boyfriend the photo. “WHOA,” he says, shattering any illusion that she hadn’t gained *that* much weight.

In Conclusion

I hate getting older and I am posting all of this because my birthday is next Monday and I can hardly believe this is me.


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Best Picture Nominees 2016

best picture nominees 2016

David Bowie is dead. This has nothing to do with the best picture nominees of 2016, but it needs to be said. I am having a difficult time coping with his death, so I thought I’d try and distract myself by writing about movies. So here is my take on the 2016 best picture nominees, as represented by GIFs of David Bowie.


Mad Max: Fury Road

David Bowie

Mad Max is a movie about the worst road trip ever. You’ve got Tom Hardy who is, yet again, wearing a stupid thing on his face. You’ve got a bunch of angry Australian people. You’ve got Charlize Theron being totally badass but only having 6 lines. The whole thing is like a ride at Universal Studios, but the kind of ride where you’re sitting in something and the screen is moving but you’re barely moving, and you’re trying to believe that you’re there, but if you just look behind you, you see an exit sign, but you’re not allowed to leave. And everyone else around you is like, “Holy shit, guys, we’re moving!” and you’re like, “No, we’re not, we’re not doing anything” and then you take some Ativan and suddenly the film is a lot more enjoyable.


The Revenant

David Bowie

The Revenant is a movie about the worst camping trip ever. Leonardo DiCaprio gets left behind in the snowy wilderness by Tom Hardy, who, instead of having a face contraption, has a stupid beard, so once again, you can’t tell it’s Tom Hardy. Fuck that guy. That guy needs to man up and show his fucking face. Anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio has to find food and shelter, and he soon realizes that sometimes, those are the same thing. And he’ll probably win an Oscar for this which will be awesome because then everyone can shut the fuck up about him not having an Oscar.



David Bowie

Room is a movie about the worst landlord ever. Brie Larson plays a woman who is trapped in a room for 7 years with a kid. Jesus Christ. The kid is annoying. Then William H. Macy shows up, acts pissed off, and leaves the movie. Oh, and spoiler alert: it’s not even a room, it’s a shed. False advertising. It should be called Shed.



David Bowie

Spotlight is a movie about the worst episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit ever. A bunch of newspapers reporters are like, “Aw, jeez, priests are touching kids!” And Mark Ruffalo is like, “Someone’s gotta stop them, guys! They’re touching kids! We gotta stop ’em!” and slams a door. And everyone’s like, “Yeah.” And Stabler and Benson are nowhere to be found, so it’s basically the longest, most boring episode of SVU ever made.


Bridge of Spies

David Bowie

Bridge of Spies is a movie about the worst bridge ever. There are so many great bridges out there, like the Brooklyn Bridge, or the Golden Gate Bridge, or the Bridge on the River Kwai, or Jeff Bridges. And they choose to make a movie about a bridge of spies? That isn’t even structurally sound. Pass.


The Big Short

David Bowie

The Big Short is a movie about the worst episode of The Office ever. Steve Carrell is Michael Scott but without the endearing qualities of Michael Scott. Ryan Gosling is a jacked-up Jim. Brad Pitt is Stanley, because he doesn’t give a fuck. And Christian Bale is skinny Dwight. Everyone’s talking at you through the screen and commenting on what’s going on and you’re just like, what the fuck is going on, is this a movie? Or is this a YouTube video that got out of control? And where are the leading female characters? Did the 2008 housing crisis happen only to men?


The Martian

david bowie gif 1

The Martian is a movie about why we should never let Matt Damon go into space. How the fuck do you get typecast as the guy who gets stranded in space? We get it, you suck at space. Stop going there. Space is not for you. Jesus.



David Bowie

Brooklyn is a movie about who the fuck cares, this looks boring as shit.


Goddamnit, I miss David Bowie.


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On Jealousy


Hey, writers: you ever have something you really want to put out there, but you’re afraid of how it will be received? This is one of them.

Sometimes you’re riding through life in a convertible and the sun is shining, but isn’t too hot, it’s just right, and your favorite song is playing, and you’ve got your babes by your side (yes, babes, not babe), and you’re thinking, “Wow, life is wonderful.”

