Just Breathe.

Sep
14
2009


I wasn’t kidding a few posts back when I said I don’t breathe correctly. I think you’re supposed to breathe through your nose and our your mouth but I inhale too deeply, via my mouth, clench my teeth, realize that I’m holding my breath, then let it out. Did you know that gulping too much air leads to bloating? This is why I don’t chew gum. Now I’m trying to monitor my breathing and it’s driving me crazy. You’ll probably hate me after reading this because now you’re going to focus on your breathing. YOU ARE NOW AWARE OF YOUR BREATHING.

Being tense is a specialty of mine. It’s weird because most of the time I’m pretty laid-back but when I would most like to be easygoing is when I’m at my most nervous. I want to believe in myself but I let life get in the way. I try to plan everything out. I try not to psych myself up. But I think it’s back firing. I just want to have unwavering belief in myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is? To block out all of the “logical” reasons why something won’t work out for you and to focus instead on how great you are and how everything is going to work out somehow? You know who’s really good at doing that? Kanye West.

God I love Kanye West.

Maybe we can help each other. If I weren’t me and I were reading this and I wanted to help myself, I would say, Maybe you should just say, fuck everything else, and only think about things you can control. And what can you control? You can control what you look like and how hard you work and nurturing your talent. That’s it. All you have to do is be you. You’re in the prime of your life. Enjoy it!

You know what? I think it’s Kanye time. This is for all of us:

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? U ARE THE BEST YUO U CAN BE!!! YOU ARE FUNNY AND YOUNG AND SMART AND ATTRACTIVE!! YOU ARE A HARD WORKER!! WHAT R U AFRAID OF????? THERE IS NTHING YOU CNA’T DO, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE GO TO THE MOON OR SOME SHIT, BUT YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THAT ANYWAY!! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WANT TO BE THE MOON SCIENTIST, YOU JUST WANT TO BE THE BEST YOU. PEOPLE LIKE YOU, YOU’RE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF. SOME DAY YOU’RE GOING TO BE OLD, OR ALMOST OLD, AND YOU’RE GOING TO THINK, WHY THE FCUK DID I COMPLAIN SO MUCH WHEN I WAS YOUNG??? AND THERE WON’T BE A MAGIC DELOREAN OR ANY OF THAT SHIT, THERE’S NO GOING BACK. THIS IS IT, THIS IS YOUR LIFE, AND THAT’S GREAT!! DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL. WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS YOU AND YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!!!! MOST PEOPLE WHO DO AMAZING THINGS NEVER THING ABOUT HOW EXACTLY THEY’RE GOING TO DO THEM, THEY JUST KNOW THEY’RE AMAZING AND THEY DO IT!!! IT’S CLICHED OK BUT IT’S TRUE YOU NEED TO JUST DO IT!!!! DON’T MAKE ME BREAK MY MACBOOK PRO OVER THIS SHIT!!!!!

Through The Wire — Belaire

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What You Need To Do: Part 2

Sep
11
2009

Welcome to a second edition of “What You Need To Do”, this time starring the cast of “The Edge of Love”, and by cast I am referring to Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley. Kiera? Hold on, let me google this shit. OK, it’s E-I. Good to know.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

You need to stop smoking because you could look like this. And by “this”, I mean a velociraptor. If someone snaps a photo at exactly the wrong time, and you’re a smoker, you have a 87% chance of looking like a velociraptor. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jurassic Park. I mean, I really, really love it. I don’t want to freak anybody out but Jurassic Park is almost 20 years old. Oh My God. My brother has a friend who likes to go to the galleria, get on the top floor, and shout, “WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK!” I think it’s nice to have hobbies.

You need to have a dark and twisty side to your personality. Every chick has a little bit of Marla Singer in them. Why am I referencing another film character when showing a still from an entirely different film? I don’t know, maybe I should read more books. I finished Norwegian Wood last night, by Murakami. Read that shit now, if not yesterday, ok? So here’s what you need to do: you need to have a dark side, just for kicks, just because it will help you be strong, and you need to read Norwegian Wood. It doesn’t have to be in that order.

