Category Archives: dating

Cute Boys

Dec

2009

Sometimes really cute boys come into work. No, like, really cute. Like after he leaves, “Oh My God did you guys see that guy who was just in here?” cute.

Our policy is to ask for ID with every credit card purchase so sometimes I can get the guy’s name and then google them. WHAT? THAT’S TOTALLY NORMAL. I mean because every single time the guy has been cute it’s because he’s also an actor. Someone I already vaguely recognize. So one check on the internet brings up his imdb profile and sometimes who he’s dating. Thank you, internet!

I would never, ever contact them though. Not even through missed connections on craigslist. That’s not my scene. Once I got really drunk and wrote one for some guy who worked in a yogurt shop. Then the next day I freaked out and deleted it. Because, well, yikes.

Some of the cute boys who come in are just classic cute. Actor cute. And not quirky actor cute like this Michael Cera shit but legit Zac Efron cute (You know what I mean. Zac Efron is cute. Let’s not kid ourselves. He has a pleasant face.) Others are artsy cute. There’s usually facial hair involved. And sometimes suspenders. And they’re always really thin and look vaguely haunted.

It’s a bummer. You have this moment of contact, smiling, flirting, etc and then they’re gone forever. I watch too many movies. Because if it were a movie they would have left their scarf behind. And I would run after them but it would be too late. So I would sketch them in their scarf and make fliers and post them up and that would lead to a website and that would lead to a spot on the Today Show and it would be all about the charming girl played by Mila Kunis who is looking for the boy in the red scarf and he wouldn’t find her/me until the end of the film because he was traveling with his mean bitchy girlfriend who was purposefully trying to keep us apart who he finally decides to dump after seeing me on television wishing I could meet him. Fergie sings over the credits.

But the people who want to know you are the people you never want to know. In real life, the boy in the red scarf has a girlfriend. I mean sometimes people try to be nice and say, “Oh he was probably just referring to his sister when he said, ‘Hi sweetie’ on the phone” and it’s like, when does the hot guy ever have a sister? When is it actually a hilarious sitcom misunderstanding like that?

Or the guy who wants you is weird and creepy and won’t leave you alone or he’s simply not attractive to you or you have no common interests or all of those things combined. The people who I want are never the people who want me and the people who want me are never the people I want. I guess that’s just how life is.

Boners.

Leggy Blonde — Flight Of The Conchords

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What I’ve Learned.

Dec

2009

My friend Laura really knows how to pose in photos. She’s incredible.
The only person you can really ever depend on is yourself, so don’t let yourself down!
You can exercise every day but if you eat crap it’s not going to make a damn difference.
Opportunities are there for you to take advantage of. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself!
There is always someone out there stupider than you are.
Rihanna is hard. So hard.
It’s ok for me to say no.
If you’re not being true to yourself and who you are, then there’s no point in even being there. So if you feel you need to paint a lighting bolt on your face to go to a party, then you better fucking do it. Be you!
People are not going to go out of their way to help you.
Image is reality. You can look like who you want to be, even if you’re not. The rest will follow.
Don’t make it easy for people to flake out on you.
This industry scares me.
To be perfectly honest I’m pretty lazy.
I’m so afraid of people saying no that I don’t give them the chance to say yes.
Cooking something is the quickest and easiest way to feeling accomplished.
Marcia Cross is crazy nice.
No one has a definitive answer. One person might hate something that another person loves. All you can do is your best. All you can do is try.
If you don’t try then you can’t complain.
Everyone loves capes. It makes you feel like a kid again.
Dating an actor is a terrible, terrible idea.
Dating a musician isn’t really worth it either.
No one our age knows what they’re doing.
We have no idea how much we should be enjoying our youth.
I would date Kanye West in a heartbeat.
Everyone has to start somewhere. No, really. It’s OK if you’re just starting out. Just own up to your inexperience. Then gain experience.
Only you can make your dreams come true! It sounds corny and it is until it happens. Then it’s fucking rad!! So make it happen!
Whenever it looks hopeless just look at Mickey Rourke. If he can make a comeback, so can you.

Effect & Cause — The White Stripes

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This Is It.

Nov

2009

Sweet fancy fuck.

Yesterday I went to a fashion show where I met three foreign boys who were cute but were also dumber than a box of cats. (“Do you know where there is a taco truck around here?” “No?” “Oh so you are not local?” “I am, but I don’t know where there is a taco truck.” “So you’re not local?”) This is when I realized that sadly being foreign no longer automatically = hot and desirable.

