You know how people try to make you feel better about being single by telling you, “Hey he’s out there looking for you, he just hasn’t found you yet!”?

WELL HE SHOULD GET A FUCKING GPS BECAUSE THIS IS BULLSHIT.

I have been waiting and I keep thinking that I’ve met him and instead I meet men who pee in front of me on the first date or act lovely towards me and the disappear from the face of the planet.

WHERE ARE YOU, PERFECT GUY FOR ME? Are you famous? Is that why your schedule is so busy? Oh crap, are you John Mayer? Please don’t be John Mayer. Are you Chris Pine? I don’t really care if you are, your name just kind of popped into my head. Hey Chris Pine, you were adorable in “Just My Luck” and pretty good in Star Trek, I guess, but to be honest I was a little distracted by your massive package. Sweet sassy molassy. I’m talking about the scene where he’s going to do that green woman. That’s like, an entire Death Star in those briefs. OK I know Death Star is a Star Wars reference and not a Star Trek one, but I think effort counts for a lot.

My friend says that I haven’t met him yet (my perfect guy, not Chris Pine) because she needs to meet him first so she can make sure he’s not a rapist and introduce me. How thoughtful. She says he will be funny and thin and creative. He will have dark hair and an odd sense of humor. And etc, I tuned out at some point. He needs to be amazing. He needs to have a goddamn job. And it should be awesome. He should be so attractive that I ovulate every time I see him.

Oh I know what you’re thinking: “your standards are too high”.

WELL DUH MY STANDARDS ARE HIGH. STANDARDS ARE WHAT SEPARATES US FROM ANIMALS. You don’t see a dog freaking out over which dog’s ass to sniff, a dog just finds an ass and sniffs it. That’s the thing about dogs, they don’t care.

If none of us had standards we would all be married by now.

What! I’m just saying! We would all be married by age 12 so we could immediately spend the rest of our lives with another person, popping out kids, like a farm animal.

But we don’t do that because of standards. Standards are great. Standards make us feel like we have some control over my lives. Like, “Oh I haven’t gone on a second date with Derek because I don’t think he’s liberal enough.” No, it has nothing to do with the fact that Derek ignores your texts; now it’s about YOU. You are the one in control, you are the one in charge of your destiny…and…emotions…and Spock…and I’m really trying to work in more Star Trek references but I’m having a hard time here. Help me, Obi-Wan Kanobi. DAMNIT, WRONG FRANCHISE AGAIN. Uh…I’m a doctor, not a…mechanic.

BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

So look, guy, you better find me. I will be looking but I’m sick of doing all the work. I like to go out, to classy bars and such, so when you see me, just say “Hi”. That’s it. “Hi”. As long as you do that and aren’t ugly and don’t pee on yourself, I’ll know you’re the one.

OK everyone by now you know that I feel that no one really dates anymore so perhaps your question for me is, 1.) “So Almie, what sort of date WOULD you like to go on?” Or maybe your question is, 2.) “Why are you such a bitch?” I’m going to answer the first question because the second question is impossible to answer. That’s like asking why an apple is edible. Or why the moon is so big. Or why Jon Hamm is so perfectly engineered. And et cetera.

A few days ago a lovely fellow invited me to go for a hike. Because of point 2.) I said no. I don’t hike. What am I, Yogi Bear? But the point is that is a great idea for a date! It’s going outside of the box. It’s saying to the box, “Hey fucker, I’m going to step right outside of you and I’m not even going to look back, you fucking wanker.”

When it comes to dates, I like to go real old school. I like a guy to take me to a great restaurant. It doesn’t have to be expensive or trendy (and I would prefer if it wasn’t trendy; I want to be able to stuff my face without having to look at Ashley Tisdale or some shit, ugh) it just has to be a place that is great! Personally I haven’t found my favorite restaurant yet but if some dude saddled up and said, “Hey I know a great place” and then took me to the Pirates restaurant in Disneyland that would pretty much melt my heart. AWWW YOU GUYS.

But you don’t have to do dinner. Some other cool things to do include museums. Remember those? They’re like the internet but instead of hilarious Twilight GIFs they’re real, physical works that you can look at, but not touch, NEVER TOUCH. The great thing about going to museums is that you can both feel like you’re really accomplishing something and it’s great to drop at a party. “Oh I just got back from the new _____ show” and people want to sound equally cultured so they’ll say, “Wow, how was it?” and then you can say, “It was resplendant/dull/fascinating/preterable.” BTW that last word was made up DID YOU NOTICE? You better keep your fucking looking balls locked on what I write because you never know when I’m going to throw you a fucking curveball. I’m like Brandon Walsh: always trying to educate.

Now I know in this economy it’s hard to afford a decent date to which I say, TOO FUCKING BAD, MONEY UP! No No that’s harsh. Really, there are inexpensive things you can do. Like hike. Or barbeque. Or look at bugs or some shit. I am not being condescending! These are fine things to do! Or you could go to the Santa Monica Pier and for 2-4 bucks get real non-Mac photobooth photos and walk along the beach. Or if you were on the date that I was on, you have that beach stroll interrupted by a phone call from your date’s strung-out friend who is confused and is stranded at the top of Mulholland Drive without a ride or shoes. But whatever!

I hope this has given you something to think about and if it hasn’t then it’s your own fucking fault for not keeping your mind open and your looking balls locked.