But sometimes, it is too hot, and you’re sweating, and your ass is sticking to your fake leather seat, and the radio is playing a bunch of bullshit and you’re alone, and you’re thinking, “Wow, life sucks.”

And you look over in the other lane and you see an asshole who is just cruising, and you think, “Screw that guy, I’ve got a convertible, too, I’m a good person, too, why is he having fun and I’m not? I hate him.”

(That long-ass, long-winded analogy is about jealousy, in case you didn’t you get that.)

And my point is that, I’m usually pretty good at not even looking in the other lane and if I do, I nod my head, and reluctantly let the driver merge. Uh, this is also a metaphor, because when I’m actually driving, I definitely check the surrounding lanes, and I always let people merge, because I am a safe driver, and my insurance company will tell you that.

You get what I’m saying? Okay, if not, here it is: I’m usually really good with keeping my jealousy in check.

But sometimes, I’m not. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because, to go to the default, “I’m human.” Maybe because I feel the world owes me something it doesn’t. Maybe because I’ve had too much to drink.

And when this happens, I go into a real gross, ugly place. I think, “Why is ‘Sally LeAwesome’ killing it, and I’m not? Yeah, Sally LeAwesome is my friend, and I’m totally happy for her, but I remember a point where I had way more Twitter followers than she did, and now not only does she have more followers, but she sold a pilot, and has great abs! Fuck Sally LeAwesome!”

When this happens, I feel terrible, for two main reasons: 1. because jealousy is a terrible feeling, and 2. because I feel petty, and I hate feeling petty (unless it’s TOM PETTY, am I RIGHT??? HA. A HA HA HA. A HA HA HA HA HA!)

So what do I do? I get over it. How? I remind myself that their success in no way detracts from mine, and they’re my friend who worked hard to succeed, so good on them. And if they’re not my friend? I shrug my damn shoulders and eat a sandwich and then usually feel better after that.

But as lame as jealousy is, I still feel it’s important to discuss. I’m totally over pretending like I never get jealous. I don’t think that’s healthy, or remotely helpful. I think if we all just admitted that we get jealous, we’d have a much better chance at succeeding for ourselves. Because if you say, “Hey, I’m jealous of Sally LeAwesome, but that’s okay,” you can move on with your damn life and work even harder to be good. But if you deny it, you just let it fester, and the next thing you know, you have to have your leg amputated and your convertible needs a car wash.

I’m sorry, those metaphors got away from me there.

Hopefully, you get my point.

My confession: I get jealous. Sometimes, checking Facebook hurts my soul. But I’m okay with that. There’s nothing wrong with me. I want my friends to succeed and kick ass, but there’s nothing wrong with admitting that you know what, I want to succeed and kick ass, too.

How do you conquer jealousy? What makes you jealous?

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Photo by Nina Leen via LIFE photo archives for Google.


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10 Things British Guys Will Love About You

british guys

Allow me to state the obvious: British guys are dreamy. If that’s a stereotype, I hope it’s one they’re happy to bear. So when DateBritishGuys.com approached me about writing this post, I said, absolutely. It’s hard to resist a British man; they seem so utterly charming no matter what, even if they’re cursing. (They actually sound bloody fantastic when they curse.) It’s no secret that I adore British men (for example, Sir Paul McCartney is my ideal boyfriend), and I’m clearly not alone. Hooray for Brits!

But what may surprise you is that are certain things British men adore about us, as well. I asked some British guys who date American women what they love most about non-British ladies, and was, shall we say, chuffed, by their responses. Here are 10 things British guys will love about you!

(Of course, it should be noted that all men are different — as are women — and results may vary.)


10.) Your accent!

That’s right, the accent adoration is a two-way street. One particular Brit has a fondness for Texan girls. You may think you may not even have an accent, but you totally do, and they find it delightful. So own it!

9.) Your openness.

American women in particular, are a lot more open compared to their British counterparts (especially English girls). That isn’t to say that all English women are closed-off; it’s just that American women have a certain breezy, carefree “my life is an open book” way of living.

8.) Your frank conversation.

British men love that we’re more than willing to “go there” and call out what needs calling out. One Brit noted that we have, “the readiness to engage in conversation”, and we’re not shy about it. They appreciate that level of boldness, that we’ll just walk up to them and say what’s on our minds, and that over cocktails, we’ll keep it real.