So foreign boys, here’s my new criteria. If you don’t get it then don’t worry, I’m not the girl for you, and you’re not the guy for me.

1.) Be smart. I don’t just mean book smart, you need to be culturally aware.

2.) You need to have a knowledge of film. You can’t count on me to explain to you who that guy is, or what stuff that other guy has directed, or why that film is exciting to me.

3.) I find arguing really sexy. I like to argue.

4.) You need to have a good sense of style. Sorry but baggy jeans and wearing your button-up as a scarf is not going to do it for anyone. Get thee to an H&M or even a thrift store. I once went thrift store shopping with a boy — let’s call him Bob Dylan, who was a friend and then had a crush on me and then I had a crush on him but then he got aloof and turned into a bisexual drug addict, oh college — who bought a Gap shirt despite there being a Gap across the street. “Ew,” said I, “Please don’t buy an old Gap shirt. Please. I will buy a new one for you right now.” I begged him but he really liked the style of the used Gap shirt and it looked good on him. That kid had great style. I wonder where he is now. I hope he’s not dead.

5.) Don’t be a date rapist. Really, you think this would go without saying. I don’t know if you assholes are getting the wrong idea from all those vampire movies out there or what but don’t be fucking creepy.

6.) The Who. I don’t know how to elaborate on this one, something about The Who. Just fill in whatever you want to.

7.) Don’t make me do all the work. Get off your fucking Blackberry and approach me.

8.) Don’t be Jude Law.

There’s my new criteria. Not that it matters anyway. I am currently not accepting any new applicants. Unless you meet every point on this list. In that case though I’d still be wary. “I wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member,” said Groucho Marx. It’s that old thing, you know?

I mean, this is pretty much it because as far as dating goes, I’m fucking spent. I really am. I have to focus on my anemic career. I’m a young smart woman and I’m sick of constantly thinking about and/or looking for men. I am not Carrie Fucking Bradshaw. Carrie was fun in the first two seasons, maybe three, but then she got annoying and clingy and sad. And I don’t know what the hell she was complaining about because she always had sexy successful men who were always after her anyway. She just could never pick one. It’s like models who complain how hard their careers are. You’re essentially being paid to walk. Fuck all of you. Shut up, pick one, and sit down. Then find something new to do with your life.

Girl U Want — Devo

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The Great Paradox.

Oct

2009

This beautiful card was sent to me by one of my beautiful internet friends. Thank you BB.

Now let’s get to the part of the post where I complain about men, totally ignoring the beautiful sentiment of the beautiful card.

Here is something that I don’t understand. You 20-something men don’t want to be in relationships.

SO WHY IS IT THAT EVERY 20-SOMETHING MAN I MEET IS ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP??

Case in point: I just got back from a certain singer’s party, in which Lance Bass was a guest. Oh yeah, I can name drop some serious shit. Anyway. “What does it feel like to be one of the most attractive guys here?” I asked one of the most attractive guys there. Apparently, it felt good. And drunk. “I have a girlfriend,” he finally admitted. “She’s in Mississippi.”

What? WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? Why is your girlfriend in Mississippi? What the hell kind of good is that going to do anybody? He then informed me that he is flying her out. GREAT. I HOPE THE TWO OF YOU GET MARRIED ON A GODDAMN STEAMBOAT.

And when the hell did every 20-something guy stop falling in love with me? Guys used to fall in love with me all of the time. I used to be the greatest. I won’t sugarcoat it. But now they instead look right over my head. I know I’m short, but I’m still pretty. What happened? Maybe it’s because my personality kind of sucks. I mean honestly I am a huge egomaniac. And I’m kind of an asshole. But hot guys pull this shit off all the time! Why can’t I?

Excuse me, my decaf green tea is ready.

Anyway back to what I was saying: If no 20-something guy wants to be in a relationship then why is every 20-something guy I know in a relationship?

What fresh hell is this?

OK, now that that is out of my system, I will drink my tea and get back to being like Audrey Hepburn. Maybe men aren’t flocking to me anymore because they sense that talking to me is like playing Russian Roulette. (Let’s me honest, that’s one of those similes that sounds really good but on a second read it doesn’t quite make sense. I tried.) I should really though focus on more important things anyway: my career.

…Ugh.

The Greatest — Cat Power

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Stood Up? Stare Down.

