Firstly, Happy Jew Year! Even if you’re not Jewish use this as a chance to start anew. Lastly, can you guess which famous novel this title references? I know what you’re thinking: what happened to secondly, thirdly, et cetera? Answer: Life is too short, just cut to lastly. That’s really all you need. First and last.

When it comes to men I am unconventional. Were I given the opportunity to have one celebrity of my choosing I would pick Paul McCartney, pants down. None of these teenaged/20 aged vampires for me. I want a real legend. I want someone real someone so wonderful that you almost wonder if they actually ARE real. I mean has anyone actually met Paul McCartney? Maybe he’s just a computer. WHY DO YOU THINK THE BEATLES NAMED THEIR COMPANY APPLE? Pick up your mind, because I just blew it all over the place.

One man I’ve always harbored not-so-secret feelings for is Quentin Tarantino. Personally I think Pulp Fiction is his only great movie; the rest are lovely and mediocre. I haven’t seen Inglorious Basterds yet and I don’t plan to and here’s why and it’s probably silly of me but I’m uncomfortable seeing Jews act like Nazis. I get that the Jews are punishing Nazis and that theoretically that should be a great wonderful thing but the idea doesn’t sit well with me. I guess I’m just the biggest stick in the mud that there is.

But I love Quentin Tarantino’s bizarre face. His features are the complete opposite of perfection. His ego is a few notches below Kanye West’s (though to be fair I do love Kanye so maybe ego is an attractive thing to me in a man). He’s not an ideal heartthrob. But I love the way Tarantino talks and behaves. He’s like the Animal Muppet but with a vocabulary beyond “ANIMALLLLL!” Don’t get me wrong; were Tarantino still a video store clerk I would want nothing to do with him. I can admit that. But he’s not a video store clerk; he’s a director of some very cool, very famous, very big films. Pulp Fiction! Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta, walking around, talking about burgers all the time. That’s good stuff.

Recently I finished a casting workshop for the casting director of a new/old TV show. In this workshop, during the first week, we were assigned in pairs to do scenes. My partner was a really nice, really funny guy who nailed the scene. We nailed it together, Maxwell Hammer style, bang bang. As we were rehearsing I found myself becoming attracted to this guy, despite his lack of extreme thinness or other hipster quality. At the end of the night I realized why.

He kind of looked like Quentin Tarantino.

It’s not like you would ever mistake him for the fast talking large headed director but there was a shadow of a resemblance and that was enough for me. Did you ever meet someone who looked like a good friend of yours and you treated them as such? You felt like you had known them forever. But it’s based purely on physical or behavioral attributes. This is what happened to me.

In conclusion, guy I did this workshop with, find me and email me.

If you haven’t been completely insulted by this point. Because I think the whole Tarantino thing is a compliment. And you’re more attractive, I swear. Though I think T is hot to begin with.

I’ll just stop.