7.) Your sense of humor.

Brits are well-known for their signature dry sense of humor, but that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate our “goofy” sense of humor as well. I’ve always believed that bonding over humor is one of the best ways for a couple to connect, so don’t be afraid to crack a few jokes (and we know you won’t be).

6.) Your attitude towards sex.

To be frank (and we’ve learned that we should be), British men do in fact like that, contrary to popular belief, America isn’t as hung up on sex as you would think. I’m not saying that American girls are “easy” or anything so crass or disrespectful; I’m saying that we have a certain openness about sex, be it sexual innuendo and/or jokes, which suggests that we don’t take the whole thing too seriously.

5.) Your sense of fun.

“There is also the fun side, not fearing appearing stupid in the pursuit of having fun,” one British man revealed. “It’s somewhat endearing.” Hear that, ladies? Don’t be afraid to have fun! Embrace every moment and go with the flow, as they say.

4.) Your brashness.

Did you know there’s a stereotype British men have about American women — that we’re brash? And did you know that they kind of love it? Sure, some of them think we’re “too loud”, but some praise us for being “slightly aggressive.” Just keep in mind that being brash is okay — being full on rude is not.

3.) Your smile.

This one surprised me, but one British man I spoke to commented specifically about the smile of American women. “I think, on average, [American women] actually have a wider smile…and are ALWAYS using it — though they might just be reacting to an English accent, who knows.” I never really thought about it, but I suppose we are a smiley bunch.

2.) Your confidence.

Having confidence on a date or while flirting can be hard, but many British men singled out our confidence as being an especially desirable quality. One man reported, “There’s nothing more sexy than a self-assured confident woman…I’ve never met an American woman that’s isn’t — [it’s] hot!” And why wouldn’t it be? Who doesn’t love someone who is completely confident (NOT cocky, but confident)? So do whatever it is you have to do to boost your confidence, whether it’s wearing your favorite pair of sky-high heels or psyching yourself up in the mirror beforehand. Hey, no shame in that game.

1.) Your total adoration of British men!

Simply put, British men aren’t mad that non-British women are crazy for them. They know simply being British is like having a superpower, and they’re well aware of the spell they cast. And they kind of dig how into it we are.


Photo by Ludovic Bertron via Flickr.


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I Talked To A Psychic Over The Phone And Treated It Like Therapy


I am very open to psychics, and astrology. Once, a woman stopped me on the street and hold me I HAD to call her for a reading, because there was something she just HAD to tell me. She gave me her card, and I was totally ready to call her until I realized that on the card, she had spelled the word “spiritual” incorrectly. (I believe she spelled it, “speritual.” That was it for me.)

So when I got an email asking if I was interested in a free “love reading,” I said yes, but asked instead if it could be a career reading, because for once, I am very satisfied with my love life and have no questions. They said absolutely, and arranged for me to do the reading over the phone.

I’ve done phone readings before, and to be honest, I kind of treat them like therapy. Therapists and psychics really do have a lot in common. They both listen to you, remind you of your finest qualities, and offer some form of advice. A common misconception is that psychics tell you what will happen. Not really. A good psychic will never claim to know exactly what will happen to you and when. They merely open the door to possible futures, based on what they know about you, which shouldn’t be a lot. And if you’re just as open to them, you might get something out of it.

Here’s what went down: I got a call from a friendly voice who asked me for specific questions about my career. (It’s good to prepare a list of questions to ask beforehand). I asked those questions and she then asked me to say my name three times in a row. Okay. “Almie…Almie…Almie.” I sort of expected some sort of Beetlejuice thing to happen, but, alas.

Here’s what she said about me:

“[You’re] not looking directly at something, [you’re] looking away from something, instead of being focused forward.” 

“[You’re] a perfectionist who doesn’t like to make mistakes.”

She added, there’s “an area where [you’re] being mislead in some way.” That, “someone is being less than honest with me (in the business world).” She proceeded to compliment me, calling me “very witty” and said that I have a way of “helping others feel comfortable with themselves.