Oct

2009

“The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe you’re either (a) not at home, (b) home but don’t want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy.” — When Harry Met Sally

Last night I got stood up. To quote the Clash song that I’ve posted on this blog at least twice:

I’ve been beat up. I’ve been thrown out.
But I’m not down. I’m not down.

OK Honestly, I’m a little down. But what does one do when one is stood up? One finds other plans, has fun, and then gets Taco Bell at 2 AM. This is the sacred ritual of the single. This is what I did. I sent out a mass text to all of my friends and “etcs” letting them know of my sad fate in hopes that someone would rescue me. A few people did. I chose a guy. I got very drunk. I went to a gay bar. I told pretty much everyone within my general vicinity that I was stood up. And yes, I ate the Taco Bell at the end of the night. I ordered a #5 because 5 is my favorite number. I didn’t even look at what it was.

Turns out #5 is nachos and a taco.

See how much we’re learning?

I’m sure the gentleman had very good reason for standing me up. Perhaps he was eaten by sharks. I find it entirely plausible that in Los Angeles at around 8 at night someone decided to go swimming in the ocean and was eaten by sharks. That happens everyday. It’s just not widely reported.

The thing is, I don’t think this [by which I mean getting stood up] happens to anyone but me. Just because that’s just my life. My life is one long series of unfortunate events but without the clever orphans. However, if you find yourself stood up, here are my suggestions:

— Call and/or text your girlfriends. They will suggest something like, “Let’s go to Pinkberry” or at least offer their condolences.

— Get out of the house. It doesn’t matter if all you do is go to Starbucks and get an iced tall skinny vanilla latte; just get out.

— Eat and/or drink something delicious. Just because.

— Find another boy (or girl) to get with. But don’t do this if it’s going to lower your self-worth. Do it because you want to have fun. If the guy is notoriously afraid of commitment and you’re hoping to be the Rory Gilmore to whoever it is that bitch wound up with in the final season, then STEER CLEAR GURL.

— Email me! Really! I’m addicted to my iphone! I always check my email! Even when people beg me not to! ESPECIALLY when people beg me not to!

— And finally, listen to these songs:

Gaston — Beauty and the Beast film cast
Stop Your Sobbing — Pretenders
Womanizer — Britney
Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) — Beyonce
Get Over It — OK Go
Tears Dry On Their Own — Amy Winehouse
Hot N Cold — Katy Perry
Girl Don’t Come — Sandie Shaw

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If I Had the Chance

Sep

2009

Hey you. Thanks for meeting me here. Have a seat. No, not that seat. Don’t sit there. I swear to God if you sit there I will stab you in the throat. Oh, that seat? Yeah, that’s fine, you can sit there. I was kidding anyway.

I was thrilled to get your invitation. I can only assume that you’re bringing me here to tell me that those photos of you with that girl on facebook mean nothing. Yeah, I saw the ones of you in that canal in Venice. I guess it was very romantic but I’ve been in those canals and they smell like a house full of dumptrucks. Ok, fine, they don’t. I was just saying that because I felt like hurting you. Oh, that didn’t hurt you? Well yeah, I guess it wouldn’t. It’s not like you invented those canals. That was DaVinci. What? You’re pretty sure it’s not? Huh, that’s funny, which one of us went to college? Me.

I’m sorry. That was really, really mean.

Anyway you look well. I mean look at you, you’re fucking beautiful. You know it, I know it, that goddamn chair knows it. Look, I have no problem with the chair. It was a joke. This is great wine.

I just wanted to say that if you had a girlfriend you could have just told me. I wouldn’t have been hurt. It’s only now, after all this time of feeling like I’m in a cave with a single lit match, that I’m hurt. Oh, what I meant about the cave thing was that you left me in the dark. Yeah, that’s all I meant. No, I wasn’t implying that the match was burning my fingers. That’s dumb. That doesn’t make any sense. You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, that was mean.

I’m just getting sick of this. All of this, stuff that you can’t even be held accountable for. I’m just getting sick of never being the girlfriend. I am always the girl on the way to the girlfriend. I’m Goodluck Chuck.

I am never the girl in photos.

What do I mean by that? Well, after a guy disappears from my life, lo and behold I see him on facebook with a new girl. They may not have even declared their relationship but it’s obvious. I always wonder, why isn’t that girl me? And usually I’m much more photogenic than these girls. I’m sorry if that shocks or upsets you but it’s true. But no guy ever wants to take photos of me and put them on facebook. No guy wants to have a photo tagged of us, of his arm slung around me, smiling at me with pure adoration. They save that for the girl after me. I am the girl the guy doesn’t show off.