You need to have a hobby and/or talent. It can be singing, like K-e-i-ra. But make it specific, i.e. maybe you only sing songs written during WWII. Or maybe you sing Bob Dylan songs but in German. Figure it out. You don’t have to sing. You could be a juggler. Or maybe you’re the chick who can drink anyone under the table. Or maybe you can make your eyeballs roll around crazy in your head, like that chick in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the one with Donald Sutherland. Anyone have any idea what I’m talking about? OK here’s what you need to do, you need to rent Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the one starring Donald Sutherland. Halloween will be here sooner than you think, so netflix it now. Then find a hobby. Everyone needs a hobby. Even if it’s going to a mall and shouting, “WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK!” Joan can play the accordion. Joan from Mad Men. I’m on close enough terms with the characters to refer to them like they’re my real friends. That’s not sad, right?

You need to wear red lipstick. I like Russian Red by MAC. Red lipstick is great for making you feel/look put together. Just put on some red lipstick, curl your lashes, apply mascara and you’re done. But if you have any blemishes/redness on your face, you need to cover that, or the red lipstick will only play it up. Also if your lips are flaky you should rub them with a damp washcloth because red lipstick really makes the flakes stand out. And try to avoid pairing red/pink blush with red lipstick, because it’s a little too intense. That aside, red lipstick is fantastic. It wakes you up. It says, “HEY WORLD I’M READY TO DO SHIT.” But it also says, “I’M KIND OF NOT READY TO KISS YOU OR EAT ANYTHING OR DRINK FROM A GLASS.” But if you want to kiss people or eat anything or drink from a glass then go to the drug store and get one of those long lasting lipsticks. Those are magic. I swear to God, you can apply it, then rub your face on a door, and your lipstick won’t smudge! I don’t know why you would rub your face against a door. That was a weird thing to say.

What you need to do is, you need to set aside one weekend where you and a friend decide that you’re going to behave like children. Run in the ocean with your clothes on. Have a food fight. Fingerpaint. Throw tantrums in grocery stores. I don’t know. Just go ape. Note: it helps if you have a beach house. I don’t know why, but it just does. I don’t think there’s ever been a situation in which having a beach house has been a downside. No one has ever said, “Man that guy Dave would be so cool if he didn’t have a beach house.” What was I saying? Oh yeah, eat candy and smear it on your face. And then laugh and then eat some more candy, and then take a nap.

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Who Is In Charge Here?

Sep
07
2009

William Shakespeare once said, “Thank you for inviting me but what the fuck is this shit.”

I love a good party and maybe even a bad party but an awkward party is something that I cannot handle. If you are going to invite people into your home and serve them food and alcohol then you had better be a capable host. Hint: do not sneak off into your bedroom to get high. It just doesn’t make for the best kind of host. Unless you’re one of those people who actually functions better when high — oh right, that’s an Urban School Myth or some folklore shit — no one functions better when high.

We are adults. Some of us own houses. Some of us have real jobs, like touring with U2. I don’t have that job and frankly I think U2 sucks that and that you can sing “Where The Streets Have No Name” to every song of theirs, but you know, whatever. Good for you. It must be nice to humor Bono and make him feel like he’s still musically relevant.

You need to make sure that there is enough food for enough people and if you’re cooking you need to let people know when the food is ready. What kind of operation are you running here? Do you want people to forage through your garbage can for food? Is this Annie? Where’s Sandy? Is the sun going to come out tomorrow or are you going to fuck that up, too?

I appreciate that you took the time to introduce your guests, but then I think it’s rude to take their camera, take a picture of me, give them their camera back, and say, “This is for you to masturbate to later.” Maybe I’m just old fashioned.

You need to be graceful. If a guest makes a faux paus you should not point at it and laugh, you should sweep it under the rug. You want your guests to be comfortable. And you don’t want your guests to throw things at each other. Who the fuck is in charge here?

When did we go from dinner jackets and Emily Post to logo tees and Jackass? OK maybe Jackass is a bad example; is that show still even on? A few nights ago I went out to dinner and I saw some guy who looked like Johnny Knoxville but way older. And then I realized, holy shit, that is Johnny Knoxville. He gets old just like everyone else. But you don’t see him running around with fireworks up his nose, do you? No, he probably is busy throwing classy parties with his Jackass money. That is how you do things. That is how you take charge.

Have some decorum.

Treat Me Like Your Mother — The Dead Weather
I’ve Underestimated My Charm (Again) — Black Kids
The Prince Of Parties — Flight of the Conchords
Mama Told Me (Not To Come) — Three Dog Night

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Indulge My Nostalgia.

Sep
06
2009
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Strut.

Sep
02
2009

I’m a girl who writes a blog so you knew it would come to this: the body post.