Here comes the future stuff: “I see you taking a big leap forward, more on your own, as you’re the one running the show. The path is very straightforward and direct. Less turmoil around you, almost less of the side jobs. [You’re like a] subway, and it’s going really fast.

This is the part where she told me that I was going to write “three things.” Tangible things. She says I “need” to write more, and as a result of writing these three things, I was going to be “very successful”, more than I ever expected. (Yes, I did tell her I was a writer, but that was it.) She said by October, one of the things I was writing would be completed, and that I shouldn’t delay. “Don’t delay, you live in LA” — this was a phrase that was stuck in her mind.

She totally called out that I feel stuck a lot, and that when this happens, I need to “take a break” and “go to the beach” or “sit by the water.” She added, “I see you on a small stage with a mic and you’re holding one of your books and talking about it and people love it.

Okay, sweet. Then she said this:

There’s a man out there who is saying unkind things about [you], criticized [you]. This is an odd person.” I didn’t know who she was referring to, other than, you know, the entire Internet.

Overall, she was complimentary and oddly motivating. And when I asked her about a specific job interview coming up, she got specific too, saying I was, “one of the most qualified people. They’re showing [your] foot in the door, it’s a 3 step process. I’m getting a big push from a spirit with this job interview, but you’re going to outgrow this job.” In the end, I wound up not taking the job (but it had nothing to do with what she told me, I promise.)

I hope my great job still lies in front of me. She said I should get used to being backstage; that I, “really have creative life and you’ve got the ticket. Just hold steady.” As for what’s getting in my way? She says it’s — get ready for this — myself. (Twist!). “Just get out of your own way.” She really nailed that part, and also the part where she told me, “you didn’t start too late, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be…you did not miss any opportunities. you are right where you’re supposed to be.”

That warmed my heart.

So, we’ll see, Internet. We’ll see.


Do you believe in psychics? Ever had a reading? How did it go?


Photo by Nina Leen, via LIFE photo archives for Google.


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Top 10 Things You Need To Do In 5 Ways To Be 20 Times Better At These 4 Things (By Age 30)


Sometimes, when you’re doing things, you have to do other things, and that’s a hardship in anyone’s life. We all strive to be better at doing these things, and that’s why I’m offering these tips. Because there are moments when certain things in our lives become other things in our lives and that’s when we realize that we can do any of the things. I believe in all of you. Here are the Top 10 Things You Need To Do In 5 Ways To Be 20 Times Better At These 4 Things (By Age 30). The second thing will shock you!

10. Text your man sexy texts!


Ladies, this is a real truth that may shock you, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it, as I am not a sugarcoater deviant — your man isn’t always gonna be there for you, so be sure to tart yourself up and send him some sexy texts — straight masterpieces! This isn’t slutshaming or a takedown of misogyny — don’t believe me? Just watch! No but seriously, ladies, it’s important to let your man know that he is the number one dude for you, unless he cheats on you, then leave him forever! Just do it! I am your God now.

9. Always believe in yourself.


It’s really hard to be a 20 something in this day and age, with the Internet and the cellular telephone devices and the Bluetooth technology. How do you even know where your brain ends and your iPhone begins? You don’t, and that’s not your fault. It’s going to be okay, because if you believe in yourself, everything is always okay forever and always. I believe you have the strength to be your truest self. So don’t not stop believin’.

8. Have a backup plan.


Heartbreakers gonna break break break break break break break break break break break break break break break and the fakers fake fake gonna fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake so shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it like a Polaroid picture off off off off off off.

7. The 1990’s is a decade!


OMG, when you have a Tamagotchi on a Sanrio mini backpack at a taping of Nickelodeon’s Guts, you are one tubular dude! We all danced to the hits of our times, so try dancing to two-hit wonders, instead of just the one-hit wonders (of the times) or else, A-ZIG-A-ZAG-AHHH!  Because any ’90’s kid will know that we got knocked down, but we got up again, because you ain’t EVER gonna keep us down! Does anyone else remember Are You Afraid of the Dark? LIKE OMG, the clown episode!!!! (Too “on the nose”? LOL)!

6. You won’t believe what this celebrity looks like now.


I’m not even going to post a photo of this celebrity, because you wouldn’t even believe it! Let’s just say, he or she looks like they’ve aged 10 years — and they totally have! Fuck them!