This is what I mean when I say, I am never the girl in photos.

It’s OK, I’m fine now, I have Sven. Oh? Sven is my boyfriend. He looks like the guy in a 1960s ad for cigarettes. Sometimes. Other days he looks like a British guitar player. Sven isn’t exactly what you would call…real. Yeah, he’s my imaginary boyfriend. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Stop giving me a weird pity look. It’s fine. Really! Look, pretend I didn’t say anything. I was kidding. I was 80% kidding. Don’t worry about the 20%.

Never worry about the 20%.

Half of me wants to throw this drink in your face and the other half wants to kiss you. So what the hell am I supposed to do now? This is good wine, I don’t know if I should waste it on your face. Your beautiful, beautiful face.

I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna buck up. I’m going to stop looking at your facebook photos. I’m going to have to leave my iphone at home. I’m going to be the strong person that is hidden somewhere inside me, like a grape in a goat. Shh, I’m not done. I’m going to admit that I am the cliche who doesn’t feel validated unless it’s from a guy. But I’m going to be fine. I’m going to make videos and put them on this blog (really, I will). I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to get cast as a co-star in something.

I will realize that you are not everything I think you are.

And I’ll even pick up the check for this.

I’m just going to go to the bathroom first. I am definitely not going to slip out the back. Really. I’m not going to leave my credit card here at the table though because I…need it…in the bathroom. Yeah. I’m just going to be right back. I’m not not leaving forever.

Sike.

She’s Not Me — Madonna
Hello Stranger — Barbara Lewis
How To Quit — Sam Phillips
I’m Not Down — The Clash
Bloody Motherfuckin Asshole — Martha Wainwright
Ring Of Fire — Amanda Jo Williams
Brown Eyes — Lady GaGa
If You Close The Door — The Velvet Underground

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To The Gentlemen.

Sep

2009

Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.
— Dr. Emmett Brown

People often ask me, “What’s your blog about?” I usually say something like, “Oh it’s about being a girl in Los Angeles.”

I don’t know what this blog is about. But I do know that people read it. So on the off chance that one of the four people who read this is male, this is for you, buddy:

1. Zachary Braff, stop following me. This is the 2nd time in 6 days that you and I have been in the same place. Oh I know: you didn’t mean it, it’s an accident, you don’t know who I am, blah blah blah.

2. This one is important. Gentlemen:

If you are on facebook and you are in a relationship you need to put that shit on your profile.

If you have a girlfriend you need to click the little button that says “In a relationship.”

It takes two seconds and saves heartache.

I am talking to you, guy I vaguely alluded to in a post a month or two ago/guy who broke my heart about six months ago. Guy who I’ve kind of missed.

You don’t even need to put the name of the person you are in a relationship with. But you need to declare it. To not declare it is tacky. And weird. I’ve had guy friends who counter that with, “I don’t want people to know about my personal life on facebook.” Are you serious? Really? Really Charlie? Then don’t get on facebook. Get on linked-in or get your own website where you can put whatever the fuck you want.

3. If you have my number and are texting/calling me for the first time to see me, please suggest dinner. I am worthy of dinner. Drinks = please take off my skinny pants and do things to my genitals on my couch while “Who’s The Boss?” plays in the background. I don’t want to speak for all women, I really don’t, but I know that most of us appreciate being asked on a real date. And look, there are times when all I really want to do is get into your skinny pants with the TV on for background noise. But if you don’t invite me out to dinner then you will never find out. Now if you’re taking me out for drinks at a jazz club or something, that’s different. But if you ask me to meet you at the bar where they serve free hot dogs, then have fun with yourself and Tony Danza.

Even Patrick Bateman took his women on dates.

4. I always say that with a great number comes great responsibility. I’m not joking. I mean, I am kind of joking when I say it because to say that with a serious tone of voice would make me sound like a tool, but the sentiment behind it is real.

5. Be a gentleman.

I’m going to stop here because if I go any further then my head may explode. This is why my relationship with Sven is so good. Imaginary boyfriends are the best kind of boyfriend.

**Note: guys who have been gentlemen to me and are awesome, thank you. This is not directed towards you. Pizza party!**

To elaborate on #3, here’s the post that started it all: Does Anybody Date Anymore?

Let’s Talk About It — White Denim