BB is horrified! Or she would be if she saw you ladies sashaying into Teddy’s in a goddamn pair of leggings. Look, leggings are fine if you’re working out or on your peroid, but if you’re going to have a night out, you better leave the leggings at home unless you are Karen O and you are performing. Night clubs in the 1950s and 60s used to be infused with glamour. I know this because I have a time machine, I built it out of empty fiber one boxes and starbucks cups, but that’s not important right now.

It’s the gentlemen who are really coming up short. Lads, cargo pants are great if you’re Indiana Jones. But since the chances of you being Indiana Jones are slim, I would opt for a pair of nice slacks.

Look at Serge Gainsbourg. HE’S LAUGHING AT YOU. HE’S LAUGHING THROUGH THE SMOKE. Gainsbourg is fuglier than those Muppet Old Guys, but he landed some of the most beautiful women ever made, and you know how he did that (aside from having insane talent and money)? He never dressed like a goddamn fish monger.

LOOK AT ANJELICA HOUSTON’S EYE MAKE-UP. FUCKING LOOK AT IT. That is extraordinary detail. Ladies don’t be afraid to falsify your lashood. It’s totally fine! The great thing about false eyelashes is that you don’t really need to wear any other makeup, if you want to be totally simple about it. Just fucking try it! You have nothing to lose! Your life could be completely different! Jumanji!

Faye Dunaway knows that the greater the lash, the greater the power. The power to stand completely still in a black turtleneck with your hands glued to your head.

Now what to wear?

The little black dress is always a classic because you can ever wear it on the beach!! There is nothing weird about this!! Scroll back up and look at BB’s LBD. They never fail. But listen, and please understand something:

THE AA DOUBLE NECK DRESS DOES NOT COUNT AS A LITTLE BLACK DRESS. NOT WHEN YOU’RE HAVING A GLAMOUROUS NIGHT OUT. And PS I spell “glamour” and “glamourous” with a u BECAUSE IT’S MORE GLAMOUROUS.

If you’re really going to put on the Ritz and valet park your car than you had better not be wearing that spandex dress UNLESS you have elevated it and taken it to a new level, one that only Molly Ringwald in that movie where she cuts up her dress, can take it. You better throw a fox stole and some diamonds on that shit and a bouffant had better be on your head. I’m sorry but that’s just the trade-off for wearing American Apparel on your big glamourous night out.

Don’t get me wrong, I think wearing jeans and AA is fantastic, but we’re talking about our big night here! We’re talking about Betty Draper and sidecars and Rockettes and Dean Martin and shit.

So now we’re ready to hit the town with a goddamn hockey stick! Some things:

Always talk to the hottest guy at the party/lounge/club. Don’t analyze the situation, just go for it. Remember, flat back, abs engaged. Walk right up to him, smile, and tell him your name. Tell him he looks familiar, but only if he maybe kind of sort of does, or he’ll call you on it. In which case you need a name ready. I found that the name “Tyler” works well; everybody seems to know a Tyler.

Decide what you want to drink before you hit the bar. The bartender does not want to play, “Ummm I think I want something, like, not too heavy, but like, fruity, or I don’t know, do you guys have any specials, or like, what beer do you have purple monkey dishwasher?” If you want the most bang for your buck (DON’T YOU JUST LOVE THAT 1950s AD SPEAK?) go with a martini. Most people think vodka martinis are sacrilege but I think that gin martinis taste like a doctor’s office so I stick with vodka. I also enjoy ordering a glass of champagne — it’s never good champagne, but you look amazing drinking it, and everybody wants one once they see you holding it.

And finally, just be amazing. Your parents will be so proud.

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