5. Don’t let anyone keep you from voicing your voice.


I believe at the bottom of my core that our voices — our voices — are what separate us from the animals. No offensive of course to animals — they’ve done so much for us. Have been there, for us, the same way that we — yes, we — can be there for each other. This isn’t to suggest that you have to be able to speak — no, no, you can communicate in many other ways, all of which are valid and special and unique to you, and I love you for it. I want you to be fearless. You’re a lion in a word of lemmings.

4. Your body is perfect just the way it is.



3. I saw a dog once.


It was cute and small and I saw it and said, “Doggy!” and my boyfriend acknowledged that I said that and we kept walking but as we kept walking, I smiled at the dog and it smiled back, in its own way.



Yes, this is somewhat controversial, but I firmly believe that we should all be nice to old people. Coming from my background it’s important to be kind to our elderly members of society because they know things that we don’t and who knows what they’ll do for us? Will they put us on Mars? Probably. So if we don’t treat them with the proper respect they deserve, we may not make it to the space station, and we’ll suffocate.

1. Be offended by everything.


Dear nation, nothing is good anymore, everything is terrible, there is no hope. My future, once laid out like a colorful map on a child’s restaurant placemat, is now as muddy and dirty as the face of a world-weary hobo. I am in a swimming pool that is lit by youth. I am weary, I am old, I am sailing on a boat made of newspaper, and like the medium itself, I am sinking. There is an ocean between all of us, an ocean of dreams and misspent anxieties. How can anyone say which path is the right one? There is no right path, there is only a desert. A desert of uncertainty, of broken spirits. It’s time to saddle up and forge our way through, no matter the costs. I am a pinwheel of pain, and I am in it alone. But who isn’t?


Don’t forget the bottle of Pinot Grigio, LOL! Which things can you recommend to do in 5 ways to be 20 times better at these 4 things by age 30? There are no wrong answers!


Photo by George Silk via LIFE Photo Archives for Google.



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Go Big: The Hottest Trend in Clutch Bags


(Note: this is a guest post by a Ms. Barbie, because I figured we could use a little more fashion on this blog.)

When you think of a clutch, you may imagine a perfect little handbag just the right size to carry all your daily essentials such as keys, credit cards, and smartphones, but 2015 is turning the familiar image of the clutch on its head.

Inspired by the portfolios long carried by creative spirits, larger clutches take advantage of the naturally minimalistic profile of the clutch bag to add exciting new dimensions to the platform as well as affording clutch chasers with some sorely-needed space for bigger items such as books, a tablet or a laptop.

Some of the industry’s most well-known designer retailers are at the forefront of the focus on more spacious clutches, and the fruits of their imaginations for spring and summer 2015 are sure to inspire new perspectives on just what role a clutch bag can play in your wardrobe.

Envelope Clutches

The envelope clutch is getting more than its share of attention in early 2015, presenting a dressed-down and approachable alternative to the more formal pieces popular in past seasons. DKNY, Sally LaPointe and Chanel are just a few of the names making prominent use of the envelope and folding clutch profiles in their early 2015 collections, making it a sure bet as a core component of this season’s hottest looks.

Oversized Fringed Clutches

Additions such as tassels and fringe can add free-spirited flair to otherwise unremarkable profiles, and a variety of spring exhibitions, including the imaginative procession of Anya Hindmarch, serve to highlight how much visual interest such a simple touch can add. The oversized clutch’s origins as the artist’s suitcase makes it a natural pairing for the whimsical aesthetic that fringe detailing can bring, and the oversized clutch in particular is an outstanding showcase for this retro-chic element.


Color-blocking is another popular retro-chic technique used to jazz up pieces in 2015, and the bold styling of the oversized clutch makes it a highly visible canvas for some of the most interesting color combinations offered by design houses in years.

Color-Blocked Bags

The spring/ summer 2015 handbag trends include almost all the colors of rainbow, however, there is one trend we are particularly excited about. Color-blocking continues to be an interesting technique of creating not only smashing looks, but also stylish bags, and this is what Valentino and Burberry Prorsum prove.


Photo by RomitaGirl67 via Flickr.


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