Previously on Sitting Awkwardly On The Couch I hung out with Cute Guy With Hair In His Face. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. We went out to dinner and it fell flat. Unfortunately right when I realized I really liked him, he stopped responding to my texts. I never heard from Cute Guy With Hair In His Face again. OR DID I? John Locke looked into the heart of the Island and what he saw was beautiful.

Firstly, let me say that I wanted to update with this third and final installment yesterday, but I didn’t want people to think it was an April Fools joke. Because this is real.

I did hear from him. Slowly, reluctantly, and with wounded pride, I let him back in. We talked for a while. We got to know each other. Then we got to know each other really well.

And now, I no longer sit alone awkwardly on couches, for someone else is sitting there with me.

But please don’t leave me, readers! Even though I am no longer single I can still find PLENTY to complain/write about. Like my acting career. That’s deader than Swayze.

Oh God, too soon?

I love you all.

Who Are You — The Who

Previously on Sitting Awkwardly On The Couch I went to a party and tried to hit on Edward Scissorhands guy. He wasn’t interested and left me on the couch when I noticed The Cute Guy With Hair In His Face. We talked a lot and then I left. I didn’t think I would hear from him again. Jack tells Kate that they have to go back.

I was getting Starbucks the next afternoon when he texted, “Yawn. (This is _________ by the way).” I thought that was cute so I asked him what he was up to. I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for and to be honest I still was not totally over Edward Scissorhands guy. I thought that The Cute Boy With Hair In His Face would be a fun diversion. I had no idea what was in store for me but this is what I thought at the time. We made plans to see each other that evening. He asked what I wanted to do and I asked him if he had MarioKart. What? WHAT? I don’t have a Wii. My friend Laura did and I was getting good at it. No, I know what you’re thinking. “Apocalypstick,” you’re asking, which is adorable because that’s not my real name but that’s OK, “I thought you said you never go to someone’s apartment on the first date unless you’re looking to just make out?” That’s very true. I will stress again that I had no idea what I was feeling emotionally and feelings blah blah Carrie Bradshaw. And yes, fine, I kind of wanted to just make out with the guy. But only after MarioKart. MarioKart was paramount.

Once again, I put on my big girl heels and sped off in my mini cooper. It wasn’t until half a second after I knocked on his door that I realized I didn’t really know what I was doing. He opened the door and smiled at me and his hair was still in his face and I didn’t know if I should hug him or high five him or what so I just sort of fell into him and hoped he would take care of it. He did.

I bet you can guess what happened next.

MARIOKART! But for some reason I sucked. Probably because I was nervous. But I really, really sucked. He asked if I was hungry. I wasn’t but I needed to do something else with my hands other than suck at MarioKart. We ordered pizza online, which blew my mind, because up until then I was ordering pizza over the telephone like Thomas Jefferson or some ancient shit.

Then we sat awkwardly on the couch for a little while.

We kissed, ate pizza, kissed again and a few hours later I was on my way home. He asked me to text him when I got home to ensure my safety, which I did. He responded with, “We never ate the ‘cinnastix.'” (A few months later, out of insane curiosity, I ordered some cinnastix to see what I was missing. It tasted like someone dipped a pair of Keds into cake frosting. So for Dominoes, it wasn’t too bad.)

We saw each other a couple more times and I think it was clear that neither of us knew what we were really doing with the other one. I asked him to take me on a “real date” and he told me to pick a restaurant. It wasn’t a Beyonce-style DISTASTAH but it was no Mary Poppins tea party on the ceiling either. We both liked each other but we didn’t know what to say. I made a lot of dumb jokes and he didn’t say much. But then something weird happened after that date. I realized that I actually really liked the guy. Unfortunately, he realized that he didn’t really like me. His texts trickled off and I soon stopped hearing from him completely. I agonized over what I did wrong. Was it one particular dumb joke? Was it the restaurant? I didn’t know and I hated that I cared. I hated that during our brief period of dating I was probably projecting this entire attitude of, “Whatever, dude.” And now it was too late.