A few days ago I was taking inventory at work and my boss wanted to know more about me so I said, “Hm, I love to cook and eat” and she said, “How do you stay so thin?” and I thought, “Damn are you crazy? I’m not thin, I’m normal.” At best I can hope for skinny-fat. Look, I live in LA and I’m a struggling actress. I’ve seen thin. I’m not thin. I have friends who are models for Draper’s sake! Hells bells!

But I guess if I were in any other profession or lived in any another city (except for maybe New York. Or Paris. Or Milan. Or basically anywhere in Europe?) I would be happy with my figure and might even think of myself as thin. This doesn’t bum me out. I’m OK with it. I chose this. But what bums me out is seeing my friends who agonize over their bodies. Women can see a photo of a thin actress/model/or even one of their friends and actually let it depress them. Somehow just looking at someone else with an ideal figure makes them feel badly about their own figure. Even though a photo of someone else has no reflection on you or your body or who you are. But it can still make you feel badly. I’m not going to tell you to stop feeling badly because it’s not that easy.

But what I will tell you is that photos. lie. all. the. freaking. time. It’s all about angles and lighting. People are paid to make other people not look fat. Seriously.

The flip side to this though is that some actresses look super, super thin in person and look “normal” on the screen, because the camera adds ten pounds, or whatever. I saw Julianne Moore in person (that night that I ate something weird and then vomited all over a 7-11 parking lot, such good times) and she looked like a freaking child from behind!! Seriously she looked like a teenager and she’s a 40-something year old woman! That’s insane!!

Why is it so much easier to hate our bodies than to love them? Why is it so hard for us to accept compliments? Why do we always want to deflect them? (Yes I’m aware that I’m making generalizations and that not all women are like this, GWYNETH PALTROW). Why is it that I always hope that when I see my friends they’ll ask, “Did you lose weight?” And then why is it that when they actually do ask that I can’t even enjoy the compliment? Why is that even a compliment?

I don’t know. I don’t have any answers here or even anything earth shattering to add. Except that if you’re not being paid for it then why are you so worried about having a Kate Beckinsale waist? Or Kate Bosworth legs? Or Cate Blanchett cheekbones? Or a Kate Moss everything? (See what I’m doing here?) BTW did you hear that Cate Blanchett suffered a head injury while on stage doing A Streetcar Named Desire and for a while she kept going, trying to act through it? That is such a Kate Hepburn thing to do. I think Kate Winslet would also be impressed. Kate Capshaw was in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

There has to be something about your body that you love. Maybe you haven’t found it yet. Maybe you need to blast your favorite music and do a sexy photoshoot. Then you should delete those photos because you never know when they will come back to haunt you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud of them I’m just saying that you may need a job one day. Or not! Do whatever you want! It’s your body and you should love it because it’s the only one you’re going to have. You could get thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery and it’s STILL going to be the body you’re stuck with. And the ironic thing about plastic surgery is that it isn’t even permanent! Things sag, rupture, heal oddly, shift, etc. I’VE SEEN IT HAPPEN.

I can see both sides of why actresses need to look thin/toned/whatever. One the one hand they’re being paid millions of dollars to have a certain image. It’s the image that sells tickets. But on the other hand shouldn’t it be about the acting? The art? Should it matter that their thighs don’t touch?

One great thing about exercise is the endorphins; just the act of working out can make you feel better, even without seeing the results. So go for a walk! Maybe not, if you live in SoCal, not right now, the smoke/air is really bad for you. Maybe just stay inside. For a little bit.

I don’t know. I just want us to (insert Mean Girls quote here about sunshine and rainbows and being happy).

I Ran (So Far Away) — A Flock Of Seagulls

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I Guess It's Time To Say Goodbye.

Aug
31
2009

I guess it’s time to say goodbye to the summer. Except for not really, because when you live in Southern California, there is no summer, there is Sprummerfall. You can go to the beach any day of the year, especially in September, it gets hottest in September. It gets cold in January, but only at night. People forget that LA is a desert so it cools down drastically during the night.

Did you all reach your summer goals? When I was in junior year of high school my friend and I made summer goals. Mine was to make out with the chunky lead singer from Louis XIV. Hers was to eat an entire pizza. Neither of us completed our goals.

I stopped making summer goals after I graduated because when you leave school, summer means less and less. Now that I work weekends my schedule is completely fucked. Sunday nights feel like Friday nights to me. This Monday feels like a Saturday. Where am I? Who am I? What in the fresh hell is going on?