Soon I forgot about his smile, the hair in his face, the way he made me feel happy, and the way he referred to my acting class as “zombie class” for reasons that I can’t remember but that I can guarantee were funny. Six months later I was meeting new people life was good. I never heard from him again.

OR DID I?

To be continued…

United States Of Whatever — Liam Lynch

Once upon a time I went to a party. A boy that I liked from acting class was going to be there. He kind of looked like Edward Scissorhands, which is one of my types. I didn’t know anyone else at the party except for the host, who kind of had a Russell Brand thing going on. Rarely do I attend parties alone but I put on my big girl heels and sped off in my mini cooper.

I got there and shamelessly hit on Edward Scissorhands guy. He was slightly receptive. We spoke of F. Scott Fitzgerald (love) and Nirvana (don’t). He was not pleased that I did not love NIrvana. I just don’t get them. I’m sorry readers. I hope this doesn’t make you hate me but if it does, whatever. I just don’t get their sound. And cheer up, Kurt. Lennon did moody so much better than you. And he was so awesome that someone other than himself wanted to kill him. (Oh shit, too soon? God, I’m sorry.)

We sat on the couch. I did most of the talking. “Now is the part where you’re supposed to ask me out,” I said during a silence. “Oh.” He offered to take me for a drink to The Other Room. By “offered” I mean, he mentioned that The Other Room existed. “I’m going to go over there,” he said, and got up. Well, that’s probably not what he actually said. He probably said something like, “I’m going to go smoke/get a drink/get some hummus/etc” but it was basically like that scene in The Simpsons (BUT WHAT ISN’T) when Bart’s crush says, “Um, I have to go…stand over there…now” and walks a few feet away just for the sake of avoiding him. I sat there on the couch.

Then I looked over. There was a boy sitting awkwardly on the arm of the couch. His hair was in his eyes. That’s also one of my types. I think I said hi. I’m pretty sure that he said hi. The next thing I knew, we were talking a lot and he was staring right at me. That’s when I noticed that he kind of looked like James Franco, before James Franco looked like a thrift store leather chair. One great thing was that no matter what I said, he wanted to hear more. That was quite a difference from Edward Scissorhands guy. “Would you like to go outside for a cigarette?” He asked. No. I don’t smoke. I think smoking is the best way to look ugly in ten years. “Yes,” I said.

We went outside. It was outside that he realized that he had no cigarettes. He looked sheepish. “I’ll find some,” he said. And I stood there awkwardly while he awkwardly asked for cigarettes. He found some. He smoked his, I pretended to smoke mine, and we smiled and stared at each other. I liked his smile a whole lot. He mentioned that he just broke up with his ex-girlfriend. “Well,” I said, “You can always kill yourself.” He laughed. “I could just jump now, over this ledge,” he said. We looked over the ledge. “Hey,” he said, pointing. “There’s someone watching TV in there, next door.”

After a lot more staring, jokes about jumping off of things, and nervous giggling, I wanted to head inside and get my purse. I was thinking I should leave while I was still ahead. He followed me. He helped me find my bag in the closet and he asked for my phone number. I wrote it down on a discarded side from acting class that I found in my purse while he took out his cell phone ready to put in my number. I felt dumb. I forget about technology sometimes. But I still insisted on writing down my number. “And here’s my name,” I added, “In case you want to add me on facebook. I don’t know what the kids are doing these days.” Then I thought he was going to kiss me and I got nervous so I said, “Hey, you wanna go over these scene with me from acting class?” And we read it out loud. Then we stared at each other. I got nervous again and said, “I’m going to go now.” “I’ll walk you out.”

We headed for the door and someone called his name. “I’ll be right back,” he said. I waited. I got impatient. I remembered what Brigitte Bardot said: “Don’t get left. You leave. You decide.” I decided to leave. I was slightly annoyed. I was also slightly annoyed that Edward Scissorhands guy left earlier in the evening and didn’t even tell me. I was slightly done. Everything was in slight. No full opinions had been weighed except for the one that I wanted to leave while I thought I was still desirable. So I left. I didn’t think I would hear from the cute guy with the hair in his face.

But the next day, I did.

To be continued…probably…

Lovefool — The Morning Benders