I remember one September, I guess it was senior year of high school, our head of administrations said to us something like, “I always think of the fall as a time to make resolutions, rather than New Years.” Then she made fart noises with her mouth and did the worm off stage. No, no she didn’t do any of that. But it wouldn’t be totally crazy. We once entered a contest to get Blink 182 to come sing at our prom and so our administration got on the roof of our school, in their suits, lyp-synching to Blink 182. What’s my age again, indeed.

So I will make goals. I will try to:

~~ Hate myself less.
~~ Try some new shampoos.
~~ High five more.
~~ Send real letters.
~~ Give the finger less when I’m driving.
~~ Have more sympathy for Joaquin Phoenix.

I will try not to:

~~ Go so many days without washing my hair, or at least invest in dry shampoo. Which really dovetails nicely with goal two above.
~~ Say “fuck” in public because I once heard a really pretty girl describe something as being “fucking” whatever and it immediately made her look 10x less attractive.
~~ Eat so much cheese.
~~ Be too soft.
~~ Worry about Paula Abdul. She’s in God’s hands now.

If you’re in socal is your throat also burning from the fires? Are you also coughing? If you’re close to them I hope that you’re okay. That is one of the dangers of summer here. Here’s looking to a much better Sprummerfall.

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LOL

Aug
27
2009

Mufasa’s death was a terrible tragedy; but to lose Simba, who had barely begun to live… For me it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era… in which lion and hyena come together, in a great and glorious future! — Scar, on schadenfreude, The Lion King

So we’re all familiar with schadenfreude right? Good. I think schadenfreude is the most comfortable human feeling. It’s right up there with biting into a hot pocket. How many of us hoped that our high school enemy would fall on the stage on the way to get her prom queen crown, or blackout and get stabbed by an angry biker gang, or something, I don’t know we didn’t have prom queens at my high school, I went to an all girls school so I don’t really know how normal high schools work. But that’s not important right now.

I know that at some point we have all wished our ex some kind of harm. Whether it was being insulted by Marshall McLuhan while in line at the movies or having a birdcage fall on their head, we wanted them to befall some sort of misfortune. And if you haven’t wanted that then maybe you should just get into your magical flying pirate ship and fly back to Happyface Island where monkeys are high fiving each other and barbershop quartets are singing on every corner. I don’t know.

We just want to laugh at their misfortune. My friend got the opportunity of a lifetime.

Her ex, a smarmy a-hole law school student, was bitchslapped by karma on national TV when he lost one million dollars on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?. I couldn’t watch the whole thing because I have this thing where I can’t watch “real people” get embarrassed. It makes me cringe. I can watch Curb Your Enthusiasm because that’s not “real” but hidden camera shit or something makes me turn away. But what I did see was glorious. He went from high fiving the audience like a tool to nearly bursting into tears when he lost everything. The best part is that REGIS PHILBIN told his girlfriend, sitting in the studio audience, to dump him.

I’m not going to go into the sordid details of their relationship so let’s just say that he wasn’t very kind to her. So there’s that. Also it would be cruel to laugh at this if he was a poor college student but this kid is 24 and makes six figures at his entertainment lawyer job and graduated from _______ Law so he’s set for life. He also went to college when he was 16 which is why he’s 24 and already practicing law. When asked what he was going to do with the money if he won it, he said he was going to go to Antarctica because it’s the only continent he’d never been to.

The first guy I was ever with broke my heart. He also came from a privileged background and I wanted nothing more than to see him crash and burn for running around on me with another girl. But guess what? After the dust had settled and we had both grown up a bit, he sent me an email in which he admitted that he treated me terribly and that he was sorry.

That’s all it takes. An apology, but a heartfelt one, in which you realized what an ass you were. Thats what makes the schadenfreude go away. And girls do this too. Girls are mean and break hearts and are assholes. It’s not just a guy thing. Being a dick has no gender. If you are one, you need to realize that at some point in your life you’re going to be humiliated on national television by Regis Philbin and that people are going to put that on youtube and laugh at you. Or something. But if you realize that you were a jerk and you feel badly about it then we’re going to be there for you with a kick to Regis’s crotch. Then we’ll watch the youtube video in which Bret Michaels gets hit in the head by the descending scenery at the Tony Awards, and that will never not be funny, and we will never need to apologize for it.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes — The Platters
Runaround Sue — Dion & The Belmonts
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do — Neil Sedaka
Pennies From Heaven — Regis Philbin

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